Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:
Original poster
MelGrange · 05/11/2019 14:50

I’ve been mulling this over and I can’t see it being long term, due to his expectations that I should provide a home for him and his daughter.

I don’t have an issue with him having a child but it’s his lack of responsibility- as others have said, he should be providing a home for his daughter, not expecting me to do it for him.

I could keep dating him (and will) but I don’t want him to move in with me because he will just take over my house (he’s already shown these tendencies at my flat). Unfortunately because of his situation, I think he is looking for someone to move in with. At my age (44) I’m not sure I want to move in with anyone. I’d rather meet someone who has their own home (like me) already and we can just stay over at each other’s houses.

I think it’s a financial issue, more than anything.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 05/11/2019 15:21

Think I agree with your conclusion. Good luck going forward

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/11/2019 15:43

I love the way he simply tells you he'll move in with you when you buy a house as his daughter would love a garden Hmm CF!!

Why the hell won't he buy a house with a garden.. sounds like a potential cocklodger amongst other things.

Plus, he's right his dd should come first, but you should also take priority in some circumstances. Sounds like, taking into consideration all the above, he's only putting himself first. By him saying 'my dd comes first' insinuates that you don't agree, which smacks of being quite disrespectful

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2019 17:08

How does he take over at your flat?

pictish · 05/11/2019 17:40

Is it not going to be hard to keep dating someone under those circumstances though?

RandomMess · 05/11/2019 17:44

I agree you suit his tick list.

I have a feeling when you make it clear he won't be moving in he may well start jump ship if he meets someone else.

I am your age and if I am ever single again I am so just dating, paying my own way and not living with someone else Grin

Original poster
MelGrange · 05/11/2019 18:13

He likes to shave and shower at my flat as the bathroom at his is dirty (5 men living together) but then doesn’t clean up after himself.

There is sometimes a queue to use the washing machine at his, so he brings his washing to mine but doesn’t like using the tumble dryer, so hangs clothes ALL over the flat until they dry. It’s just jeans, T-shirt’s etc so no reason why he can’t use the dryer.

He drinks a couple of beers a couple of times a week but never takes the bottles down to the recycling. Or any rubbish. Given that he stays at mine 4 out of 7 nights and I never stay at his, I expect him to at least tidy up after himself.

Stays up late and watches boy films ie shooting, revving cars etc. My neighbour complained about the noise. She was a bit embarrassed and said that she had never heard any noise from my flat until 6 months ago.

Snacks at night, after I’ve gone to bed, and finishes off milk, eats hummus/meat that I’ve bought for my work lunches. Doesn’t replace them.

Has started storing things in my spare room. I said he could have half a wardrobe and a drawer (he has a room at his own house) as he stays at mine but I don’t stay at his. Takes days to put his stuff away so I end up doing it for him. He’s moved too much stuff in and it won’t all fit, so my spare room is now a tip.

He doesn’t contribute financially towards food or bills. We go halves when we eat out and take it in turns to buy takeaways.

Maybe I’m just too used to living by myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
MelGrange · 05/11/2019 18:17

I think he’ll jump ship if I tell him that he’s not moving in too. We have established that there is not enough room at my flat for him, it was only a possibility when I buy a house. Given I’ve been looking for a month or so and haven’t seen anything I like yet, that could be a while!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/11/2019 18:19

Er no he is a cock lodger, get rid!!!

What does he do to help you out, to show you appreciation?

Original poster
MelGrange · 05/11/2019 18:26

I haven’t lived in a shared house since I bought this place 19 years ago. Although I have had various friends rent out the spare room on a short term basis. They never took over like this though!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/11/2019 18:29

Exactly he is taking the piss and moving in by stealth, you deserve better!

Original poster
MelGrange · 05/11/2019 18:33

I feel a bit stupid now I’ve written it all down but it’s been gradual. I also was thinking that I should try and not be so set in my ways.

My mum (bless her) said that if I’d met him when he was in his 20s I’d have been able to house train him but it’s probably too late now!

OP posts:
Drabarni · 05/11/2019 18:35

He's a cocklodger and has a dd to further lodge, or so he thinks.
Get rid, you can do better than this.
If his dd did come first then he'd have found a suitable place for her to live.
The only thing a parent needs to do really.

RandomMess · 05/11/2019 18:40

Don't feel stupid, he's a master manipulator with his "good guy" act!

sassbott · 05/11/2019 19:05

Can I ask OP. All of these poor housekeeping habits/ entitlement about how ‘at home’ he is making himself? Have you ever raised these issues with him? Directly? If so, what did he say?

SandyY2K · 05/11/2019 21:01

You are way too good for him...he must think he's hit gold with you.

From your posts, he really doesn't have any redeeming qualities.

He sees you as a way out of his living situation.

You need to get him to move stuff out of your spare room...tell him you have a friend coming over for a weekend.

Can I ask when he has to look after his DD, is it at his Ex's house? I wasn't sure if his DD doesn't go there at all...or if it's just overnights she doesn't do.

You sound like a very well grounded and sensible woman.... don't let him drag you down....you deserve better than this.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2019 21:05

He's already practically living there! Except contributing fuck all except mess. Why does he need wardrobe and drawer space, why the fuck is he doing his washing at yours, eating your work lunches and creating late night noise!?

Jeez I'd ask him to remove his stuff from your flat and stay over once a week max.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2019 21:06

Did he ask if he could use your spare room? Wtf does he have in there?

CalleighDoodle · 05/11/2019 21:15

Holy shit op. He is an absolute cocklodger. Stays 4 nights a week and pays nothing towards all the food he eats?! Doesnt even go to bed at the same time as you?! Complaints from the neighbours?! Not tidying up?! No. Just no. And adults shouldnt need house training. Ffs he knows he is making a mess. He just thinks he can get away with it.

What do you enjoy about the time he spends at yours?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2019 23:56

I think you've got him down to a 'T'.

I don't think you'll be able to 'keep' him on the terms you want (very reasonable terms IMO). He'll drop you as soon as he realizes you aren't going to allow him to cock-lodge.

spookysamhainwitch · 06/11/2019 00:40

Sweet Jesus @MelGrange he sounds like he's using you as a stepping stone to get out of his house share with out any of the financial responsibility. Drop him ASAP, he is batting WAY above his weight. Don't settle for less.

Original poster
MelGrange · 06/11/2019 08:59

He doesn’t show his appreciation in any way. Never takes me out for dinner, or anything but that’s because he spends his spare money on his daughter. I don’t think we are financially compatible.

Problem is, he thinks I must be desperate for a boyfriend due to my age. I don’t think he’s quite grasped that it’s the 21st century yet. He said I should be careful otherwise I’ll end up a bitter and twisted old woman. I’m not the one living in a hovel though. I have a fulfilling career and plenty of friends and hobbies. I’d be quite happy staying single tbh. He only adds mess and problems to my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelGrange · 06/11/2019 09:02

It might not be a popular opinion on here but once the possibility of children is out of the equation then a lot of men are not good prospects.

It occurred to me that letting him move himself and daughter in by stealth puts me at financial risk as well. If we split up in the future then he could have a claim on my house and I could end up paying him maintenance for his daughter.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 06/11/2019 09:07

Why on Earth would you want to keep dating him? From your last post about how he speaks to you he doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features at all. He seems to think you should be grateful to be with a flaky, separated dad with ex issues and a kid to accommodate, who doesn't respect your time or money and has a superiority complex when it comes to his child that he uses to put you down.

I think it's quite likely he's projecting there because he is so very far from being a catch.

Original poster
MelGrange · 06/11/2019 09:13

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last week and the negatives outweigh the positives. I think I was trying to be more open about who I date but that hadn’t really worked out. Lesson learnt. I realise a lot of men in their 40s have children but if I date one again then I’d want to make sure they were financially capable of looking after them themselves and are more organised with childcare.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread