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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:
Doingitaloneandproud · 27/03/2020 11:30

You sound like a great step mum, I get she's under stress but you are following guidelines and have done nothing wrong. I think your message is respectful and to the point, if she isn't happy then she needs to look elsewhere on her days

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 27/03/2020 11:31

I think that's a good message. You don't want to get all arsey and on the defensive because that will sound like you think you've done something wrong. But to be honest it's your DH who should be sending it.

You're doing her a massive favour. Either you're good enough to provide her with free childcare or you're not. Either she trusts you or she doesn't. If you weren't looking after them, they'd be in school and way more exposed than they are just popping out for half an hour's fresh air with you once a day.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2020 11:32

She's scared. Cut her some slack.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:32

I'm cutting her a fair bit of slack I feel...

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/03/2020 11:33

Yeah i also think you should have checked. Whilst govenment guidlines allows, it doesnt mean govenment guidlines are right.

By taking them out you are exposing her to a greater level of risk than she it is happy with. You might not know if shes got additional risk factors you dont know about.

You didnt do wrong. But i can see her point

WestWasnt · 27/03/2020 11:35

I think that message is fine, there is no point making things even worse for the kids sake, and like you say she’s bound to be tired and stressed. She is probably feeling guilty as well that she can’t look after them herself. She should be thanking you though!

Honeyroar · 27/03/2020 11:35

If she’s on the frontline and seeing cases she may have more of an idea how bad it is than us general people have and be panicking. Obviously you’re safer if you don’t go out. Is there any way of exercising in the garden or something for now?

Ps, I’m a stepmum too so get where you’re coming from. But while you’re being perfectly reasonable I think you can also justify her being overprotective at the moment.

Windyatthebeach · 27/03/2020 11:35

She needs to cut you some slack too. Stuck in with dc isn't easy either...
Ime...
Sad

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 11:35

Being scared doesn't give you the right to act like a twat to the only person saving your arse.

NorthernSpirit · 27/03/2020 11:36

You sound like a lovely SM.

You don’t need to check in with her (as above poster says). The father is fine with it.

I wouldn’t engage with her. Let the father do it.

If she’s not happy he can tell her to find alternative childcare.

LittleDragonGirl · 27/03/2020 11:38

Regarding saying you should have checked with her first..

You did check with a parent, their father, who has no issue with it, and whom has just as much right to make a decision regarding his children as their mother does.
Your the one looking after them every day, I personally think a short walk away from people midday is many more potential benefits for everyone's sanity, mental and physical health then it does risks, if you are being aware of social distancing and taking proactive measures to reduce risk.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:39

I don't have a problem with her being overprotective at all. And if I'd received a respect polite message asking that I just let her know in future I'd not have a problem.

But what I don't appreciate is getting a huge ranting text when I'm actually doing her a bloody huge favour.

My DH also knew that we were going out on walks. He as their father is also perfectly capable of deciding whether this is okay or not imo.

I don't have a problem adjusting the way I do things. But I would like a bit of respect and gratitude in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:42

I don't have a problem with her being overprotective at all

This is also the reason why I'm reluctant to block her as previously suggested as I don't want her to be unable to check on them in the day.

OP posts:
offlikeabanger · 27/03/2020 11:45

Your message is fine. Although I'd be tempted to add something in about how the exercise and fresh air is for your benefit as much as the DC, and you aren't prepared to sacrifice that on her say so. You WILL be going out. You can take her kids with you, or she can make other arrangements. You wouldn't be sat in on your backside all day if you weren't doing her a favour.

RandomMess · 27/03/2020 11:48

I would actually get your DH to message her with a conciliatory tone and ask her if she would rather you didn't look after them anymore and went to school instead?

SarahInAccounts · 27/03/2020 11:53

It isn't up to her to dictate what happens when they are with their father. If he delegates to you that's fine.

Your text is too polite. Tell her to sort something else out. Cheeky cow.

Cissyandflora · 27/03/2020 11:57

I think it’s very reasonable for their mother to expect you to check with her first. I would be horrified if someone took my children out now. Could she keep the children home with her for the time being? Yes I know you are ‘allowed’ to go out but it’s understandable that mum would be very worried. This is unprecedented.

rookiemere · 27/03/2020 11:57

I think your response is perfect OP. If she has any sense she'll realise that you're being ultra polite on what you're posting, but the message between the lines is not so nice.
I get that she is concerned- but she should have spoken to you politely about it. It's important that DSCs get some fresh air and exercise while this is going on.

WhatHappenedThen · 27/03/2020 12:00

I think you already know the answer... 😊. You know YANBU.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 12:00

@Cissyandflora The Op is married to the children's father. She had his permission. She doesn't need any further clearance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2020 12:04

I would be horrified if someone took my children out now

Then look after them yourself. The minute you ask someone else to do it for you you lose control. Tough shit.

RUOKHon · 27/03/2020 12:08

I think it’s very reasonable for their mother to expect you to check with her first

Why would that be necessary, when the OP is married to the children’s father?

Cissyandflora · 27/03/2020 12:18

Because at the moment we are going through a very frightening time. So I think being respectful to their mother is reasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2020 12:21

And the mum’s life is being made considerably easier by having OP care for the children so she can focus on work. Respect works both ways. If she can’t be nice and respectful she can arrange her own childcare. A walk around the block where the kids don’t see anyone is clearly better than them being in school but if she’s going to be shitty then the arrangement can’t continue.

You’re trying to defend the indefensible.

SarahInAccounts · 27/03/2020 12:21

Their mother being respectful to the OP who is looking after her DCs would be even more respectful. @Cissyandflora