Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

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I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

@palebluefringe post divorce I dated a man with a demanding teen dd - I walked away. I had a relationship with a man with a toddler aged dd but I walked away before introductions as I didn't like how he treated this child like a princess in comparison to his older kids with his exw (youngest dd's mum was his ex partner) - basically I thought his parenting was skewed by what he wanted as opposed to fair treatment of all his children.
Sooooo - I'm a far sighted woman & you'd think I'd have know what I was getting into with my exdp.
Well no - like sassbot all was fine to start. Dp never dissed his exw, he had a great relationship with his kids, minimal conflict with ex & kids seemed reserved but polite & fine when I eventually met them. All was apparently fine & I continued with my relationship. About 18 months in, when exw & his kids realised I wasn't merely a gf but a partner & that I was going nowhere the shit hit the fan. In small ways first & then it just escalated and escalated. I stuck it out for 4 more years because before the shit hit the fan I had fallen in love & really wanted a future with this man. Again, like sassbot I couldn't comprehend how a mother would behave like this; use her kids as pawns & spread lies about the father of said kids. I also couldn't comprehend how teen to young adult kids could treat their father like a cash machine & never care about his happiness - I kept hoping they were all just adjusting & would see the light so to speak. My divorce was civil & my kids very accepting of their sm & of dp.
I was honestly blindsided by dp's situation - basically his ex didn't want him & was content enough so long as nobody else wanted him thereby threatening (in her warped head) what she perceived to be HER money, HER handyman & HER babysitter!
I know I'm repeating some of what I said upthread but I've elaborated to point out that I made great calls in two previous relationships & so trusted my judgement on this one. However, no matter how smart or insightful I thought I was NOTHING could have prepared me for the total 180 flip in dp's situation.

Sure some people go into a relationship in the middle of a shitstorm & yeah, that might not be great judgment - but more of us go into a relationship based on what we we believe to be a certain set of circumstances or dynamic that often just get totally upended through NO fault or lack of insight of our own & we struggle to comprehend how the lovely, stable relationship we had has slowly turned into an endurance test set by people who don't like or respect us even though they don't properly know us!

That sounds horrendous @Magda72

But I think my overarching point is, after 2 unsuccessful relationships were the common denominator was existing children, I wouldn't have gone for a 3rd. That might be limiting the relationship pool but rather that than be in the dreadful scenarios described and that I've witnessed with my friend.

@palebluefringe over a certain age “limiting the pool” is putting in lightly.

In your 20s - easy to find a partner without children

In your early 30s - still doable although it becomes much harder if you have had DC yourself

In your late 30s and beyond - virtually impossible and barring infertility as a reason to not have had DC then it would ring alarm bells that a man in his late 30s / early 40s had not had a relationship committed enough to want to have children.
If they don’t want children at all then that rules out the opportunity to date them also if you already have DC yourself.

Also if everyone took the stance that they would not date someone with children then myself and many many other unfortunate people who’s first marriages broke down would end up forever alone.

Thank goodness that isn’t the case.

That's all very valid @SpongebobNoPants but not relevant to the theme of this discussion which is "you knew what you were getting into". My choice was not to chance it (though I took other risks as described). I met a chap with no kids but 2 long term relationships behind him. He'd started adult life with the vague idea he wanted kids but he and his partners travelled a lot and it never happened. His sister also has never had kids so my son is seen as a cherished grandson to his parents.

I've sleep walked through some areas of my life to my slight regret, so I wasn't letting that happen when it came to choosing a second time around partner. Head over heart now

I agree with many posters on here, you could absolutely expect for the children's needs to come above and beyond your own needs on many occasions.

You could not preempt an ex wife who puts her own needs above the children, is self serving and manipulative of the children in every possible scenario, and uses every situation where a teen needs parenting to point score and win popularity against your husband and household.

You definitely could not preempt an ex wife who takes a hardcore risqué photo of your stepdaughter in lockdown, allows her to upload it on a public social media profile and subsequently the stepchild falls out with your entire family and blocks all contact when we try to advise her that this is not ok.

You also wouldn't anticipate the ex wife accusing you of bullying the girl when you try to persuade her to remove the image.

@palebluefringe that leaves no room for treating partners as individuals! I tried when dating to see people & not just assume all guys had bad divorces. Naive maybe but also open minded. My point is that initially there was NO indication that exdp's divorce and situation were much different from my own (which was not a contentious situation) - unlike those other two previous relationships. I made a judgement call on the facts I had to hand & all those facts pointed towards a stable ex & kids with normal teenage issues but nothing more. My exdp was & is a lovely man & again I saw NOTHING that indicated he couldn't manage the dynamic he had with his exw & kids because there was nothing to see! In retrospect I can now see that his ex was ok to divorce & not have to deal with dp on a day to day basis but she still wanted a 'husband' to provide for her & pander to her whims. When she saw this slipping away she threw her toys out of the pram big time.
Blame is the wrong word to use here but I can't think of any other word - I 'blame' exdp for our relationship ending (even though I ended it) because he couldn't manage his emotions around his kids. He's a very dynamic man who runs a business & manages lots of people but his ex & kids undid him & while he made great efforts - went to therapy etc. - he could not shake the unhealthy dynamic that had obviously been dormant (divorce had brought a certain amount of relief & calm for all involved) but reared itself again once my kids & I came on the scene.
In all of this I do not in any way blame myself because I did not make a bad judgement call - things were fine until well into the relationship. If I had stayed with either of the previous two men (where the issues were evident from the get go) then yeah, any ensuing stress would have been on me, but not in this case.
I'm now in my late 40's and while I would probably date a man with kids again I would NEVER contemplate moving in with him/marrying him/emotionally investing in his kids etc. until they were all adults (& I mean well into their 20's lol) because at this stage, while I still trust my own judgement I do not trust third parties to behave as I would & I think a lot of nrp dads while succeeding in many other parts of their lives are so brow beaten by the mothers of their kids that's it's often the one area of their lives where they cannot see the wood for the trees.
Long post - I'm sorry - but in short - women should not be blamed for getting into relationships in good faith & they should not be shamed when that relationship is upended by third parties & by their own partners who turn into different people when exes & kids kick off.

@palebluefringe but many people don’t know what they’re getting into, they think they do but the reality is so very very different.

As I and PP have pointed out, until you’ve experienced being a SP you really don’t have a clue what it is like.
I’m a mother. I have a great relationship with my ex and co-parent happily. My DP has never said anything negative about his ex because he’s respectful, so I thought I was entering a relationship with my eyes wide open to the challenges of parenting with other people.

I had no one if my family who had divorced or who had blended immediate family. I had no friends who had partners with children. I had no experience or anyone I could ask advice from who had been in that position.

Therefore you go off your own precious experiences with children and parenting to base your capability in the situation. Mine had all been positive.

I had no idea things would turn sour 2 years down the line after relative ease in the beginning.
No one can predict that when previously things had been fine. You just have to either deal with it in the moment or decide to walk away.

Until you’ve experienced something you really don’t have any idea how you will react or cope.

I knew about childbirth for example. I trawled the internet for information so I could make informed choices regarding my birth plan etc. In the end the situation changed dramatically and it all went out if the window.
Of course I knew birth wasn’t easy, of course I spoke to people about it before, of course I had an idea of what it would be like but nothing prepared me for the reality and until I’d experienced it I had no idea it was going to go the way it did.

I feel the same way about step-parenting. All the research in the world doesn’t prepare you for the potential challenges.

I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into when I began dating my DP.

Well yes @palebluefringe if me and dp ever split I wouldn't date someone who had children (perhaps adult children but not dependant ones) because now I really have seen the worst case scenario

But when I got into this situation I hadn't. I thought it would be hard but I could never have imagined what would actually happen and the struggles we would still have nearly 8 years in!

I expected the children to be difficult and us to clash over parenting. I did not expect the level of cruel harassment I've had from one of their mothers and the level of entitlement and downright arrogance I got from the other mother. Both of them know where they stand now but it's taken some time

You had no idea that a blended family situation had the risk to turn sour? One of the most fraught relationships there is? A search of the internet would have demonstrated that to you. I'm not suggesting anyone can know how to deal with it once it happens, what I'm saying is you absolutely can know at the outset it has the potential to be fraught, and take your chances or not. That's my stance on "you knew what you were getting into". Not the specifics of how your situation would unfold but that it would by its nature have the potential to be a nightmare.

I chose not to take any potential partner who was a father on his own merits - I had a blanket approach of not getting involved because I didn't want to run the risk of being involved in the ordeals people are describing. And quite clearly from what people describe about great relationships ending up in a world of pain, it's a very real risk.

@palebluefringe you’re being ridiculous and a tad goady now.
Of course there is the risk of it turning sour, but nothing indicated that it would for a very very long time.
A lot of marriages end in divorce, you wouldn’t say to a friend going through one “well you knew it was a possibility that this would happen”.

Within any relationship there is a risk of it not working, but things can change further down the line in ways you wouldn’t have predicted based on how well things had gone until that point.

And that is what I mean when I say I had no idea what I was getting into.

God that term ‘you knew what you were getting into’ annoys me.

How can anyone know what it’s actually going to be like?

I had thought it through, what the implications could be but did I have any idea what a thankless task it would be? No.

Would I do it again? No.

Also to note, the SCs are not usually the problem in the relationship.
How many women have posted on here saying that over time they’ve ended up the default parent to their SCs. It happened gradually, they had no idea it was happening until the full reality hit them.
Of course they didn’t know that was going to happen.
It can happen slowly and build over time, similar to how abuse can evolve in relationships.

Step parents only have the opportunity to enter into a relationship because a prior one broke down,

Same with every relationship unless someone has never been in a relationship before.

Yes @Candyfloss99 but with relationships with no children you usually move on and that prior relationship becomes a thing of the past with no influence on the present. Not so when there are children involved, it remains a key feature. That changes the dynamics completely, as the experiences recounted here show

I apologise if I come across as goady @SpongebobNoPants, that's not my intent, but I'm not being ridiculous. What I'm describing here is the approach I adopted to avoid this heartache, and it's worked well for me. How is that ridiculous? When I was dating via OLD I only described myself in my profile, not what I was or wasn't looking for so I naturally matched with guys with kids. Given my age and the age group I was looking for their kids tended to be older than my child (or even grandkids) which was something I was prepared to tentatively explore. But none of those were ultimately something I wanted to progress. That's cautious, not ridiculous

No I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into. Not just the issues with the children but issues with the ex. My ex and I don’t speak which suits me but this woman is so spiteful and seems to relish in being cruel. Unfortunately we haven’t been able to see the kids as first one of them had Covid, then I did, then the other step child had it, then DH and DS had it. It’s been a nightmare. Maybe at some point we’ll see them again! As for generally, I just didn’t expect how hard it is to discipline other people’s kids when they are used to being able to do one thing and my DS another. We have to try and be fair in front of all of them but when each child is used to different things it’s tough. One last moan (on a tangent I admit) DH’s kids will say thank you to him only for gifts. He had to always remind them to say thanks to me but then it doesn’t mean anything. It’s been 5 years FGS 😤

@palebluefringe with all due respect you sound like you are considerably older than me (mention of grandchildren) so understandably you do have the option to choose men who have much older children.
Unless I wanted a gap of at least a generation between myself and a potential partner then I don’t have that option, which I’m sure is the situation with many SMs on this board.

My age range for potential partners is 30-45 which means they often come with young/teen DC.

You are speaking from your own set of circumstances and seem oblivious that these don’t apply to others.

Also step-parenting issues aren’t limited to those with small, dependant children.

My mum is was widowed 10 years ago and for the last 3 years has been dating a lovely man with a DD who is now 33. Even though my mum isn’t a SM as such as she met her DP’s DD when she was already grown up it doesn’t mean there haven’t been a tonne of issues and jealousy from her “SD”.

Did my mum know what she was getting into? Did she heck.

Dating without children involved past about 35 is nearly impossible. And we cannot predict the behaviour of others unfortunately.

I know I didn’t know the full extent of what I was getting into, and neither did my own DM recently.

I'm 48, was 44 when I started dating, my age range was up to 60

Also to note, the SCs are not usually the problem in the relationship.

This is so true. It’s the adults.

• Lazy partner who leaves everything to you and makes stepparenting his children a hard slog every day when he should be reason it’s all worth it.

-The ex wife who thinks she’s your boss and can say whatever the fuck she wants to you. It does take its toll believe me.

• The in laws who have an obsession with the first child and create a HUGE divide within the children and yet YOU the evil stepmum are expected to be the bigger person and accept it and always treat the children the same while your children are treated as second best by family members.

Nope, I didn’t expect any of that to happen at all. Thankfully I no longer have to deal with any of it.

Also to note, the SCs are not usually the problem in the relationship

So true. I've yet to come across a situation where it's the children who are the problem and not the adults all acting like immature twats unable to put them first.

@palebluefringe so yes, considerably older. A 60 year old man would nearly be old enough to be my grandad

Whilst I agree with the sentiment the last few comments have put across - often it is outside forces that make this situation difficult, I wish it was ok to admit that actually a lot of the time, the step children ARE a big part of the problem. Or rather, their behaviour is. Not only are many children very challenging and draining to look after, which you wouldn't realise the extent of unless you had experience of children, but often step children target particularly difficult behaviour towards their step parents. Whether that be because adults around them are projecting negative messages onto them, or purely of their own volition, it can be awful.

@palebluefringe I think I can see the point you’re trying to make. You’re essentially saying that all people should know that subsequent relationships, where children exist from a previous relationship are known to be more challenging. As such, people should understand and ‘swerve’ these relationships. Otherwise when they hit the inevitable challenges, they should have been prepared/ known what they were getting themselves into. You have a point but I’ll just reiterate the following.

Discussions about this are not mainstream.
It astounds me that there continues to be so much coverage Mainstream of domestic abuse and yet the abuse (in the main perpetrated by resident parents) barely gets any coverage. It’s abuse that impacts the children, the NRP and by proxy they partner. Why is that?

If you know someone in family law/ a family judge/ social worker, again you may be lucky enough to get a heads up and warned about what family courts see on a daily basis. I had always thought social services / court hearings main work was for child abuse/ neglect. I had no idea how much of their work was around awful contested hearings for contact arrangements. I had no idea that allegations such as child abuse/ neglect / rape were now daily allegations in nearly every family court room. Judges don’t bat an eyelid now when someone is accused of rape when there are contested court hearings. It has become commonplace. Again, how many common folk know that? I read a lot and I had absolutely no idea.

Spend any time speaking to professionals and they will tell you that the family court system and surrounding resources are not fit for purpose. They are overwhelmed, under resourced and huge biases (towards the primary carers) still exist within the system. Courts will time and again see that a RP is fuelling conflict/ being difficult and yet they have next to no tools to stop it. As long as a NRP is seeing their child, and there are no evident concerns around the child(ren), a whole host of abuse is fundamentally ignored. Why? What can judges do?

They can’t remove children (well they can but that requires a lot of professional intervention). They can’t penalise the RP (well again they can, but how many RP’s do you hear about getting put in prison for breaching a court order?). What courses can the court force the RP parent to go on to show the emotional and psychological damage they are inflicting in their children? They rarely do.

What’s my point? Yes what ive been through as a result of my DP’s EW is extreme. But less extreme examples of manipulation/ vitriol/ conflict exist much wider spread.

How was I to know? I’m an EW and I engage in none of these behaviours against my exh. It’s horrific behaviour.

Until these discussions reach mainstream media. Until the issues in the family courts are highlighted at the most senior levels. Until society as a whole becomes more educated around these complex issues. People won’t know. And they’ll meander into these relationships with good faith, trust and a belief that they can make it work.

No one, nothing, can prepare you for a vengeful/ controlling EXW. So many women cannot let go and are intent on exerting control via their children.

Would I date a man with children again? Yes. But would I get involved in his family or have him involved in mine? No. Sadly the choice I have ahead of me is to focus on my children, friends and family. And until such time that my children have grown and leave the nest, I will accept that any semblance of moving on is not happening.