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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:22

The app doesn't get automatic right to make any decisions she wants for another woman's children just because she married their father

No but their father does have parental rights, considering he's a completely equal parent to their mother. And he's fine with it. His ex should take it up with him if she disagrees and find alternative childcare on her days.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 16:22

@inthedarkx well actually the mother has a very clear choice.

Use the OPs free childcare offer and shit the fuck up.

Or Go and find and pay someone that will endanger her children's risk.

That's the control she has. End of.

offlikeabanger · 27/03/2020 16:22

So if the father has made the decision that he wants his kid getting exercise and fresh air and has entrusted his wife to facilitate that, then what? That's his right, surely.

fedup21 · 27/03/2020 16:23

feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving

This. I would no longer provide childcare for them.

The best thing for her to understand this is for her to hear it from her own children.

helpmum2003 · 27/03/2020 16:25

OP you've done nothing wrong, i would do the same as you have done.

Branleuse · 27/03/2020 16:27

while the parents are keyworkers, its worth remembering that those looking after the children of these keyworkers are an absolutely vital part of the whole chain, so she has absolutely no right to speak to you like crap. You are doing just as important a job, and youre also doing it for free

Mrsfrumble · 27/03/2020 16:32

Hazelnutlatte the OP had no idea the children’s mother didn’t want them walking outside (following government guidelines) until she sent her the ranty message. So how could she have been disrespecting boundaries?

Lots of healthcare workers are fine with the exercise guidelines as they are (my hospital consultant DBro sent me some lovely pictures from his run yesterday) so OP couldn’t have known this wouldn’t be the case for her DH’s ex.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2020 16:32

Not only are you doing her a massive favour, but you're also putting yourself significantly more at risk by taking on the children of an NHS worker at this time. So yes, of course she owes you good manners.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 27/03/2020 16:38

I think what you were doing is fine & your message is great.
I wonder if she is just (understandably) stressed and jealous you’re getting time with the kids & a walk especially if your relationship has been good previously.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/03/2020 16:39

She wasn't by walking initially.

She is by saying i will keep walking outside the house or you put the kids back in school. That text was horrible

Its a shitty thing to say to a terrified NHS worker. Putting kids into school when you could keep them home is a shitty thing to do both to the kids and to the kids whose parents have no choice.

CassieAuLait · 27/03/2020 16:43

My DH also knew that we were going out on walks. He as their father is also perfectly capable of deciding whether this is okay or not imo

Yes, he is capable of deciding on what is right and safe for his children, but as a co-parent with his ex they should both have come to an agreed way to keep .themselves safe (as key workers) and keep the children safe, and then clearly communicated that to you.

You should not be in the firing line, and certainly not of anything impolite.

But I do think your DH has eluded his responsibility in not communicating with her direct on the first place.

I would say "there is obviously a difference of opinion between you and DH in how to best keep you all safe within the guidelines. I will wait for the two of you to sort it out and then he can let me know. Obviously the children are at the centre of my concern and I have only ever acted within the guidelines, and will never knowingly put them at risk, best wishes, xxx" (and copy your DH in. He had no business putting you in this position.

Why are childcare arrangements always between women? [ eye roll ]

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:45

Are we reading different things? There was absolutely nothing horrible about the text. It was perfectly polite. Sending a ranting text to the person who's caring for your kids all day is horrible.

Also, you're conveniently ignoring the fact that the father in this whole situation is happy with this and has agreed it's okay. Typical, mum's way or the highway attitude.

The ex should be taking it up with her kids dad considering he agrees with his wife and is their other parent. It's dad's house, it's his rules. Mum doesn't have to like them just as she also doesn't have to use OP to look after her kids.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:53

And it's also perfectly okay for OP to say that unfortunately she still wants to make use of her daily exercise allowance. She doesn't have to sit inside all day if she doesn't want to.

She is not responsible for looking after these kids FFS. She's offered. If mum doesn't like the offer that's on the table then she can look elsewhere.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:55

It's annoying, I have a best friend who's a keyworker and this has been such a stress for her, worrying about sending her child to school because she has no one else. She would bite someone's arm off to have the same opportunity as this woman.

maria2bela · 27/03/2020 16:55

Nope sounds like you've done the Right thing by giving them fresh air in a safe way. You tell her that you believe this is best and being crammed up with kids in a small space all day is not healthy for anyone. I take my 1 year old son on daily walks because fresh air and exercise is important.

If she doesn't like it then tell her to find someone else to look after them.

Original poster

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 17:03

Thing is, I want to incorporate these walks into my day as well. It's for all of our benefit imo. The children enjoy it, I enjoy it. We don't come into contact with anyone else and it gets us some fresh air and exercise. It's not easy being cramped up all day trying to do my own work (I'm not sat about doing nothing all day, I also have a full time job to do), whilst also helping with school work and keeping them entertained.

I've told DH to deal with it anyway. But he's in full agreement that they should be getting out while they can, so I don't know how it'll go.

OP posts:

JustBecauseYouCanBarry · 27/03/2020 17:16

I'm sorry but if she's that concerned about her children catching something that she doesn't want them going on a short rural walk and not coming into contact with anyone else whilst doing so, then she should be suggesting they stay with OP and her ex full time considering she's coming home from a hospital every day and having contact with them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2020 17:17

Hopefully she realises she’s been a dick, apologises for being a dick, asks you nicely to continue caring for her children while she can’t, or decides to send them to school and leaves you to your own work responsibilities but without being a dick. You’re being amazing. Your step children are lucky to have you. Their parents are too but unless they’re both suitably grateful they can arrange childcare for themselves. Continue to follow government guidelines and enjoying some fresh air and exercise.

Original poster

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 17:26

Thanks AnneLovesGilbert

OP posts:

MeridianB · 27/03/2020 17:55

OP, your message to her was spot-on. I hope it all calms down for you (and on this thread) soon. .

SandyY2K · 27/03/2020 18:52

I have to say you're very generous offering full time childcare while you're working yourself.

I don't know how old the kids are, but having to help with their school work suggests they're quite young.

No doubt you're also having to get their meals sorted out on top of your own work and you have no legal parental responsibility for them.

She really should be showing you some gratitude.

I think the message you drafted was very measured.

copycopypaste · 27/03/2020 21:46

I think you're being very generous op. Working full time and looking after the dc.

I also think you're doing the right thing, there's one thing asking someone nicely, but biting the hand that feeds you by having a tantrum because you've done something she doesn't agree with is very short sighted of her.

Anuta77 · 28/03/2020 03:07

I didn't have time to read all the messages, but I think your reply to her is perfect. You're showing that you know what you're doing and you're not letting her bully you.
I wouldn't let DH deal with it if he's a non confrontational type, he just wouldn't put her in her place the way you did and I believe that unless it's mental abuse, we can perfectly deal with these kinds of situations.
Kids need fresh air and to get out of the house, otherwise all of you will go crazy! I take mine outside every day and we live in a town and we do meet people on our way.

Anuta77 · 28/03/2020 03:10

And I forgot to add that if she's stressed, she could ask you nicely and explain why she didn't want you to take them out. That's what I would've done if someone was watching after my kids as a favor.
And you could also give her your view as to why you're taking them out. Personally, I'm going crazy staying inside with 2 kids.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/03/2020 03:20

I just knew the step-mum bashers would turn up sooner or later. They really can’t help themselves can they? 🙄

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