Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

I find if It incredible that people are unaware this might not be the easiest situation to navigate.

I’m not sure what you’re arguing for. Not for SMs that for sure.

I don’t think anyone is saying that they went into a step situation thinking it would be easy or that there wouldn’t be any difficulties or complications, although it’s possible that one might. Like PPs have said, I don’t know many step or blended families at all and I do not accept that seeing a blended family on TV is an accurate depiction of real life.

Surely the point is not that SMs should have known they might face some difficulties, because, as many of us have said, we all go into various situations that we know are difficult. The point is that we all face difficulties in life, whether in our friendships, relationships, our own children (could be health related, behavioural issues, anything) and in that care no one would say “well you knew what you were getting into when you had kids” but when a SM talks about difficulties with the child’s behaviour, the awkward family dynamic, or the children’s mother being a bitch, it’s “well you should have known”.

It’s just clear bias against step mothers. And it’s rude.

I'm going to start posting on every single thread where a parent is struggling with some aspect of parenting saying 'you should have known it wouldn't be easy'.

I guarantee it would take approximately 0.5 seconds for someone to jump on me and rip me to shreds.

I'm going to start posting on every single thread where a parent is struggling with some aspect of parenting saying 'you should have known it wouldn't be easy'.

I’ll join you. What if any mum posts we’re met with the same tone that SM posts are shock

I always suspect the MN posters who say "you knew exactly what you were getting into are the same ones who encourage their kids to be rude, dirty and disrespectful to their father and stepmother.
I have known women who absolutely love the idea of their kids making their ex and his new partner as unhappy as possible.
For this reason I have always avoided relationships with men with kids. I don't have any myself, why should I put up with shit from anyone else's kids?

It’s just clear bias against step mothers. And it’s rude

My son has a step mother. My ex is a step father and my partner is a step father. I'm the only one in my set up who isn't. I think they're all doing a great job in their respective step roles, as does my son more importantly. Their risks appeared to have paid off, but I wouldn't have taken them. It helps that none of us are awful people

@palebluefringe

I don't mean to be goady, but don't you think on some level you aren't the best qualified to talk about how the reality might differ from expectations, given that you aren't a step parent and never have been?

You might be the sort of person that already anticipated it being hard, but for all you know it would have been much, much worse in reality.

So basically @palebluefringe you wouldn’t have been a SM as it would have been too hard but those of who have gone down that road had best just shut up and get on with it as we deserve any difficulties we face but it’s ok to vent in almost any other situation and expect empathy.

No @aSofaNearYou I don't agree at all. At 24 dating a man with a child shaped my thinking and that stayed with me. I could of course have dated a dad and it gone swimmingly. Or it could have been the hell pp's describe here. I repeat, this thread is about the comment "you knew what you were getting into". I was aware what I might get into, and I swerved. I'm sorry for the awful experiences of pp's, as I said a very close friend is in the same boat, but I made a clear decision to not put myself in that position, potential love of my life or not. Love really can't conquer all as pp's who tolerated the situation but then left have shown.

No @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow vent away, but don't like you didn't have agency in this situation.

^don't act

The situation I was talking about with my friend was benign enough. But our overall situation is anything but benign. Dps exw does everything she can to make things difficult. @palebluefringe, you suggested that I should have known that managing 2 different levels of school work would be difficult. I didn't. I didn't choose to homeschool my own dc at any level, and have been very unprepared for this new role as mom/teacher/person who nags at them until they turn the laptop on.

I also, like many pps, assumed that all mothers had the best interests of the dc I mind. I assumed that a respectful co-parenting relationship was the norm. It's what I have with my ex, and the general conversations on the Internet about high conflict exes usually ends with someone saying that the man is wrong, must have done something to warrant such hatred, or is lying. Because as the mother, the ex must be right.

Back to my point of the schoolwork, I would and have discussed with my ex what has been done, what needs to be done and what our dc are struggling with. Dps ex will not communicate anything, or in a very timely manner, or she just doesn't do any school work with them then tells us on a Saturday that they've done nothing all week.

I had no idea what being in a relationship with someone who has a high conflict ex looked like, and no amount of 'Google searching' could have prepared me.

Sorry but I stand by it. I had no idea what I was getting into. Dps ex seemed like a nice normal woman to start with. A good mother. I could have never anticipated what happened next.

Perhaps because I had never met someone so vindictive twisted and vile before.

So I'll say it for the final time (I'm sure you'll all be glad!). Irrespective of the specifics of the circumstances you subsequently found yourselves in, there is no possible way you all didn't realise that the general situation you were about to enter into had the potential to be fraught irrespective of how normal everything might have seemed. But you chose it anyway. It's naive at best.

I was aware what I might get into, and I swerved.

Well I saw how difficult having children could be so I chose not to. That doesn’t mean if someone posts about their baby/toddler/teenager ring difficult I would think it would be ok to say “well you knew what you were getting in to”

That’s the point of this thread. That saying that is unkind and unhelpful as well as untrue as no one can see into the future.

Being difficult

that the general situation you were about to enter into had the potential to be fraught irrespective of how normal everything might have seemed

ANY situation has the potential to be fraught. I wouldn't have assumed that situation to be more likely to be fraught than any relationship. What was presented to me was a good co parenting relationship. And it was. I saw it with my own eyes. One parent changed once I was already happy in the relationship. I couldn't have anticipated that. Dp couldn't have anticipated that as this was a side of his ex he had never seen. He obviously knew her very well and was incredibly surprised by her behaviour.

You're talking bollocks basically.

With all due respect @palebluefringe your last post is remarkably condescending & quite frankly pretty rude. You are entitled to your opinion but you are not entitled to write off everyone's else's experiences under a blanket headline of your own making. The majority of posters on this thread seem like rational & intelligent women who knew there would be ups & downs when getting involved with someone with children - that's the nature of life in general & parenthood specifically - but for the majority the very bad problems did not present until well into the relationship & you shouldn't be shaming people for that.
If a friend said to you "my husband is an alcoholic" would you be so unsympathetic as to say "your own fault you knew he liked he odd beer when you married him"? This scenario is exactly the same - issues not manifesting until well into a relationship & saying you should have known better is a very dangerous aspect of cancel culture.

I was aware what I might get into, and I swerved

Well in that case I do think you are being pretty obtuse at this point. You keep describing experiences that meant you personally did have an indication of what the difficulties would be, and chose to avoid them. The point I and others have made is that not everyone has those formative experiences. Repeating that you did have them so knew it would be tough doesn't mean other people did.

If you haven't been a step parent, then you don't actually have any idea how much easier or harder it would turn out to be than your base level of expectations. You are just not an expert on the subject.

@palebluefringe

You don’t know anything about my situation but you continue to generalise and judge step parent difficulties as being different from any other. We all choose many circumstances - to be a parent, to be a step parent, to work, to buy a house, all come with difficulties but you have failed to explain why it’s different to chose to enter a step type situation so I won’t even ask again.

Finding parenting difficult? That's normal, fine acceptable... Here have some support

Finding STEP parenting difficult? You are evil, selfish, childish, don't understand children must always come first, you knew what you were getting into etc etc

Because @NurseJaques as a parent it's your responsibility. As a step parent, it's not.

I can only base my view on my experience, both personal and wider. I think some of those railing against me sleep walked into their situation. You could have known better, as grown, resourced women. Just own your choices. It's not your fault a mother is a narcissist or a sociopath. But you chose to walk into the lions den.

You could have known better, as grown, resourced women. Just own your choices.

Everyone should own their own choices. Not just step parents.

Unquestionably @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow. i acknowledged upthread re my child free marriage

Paleblue you’re coming across as deliberately misunderstanding what this is about at this point.

It’s not about whether people might have thought it could have hurdles.

It’s that saying “you knew what you were getting in to” is unhelpful, unkind and bloody rude and on this site anyway is pretty much exclusively said to stepparents to put them back in their place.

Would you say to a friend struggling with a newborn not sleeping “well you knew what you were getting yourself into”

If you would, maybe you’re just a rude person and bad friend. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not your fault a mother is a narcissist or a sociopath. But you chose to walk into the lions den

Why would anyone perceive a happy co parenting relationship as "the lions den"?

Please please explain this.