Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

Nope, I had no idea.

My ex and I were together 25 years, we split and co parent amicably.

Met my now DP after 2 years of being single. His ex (10 years split when we met) is one of the nastiest human beings I have ever met. Screeching, screaming, abusive texts, temper tantrums. I don’t know a single adult who behaves like her and I had no clue what impact it would have on my life to have someone like her hovering in the background. Fortunately DP’s youngest is 18 so not for much longer.

But if I’d truly understood what it meant when your new partner has a nasty piece of work as an ex, I would have ended our relationship before it started.

We're conditioned to presume that it's entirely normal for step mums to be disliked, and that it must be because they're doing something wrong like treading on the mum's toes or hogging the DC's dad or being resentful of the ExW etc etc.

However being the nice normal adults that we are (and often good with kids to boot!), we expect that most obstacles one encounters when dating a parent will be logistical ones such as less couple time or accepting the Ex is still around, with maybe the occasional "you're not my mum!" from the DC thrown in. However being a well liked person in all other aspects of life, we presume that the ups and downs we'll encounter dating a man with DC won't be so very different to any other type of relationship as long as we are kind to our partner's DCs and doing our best.

Did I know what I was getting into? I thought I did. However the reality is that all the usual "rules" of relationships and parenting get thrown out and you end up as a big simmering ball of resentment wondering why the fuck you didn't run for the hills the second you clapped eyes on your DP/DH.

It's such a standard response to any step mother struggling with anything whatsoever to do with step parenting. I've heard it so many times from DH's ex. I just ignore it, she'd be a terrible step mother, she's not a great mother!

Yes, and No. I was really into being a SM, had a lot to give as it were! Me and my DS are sociable. H thought it was great.

Turned out kids were antisocial, mean, excluding. Turned out ex wife wanted me to being up her kids even on her own time. Turned out DP was weak and undisciplined with hIs DDs who were treated like princesses and me and DS were made to feel like lodgers in our own home.

Never again! I’d never do it. I’m sure there are nice families out there. But me and my son are done...