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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:
wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 17:10

@Cohle the Op has the right to do the walks. The children need to be supervised so if the mother doesn't want them out and safe then she needs to find a suitable alternative. What part don't you understand?

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:14

Seems people think it's okay to demand another woman sit in her house all day to look after their kids. Worrying really.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:17

I actually think it explains a lot of the threads you see on here from SMs complaining about their DHs ex wives, when you see that there actually are women out there who think it's totally fine to treat their children's step mother like this when she's doing you a favour. To treat her like shit and insist she stay in doors to mind your kids all day without showing any form of gratitude.

Hopingtobeamum · 28/03/2020 17:24

Tell her to fuck off and look after her own kids, your DH is fine with what you're doing, so if she doesn't like it then she'll need to sort it out herself. I think she has a fucking cheek tbh. Obviously you'll put it in a much nicer way. I think the tone of your message is fine. I'd drop the 'x' (sorry, can't remember if you put one on or not).
Sorry you're getting this kind of crap. You don't deserve it.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 17:41

Seems people think it's okay to demand another woman sit in her house all day to look after their kids. Worrying really.

During a global pandemic I think pulling together so that key workers can continue to provide essential services and children can remain safe, is slightly more important than OP not liking her stepkids mother's tone. Hmm

These aren't normal conditions and given that, refusing to do the right thing unless you're asked really really nicely is a bit off.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:42

During a global pandemic I think pulling together so that key workers can continue to provide essential services and children can remain safe, is slightly more important than OP not liking her stepkids mother's tone

I'd class looking after her children all day, continuing their education, feeding them, getting them air and exercise all whilst doing your own job, 'pulling together' wouldn't you?

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 17:44

So the Op is doing a seriously vital and important role. So vital it holds the country together.

Guess their mother better show some appreciation then.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 17:57

So the Op is doing a seriously vital and important role. So vital it holds the country together.

Of course it's an important role, that's why it's important that the OP, y'know, actually continues to do it. Hmm

Do you think NHS workers would flounce off patients weren't grovelling grateful?

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:57

Can you answer my question? If this arrangement no longer worked for OP for example if her own work was suffering, what would you expect? Should she quit her job in order to carry on providing childcare?

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:58

Which she's said numerous times she'll continue to do... It's up to the mother if she wants to continue with Ops very generous offer or find an alternative. What's so difficult to understand?

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:59

You want OP to continue providing childcare and do so to the mother's exact specifications. That's not right.

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 17:59

The massive difference there being that NHS workers get paid.

So to equal the balance OP should charge her the market rate for childcare right @Cohle? And then it will be even.

Because Op is not obligated to help this woman. She owes her nothing.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 18:00

OP should just put up and shut up and go 'yes ma'am no ma'am' and have no say on how her day to day routine operates? Have I got it right?

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 18:03

If OP is to act and spend her time according to mum's rules perhaps she should send her an invoice for said time? Would that be okay?

CallmeAngelina · 28/03/2020 18:03

She's not asking the ex-wife to ask nicely. She's asking her not to speak to her like shit.

offlikeabanger · 28/03/2020 18:05

No one wants her to grovel. They want her to be respectful.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 18:38

Can you answer my question? If this arrangement no longer worked for OP for example if her own work was suffering, what would you expect? Should she quit her job in order to carry on providing childcare?

Given we're in a state of national emergency I think we should all do all we can to help out. "The government has asked parents to keep their children at home, wherever possible, and asked schools to remain open only for those children who absolutely need to attend."

If it is actually impossible for the kids to be cared for at home that's fine.

My point is that if it actually is perfectly possible for the kids to be at home and the only reason it's being threatened that they'll have to go to school is because OP doesn't like her DH's ex's tone then I think she's behaving pretty badly.

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 19:01

So how many children of key workers are you looking after?

HillAreas · 28/03/2020 19:16

I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss - OP

Doesn’t seem it took much asking, nicely or otherwise, for OP to generously step in to help Hmm

How about this:

Ex - “Whatthe, I’m really sorry I lost my shit with you the other day, I’d had the worst day at work and shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I appreciate everything you’ve been doing, but I really am worried about the children being outdoors. Is there any way you could rejig your routine and go when you don’t have them?”

Whatthe - “ it’s ok, in understand your work must be hellish just now. I’ll rework things so that the children don’t have to come out with me. Usual time for drop off tomorrow?”

Or

Whatthe - “it’s ok, I understand your work must be hellish right now. I’m sorry it won’t be workable, and I’m not willing to give up something that’s important for my mental and physical health right now. I’m sure you and DH can come up with something else between you”

^
Ideal conversation. If OP continues to get ranting and raving “tones” however, I’d probably just not engage further and leave her to it. Nobody and nothing is being “threatened” - respect is just being quietly requested.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 19:27

So how many children of key workers are you looking after?

None. Because my husband is having chemotherapy for stage four cancer and we are doing our bit for the NHS as best we can by rigorously self-isolating.

BunnytheBee · 28/03/2020 19:29

During a global pandemic I think pulling together so that key workers can continue to provide essential services and children can remain safe, is slightly more important than OP not liking her stepkids mother's tone.

If someone was on here saying they had looked after their neighbour’s children a few times to help out while they were working but neighbour was then rude and critical to OP, would you say OP should suck it up and continue? Is that what we should all do? Are people who are under stress entitled to treat others, including those doing them a favour, however they want?

I don’t think so.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 28/03/2020 19:35

Can you answer my question? If this arrangement no longer worked for OP for example if her own work was suffering, what would you expect? Should she quit her job in order to carry on providing childcare?

No, op should tell her dh, the df, that it's not working anymore, she's too busy at work, she doesn't want to do it anymore and leave him to sort out the childcare with the ex.

All op has done now is chucked petrol on the fire. Hand responsibility back to mum and dad if she doesn't want to do it anymore or if the arrangements don't fit with what op wants to do.

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 19:40

Well the Op is following the guidelines as well. So she's doing a lot more than a hell of a lot.

She's WFH
Following guidelines.
And doing free full time childcare for 2 workers.

So a hell of a lot more than mine and yes even your contribution.

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 19:41

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras he doesn't have to organise childcare for his Ex.
He could just say actually OP will be watching the kids for me. But not for you. You need to organise something else.

Baker1985 · 28/03/2020 19:50

If shes front line nhs the children have more chance catching it from her If I was her I would be asking if the kids could stay with you for few weeks till it blows over like many other front line doctors an nurses have done

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