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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:05

@HeckyPeck

There is likely far more to the situation than him not being bothered but if you're consumed with resentment and bitterness that a man can't be yours alone, you'll twist a story to fit your narrative.

MarthasGinYard · 24/10/2019 09:11

'Daughter comes first' I would find extremely rude and patronising especially as it's clear she doesn't.

Also the 'daughter would love a garden'

I'm sure she would in a home you pay for.

I never dated men with dc as couldn't bare all this.

I'd call it a day Op TBH

MrsEricBana · 24/10/2019 09:30

Obviously his daughter must come first but I wouldn't appreciate being told that at the end of every rebuttal either. It's like he's playing the ultimate trump card.
The bottom line is this relationship is not for you.

57Varieties · 24/10/2019 09:33

I’d dump him as well. His daughter is clearly his priority and rightfully so but he doesn’t sound much of a catch besides that. Sounds like all he’s trying to go is get his feet under your table.

FantasticButtocks · 24/10/2019 09:36

The next time he puts that phrase in a text - 'my dd comes first' - I'd text him - 'Will you STOP saying your daughter comes first! Your living arrangements for the past five years indicate that this really is not the case.'

But actually, I think you are right to end this now.

HypatiaCade · 24/10/2019 09:46

Eh? His daughter's NEEDS come first, but some of the WANTS, need to take a line in the queue, along with your wants. Someone who can't distinguish between needs and wants is a poor excuse for a parent, because they have no idea what needs prioritising.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/10/2019 10:50

Well if his daughter always comes first what is he doing trying to have a relationship....he has no space in his life for it and you don't deserve to be constantly told how unimportant you are to him...dump him he doesn't respect you enough to make arrangements and stick to them.

Youseethethingis · 24/10/2019 11:18

@ChilledBee
That’s a one off. OP is being faced with this all the time because “child comes first” when actually it’s his ex he is facilitating. Why shouldn’t she plan ahead so that everyone knows where they are and can make their own plans? All this business of routinely snapping your fingers and expecting everyone else to drop everything and fall in line because you feel like it is entitled and unhealthy.

swingofthings · 24/10/2019 11:38

Either he is one of those parents who every thought and breath they take is about their child and everything they do is in regards to them.

Or he is not that into you, and take the best you have to offer but he isn't that much in love with you.

Either way, it isnt prosperous to a satisfying long term relationship.

SureTry · 24/10/2019 11:54

Have you discussed him moving in with you? Otherwise it's a bit presumptuous of him to start talking about his daughter wanting to have a garden. End it, otherwise he'll move in by stealth and before you know it your spare bedroom will be kitted out for his daughter.

madcatladyforever · 24/10/2019 15:48

His daughter should come first but I fear you will come to resent this and all your cancelled plans while he and his daughter enjoy your lovely home.
I have an adult DS myself but I could not tolerate this very one sided situation at all.

Geppili · 24/10/2019 16:58

What hints did he drop about moving in? Does he have a job?

HeckyPeck · 24/10/2019 17:07

There is likely far more to the situation than him not being bothered but if you're consumed with resentment and bitterness that a man can't be yours alone, you'll twist a story to fit your narrative.

You do make me laugh. OP says he’s working and I very much doubt that he has no options other than to live somewhere he can’t have his DD and that in 5 years he hasn’t been able to do anything.

I’m not bitter or resentful at all. My DH makes time to be a great father and a great husband & certainly wouldn’t have pulled this kind of crap.

Magicmama92 · 24/10/2019 18:26

I dont understand why are are with him. From your comments you dont seem to like him at all. Of course his daughter come first maybe you should try talk to him but hes always going to out her first as it should be.

Tigger001 · 24/10/2019 22:41

He probably wont care or even see it as hes "facilitating" his ex, he will see it as bloody great I get an extra night with my daughter and a grown up woman should understand that or end it.

Why be so angry at the ex, sounds pretty and jealous.

Tigger001 · 24/10/2019 22:42

Petty not pretty, sorry

OooErMissus · 25/10/2019 00:34

but hes always going to out her first as it should be.

What are you talking about?

He can't even have her to stay the night?! How is he 'always putting her first'?

WombleCock · 25/10/2019 07:14

This old chestnut. I’m a parent to 2 DCs and I’ve never once uttered the words “my kids always come first”, do you know why? Because I’m not a twat.
Anyone who feels the need to say it is because they know that’s not actually true. If it were there be no need to verbalise it’s as it is naturally assumed.

My ex used to throw it out there when he wanted to cancel or change plans at the drop of a hat because his ex would change her plans. He’d say “but my kids come first”. No they don’t love, your ex’s demands clearly do.

We split up because I’d had enough of him dropping everything to pick up ex’s slack, and by slack I mean it e.g. refusing to collect the kids from wherever they were on her days so they’d ring crying saying they were stranded at a friend’s house.
The straw that broke the camels back was when for the 3rd year running she booked a 2 week holiday up Goa with her bf and only sorted childcare for one week, meaning yet again my ExDP had to book annual leave to look after the kids at short notice because she’d forced his hand. She literally rang us on the 2nd week of her holiday to say “Oh by the way, you can’t drop them home on Monday because I still won’t be there so you’ll have to look after them until I’m back”.
I was fucking furious but instead of challenging her on this he said “Well I’ve got to take this time off now, my kids come first”.

Not to me they don’t and neither did his ex.

HeckyPeck · 25/10/2019 09:37

He probably wont care or even see it as hes "facilitating" his ex, he will see it as bloody great I get an extra night with my daughter and a grown up woman should understand that or end it.

He doesn’t have any nights with her because he doesn’t have a room for her where he lives. And has done for 5 years without doing anything to find a place he can have his daughter. Apart from latch on to OP and hope she’ll provide him a house an a garden for his daughter.

Anyone who frequently cancels dates and plans, including weekends away that presumably had cost attached, for non emergencies is not a keeper.

A grown up woman doesn’t let a partner walk all over her and take the piss out of her.

OP isn’t a meal ticket & her partner certainly isn’t some prize catch!

HeckyPeck · 25/10/2019 09:42

I was fucking furious but instead of challenging her on this he said “Well I’ve got to take this time off now, my kids come first”.

What a dick. I’m glad he’s your ex! My husband has never said that, nor (as far as I’m aware anyway) did my mum/dad to my step parents.

Kids don’t always come first. Kids needs mostly do, but not always. There are priorities within needs too. If a kid needs new shoes, but the adult would have to not eat for a week to buy them, then the adult’s need for food would have to be prioritised.

Kids always come first can create very self-centred people.

penisbeakers · 25/10/2019 09:47

It's not going to work, he has to put her first, and your time is valuable too so you're clearly not compatible. He can't commit to you properly because of his responsibilities so call it off. It's not fair to either one of you.

georgia19ox · 25/10/2019 10:02

im starting to think that mum net is a place where bitchy women gang up on each other to make themselves feel like they have he prefect life and well behaved children- and im sick of it!
I think the situation you're in is a hard one from reading your comments i do feel like you know what is best for you- just keep in mind your own happiness and that is what you should stick to.
Finding someone knew may be the answer and have all them weekends away which you are wanting or a simple adult conversation between you both to see if you can get on the same page may result in a healthier and happier relationship - hope you find your answer soon xx

sheshootssheimplores · 25/10/2019 10:05

His daughter will always come first regardless of her age. Which naturally puts you at least second. You have to decide if that’s a problem to you and if it is then walk away at this early stage. It will not change.

Magda72 · 25/10/2019 11:21

I'm just furious here reading this thread. WHY do people think children should always come first???? Ffs - when did we decide to create a society where adults are basically held to ransom by children??? They're CHILDREN & as such our role as parents is to guide them through to adulthood & hopefully turn out kind, reasonable, mature, independent people.
I fail to see how telling any child they are the centre of the universe, to the detriment of adult relationships, turns out empathetic people! Honestly we are creating the least emotionally resilient generation ever!!
Life is hard & we don't always get what we want as we move through it, & placing children on pedestals & never letting them deal with disappointment or rejection is doing them & society in general a massive disservice.
In a serous relationship be it nuclear or other, childrens' & exes' wants should not come first. Children learn about relationships by experience, & children watching a relationship where the adults (within reason) put the relationship first actually teaches children how to treat people respectfully and equally as they grow up.

Breaking a previously agreed to meeting with anyone - friend, partner, family member - unless it's an emergency is downright rude!
Would I cancel a coffee date with a pal if my child was sick? Yes of course. Would I cancel same just because my ex tried to renege on contact? No!
Seriously this whole children have to come first all the time - physically, emotionally & financially - is just ridiculous & doing so runs a serious risk of creating a monster! Good luck with all those future adult children who are still expecting parenting well into their 30's & 40's!

aSofaNearYou · 25/10/2019 11:34

As ever I couldn't agree more Magda72