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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 27/03/2020 13:13

OP, don't rise to it. You message is fine, but take away the last bit, it's not necessary at this point. Your OH can tell her to get childcare herself if she fires back.

Also don't see it as just doing her a favour. You are also doing one for your oh. Even if it is in her time, he is probably happy that they are with you rather than at school.

Be the stronger person. She might be seeing things at work that we can't comprehend and is affecting her anxiety. Let it pass. Maybe she will show her thanks one way or the other when this is all over.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 13:14

If those children end up in school it again will be the sole fault of their mother. She has a good thing going. She just has to act like it.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 13:16

I've not said I wont continue doing what I'm doing. All I've said is if she's not happy with it then she'll have to make other arrangements.

I've not said fine then screw you come and pick them up now I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm happy to carry on or she can make alternative arrangements, that's up to her.

OP posts:
Dontunderestimateme · 27/03/2020 13:35

I think your message, and your general approach are perfectly reasonable. She is probably under a lot of stress, hence she is acting unfairly but you don't deserve to bear the brunt of it. Hopefully she will calm down and apologise.

andweallsingalong · 27/03/2020 13:55

I like your message. Very conciliatory, then draws a polite, but firm boundary at the end. I'd probably send it now and then she has some time to consider it before pick up and whilst school is open so she has the option of arranging it for tomorrow if she wants to.

IceKitten · 27/03/2020 14:13

Good message OP. Has she replied?

Ms82 · 27/03/2020 14:48

Good message op, very polite but shows your boundaries. Maybe she's just come off shift and exploded and when calm she will realise she was out of order and apologise. You are doing a nice thing and it's definitely best for the kids but you don't deserve to be treated like rubbish.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/03/2020 14:52

Shes an NHS worker? Im not surprised shes livid. Have you seen whats happened in italy and Spain.

Funnily enough the people having to clear up the mess because people cant stay home are the most fervent about staying home.

Because they know whats on the way.

So you've basically said put the kids in what will become an increasingly risky school arrangement (riskier the more children that have to attend) because you cant be bothered to respect her boundaries?

How is that putting the children's interests at heart? The poor woman, like she isnt in enough stress as it is.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/03/2020 14:56

Thst isnt what she had said

What she said was I'm doing my best following guidelines doing you a favour

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 15:01

@Hazelnutlatteplease that is literally the opposite of what happened.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 15:08

Oh wow. I know people will agree with mother's on here no matter what they do but I've seen it all.

Oh yes, poor woman sending a disrespectful ranting text to the woman who's ensuring her kids are looked after all day, fed, and continue to have an education without having to be at risk by going to school.

Don't be so ridiculous. Being an NHS worker does not mean you don't have to be appreciative of other people doing you a massive favour.

And the problem in Spain and Italy was people not following the government guidance. Which is the exact opposite of what OP is doing considering she's y'know, following the Govt guidance.

People are allowed out of their homes for exercise once a day providing they distance from others. That is the official guidance and that is what plenty of people including OP are following.

The people that are the problem are those meeting up with mates in a packed park, going to the shop 4 times a day, going for a jog with their friends etc... Not people following the rules we've been given.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 15:11

If we're getting into it, they are probably far more at risk of catching something that their mum has brought home from the hospital than going on a walk with their WFH step mother and keeping away from everyone else.

funinthesun19 · 27/03/2020 15:11

If she’s that bothered then she can always make alternative arrangements.

You’re doing both HER and your dh a favour which allows them both to be able to go to work during this difficult time. Blowing up at you for taking her children out for a quiet walk is ridiculous. But like I said, she can always find someone else. Which will be very difficult right now.

funinthesun19 · 27/03/2020 15:18

Throwing your toys out of the pram and threatening to leave a front line NHS worker without childcare in the current circumstances is a bit shitty.

She can give the ex notice in advance. This could go on for a long time, and the op might get to a point where she’s actually had enough of being childcare provider. Both parents need to take that in to account.
And it’s not the op who is throwing her toys out of the pram is it?

offlikeabanger · 27/03/2020 15:30

you cant be bothered to respect her boundaries?

Maybe the ex should have expressed her boundaries and made an informed choice before leaving her kids with OP.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 15:40

And if my DH agrees that they should be out getting some fresh air and exercise whilst they can, who's decision should I respect then? He is their parent just as much.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 27/03/2020 15:40

@dontdisturbmenow either way she’s doing a favour. They aren’t her children and lm sure there are other things she could be doing Hmm

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/03/2020 16:05

The guidelines arent necessarily right.

Respect the one is potentially deciding whether to ventilate you if the shit hits the fan.

Or working in the same hospital as those who are.

That might not be your husband.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 16:12

The mother can't have it both ways.

She is the biggest threat to her children.

If she is still seeing her children in person then she can't say shit.

inthedarkx · 27/03/2020 16:13

Sorry but just because your looking after her and your DHs children whilst she's at work does not mean she has no say in the decisions for her children around a time like this. She has a right to be upset that you took them out without even telling her. I think your DH and his ex should be organising childcare and contact between them both and not involving your TBh

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 16:14

OP does not have to report to her!! She is married to their father. Who actually holds more power than the mother here. Because it's his bloody house.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:16

As always it's respect mum's opinion over dad's 🙄

OPs DH is a keyworker as well isn't he? So you could say the exact same thing about whatever essential service he's providing as well. Respect the person who's providing your food, respect the teacher who's looking after the children of other keyworkers, respect the person who's keeping your utilities up and running, respect the paramedics, respect the police officers etc etc.

And I don't like the idea that we have to accept being spoken to and treated like shit just in case that person (or more likely someone of the same profession) may have to save your life later down the line.

inthedarkx · 27/03/2020 16:16

@bloomingwonderful just because she's married to their father does not mean the mothers feelings and rights just don't matter anymore. The app doesn't get automatic right to make any decisions she wants for another woman's children just because she married their father

IronShame · 27/03/2020 16:20

I think your DH and his ex should be organising childcare and contact between them both and not involving your TBh

Yeah which they are welcome to do, unfortunately for them that means sending their kids to school which would be a hell of a lot worse than a walk down a rural road practicing self distancing measures with their SM.

As OP has said, they are free to do that if they wish.

It's also not nothing to do with OP either if she's the one caring for these children all day. The parents here obviously decided OP was good enough to look after their children. If she's now not, they can use alternatives.

Devlesko · 27/03/2020 16:20

I'd be telling her they aren't your kids so her and dh can sort childcare.
They are both asking a lot of you tbh.
it's nice to help if you can/offer, but the kids are not your responsibility. They have 2 parents already.
No way would I continue to provide care after this.