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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2019 16:38

I agree with Theredjellybean, him putting his daughter first is not the problem but this is a subtely rude and dismissive way of phrasing it to you and I would be very put off if this was how he explained cancelling plans. It puts you down as if you are trying to demand he doesn't put her first, and absolves him of any guilt for messing you around and being disorganised which he SHOULD feel bad for.

It doesn't sound like you like him very much, I would end it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/10/2019 16:38

Putting his daughter first I would be fine with if his x is disorganized and he wants some consistency for his daughter that's no problem. However, wanting to move in because his daughter would like a garden would put me right off a man.

Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:40

In terms of not having respect for him - I wouldn’t live in a weed smoking house at 43 (I’m not a student, neither is he), I’ve worked hard to get a mortgage and pay for it. I’m not unusual in those ideas.

My concern would be letting him move in with me and becoming a 2nd class citizen in my own home. That’s why I’m struggling to see a future for us.

OP posts:
Tyersal · 23/10/2019 16:40

Sorry but nothing of what you have described sounds attractive to me. As said above that's not him putting his daughter first its putting his ex first. The lack of organisation and routine would bug me.

His comments about moving in so his daughter can enjoy your garden would be huge red flags for me too, so cheeky

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 16:41

In his 40s, sharing a house with 'weed smokers', wants to move in with you because his DD would like a garden?

Yes his DD comes first.
To him, not you.

Do you want to be part of this? Do you want to be the person providing a second home for him & his DD?
Think about what you want first.

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 16:43

My concern would be letting him move in with me and becoming a 2nd class citizen in my own home. That’s why I’m struggling to see a future for us.

This! Trust your instincts. Sounds like a terrible idea to me.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2019 16:44

He sees your relationship more long term than you by the sound of it. He comes and goes now, and he's pre warning you that when he moves in with you, he'll still not take your feelings into consideration. I'm sure his daughter would love a garden. Unfortunately for him, it's not your job to provide one.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 23/10/2019 16:44

You don't speak particularly highly of him or his living situation, so for that reason, end it. The daughter situation is another issue to you.

Unless he's had to cancel because his ex is being flaky, I think YABU to be so affronted by him stepping up to be a father, frankly. You knew the drill when you got with him, he had a daughter. I personally would find it hideously unattractive if my ex couldn't step up when I needed him (childcare, one off night out, illness).

mummyway · 23/10/2019 16:46

Please do end it. Whilst his daughter does matter, he is showing no consideration for you. My husband and I have 2 children and we still try to make time for each other. Having a child is not a free pass for in consideration towards a partner.

Windydaysuponus · 23/10/2019 16:49

Beware his ex is using him a babysitter.
And you are the potential house keeper...
Having his dc 50 /50 is fine. Being his exes puppet isn't...
You are right in thinking if he was so fab he would have his own flat...
Walk away op.
Being second to his dd is fine.
Third after ex isn't.

Qu1tter · 23/10/2019 16:50

Nah. Walk away.

Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:51

If it was the odd night out or illness, I would understand but it isn’t, it’s been constant. I think he puts “my daughter comes first” to stop me arguing about it. If he said “it’s a last minute game if footie and the lads come first” he knows I would be right to tell him off. By saying it’s because his daughter comes first, it’s like he is guilting me in to not saying anything.

I think it is a combination of a flaky ex - he was single for years so never really made any plans. I think she is just used to being able to chop and change contact time and he is scared of her reducing the contact time.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 23/10/2019 16:51

I would end it.

Whilst his daughter should be a priority, most parents are perfectly capable of balancing that with the needs of a healthily reciprocal relationship.

On the limited information you have provided I would question whether he is with you because he wants to be or because you can provide his daughter with a house, a garden and financial stability. Some stepparents want to do that and are happy to do so but that’s when it’s because it’s a good relationship all round and everyone is happy.

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 16:53

You knew the drill when you got with him, he had a daughter. I personally would find it hideously unattractive if my ex couldn't step up when I needed him (childcare, one off night out, illness).

The OP hasn't criticised her DP for being with his child. She didn't sign up for the uncertainty of their relationship (making/cancelling arrangements and not knowing what his motives are re. moving in with HER)
Her dilemma is whether or not she wants the relationship to continue.
Nothing wrong with that.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 23/10/2019 16:55

It's not really a matter of whether he's right or wrong to put his daughter before you, he does and you don't like it. So don't waste any more time on this relationship. Simple.

Tyersal · 23/10/2019 16:56

Do you like him and want to be with him apart from this? If so sit down have a chat with him about boundaries and seeing up regular contact that is stuck to. His reaction to that suggestion will tell you a lot

30to50FeralHogs · 23/10/2019 16:57

the fact that he needs to tell you this on a regular basis is perhaps an indication that he knows he's being unreasonable and is daring you to tell him so and be the wicked step mother.

Agree with this. I have also been told that DP's kids need him and that they will always come first. I am not a wicked SM and I do understand that kids' needs trump adults' needs. HOWEVER, ex's needs shouldn't trump current GF's needs and that is the line that needs to be drawn. I totally understand when my DP's DCs need him around, but that doesn't excuse an ex who can't be bothered to plan ahead an organise childcare when DP and I already have plans.

I'd cut your losses with this one - the garden comment alone shows how he will always put his DD above your relationship - he should be wanting to move in so that you two can build a life together, not so that he can give his DD the life he can't give her on his own.

foodname · 23/10/2019 16:58

"My concern would be letting him move in with me and becoming a 2nd class citizen in my own home. That’s why I’m struggling to see a future for us."

I get this, I really do. I know it cuts down on the dating pool but it's absolutely fine to admit that's not the life you want, it's a shame more people don't because there are some god awful step parents out there. I wouldn't want it either OP, the whole blended family stuff sends shivers down my spine, sounds a bloody nightmare. You generally don't sound all that keen on him for a few reasons anyway, I think it's time to cut your losses.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 16:58

Unless he's had to cancel because his ex is being flaky, I think YABU to be so affronted by him stepping up to be a father, frankly.
But she is totally being flaky. WHat else would you call constant last minute plans that need her ex’s help? Ex’s plans come first in this relationship not his daughter. She is priority 2- having enabled ex’s plans he is of course looking after his daughter. Op comes after that. Op next time he says my daughter comes first reply well actually your ex and her sudden plans are what you are prioritising here.

DoctorAllcome · 23/10/2019 17:00

Geez OP, if he’s that much of a loser why are you with him?

  • 43 in shared house, no savings, in debt
  • smokes weed
  • his ex is disorganized (indicating bad taste in women?)

Break up with him for his shortcomings, don’t make the one good thing about him- his putting his daughter first the scapegoat. It’s speaks volume about you that you even consider driving a wedge between a father and his child by using the child as an excuse to break up. You’d be gas lighting him into thinking he has to be a neglectful father to have a girlfriend. When really, he needs to get the rest of his life together and stop getting stoned.

Strangerthingshere · 23/10/2019 17:02

You don't seem very happy with him regardless of this issue to be honest, you haven't said anything good about him?

Drum2018 · 23/10/2019 17:02

In terms of not having respect for him - I wouldn’t live in a weed smoking house at 43 (I’m not a student, neither is he), I’ve worked hard to get a mortgage and pay for it. I’m not unusual in those ideas

My concern would be letting him move in with me and becoming a 2nd class citizen in my own home. That’s why I’m struggling to see a future for us

He has no incentive to move out of that house as he now assumes he will move in with you, move his dd in on his access nights and any other nights her mother decides she wants a break. You'd be a fool to ask him to move in. TBH I'd end it now as he really doesn't sound like much of a catch, being in debt, having a flaky ex on the scene etc. Make the break now before you get the house.

Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:02

@AllFourOfThem

This is my concern - does he just see me as a financial lifeline. Once I get my house, he will have a safe place to take his daughter and perhaps have her stay over - which he can’t currently do.

I think I am starting to pick holes in the relationship. Obviously I knew he had a daughter and was happy to see him around contact time - I wasn’t prepared for all the last minute cancellations and constantly being informed I come 2nd. It isn’t nice to hear this every week.

I can’t reconcile the fact that he lives somewhere that isn’t safe to take his daughter with the fact that he is considered to be a responsible parent.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 23/10/2019 17:04

and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message.

This would irritate the hell out of me if he put this at the end of every message. No need to keep ramming it down your throat. Hmm

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 23/10/2019 17:04

I'm disgusted you just smiled at what sprinkledash wrote and even more disgusted that she felt saying she'd rather date Hitler than a man with a child was an okay thing to say, honestly wtf?

As for you OP, when people defended your current boyfriend you immediately could not handle it and began listing things about him so that they think otherwise. Why are you with him, exactly? Daughter or not, those other issues would still remain and I imagine if his daughter was not in the picture you would not have such a problem.

Do them both a favour and end the relationship. Hopefully he has the sense to beforehand.