Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

No I did not. Not saying I'd change anything but I was naive

It's naive to enter into a relationship with someone who is a parent and not have on your radar that the dynamic will be very different to that of a relationship with someone without kids.

I agree you can't know exactly how things will play out but when they don't run smoothly, it surely can't be a surprise. There was a thread last year where a woman was unhappy at the time her boyfriend was spending with his daughters at her expense. She said she was used to being the centre of attention and hadn't previously had a relationship with "added complications". Do people actually think that children - family, are just added complications and not in fact possibly the centre of someone's universe?

I'm not sure anyone goes into parenthood without being aware of how difficult it can be.

Actually I think most people do!

@palebluefringe

It might be naive, but people do naive things when they don't have any knowledge of something. Why would you not be surprised when it doesn't go smoothly, when you have never encountered any instance of anyone openly talking about it not going smoothly?

My experience of men who have their children on a firmly NRP basis is that they don't actually talk about them all that often (could be a lot of different reasons for that) and have a full, active social life during the majority of the time that they aren't with their kids. So no, they don't give off a strong impression that their kids are so much the centre of their universe that they don't have the time or inclination to properly commit to a romantic relationship at the same time. Some will make their circumstances and the various challenges regarding their kids behaviour and/or fraught dynamic with their ex properly clear, but I have never encountered that happening.

Parents have a responsibility that step parents don't and go in knowing this

I feel like this point proves the one you are arguing against. When you are a parent, you know you will be giving things up and accepting responsibilities. A step parent with no experience of children does not go into the situation knowing they will have any personal responsibility for any of it. You don't go in already knowing the hard parts.

Hell no.

If DH hadn't been such a tolerant, patient man we wouldn't have lasted.

I always tell my single friends to think carefully before getting involved with man who has DC.

I agree you wouldn’t know. It’s a bit like before you had your own kids you don’t really know up until you have your own 24/7.

It's naive to enter into a relationship with someone who is a parent and not have on your radar that the dynamic will be very different to that of a relationship with someone without kids.

It’s not about being naive. We all go into situations that we know will or could bring difficulties but, for some reason, it’s almost exclusively to SMs that people say “you knew what you were getting into”.

I also believe difficulties are often not about not realising how important someone’s children are to them. It’s often because the SM is expected to work around everyone else - their partner, his children and their mother. If she finds any of it difficult she’s told she should have known. If mum or dad find it difficult the world is full of sympathy that life is so hard. Didn’t they know what they got into when they had kids with something they couldn’t make it work with or when they decided to split? Of course they did.

*Why would you not be surprised when it doesn't go smoothly, when you have never encountered any instance of anyone openly talking about it not going smoothly?

Because of your own life experience? Growing up in a family, or a blended family, or seeing friends families. Because of how step families are portrayed in tv and film? It's all there right in front of you.

My experience of men who have their children on a firmly NRP basis is that they don't actually talk about them all that often (could be a lot of different reasons for that) and have a full, active social life during the majority of the time that they aren't with their kids. So no, they don't give off a strong impression that their kids are so much the centre of their universe that they don't have the time or inclination to properly commit to a romantic relationship at the same time*

And you think this makes a man a good catch? If I met a man who didn't make his kids the centre of his universe I'd be wary. I deliberately avoided men whose kids would physically take up his time because I wanted more for myself. If I'd gone for a man with younger kids that wouldn't, and shouldn't be the case.

Bold fail, second paragraph is my words, not a quote

Nope absolutely not! If i would have known i would have rang for the hills!

My DSD mum has made my life a misery, accusations, calling social services etc.

I would advise my friends to avoid at all costs!!

If I met a man who didn't make his kids the centre of his universe I'd be wary.

It’s hard to make your child the centre of your universe when you are told when you can and can’t see them (certainly not at Christmas or their birthday or anything like that) are told it’s none of your business how they are brought up, and you will just have to make do with EOW and half (her version of half, not the actual mathematical half the rest of the world knows and loves) the holidays, and certainly cannot see the child during the week because they are very, very busy with hair appointments, tutors and after school activities.
That’s a hell of a void at the centre of someone’s universe, and one that can lead to a whole lot of anguish and mental health strain. So I wouldn’t/couldn’t/didn’t judge DH harshly for building a life for himself the rest of the time.

I don't think it's possible to have the vaguest of clues what life with someone else's kids will be like - especially if you're not a parent yourself. DP (now DH) really struggled when I moved in with 2 DCs in tow - he's a patient, long suffering man and it worked out fine, but it wasn't easy for him. Lots of counting to ten was involved.

I feel like this point proves the one you are arguing against. When you are a parent, you know you will be giving things up and accepting responsibilities. A step parent with no experience of children does not go into the situation knowing they will have any personal responsibility for any of it. You don't go in already knowing the hard parts.

But you do go in knowing that your partner, the parent will be giving things up and accepting responsibility, and that naturally will impact on you and your relationship

@palebluefringe

Like I said, not everyone has any personal experience of step families that are difficult, or at least one where the people involved are open about that, I certainly didn't.

I have never seen a film that accurately portrays what it is like. Usually, the child is very well mannered and enthusiastic about their parent having a new partner and they quickly become a happy family, or the step parent is a cartoonish villain and you don't usually analyse those type of films for life lessons.

I think you have a very parent centric mindset. Before I had any children of my own, it wouldn't have offended or shocked me that a partner wasn't pining after his children when they weren't there, or if he shifted things around to make time for me. From a perspective where children are not particularly a primary focus of yours, within a set up where the children live with their mum 90% of the time and visit their dad 10% of the time, it would have made total sense to me that he would have a full and happy life for the remainder of his time, and that they would just be a facet of his life rather than the sole purpose of it. Tbh, it still does. If he was openly dismissive of them and didn't seem to care about them, then it would have put me off. But if he simply seemed able to be a complete person and have a successful relationship while they were at their mum's, then it wouldn't.

If you are not in the kind of relationship where the partner is having to frequently cancel plans with you due to his commitment to his kids, then you may never encounter him making a balance between his romantic relationship with you, and his commitment to his kids being an issue, before you actually meet them and the situation becomes very different. You just don't see him for a few set days in the month, which is normal in the early stages of a relationship anyway.

But you do go in knowing that your partner

Yeah. Unfortunately I didn't go in knowing how batshit crazy and frankly viscious his ex was.

@aSofaNearYou absolutely agree with every word you've said

I also believe difficulties are often not about not realising how important someone’s children are to them. It’s often because the SM is expected to work around everyone else - their partner, his children and their mother. If she finds any of it difficult she’s told she should have known. If mum or dad find it difficult the world is full of sympathy that life is so hard. Didn’t they know what they got into when they had kids with something they couldn’t make it work with or when they decided to split? Of course they did.

But these are very different circumstances. Step parents only have the opportunity to enter into a relationship because a prior one broke down, and that broken relationship provides the backdrop to the new one where kids are involved. I find if It incredible that people are unaware this might not be the easiest situation to navigate.

And I disagree that people only use the "you knew what you were getting into" line with step parents. It was said to me when I got involved with a recently widowed man. I can't say I didn't know the risks.

@Giespeace your husband's situation sounds awful and I agree with you completely, but the fact that you're aware of the angst this causes him shows that notwithstanding the blockers he faces, his kids are at the centre of his universe.

@aSofaNearYou I had a relationship when I was around 24 with a guy who had a daughter he'd had to fight through the legal system to see. This guy was the classic bad boy type I used to go for (nothing illegal, just a bit of a player) but to see him cry his heart out when he showed me the file of legal papers he kept gave me a perspective I might never have got so young. I never planned on becoming a parent myself and whilst I have one child who I think I'm a great mother to, I'm not and have never been maternal. But having grown up in a happy family with a couple of wrinkles we got over, that relationship showed me how complicated parenthood could be. That's when I decided I didn't want a relationship with a parent, and I married a young widower who had no kids.

I'm still not sure that logic doesn't warn people that a relationship with an ever present ex and existing kids isn't likely to be a walk in the park

I find if It incredible that people are unaware this might not be the easiest situation to navigate

No I think we all knew that. I still didn't know exactly what I'd have to go through though. Its easy to have an idea but very different when you're actually faced with it.

No.. and if I had I'd have run for the hills.

How can any one envision what the future will be like when there is another person who isn't a central part to 'your' family who has a massive amount of say and influence in your family life?

Whilst things were ok at the beginning, and I put any issues down to it being early days how could I have seen the DHs ex would get a new boyfriend with a set of completely different, and very strict, religious and personal beliefs which would filter through to SDs mum and in turn begin to impress upon her. The divide has been made and whilst DH may wish to support these new beliefs (we are both atheists) I don't think I should have to filter what I say ap as to appease SD and its certainly not something I ever saw coming.

I’m a parent. Divorced. Amicable arrangement with my exh. Never needed court orders. Children move between us with no conflict. So as someone with children, that is my normal. So when I moved into the prospect of dating someone with children, I ‘assumed’ that I would be dealing with someone with a similar situation to me.
Eventually when we made a decision to intro the children, my exh was supportive and whilst it took some readjustment, it went ok.

No one, absolutely no one could have prepared me for what actually happened with my DP’s EW.

1. multiple allegations resulting in social service investigations (all shut down)
2. constant hostility from the EW
3. a complete inability to co-parent with this woman, parallel parenting remains the only option
4. complete lack of updates from the EW on anything do with the children. leaving my DP with the only option of having to maintain direct contact with the children’s school/ gp etc.
5. a court order (after multiple court lengthy procedures) that allows the EW to procrastinate on agreeing all holiday dates. Agreeing them as last minute as possible.
6. children who are manipulated against both my DP (unsuccessfully) and me (successfully).
7. a partner who then can become consumed in the unhealthy dynamic with the ex wife, leaving less time and energy on the new partner.

Basically, every single interaction with this woman has the intent of causing conflict/ upset/ pain.
Absolutely no one could have prepared me for the situation. Why? Because as a mother myself, I find it inconceivable that this is what anyone would do against the parent of their children. And that this is what they could put their own children through.

I had no idea that a woman like this existed. So does that make me naive? Stupid? Should I have known better?

No. No one talks about the complexities of any of this. I had never heard any of these stories. I had zero idea how much havoc someone else could wreak on my life. And until you’ve lived it, no one knows.

How can any one envision what the future will be like when there is another person who isn't a central part to 'your' family who has a massive amount of say and influence in your family life?

That's the point, you can't, do you can't be surprised when it doesn't play out how you'd have liked it to. Clearly people proceed with rose coloured specs on anyway. I personally would never have welcomed such uncertainty in my life and future.

I personally would never have welcomed such uncertainty in my life and future

Ooooh bully for you