Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

I think that a lot of the vitriol towards step mums is projecting. We represent the fact that families break up and children can become close to a woman who takes care of them who isn't them. I think some women see this is a threat and something to fear.

I didn't know what I was getting into. Before I met DP I thought there was no way I would enter a relationship with someone who has kids. It sounded terrible. I have been pleasantly surprised by how easy it has been and how well we all get on.

@funinthesun19 I absolutely agree. Most children (including both my own DCs and my SCs) are much happier after their parents have actually separated, because the months and sometimes years prior to parents deciding to split isn’t pleasant for anyone.
However, my point was that on MN only your SCs could possibly be affected by their parents split, it seems unfathomable that SM’s DC could also be struggling with their own parents’ split. Only SC are allowed to be upset or struggling and should be treated with kid gloves at the expense of the rest of the household

@SpongebobNoPants are you me? Lol.
In fairness exdp & I fought very little but the one time I do remember blowing up at him was over one comment too many about how much harder his kids had it than mine. This was his opinion based on the fact that my kids saw their dad one night during the week & one night every weekend whereas he had the more usual set up of eow & some half holidays - this was mainly due to his work - and this attitude was letting his kids get away with some very unpleasant behaviours which I tried to keep my nose out of.
I pointed out to him that my kids struggled just as much with aspects of their parents' divorce as his did but the difference was mine were listened to & comforted but not indulged - unlike his. I also remember angrily pointing out that his divorce and access arrangements were decided on way before he met me because his exw didn't want to work oth & so he was the sole breadwinner, & that his arrangements had nothing to do with me or more importantly my kids so why were they being targeted by his exw & his kids???
We broke up after a dreadful holiday where his childrens' jealousy & attitude towards mine was no longer something I could put down to insecurity. It was bad behaviour pure & simple & was never going to get tackled the way it needed to.

@Magda72 I’ve recently name changed but I’ve been on MN for many years and I remember reading your posts about that holiday. You definitely didn’t have it easy and I’m so happy you for you that you got yourself and your DCs out of that toxic situation.
You always talk a lot of sense on here and seem to be the voice of reason and balance when threads go to shit and people start vilifying stepmums who dare to have feelings or are struggling. You’ve posted on many of my threads over the years offering sound advice.

SpongebobNoPants You know how people always go on on here about children needing quality time with just their dad when their parents have split? Well you should have seen some of the responses one thread when it was a mum wanting to spend time with just her child. Apparently she shouldn’t be excluding her SC.

I do agree that some posters on here projecting their own feelings about their own children when they’ve split with their ex. We all love our own children and would do anything for them, but people need to realise not everyone loves their little darlings as much as they do.
They can’t bear the thought of their ex’s partner not making their child the centre of their universe. Whilst at the same time expecting their ex to not disadvantage their child in favour of his stepchildren, which is funny because they’re expecting their ex’s partner to do it to hers. Basically they want their child to have absolutely everything from everyone.

In the case of half siblings, again, people expect the stepmum to bend over backwards for the SC when it won’t always be convenient or will disadvantage her or her own children.

They can’t bear the thought of their ex’s partner not making their child the centre of their universe. Whilst at the same time expecting their ex to not disadvantage their child in favour of his stepchildren, which is funny because they’re expecting their ex’s partner to do it to hers. Basically they want their child to have absolutely everything from everyone.

That's a damn good summary of the overall attitude to SM's in MN.....

Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

People who say that are wankers. Next time your friend is in trouble use it back at her.

“My car broke down”
“Oh well you knew what you were getting into when you bought a car”
“I tripped over and broke my wrist”
“Oh well you knew what you weren’t doing when you went out for a walk”

Etc etc.

@funinthesun19 I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at your summary because it’s so accurate!

As a PP also said, for some mothers SMs represent the fact that families break up, move on and then other women love and care for those children as well as fulfilling the wife role they once filled with their exDH.

@funinthesun19
I remember that thread! There was even one poster suggesting that the step children could end up suicidal adults because their SM took her own child out for the day without them while they were with their own mother! What a peach! Who could ever “know what they were getting into” in that scenario?

Giespeace It’s absolutely bonkers isn’t it? Suicidal because their stepmum had some time with her own children without them. Why do people even think like this?

I honestly find this so damaging. Imagine flipping it round to it being your biological children.

Baby crying in the night? Well, you knew what you were getting yourself into
Toddler not listening to you? Well you knew what you were getting yoirself into
Teenager being rude and moody? Well, you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Your friends a twat.

No. And it really fucking annoys me when people trot it out too.

It's exactly the same with your own children. No parent 'knows what they were getting into' when they have children of their own. You may think you do but the reality is a learning curve and one most people aren't fully prepared for no matter how much they think they are.

Has your friend been a step-child? Or is she just read too many Mumsnet threads?

I suspect the latter due to the crap she has come out with.

No, you really don’t.
You may start dating & find you get on amazingly but until the kids are introduced this really is the test. Your parenting has to be pretty similar otherwise it’s a nightmare!
I was in a position where I would discipline my children but my ex dp was too frightened to for fear of losing them (he had a challenging ex wife)! I got fed up with a life of biting my tongue and just being open mouthed at the sheer magnitude of the unnecessary problems which arose just to massage the ex wife’s ego and to keep his dc’s happy.

*People who say that are wankers. Next time your friend is in trouble use it back at her.

“My car broke down”
“Oh well you knew what you were getting into when you bought a car”
“I tripped over and broke my wrist”
“Oh well you knew what you weren’t doing when you went out for a walk”*

This isn't at all comparable. The dynamics around step families are so unpredictable, and that is well documented. I find it odd that people would subsequently say they didn't know what they were getting into. Maybe not specifically but they must have known the situation had the potential to be extremely fraught, and chose to proceed

This isn't at all comparable. The dynamics around step families are so unpredictable, and that is well documented. I find it odd that people would subsequently say they didn't know what they were getting into

That’s a complete contradiction. The dynamics of step families are so unpredictable yet SMs should know what they are getting into... and more so than when they buy a car or have a child of their own...

No @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow, the point if they know they are choosing unpredictability, so then it seems odd to complain they it's not like they thought it would be.

No. Not even close.

@palebluefringe why would you be aware what being in a step family is like if you've never been in one, or know what having kids in general is like when you don't have your own? You're assuming a base level of a lot more knowledge of quite a specific scenario than the average person who gets into a relationship with someone that has kids who, for the first year or so, are usually purely conceptual, as they're not there full time and you're kept separate. It's easy to get in deep with no idea how hard it's going to be.

But that's the point @aSofaNearYou, if you have no idea, why wouldn't you put some thought into it? Just google "being a stepparent". People may not have direct experience but it's not hard to imagine that it could be very complicated. I find it unfathomable that people would enter into a relationship with a parent without their eyes wide open. Based on what I've read on mumsnet, I think some people underestimate the relationship a potential partner has with their kids and overestimate the one they'd like to have with the parent.

the point if they know they are choosing unpredictability, so then it seems odd to complain they it's not like they thought it would be.

Life is unpredictable. It really is so anti-step mother to suggest that a SM should know what’s she’s getting into in a way that anyone else shouldn’t. Why is it different from someone having a child and then talking about difficulties they're facing either within a nuclear family or a lone or because their children have become part of a blended family. It doesn’t make any sense.

You can have your eyes open as wide as you want but unless you've a crystal ball there's no way of knowing what'll happen.

It really is so anti-step mother to suggest that a SM should know what’s she’s getting into in a way that anyone else shouldn’t.

Not anti step mother at all. My son has a step mother and she's great with him. I appreciate all that she does for him.

*Why is it different from someone having a child and then talking about difficulties they're facing either within a nuclear family or a lone or because their children have become part of a blended family. It doesn’t make any sense

It's different because I'm not sure anyone goes into parenthood without being aware of how difficult it can be. Parents have a responsibility that step parents don't and go in knowing this. When I started dating after divorce my unwritten rule was I wouldn't date anyone with children the same age or younger than mine. Not because I found parenthood hard, my son was and is very easy to parent, but he was 13 at the time and I started to get some independence back. I didn't want to give that up for somebody else's children. As it happens I've been happy for 4 years with a man who didn't have kids,

The time for losing your head over someone is when you're a kid. After that, I think some pragmatism needs to come into the choosing of a partner.

@palebluefridge

Prior to becoming a step parent, I'd never heard anyone talk openly about how hard it was. Not everyone extensively researches everything they have no reason to suspect will be particularly hard. And, yes, if you are not a parent, and you are aware your partner has their kids say EOW, it is very easy to underestimate how much it is going to impact your life, and how many sacrifices you will end up making because of them. It's different if the partner is the resident parent and you know the kids will be there close to full time.

I don't see any logical reason why non parents should be expected to know how difficult things to do with parenting are. It's not on their radar. A lot of parents who get into relationships don't advertise the fact that they don't plan on fulfilling the expectations you would have of any other partner, or that they will be passing on a load of the parenting work onto you. Otherwise, they would be viewed as very unattractive potential partners. Perhaps because it would sound judgemental, people don't often openly describe people with kids in this manner.

Personally, I didn't underestimate how much involvement my partner would have, but I did underestimate how hard and often unpleasant it would actually be. I had no reason to expect that.

God no, how can anyone really know what they're getting in to? I hope I went in to it with my eyes open, and with a clear sense that things might would be difficult at times, but also a sense of direction in terms of what we wanted for the kids involved. But that doesn't really equal knowing what you're in for - exactly the same as entering any kind of parenthood really!

I think it also comes from this attitude of not allowing people to complain about their lives in any way. You can complain about your job but still feel lucky to have it. You can complain that your baby doesn't sleep but still adore them. And you can say that step parenting is really difficult, without implying regret.