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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 12:48

Threaten the health of their children 😂😂😂😂😂

OP is the only one preventing these children from being at risk right now! So yeah maybe you should learn not to rant and rave at the person doing that.

Also ranting and raving is not just 'taking a tone' with someone. Stop twisting it so mum sounds far more measured than she actually does in OPs posts. Next you'll be saying 'she only asked politely that OP not take her children out' when that's clearly not what happened.

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 12:48

And?
The OP is working. She has a job and zero obligation.
So yes. As a mother she needs to be the one to shut the hell up and show some gratitude.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 12:50

And everyone seems to forget that dad, who also happens to be just as much of a parent as mum by the way, is okay with this arrangement and agrees it should continue.

Therefore he should be the one she is taking this up with, not OP. He has as much of a right to decide what's best for his children.

Thornhill58 · 28/03/2020 12:55

You only need the ok from your common sense. Clearly you don't need permission to go out for a walk. We are all free to do so.
Your husband clearly trust your judgement. We are living thru strange times.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 12:55

People seem to only be satisfied if OP sacrifices even more of her day to help this woman out (by not taking her daily outdoor exercise allowance).

OP is already sacrificing a huge amount of time and effort here. She does not now also have to sacrifice her limited outdoor time as well providing she's sticking to the guidance, to meet demands of her husband's Ex.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 12:59

I'm honestly interested in what people would think if OP said 'im sorry I'm getting too behind with work now so I'm not going to be able to do this anymore'.

Would she be expected to give up her job and shut up about it?

BunnytheBee · 28/03/2020 13:02

What you’re doing is great OP. You’re a great SM and your ex and your husband are lucky they have someone like you to look after their children.

Those saying she is scared etc, that does not justify speaking to OP this way. We are all stressed, worried and trying to adapt to a different lifestyle at the moment. Ex might be an NHS worker but I’m sure Op isn’t having the easiest time trying to do a full time job at home while looking after someone else’s children and then being criticised for it...

HillAreas · 28/03/2020 13:57

The wrong thing to do, whilst we are in the thick of it, is pick passive aggressive arguments

The only person picking arguments is the mother. And she’s not being passive about it.

Because the reasonable, measured response to someone taking a tone with you is to threaten the health of their children.

There’s “taking a tone” and then there’s “ranting and raving”.
The only person threatening the children’s health is the Mother who want to ban them from any fresh air and excercise and perhaps put them in school if she doesn’t get her way with OP.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2020 14:24

Because the reasonable, measured response to someone taking a tone with you is to threaten the health of their children. That's a totally pleasant way to behave during a pandemic.

When people say "you're welcome to look elsewhere if you have a problem with how I'm doing things", they usually don't mean "I'm not going to look after them anymore, end of discussion", they just mean "I suggest you change your tone and attitute". It is a reminder that she is doing her a huge favour and shouldn't be shouted at. It's not a threat, it's obvious OP would still look after them if the mother remembered some respect.

CallmeAngelina · 28/03/2020 14:25

It's not surprising the number of rude and unreasonable people there are "acting out" in the world, when so many people are falling over themselves to excuse justify poor behaviour.
Good on the OP for assertively and politely stating her boundaries.
We're all in the shit at the moment, dealing with challenges that would have been unthinkable only a few weeks ago. Therefore, if someone has extended a helping hand to you, it ought to be second nature to us to be grateful and say thank you, not chuck a wobbly.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 15:01

Only on mumsnet is saying "it's my way or the highway" not a threat.

If what OP means is "I suggest your change your tone" then she should say just that. Unfortunately that's not actually what the OP means, because she has told us already that what she is actually trying to say is "fuck off and find something else then". Charming.

offlikeabanger · 28/03/2020 15:11

Nice bit of cherry picking @Cohle

OP has also said:

May be a bit too nicey nice but I don't really want to go in all guns blazing. It would be shit for DC if relationships broke down now of all times.

Something the ex should bear in mind.

and

The only reason I'm reluctant to start anything up is because she's frontline NHS and I know she's under a lot of stress right now (and I appreciate the job she does!).

Where is the ex's appreciation of what OP is doing?

funinthesun19 · 28/03/2020 15:19

I'm honestly interested in what people would think if OP said 'im sorry I'm getting too behind with work now so I'm not going to be able to do this anymore'.

Would she be expected to give up her job and shut up about it?

I think according to some people, as long as the mum and stepchildren are ok then screw everyone else.

funinthesun19 · 28/03/2020 15:22

And that applies to most step situations really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2020 15:30

Ah there they are, the angry ranty usual suspects who don’t need a pandemic to justify their unpleasant spiteful contributions but have used it anyway. Delightful.

OP, hope you’re okay

bogoffmda · 28/03/2020 16:10

Shouldnt the father in the whole of this be the one pulling his finger out

wibblewobblejiggle · 28/03/2020 16:12

He's a frontline worker.
So I assume that the OP and her husband are happy to work as a team in this time.

The mother isn't really part of that team. And so needs a better attitude.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 16:46

Nice bit of cherry picking @Cohle**

I'm not trying to cherry pick. Just pointing out that giving the most unbelievably charitable interpretation to the OP's meaning and motivation is faintly ridiculous when she's already told us exactly what she means.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2020 16:48

Only on MN is saying "it's my way or the highway not a threat

"It's my way or the highway" would be the case if OP flat out refused to reconsider taking them for a walk no matter how politely the mother asked. That's not what is going on, it's not "it's my way or the highway", it's "if you're going to abuse me then I don't want to be involved." There's absolutely no reason to think OP would have suggested she find alternative childcare if she had been polite, so if by "my way" you mean not being abused whilst doing someone a favour, then of course it is appropriate to say she doesn't want to be involved if that's how it's going to be. Only on MN would someone say that was threatening.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 16:54

Agree ASofa. In fact the OP has explicitly said that she wouldn't have had a problem if the message had been polite and respectful.

OP is a person with feelings and so saying 'fuck off and find an alternative then' is probably how she feels inside considering she's just been spoken to like shit after doing someone a favour and I don't blame her for that. However the way she's acted and spoken outwardly to the mum has been nothing but polite and respectful.

You seem to be clinging to this 'fuck off' thing as if that's what OP has actually said to the ex when it isn't at all.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 16:57

And people on here seem happy for it to be mum's way or the highway. Funny how that's only acceptable from one party in this whole situation.

I actually don't think that OP should have to give up her daily walk no matter how politely she's asked to be honest, it's good for her, it's good for the kids and she has the authority of a parent, their father, who's house they are staying at. Unfortunately if mum wants to ensure the kids are looked after exactly to her specifications then she needs to do that herself.

Cohle · 28/03/2020 17:03

"It's my way or the highway" would be the case if OP flat out refused to reconsider taking them for a walk no matter how politely the mother asked.

But that's exactly what's happened.

OP is insisting that the walks continue and if the children's mother has concerns about their safety she has to find alternative childcare. Which, given we're in the middle of a pandemic, is a pretty shitty way to hold someone over a barrel.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:05

Here are some of the OPs posts that you've conveniently missed because they don't fit your narrative:

Look I've said before, if she was respectful and polite about it I wouldn't have had a problem

I don't have a problem with her being overprotective at all. And if I'd received a respect polite message asking that I just let her know in future I'd not have a problem

I don't have a problem adjusting the way I do things. But I would like a bit of respect and gratitude in return

offlikeabanger · 28/03/2020 17:07

The walks are for OP's benefit as much as anyone's. Why should she forfeit that on the day so if anyone else? To decide that she won't is perfectly reasonable. That's not holding anyone over anything.

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 17:10

She's not being held over a barrel. OP has absolutely zero, nil, nada, obligation to carry on this arrangement if it's not working for her. You seem to think OP is some sort of 'service' for the mother. She's not.

As I asked above, what would you say if OP said she was getting too behind with her work and couldn't carry on? Would you say she had to quit her job then or care for this woman's kids all day because she'd be leaving her without childcare? Seems OP just has to carry on with this arrangement no matter what in your opinion.

If this was anyone other than a step mother you'd be completely different. If OP had come on and said this about her friends kids that she'd offered to look after there's no way people would be banging on about leaving someone without childcare etc etc...

OP is not the mum's personal child minding service for godsake.

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