Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

[WhatTheFuckityFuck]

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

Ffs, there must be loads of this suit going on!

Shit !

She should be thanking you, not ranting at you OP.

OP I get why you were annoyed but I would leave it.

I am front line NHS and I rant in my car all the way home at the number of effwits wandering around, not observing distances, driving like nutters and claiming building office blocks is frontline business .

By the time I get home I am more enraged than when I am at work in an extremely stressful environment, my neighbour had done something for my DCS - similar to you and my first response was to scream at her - but a few minutes later I calmed down before I opened my mouth!

The adrenaline at work is running so high and the knowing you could soon swap places with a patient in a bed infront of you - is a mind f**k beyond mind fucks.

This once I would give her a break and carry on what you are doing!

I was just going to write something similar to @stuffedpeppers. My SIL is a frontline nurse and when finding out her children's stepmum (who she adores) had taken her kids out for a walk in the local park she too went ballistic.

It was fear, as she had been dealing with it all day at hospital the stress and fear got to her and she vented. At the wrong person.

She has apologised and they are friends again but the SM understood why she did it. She later found out SIL had lost three patients that day (she's in central London).

Their fear is very very real OP. Our fear is from the news so we can to some effect distance ourselves from it; they can not. I don't excuse her bahviour at all, I do understand it if she isn't normally like this.

You've set your boundaries now and hopefully she apologises and the relationship grows from it.

You're doing a great job, I wish my children had a step mum like you.

All the OP has done is to politely point out the rationale behind her actions and ask if the ex would prefer to sort something else out instead if she's not happy.
N'owt wrong with that.

N’owt wrong with that?

She just threatened someone (who has way more understanding of the reality of this than most of us) with withdrawal of childcare because she wants to do things one way and mum another. Someone who is everyday risking her life doing her job. Do you think she really needed that? Does the OP know what that woman faced in her workplace yesterday? What she experienced? And why you are demanding is that she humbles herself and is grateful? And if she is unable to demonstrate right now just how grateful she is she should just fuck off?

By all means be upset, OP but Jesus fucking wept there is a bigger picture here than your hurt feelings.

Yeah obviously OP is doing nothing of value other than looking after this womans kids every single day, doing their school work, feeding them, caring for them, ensuring they are entertained and stimulated all day whilst their parents work, all whilst doing her own job. Let's just forget that.

Being stressed is not an excuse to speak to the person doing all of that ^ off their own back, for free and without complaint, like shit.

No one threatened anyone as far as I can tell. It was a perfectly polite and explanatory message. A boundary was set in a perfectly pleasant and none aggressive way.

It's not a threat to say 'if you're not happy with this then you're welcome to look elsewhere'. It's fact. If mum isn't happy with the care being provided then she is welcome to go elsewhere. I say that to clients at my job if they speak to me like shit, they are welcome to use someone else if they feel they aren't getting the service they want.

Ex needs to take this up with her child's father, he agrees with it, he's okay'd it, he is equally this child's parent and she can discuss it with him not have a rant and rave at the woman who's the only thing stopping her kids from having to go school and be further exposed from her own good will.

StuffedPeppers, the difference is you didn't scream at your neighbour. And if you had, that neighbour would have been well within their rights to not want to do you a favour for your kids again.

If she apologised I'd probably move on. But I certainly wouldn't just lie down and accept it if she didn't. Whoever you are right now is absolutely no excuse to treat someone else like shit especially when that person is the one doing you a massive favour.

She just threatened someone With the withdrawal of childcare

OP has repeatedly stated that she is happy to carry on with the arrangement. And anyway she doesn’t actually owe anyone any childcare at all so if she wanted to withdraw it to focus on her actual paid work then that wouldn’t be wrong either.

because she wants to do things one way and mum another

Bit like all the threads about grandparents offering free childcare then getting grief from parents for too much tv, not enough veg, blah blah blah. They are told not to be entitled and pay up for the standard of childcare they require. OP isn’t an employee. The kids mum has no right to say she’s not allowed to leave her own house for a walk everyday. If the woman doesn’t like OPs routine then she has a right to not take up the free and safe childcare and make other arrangements. That’s not a threat, just a summary of the situation.

She didn't "threaten" anyone. It would appear that the ex, despite her front-line job, has objections to the quality of childcare she has been fortunate enough to secure for free, without hassle. It is entirely reasonable to ask if she would perhaps find it less stressful to find something else more to her liking.

Not every NHS worker is some traumatised foot solider.

My mum is bored out of her skull.
The A&E department by us is dead and they are cleaning just trying to stay awake.

So stop making excuses. She acted like a bitch and she had no right to. Yes. She needs to act grateful. The OP owes this woman nothing.

If the woman doesn’t like OPs routine then she has a right to not take up the free and safe childcare and make other arrangements. That’s not a threat, just a summary of the situation

Exactly.

And why you are demanding is that she humbles herself and is grateful?

And no it really really isn't too much to expect someone to be grateful that you are looking after their children all day, for free, and everything else that entails right now in terms of schooling, working yourself etc...

I'm gobsmacked that someone thinks it is to be honest.

Bit like all the threads about grandparents offering free childcare then getting grief from parents for too much tv, not enough veg, blah blah blah. They are told not to be entitled and pay up for the standard of childcare they require.

Yes, because there's absolutely nothing exceptional about the current circumstances

If the children have to go to school it increases the risk that they, their families and their teachers will be exposed to a potentially life threatening virus. That's a really shitty thing to threaten. There is a bigger picture here.

Yes. This mother better look at the bigger picture. She better be a decent person and show some gratitude or she will risk her children's health.

If the children have to go to school it increases the risk that they, their families and their teachers will be exposed to a potentially life threatening virus

Yes so mum should be very grateful that she has another option that many others would eat their left arm for right now shouldn't she?

If the children have to go to school it increases the risk that they, their families and their teachers will be exposed to a potentially life threatening virus

Just so. A very good reason for the mother to not treat the person preventing this like shit.

OP didn't even mention sending them to school! She just said that ex should discuss alternative arrangements with the DC's dad if she wasn't happy.

Stop saying threaten. OP didn't threaten anyone. She is not threatening to withdraw childcare services, she is not a childcare professional. She is just someone who's offered to help out. She is not responsible for ensuring these children are cared for. That is the job of their parents. She has very kindly offered, she is under no obligation to do so or even carry on doing so if she doesn't wish to and yes she can suggest these parents seek alternative childcare if she feels she's not being respected.

She's not obligated in any way shape or form in this situation! Parents have other childcare options available to them, if they don't like this particular one, they can seek an alternative.

And another thing - there’s thread after thread talking about how hard it has been to juggle WFH with childcare/schoolwork/housework while being stuck at home alone all day and these are actual biological mothers feeling the strain!

And yet somehow what OP is doing is being dismissed by some PPs as seemingly no big deal.

Well yes HillAreas but OP is a step mother so the rules are completely different obviously.

FFS. Yes, withdrawal,of childcare was threatened albeit passive aggressively. What the OP has done is ramped up the frustration and anger rather than calming it down. The situation we are facing as a country goes beyond anything any of us have experienced. Mum is on the frontline of that.m any half decent human being in the OP’s situation would have stepped up as she has done. That’s the right thing to do. The wrong thing to do, whilst we are in the thick of it, is pick passive aggressive arguments and make threats because someone else is more than likely having a bad day and has forgotten themselves for a minute. There is a bigger picture here. People all over the country are stepping up and helping out their vulnerable friends and neighbours and frequently people they don’t know or have no connection to. Not everyone is going to fall over themselves with gratitude - because they are genuinely ungrateful, or scared, Or distressed or just plain old too worried to say the right thing in a given moment. When it’s over and you and yours are well then, and only then, would it be reasonable to expect others to show gratitude for how they may have supported the system and individuals but until then do what you’re doing and ignore what is no more than someone letting off steam in an inappropriate way. We will all do it over the coming months.

@HillAreas

I totally agree with you post above. Mum's WFH find it very challenging, yet there's really no appreciation being shown by the children's mum.

The schools will be closed till September at the earliest...possibly longer. Are you expected to provide free childcare till then?

That's an awful lot to do, when you actually have your own job.

Sorry I completely disagree. If someone is caring for my kids all day then yes I'm going to be grateful. Not just when all this is over, but now. It really isn't comparable to just grabbing some shopping for an elderly neighbour.

Just so. A very good reason for the mother to not treat the person preventing this like shit.

Right. Because the reasonable, measured response to someone taking a tone with you is to threaten the health of their children. That's a totally pleasant way to behave during a pandemic.