His daughter must always come first

[MelGrange]

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

[pictish]

On instinct I’d say yours are serving you very well. You are absolutely right that his rhetoric does not reconcile with his chosen living arrangements. I agree that he uses his parental status to maintain control within your relationship and that his ex benefits from his mindset far more than you do.

I would be wary. He might have a notion of moving in together and bringing his manipulative, self-serving agenda to your daily life. You might find yourself babysitting for the ex while he fucks off to see his mates in the flat...because you knew he had a daughter and you know she ‘comes first’.

Be careful. My advice.

[BlessedBeTheFruitCake]

Another vote for ending it.
He'll get a house for his DD with a garden so he can have her overnight, doesn't have to spend money taking her to eat out 2/3 times a week.
What do you get out of it, what does he bring to the table? Doesn't sound like He has much to offer you unless he has a massive willy

[fanstar]

He is using his dd coming first as a trump card to automatically shut you down which is not right
Yes kids come first in a way as in their needs should be a priority but it doesn't mean they come first above all other relationships. It's a balance and a hard one and it seems like this man doesn't get that.
Your comment about moving him in to become second place in your own home is exactly what will happen. Do you want a lifetime of this?. Trust that instinct and move on.

[sassbott]

@Magda72 post needs to be pinned to the top of the step parenting board.
I could not agree more. It’s the parents who insist children should always come first (I think) who become further unhinged once separated / divorced. Who turn into high conflict personalities and turning what should he straight forward co-parenting situations into emotionally overwrought, drama filled, toxic situations.

Their insistence that their children are the most important beings who walk the Earth absolutely derail healthy parenting and building of grounded, emotionally resilient, pragamatic young adults.

[Youseethethingis]

@sassbott
Your post is a pretty good summary of our lives with DSD and her mum. She’s the RP so us trying to give DSD a dose of normal family life and bring her back down to earth, we are the bad ones.

[Mackerz]

Sounds like you’ve landed yourself with a man child OP! I think he feels guilty about not being able to provide his daughter with somewhere safe to play/stay, so over compensates by dropping everything to see her at extra times. Maybe he didn’t do this at the beginning of your relationship as he was in best behaviour and still trying to impress you, now you’re seeing his true colours. Saying my daughter comes first is also a handy way of immediately shutting down any objection from you.

It isn’t normal to live in a shared house with weed smokers at 43 - this has been his living arrangement for 5 years, it isn’t a post split temporary situation. Even if he can’t afford his own place, surely he could find a better house share. Normal is like the OP, having a mortgage at 43. I think the OP sounds like the more responsible one in the partnership, despite being childless.

On that note, the OP has said she is infertile, she has not said that she hates children. I’m disappointed to see some of the comments seeking to invalidate OPs feelings because she is infertile and doesn’t have children. You don’t deserve a medal for doing what 85% of women do - having sex without contraception and popping out a baby 9 months later, you are not automatically a better person than OP just because your ovaries work.

[MelGrange]

I’ve been away for a few days so haven’t been checking in. I’m infertile as I had cancer in my mid 20s. Not being able to have children is something I made peace with a long time ago.

That said, I consider myself lucky in a lot of other areas. I have 5 nieces and nephews that I’m close to, my brother and sister are obviously aware of my situation and have enabled me to be a big part of their children’s lives.

Having cancer at a young age does make you evaluate things and although I would have loved my own children, I don’t think I live an empty life because I couldn’t have them. I have a fulfilling, professional career and earn more than twice the average salary as I was able to concentrate on studying for an MSc and professional qualification. I’ve also been able to take up two secondments in Hong Kong and New York. I’m well travelled in general as I can afford holidays without really having to budget. I’ve cleared the mortgage on my flat and will be able to upgrade to a house with only a small mortgage. I pay into a pension.

I’m healthy and active, don’t smoke, rarely drink and eat mostly healthily so I’m a healthy weight. I swim for a club and am in a hiking group so my weekends and evenings are quite sociable.

I too am concerned about some posters implying that I hate children and am jealous of my partners daughter. This really isn’t the case I just think he should be more respectful of my time. I’m disappointed with the amount of posters who think I should be a 2nd class citizen because I am infertile.

[Sagradafamiliar]

Urgh I'd dump him. Mainly for the patronising 'daughter comes first' texts. Surely that goes without saying!
Secondly for the fact that his life is so untogether that his poor DD has to make do with trips out for tea because his living situation is unsuitable.

[LatentPhase]

You’re out of his league, OP.

I hope you meet someone more worthy of you at hiking or swimming.

Also think Magda72 and Sassbott hit the nail on the head.

[Mackerz]

@bluebella4

OP sounds perfectly grown up to me. Her DP sounds like a manchild.

Or are you one of those that thinks anyone who doesn’t want / can’t have children is somehow lower than you? All this man did was ejaculate into his lucky ex - as other posters have said, that doesn’t make him a good father. Taking his daughter out for tea a couple of times a week is not what I would consider to be good parenting and it’s worrying that you consider that doing this makes him a great dad. I speak as a mother and a stepmother.

[katewhinesalot]

He's not got the balance right between putting his partner and child first, when appropriate.

Right at the start we discussed how things would be balanced out. I said if ex is ill, hospitalised or in any sort of crisis, I would fully expect dates to be cancelled in order for him to get his child. If ex just fancied a night out and he was free, not my business. If ex just fancied a night out and we had plans and I got ditched, that would be the end of us as I expected him to say “sorry, I have plans already”.

This is the right balance.

[Bluerussian]

As time goes on, your partner's daughter will demand less of his time - she'll have her own life, friends, social activities, etc.

It depends whether you can wait that long.

I'd say something that you'd booked should come first, the girl's mum should be told in advance so will know not to call on dad if there are any problems.

Only you can decide, I wish you well whatever.

[FizzyGreenWater]

OP end it.

He doesn't sound very nice at all. Your spidey sense are tingling for a reason. Mealy mouthed is a good description - happy to be sanctimoniously reminding you that parents like him have to make soooo many sacrifices when it comes to cancelling a date, despite you never having objected to his DD 'coming first'...

...but when it's a case of moving from his nice cheap house full of stoner mates so his DD could come and stay with him and he could actually properly co-parent instead of his ex doing it 24-7, oh no, well that's completely different.

Bet his eyes lit up when you came along. Perfect - a nice solvent woman with a garden, when it comes to getting my feet under the table strategy all I'll have to do is nudge DD in front of me, give it the big ole puppy dog eyes and whine 'But my daughter ...

Bin him.

[Mclibby]

Just to point out that in a traditional family setup the children don't always come first. More often then not work has to come first or elderly relatives or maintaining a healthy relationship or even just general life admin. This notion that kids have to come first only tends to appear in guilty dads and controlling exes.

[SteamedPotatoes]

@FizzyGreenWater nailed it !!

[NotMyFinestMoment]

'sorry but my daughter comes first' sounds like an excuse to do his own thing, he might have the daughter on some of those occasions but I bet he doesn't have her on all of them. That line stapled on to the end of every excuse for cancelling, sounds quite sly and manipulative on his part. I think you can do better OP. He does sound as if he is potentially using you and lining you up to be his new home for him and his child. If you are not happy now, it's better to end it rather than let this situation continue.

[NotMyFinestMoment]

For what its worth. I think you would have made a great mum

[MelGrange]

@Youseethethingis
@katewhinesalot

“My DH has an 8 year old daughter and we have been together for 5 years. Right at the start we discussed how things would be balanced out. I said if ex is ill, hospitalised or in any sort of crisis, I would fully expect dates to be cancelled in order for him to get his child. If ex just fancied a night out and he was free, not my business. If ex just fancied a night out and we had plans and I got ditched, that would be the end of us as I expected him to say “sorry, I have plans already”. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man at the beck and call of his ex, no way.“

This - exactly. There has to be a balance and there is a difference between needs and wants, as several other posters have mentioned. I think DP has started to make me feel as though I’m selfish for not accepting that he will drop everything at his ex’s say so. It’s been interesting reading the range of responses, particularly the ones from parents.

[sassbott]

Do not let him make you feel selfish. My exDP used to do this to me. As a mum I didn’t once play this card on him. If we had plans (barring a medical emergency once), those plans happened and I never cancelled on him.

I was fully available to prioritise my relationship. Parents who trot out these lines are not available. Emotionally or mentally. And it’s an individual choice as to whether a person will put up with that. For me personally? I wasn’t. I loved my DP and I cared a huge amount for his DC’s. But I could not set up a life/ home with someone who perpetually thought it acceptable to put their children and their own needs ahead of basic relationship etiquette.

If I strongly felt this way about my children (that they needed to come first), I wouldn’t be in a relationship. It’s a deeply selfish way to navigate life and creates an unnatural dynamic in the relationship.

[57Varieties]

You’re out of his league, OP.

This, totally! He’s punching. You sound brilliant and he, erm, doesn’t.

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

With some exs, you have to make careful distinctions between what is supporting them and supporting their child.

My partners ex can be like it. She has animals she cant really afford or care for, a baby and is pregnant. We basically have had to say we simply cannot accomodate things related to these things for her because it is constant. She wants the physical support of a parent who lives in the home whilst receiving the financial support of one who isnt involved at all.

I wouldn't move in with this man OP. It sounds like he is using you as a ready made home for him to use as a prop/backdrop to show off to his ex via his child. He probably thinks she will want him back if it looks like hes moved on and set up home with you. He will want to make her think you're playing happy families but knows he can leave at a second notice because its in your name so hes not tied.

I cant see why hed suddenly give a shit if he could've rented somewhere with a garden all along but is in a house share...

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

(Just to add the baby and pregnancy arent my partners. He has 3 kids with her. These are with her partner who was her OM and she is OW for ages. So double fuck off expecting people you cheated and shit on from great heights to support your new life).

[Wildorchidz]

im starting to think that mum net is a place where bitchy women gang up on each other to make themselves feel like they have he prefect life and well behaved children- and im sick of it!

Is that because you got your arse handed to you on a plate because you called your dp’s young daughter a devil child? And it was pointed out to you that your dp’s poor parenting of her is the issue? And you can’t bear to think that the man you adore can not be such a great catch ??

[Mackerz]

I don’t think the OP has suggested her partner’s daughter is a devil child, unless I’ve missed something?

She has commented that her DP isn’t the catch that some posters seem to think he is but that’s because some posters idea of what a great dad is seems to be very low - taking his daughter out for tea a few times a week but not ensuring that his daughter has a safe place at his home, isn’t great parenting. In mine, or many other posters, opinion.

As other posters have said, there is also a bigger picture of setting boundaries with his ex, giving the child a routine and demonstrating to the child how a responsible and respectful adult relationship works, to think of too.

Plus it just sounds like OP isn’t being treated very nicely, whether her DPs actions are being driven by guilt and he can’t see that he isn’t treating OP fairly, I don’t know. I think she does need to set some boundaries though.

[Tocopherol]

He sounds crap. My DP also moved into a house share after he split with his ex...a house with some other professionals and mature students who don't smoke indoors and actually clean. That is, somewhere he could have his kids over. They do exist. A studio flat would be better than that.

Also "kid comes first" as a conversation ender is manipulative and nasty.

Having said that, in my thread I got told to leave DP because he's taken too long to recover from a car accident