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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

231 replies

WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 11:00

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 27/03/2020 12:21

Is their father not as capable of making decisions about their welfare then?

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 12:21

And that only goes one way?
If the OP is doing such a massive selfless favour to her then she doesn't get to control what happens. OP followed guidelines. She kept them safe and she had clearance from their father. If she wants absolute control her options are

  1. Take unpaid dependency leave.
  2. Find alternative childcare.
Beamur · 27/03/2020 12:26

YANBU but if Mum is frontline care, she is tired, stressed and scared.
On this occasion, bite your tongue, rise above it and take it on the chin.
Continue looking after the kids but stick to her rules while this is happening.

NymphadoraBonks · 27/03/2020 12:33

I’d shorten the text.

“I am following the rules as defined by the government. If that is not agreeable to you then you need to come up with an alternative arrangement re:childcare. Please let me know ASAP what you decide”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2020 12:34

Continue looking after the kids but stick to her rules while this is happening.

What of their father’s rules? They’re in his home under the care of someone he deems responsible. It’s nothing to do with her.

Cohle · 27/03/2020 12:37

She's terrified for her kids safety.

Throwing your toys out of the pram and threatening to leave a front line NHS worker without childcare in the current circumstances is a bit shitty.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 12:38

Continue looking after the kids but stick to her rules while this is happening

We really are just here for other people's convenience aren't we!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 12:38

Throwing your toys out of the pram and threatening to leave a front line NHS worker without childcare

I've done nothing of the sort...

OP posts:
IronShame · 27/03/2020 12:42

leave a front line NHS worker without childcare

She wouldn't be without childcare. She can send her children to school like plenty of other keyworkers are having to when they aren't fortunate to have such a kind offer of an alternative!

Do you think it's easy? Working from home and looking after kids (that aren't yours as well to top it off) whilst doing all their school work and trying to keep them entertained for no thanks. I highly doubt this is a big walk in the park for OP either. She isn't just there to provide free childcare, she has very kindly offered but there are alternatives if mum doesn't like it.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 12:43

And again. It's fine for a frontline worker to ruin her own childcare with her own attitude.

If OP decides to bow out she'd have no one to blame but herself.

Let's not get into the mindset that all front line workers are angels sent from God who can do no wrong.

She sent someone doing her a massive favour a shitty rant and had no right to make the demands that she did.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2020 12:43

Of ffs, some of these replies. The majority agree with you, ignore the raging idiots OP. I’m just surprised not all of the usual suspects have appeared yet to stick the boot in.

Lots of people are key workers. Lots of them have children. Not all of them have a responsible, capable, flexible, kind person to step up and look after their children making life easier. This one does. She should be grateful.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 12:48

OP could decide tomorrow that this arrangement isn't working for her or she needs to concentrate on her own job a bit more now so unfortunately can't continue and no one would (or should) be able to say anything. She is not a bloody nursery, she has made an offer of help. No more no less. If you're not appreciative of help then you don't deserve it no matter who you are.

Cohle · 27/03/2020 12:50

I've done nothing of the sort...

Confused

So when you said, "Yes I'm trying to say 'fuck off and find something else then' but between the lines instead of outright.." that wasn't threatening to leave a front line NHS worker without childcare?

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 12:52

@Cohle why do you think her being a NHS worker allows her to treat Op like shit?

If OP was a paid childminder she wouldn't be allowed to talk to her like this.

If somebody was stressed would you be happy for them to go into a hospital and treat the staff like shit?

tiredanddangerous · 27/03/2020 12:52

She wouldn’t be without childcare. Her children can go to school Confused

IronShame · 27/03/2020 12:52

that wasn't threatening to leave a front line NHS worker without childcare?

OP is not childcare. She is not a school, she is not a nursery, she is not a childminder. She is a person who has offered to help and is not getting appreciation in return.

If mum doesn't like it she is fortunate that there are alternatives available to her as a keyworker. Her children can go to school, nursery etc... Like plenty of others are having to do.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 12:55

If a friend offered to look after my kids and then said later down the line 'sorry this isn't working for me' I couldn't say they are leaving me without childcare. They aren't a provider of childcare, they are a person who's offered to help me out. There are professional childcare facilities that I can send my kids to if I want guaranteed continuous care and that's my responsibility not anyone elses.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 12:57

If OP is now an official form of childcare, you won't mind if she sends an invoice out for it will you?

Cohle · 27/03/2020 12:58

No of course the OP isn't obliged to provide childcare. But given the current situation I think it would be pretty shitty to withdraw it out of spite.

Kids of key workers are only to attend school if they cannot be cared for at home. Clearly they can here.

And no, I don't think being an NHS worker should allow people a free pass (in fact I said just that on another thread about accommodation). But I do think many NHS workers are understandably under a great deal of strain and very concerned about their children's safety.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckityFuck · 27/03/2020 13:01

Look I've said before, if she was respectful and polite about it I wouldn't have had a problem.

She may be an NHS worker but I'm also a person and I don't deserve to be spoken to like shit. All I've said is if she doesn't like the way I'm looking after the children, she's welcome to make other arrangements.

As pp said, I'm not a childcare service. She has those available to her. I offered to help because I thought that's the way she'd prefer it. If that's no longer the case then she is welcome to look elsewhere.

OP posts:
offlikeabanger · 27/03/2020 13:04

Make up your mind @Cohle

Are they at home, or are they not? If you're saying they're at home, then the father in that home is perfectly capable of deciding whats right and safe for them.

If they're not at home, they can go to school.

IronShame · 27/03/2020 13:05

Kids of key workers are only to attend school if they cannot be cared for at home. Clearly they can here

If they can't be cared for by their parents yes. Step parents are not obliged to fill that gap.

OP is not responsible for looking after her stepkids so their parents can go to work. It's a lovely offer but that's all it is (I think it's great) but clearly if that offer wasn't there then neither parent would be able to do the same and as such, their children could go to school.

EL8888 · 27/03/2020 13:09

Yeah she’s tired, stressed and under pressure but you can’t go around talking to people like their crap. Especially when you are doing her a favour. I don’t think you’re unreasonable about the walk especially if you live rurally

Cohle · 27/03/2020 13:10

If you're saying they're at home, then the father in that home is perfectly capable of deciding whats right and safe for them.

But I've never disagreed with that.

What I think is unreasonable is responding by threatening to withdraw childcare in the current circumstances. The mother may have been unreasonable herself,
but she's a difficult situation and scared for her children's safety.

Now of all times we need people to do the decent thing. Not flounce off and insist children go to schools unnecessarily, exposing them, their teachers and their families to the risk of infection.

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 13:13

It wasn't a threat.
It was a boundary.

If you treat me like shit again I will no longer do this massive favour for you.

It's very very simple. The mother needs to learn how to behave like a decent person.