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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:
QueenAnneBoleyn · 23/10/2019 18:29

I would end it.
Yes his daughter should come first but he should also appreciate that you have feelings and will be disappointed at cancelled dates / weekends away.
For him to then start dropping hints about moving in to your new home and how his daughter will love having a garden......Hmm
Don’t be used by him.

dottiedodah · 23/10/2019 18:34

I think to let him go TBH. He is obviously keen to move in with you and gain home /garden by the sounds of it! Obviously his daughter is very important to him ,but by putting her first all the time its making you unhappy .Explain to him that you love him but its not really working out for you .

Chewingbubblegum · 23/10/2019 18:35

Mam says he puts his daughter first and some people here say he is actually lying and doing something else and that the way he says he is putting his daughter first is all wrong.

Sometimes I despair...

Lllot5 · 23/10/2019 18:43

If you don’t like him stop going out with him. Am I missing something?

BrendasUmbrella · 23/10/2019 18:48

End it, it's not going to get any better.

Being a good father is great, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he will be a great partner. Is there no formal weekend contact in place? Perhaps he could sort that out, but it's possible if you let him move in with you that you could be facing 20+ years of "my daughter comes first". You sound resentful already, end it and move on.

Cloudsandrainbows · 23/10/2019 19:19

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'd say dump him. Sounds like by saying 'my daughter comes first' he is justifying himself, when really sounds like the ex comes first....I assume the mother is the main carer and he is paying maintenance? If so seems as though she has a good deal going with him running around being a free childcare service for her. Of course he would want to see his daughter, but seems as though he is being abused by his ex somewhat, and in turn he's abusing your good nature, and sees you as a meal ticket. I would not trust he has genuine feelings for you, or he would consider how you feel every time he lets you down, and why can't he have his daughter and see you? Especially if he's talking about moving in together....by which he means him moving in with you and using you to supply a house for him and his daughter.
Just one final thing, does he know your infertile? If so would he not think that you may enjoy the opportunity to be part of his child's life? Yet he seems to not consider you would be in the role of a step parent if he was to move in with you, therefore should he not be encouraging some kind of relationship with you and his daughter, and also showing his daughter that he loves you and you are to be respected as a step parent

MidnightMystery · 23/10/2019 19:25

He just wants a garden for his daughter!

Leave this man, it's not going to work out.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 23/10/2019 19:48

I don’t think it’s uncommon for men to end up in shared accommodation following a split (when kids are involved) I’ve read it multiple times on here. I also think it’s good that he does step in for his DD but he is being messed around by his EX- I would suggest that his EX is still treating him as a ‘partner’ rather than a co-parent.

When I was dating (didn’t have children) I ruled out any men who did! I was frequently told how ‘judgmental’ this was by friends - but I didn’t want to be a step parent - I didn’t want to always come second and I certainly didn’t want to deal with another womans opinions on my home life/free time/behaviour (and this would happen to some extent)!

I think it made A LOT more sense to just not date men with children, you should consider the same! (Or men with grown up children 18+)

Longlongsummer · 23/10/2019 19:52

What you mean
‘His Ex and her last minute changes and life must come first’

He isn’t clear what is happening here. I’d work on that. Keep pointing out that you are fine with his daughter coming first. However it’s not his daughter who is chopping and changing. Most likely his daughter does not like the changes and tell him that too.

Drip drip drip.

He will start to see hopefully.

tigger001 · 23/10/2019 20:02

You need to end it, you don't sound like you respect him, or really even like him.

Yes, his child should come first. Do everyone a favour and finish with him,

Frankola · 23/10/2019 20:13

This issue you have here isn't his child. It's his ex, who seems like a piss taker.

However, if hes always behaved this way she wont like changing her behaviour. Which would make it a pretty rough ride for you when he first gets a backbone.

Children should absolutely come first. But not the ex still.

Youseethethingis · 23/10/2019 20:26

My DH has an 8 year old daughter and we have been together for 5 years. Right at the start we discussed how things would be balanced out. I said if ex is ill, hospitalised or in any sort of crisis, I would fully expect dates to be cancelled in order for him to get his child. If ex just fancied a night out and he was free, not my business. If ex just fancied a night out and we had plans and I got ditched, that would be the end of us as I expected him to say “sorry, I have plans already”. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man at the beck and call of his ex, no way.
As for the house, it’s nice he’s got it all planned out etc however I think he sees you as a meal ticket, OP, not a person with feelings and desires of your own.
Not seeing how this relationship benefits you at all. It’s a one way highway to hell.

Wattagoose90 · 23/10/2019 20:32

It sounds as if you've already made up your mind if I'm honest, and maybe just need reassurance that ending it is justified?

If you're still into the relationship, I'd be inclined to have an upfront conversation about his motives and his feelings towards you. Maybe he can put your worries to rest. If you're not feeling it, cut your losses before he starts promising his daughter a garden to play in...

Ginger1982 · 23/10/2019 20:35

What attracted you to him in the first place??

helpmum2003 · 23/10/2019 20:36

End it.

carly2803 · 23/10/2019 20:37

you will see him more when he can have hia daugher in your garden, in your house etc

i would struggle dating a guy like this, and my child absolutely comes first.

The ex is the problemand that will never change

dump

sassbott · 23/10/2019 21:55

This won’t get better. As many on here have said. We have children. Ex husbands. And partners. And we manage to look after our children whilst also being respectful partners who can put our partners first from time to time.

Do not set up home with a man who shows you this behaviour now. It will not get better and your home will no longer be yours. But his and his daughters whom he needs to put first.

Then you’ll come on here at your wits end and be told by everyone that you’re a hideous step mother Who clearly hates this child and you knew what you were getting yourself into when you met a man who had a child. No child should unilaterally come first at the continual expense of an adult relationship. And I say that as a mother. End of.

Pinkybutterfly · 24/10/2019 06:05

Run to the hills. You are better off alone. If you wanted kids you have many options... You are never win in this scenario. It fees he just won the lottery and it's waiting for you to sort his living situation and use you as it better convenience him.... Sorry op. Is there anything positive in Ur relationship?

LatentPhase · 24/10/2019 06:44

The hills are this way, my friend >>>>>>>

Quite apart from the debt and the shared house and the fact he has his eye on your house after such a short time(!!) how on earth will it work being a step parent when he shows so very little respect for your feelings, your time, your relationship?

He probably runs around for his ex because he feels guilty he doesn’t have his shit together. The wants you to feel that’s guilt. And house him. Hardly the start of a beautiful future together.

Step relationships are complex and he doesn’t have what it takes to navigate that.

Your gut is telling you this loud and clear and you should listen. Bye bye to him!

finn1020 · 24/10/2019 08:25

I’d end it OP. You haven’t been together all that long and all the fluff about putting his daughter first doesn’t add up when he sounds like he’s living like an 18 year old.

You’ve hit the nail in the head when you think he sees you as a financial saviour, you’re not equal in that way and he sounds like he’ll end up a chain around your neck and taking over your house.

He is prioritising his ex over your relationship if he’s choosing to always drop his plans to suit her whims re taking his daughter if his ex has something better to do. Sometimes with separated parents that can work fine but if he’s with you too, he does have to consider you in this mix and he’s demonstrated he won’t do so.

Think about what you want from a relationship, is it really this? He sounds really unappealing, I’d walk away.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 08:52

The reality is that you only expected consistency and set parenting shifts because he is the NRP.if he was the RP, you wouldn't. To me, that's the issue. RP's have to deal with sudden changes in plans and disappointments. NRPs get to start and end their shift on time, assuming they show up.

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 08:56

I think it is a silly exaggeration to call stoners "unsafe". A section of my DH's family are Rastafarian. They play their Nyabinghi drums and smoke weed around their kids all the time. I've known other parents who smoke weed. I wouldn't say it is ideal but no worse than alcohol. In fact, you're more likely to be a dysfunctional parent if you drink regularly than if you smoke regularly.

You don't like the guy. Hate the fact that he is a proper parent and think you're better than him. Go find some childfree bloke who wants to live your way.

HeckyPeck · 24/10/2019 08:58

Agree with all the posters saying to run for the hills.

It would be a nightmare living with him and his DSD.

Being a step parent is challenging enough with a decent partner who doesn’t trot out tired old crap like the kid always comes first.

I imagine it would be “no DD gets to choose what’s on the tv - DD comes first!” “No you can’t have a pond, DD wants a slide - DD comes first” “DD shouldn’t have to tidy up after herself - DD comes first!” “I won’t tell DD off for anything - DD comes first!

Run away and find someone better!

HeckyPeck · 24/10/2019 09:00

You don't like the guy. Hate the fact that he is a proper parent and think you're better than him. Go find some childfree bloke who wants to live your way.

Haha. A proper parent who can’t even be bothered to find somewhere to live where he can have his DD overnight? For 5 years. What a joke!

ChilledBee · 24/10/2019 09:04

Right at the start we discussed how things would be balanced out. I said if ex is ill, hospitalised or in any sort of crisis, I would fully expect dates to be cancelled in order for him to get his child. If ex just fancied a night out and he was free, not my business. If ex just fancied a night out and we had plans and I got ditched, that would be the end of us as I expected him to say “sorry, I have plans already”.

Last week, we were meant to have a date night and MIL was meant to have the kids. But then one of his oldest mates was back from NY for 48 hours only and wanted a blow out night with the lads. So guess what? He went with the boys! Nothing wrong with a co-parent deciding to facilitate luxury time for their fellow co-parent because it will help give them a balanced life.

This is his daughter coming first. She is more likely to have a happy, balanced mother and that enhances her life.

I think sometimes non-parents underestimate just exactly how much parents do for their kids. It isn't all dinners and pick ups.