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Original poster

Ex not spending maintenance on kids

241 replies

Mrskeats · 28/11/2019 17:41

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 29/11/2019 12:39

He can't just stop paying spousal maintenance! There has to be some discussion. Even if he wants to, he has to give ex time to work out how she'll make up the short fall.

And paying CMS minimum isn't anything to be proud of. It's not enough to live on. like it or not, it's a 2 way discussion. Even if it involves her sharing all of her fixed costs and them working out a way forward.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 12:44

anna legally he can, if its not court ordered.

you cant categorically say CMS minimum isn't enough to live on when it is a different amount for literally every single receiving parent. Hmm

AnnaNimmity · 29/11/2019 13:05

I can state it! What I might have meant is that in the vast majority of cases the legally set out formula which many many people follow in good faith, isn't enough to support a family comfortably.

I think many of the issues rest with the CMS and the govt rather than the parents here by the way. (and of course the welfare state, but that's a whole different question)

And I don't doubt that legally he can just stop paying spousal maintenance, but that wouldn't work if e.g. you were relying on that to pay your bills or your food. You'd need some warning to find an alternative source of income or to reduce your outgoings. I certainly would. Even if you said to the ex - I'm not paying spousal maintenance form 1 April 2020 - that would be different.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:10

anna but saying that is stupid - saying that the minimum isn't enough to live on makes no sense because the minimum for one family might be £7 a week, for a high earner it might be the maximum payment which is around 1275pm.

saying £7 a week isn't enough to live on, fine. Saying £1275pcm isn't enough to live on? bullshit.

and frankly, how the ex is going to pay her bills isn't his concern, its hers. You could be nice and give some warning but he would have no legal obligation to.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:11

and cms shouldn't be supporting a "family" it should be contributing to the support of the children only.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 29/11/2019 13:19

All I was trying to say was that ballpark 2800 a month with no housing costs is not 'poor'
My dh dislikes the idea that he's supporting his kids and ex wife and gets this reaction.
He did a calculation and has worked out that he has paid around 80k net in the last 4.5 years-and she had all the house equity 150k
But this is not enough

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:21

and frankly, how the ex is going to pay her bills isn't his concern, its hers.

When her bills are paying for his child’s food, electric, heating, water, clothes, transport? How Is that not his concern?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:22

@mrskeats

why doesn't he do something about it then?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:22

iwork that's what the child maintenance is for and at £800 a month, the child isn't going to starve or freeze now are they?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 29/11/2019 13:23

It is our concern if DSD's needs are not being met and if money provided is not being put towards her upkeep
I

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 29/11/2019 13:24

He's writing an email
If he phones he just gets the whole 'poor me' routine

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:24

OP all this discussion of how not pro she is and how much he has paid out is just you avoiding the issue. The issue is whether the DD is actually being honest and her mum doesn’t have any spare money to give her or whether the DD is trying it on with her dad. Your husband needs to speak with his ex. He is wrong to just cut maintenance without doing so.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:25

@mrskeats

why doesn't he go see a solicitor? she might take it a bit more seriously then.
is she expecting him to support her for the rest of his life?

Besidesthepoint · 29/11/2019 13:25

Which needs are not being met? Is she not clothed, not sheltered and hungry? Because those are her needs.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:26

Xpost OP.

that's what the child maintenance is for and at £800 a month, the child isn't going to starve or freeze now are they?

We were discussing CM being cut. And how it affects the bills being paid in the RP household.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 29/11/2019 13:26

yes Iwork
Email being composed. DH is fed up of being made to feel he is not doing his bit when he has never, ever missed a payment and pays over the odds for other things too

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 29/11/2019 13:28

Yes she expects support for the rest of her life.
DH's family also have a big issue with her-they feel she totally plays/played him and have cut all contact.
There is no need for any of this. I don't have all this palaver with my ex-h

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:32

What was time frame agreed for spousal maintenance to stop? Normally it’s only until youngest DC is 18 so should stop soon?

Stegosaurus1990 · 29/11/2019 13:33

Ring CMS and go through them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:34

cheesecake even if its cut to CMS level, she will still be able to pay her bills.

Why do you think ops husband should support this woman for the rest of her life?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:42

even if its cut to CMS level, she will still be able to pay her bills.

Yep. Your comment said her bills were not his concern- I asked you how they weren’t as they feed and clothe his child. Any response? Are they still not his concern?

Why do you think ops husband should support this woman for the rest of her life?

Grin show me any post where I’ve said anything close to this? Just because I think the man should give her warning before cutting Maintenace (pretty much what I’ve said in every post) doesn’t mean I think he has to support her for life. You’re being very silly.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:45

iwork

if he reduces to CMS level, he will be paying her over £600 a month. Add her contribution to that and its £1200 a month. It doesn't cost over a grand a month for feed and clothe his child.

He gives her the money, she uses it (or should be using it) to feed and clothe her child. Whether she does or not is up to her, but his concern is that HE pays the money for his child, which he is doing.

I don't think I am the one being "very silly" here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:46

her "bills" as in her mortgage and her gas and electric etc aren't his concern, you're right. She would be paying them regardless.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 13:51

Ok. You don’t get it. I’m not going to waste any more time.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/11/2019 13:52

how do I not get it? what do you think his child maintenance should be paying for? Confused

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