His daughter must always come first

[MelGrange]

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

[WooMaWang]

Why are people insisting that this guy sounds like a great dad? He doesn't. At all.

It's been a long time since he split with his ex (the OP says he was single for a long time) and he still hasn't sorted any reasonable living situation for himself where he has somewhere to take his daughter even for dinner, never mind overnight. His housing is not a 'safe space'.

In what way us that 'putting his daughter first'?

His ex does sound a bit flakey (FWIW I fundamentally do not agree with posters who think it's somehow a NRP's job to just have the kids any time the RP wants a night out or whatever - I say that as a RP who organises her life so that she doesn't need to ask her ex for anything). But I suspect she's completely pissed off with years of dealing with a man who has absolutely no intention of doing anything about housing his own child. Picking her up and taking her to a cafe a couple of times a week is completely useless. She is basically the FT parent who has the child every single night of her life.

I don't agree this is in any way about putting the DD first. That's just a way of being a shit to the OP and deflecting from his refusal to organise his life so that he had a 'safe space' for his daughter. Yes, money can be an issue, but he can still find a suitable bloody flatshare at the very least.

[bluebella4]

End it.. I'm so glad to hear a dad stepping up and both parents parenting..

Sorry it's not working out for you. But children always have to come first no matter what.

[bluebella4]

As I read further on down your post, I notice you belittling him and trying to make him sound awful!! It's seems you need to take responsibility for choosing who you date rather than stomping your feet and throwing your toys out of the pram when you don't get what you want- Grow up! You know he's not right for you and yet you target all his bad points-he sounds like a fab dad!! You don't sound very nice at all.

[Wantoutnow]

@WombleCock
This old chestnut. I’m a parent to 2 DCs and I’ve never once uttered the words “my kids always come first”, do you know why? Because I’m not a twat.
Brilliant

[Longlongsummer]

@bluebella4 this ‘fantastic Dad’ hasn’t even been bothered to provide his daughter a bedroom. He’s not a fantastic Dad. He’s just weak to his Ex. Poor girl is not getting stability.

[ApacheTomcat]

"DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter."

Are you sure that he's actually looking after his daughter?

He presumably didn't act this way when you first got together or he wouldn't have made it past the first couple of dates.

So either he is capable of saying no to his ex when he chooses to or this is all just a convenient excuse for him to cancel plans with you and means you don't feel able to question it.

[WooMaWang]

@Longlongsummer He's not even managing to provide a house where she can come and eat beans on toast, never mind a bedroom.

The bar for 'fantastic dad' is so depressingly low.

[bluebella4]

Her post starting out as a man who is always there for his daughter and choosing his her over the relationship (to me that's a good dad) Once people told her to leave she decides to tear into him. His living situation might not be good but the fact he is there when she needs him speaks volumes. He knows the environment isn't-is that not why he brings her out?
She said herself his finance isn't good hence why he's living in shared accommodation. He can't control what people do in their own home.

[WooMaWang]

He sounded shit in the first post too. In what way is a man who cannot and will not ensure that his living accommodation is safe fit his daughter to visit 'stepping up' and 'being there'? It's not a temporary thing; he's choosing to keep on renting a room in an unsuitable house. It's not a recent split.

I think if we asked his ex, her account would not be of a brilliant father always putting his daughter first. Taking your kid out for tea a couple of times a week is easy and hardly even qualifies as parenting. Doing a bit of babysitting (presumably in her house, which is what makes it babysitting rather than parenting) is not some amazing feat.

If this guy wanted to be a proper father, he'd have done something to improve this situation well over a year ago. Long before be even met the OP. As it is he's very clearly seeing her as the solution to his housing issues and is quite happy to stay in his woefully inadequate current situation until she does. All the while protesting loudly about his his daughter comes first.

[Longlongsummer]

I cannot believe someone would defend a man for being a fantastic Dad who cannot provide a room and a safe space for his own daughter. He doesn’t even have her full time so he is much freer to work than the RP.

That isn’t a good Dad.

My own father never had a room for me. And my Ex has never had a room for his son. They will blame everything, struggling financially and honestly it’s all ridiculous. How many RPs struggle but still provide a safe space and a room for their kids? The overwhelming majority.

[OooErMissus]

bluebella - just because you have such low standards for men such that you consider this sub-standard specimen a 'fab dad', doesn't mean you should encourage the OP to lower hers.

I have a standard for 'great dad', and let's just say it's clearly leagues above yours.

[Chewingbubblegum]

OooErMissus, what makes a fab dad?

[OooErMissus]

My father. My DH.

But they both made/make great husbands first - indicating that they're trustworthy, caring, giving men - so it's probably not helpful for this thread.

Someone who doesn't even have enough cop on to be able to provide the absolute bare necessities, such as a roof over his child's head m, doesn't even come close to making the grade.

[Chewingbubblegum]

How do you know that he is not providing a roof for his daughter? He could be contributing to childcare. How do you know that he isn't trustworthy, giving, and caring? Do you suppose your father and DH are always trustworthy, giving and caring in all ways and in all context?

All we know is that this man is down on his luck. Why, we don't know. It could be a result of his divorce. We are also told he says he puts his daughter first. Out of that, people project their own stuff into a man they know little about. They distrust him simply because he is a man and must bear the sins of all "bad" men they know.

[aSofaNearYou]

Chewingbubblegum to be fair not all of us have passed judgment of him based on his circumstances - I would judge him negatively if he lived in a mansion based on how he treats OP as a partner.

[Span1elsRock]

Putting his DD first would mean he lived in a home suitable to take her to.

[C0untDucku1a]

My god dont we have such very low standards for
Fathers!!! He has been described as a lovely father and an attractive prospect. This is a man who can’t even provide a bed for
His child.

Imagine the mother was living in a shared house with drug smokers and couldnt have the child over night. And Was in bad debt and was struggling to feed the child three meals a week. Who would say she was an attractive prospect in a partner and A lovely mother?

Op
Dump
Him.

[thatmustbenigelwiththebrie]

This is why I would never date anyone with a kid. Far too much baggage and complication.

[OooErMissus]

They distrust him simply because he is a man and must bear the sins of all "bad" men they know.

Quite the opposite, in fact, since my life is absolutely inundated with good, decent men!

I don't know any deadbeats - which is why I'm encouraging the OP to bin this bloke off.

She can surely do better than someone with unsecured debt, living with weed smokers.

[DeRigueurMortis]

OP I'd just call it a day before you get in any deeper.

He doesn't sound like a great catch in all honesty.

This putting his daughter first is a big red flag - not because a parent shouldn't put their child first, but rather because it's just a "cover story" to keep you in check when in reality he's making life choices that obviously don't put his child first.

Additionally this "my daughter would love a garden"....well why doesn't work to provide that rather than already mentally moving in to a property you haven't bought yet when it's not even something you've agreed to do....

Cut your losses now.

This isn't really about dating someone with a child, it's about dating someone who seems overly entitled and happy to use his child to emotionally blackmail you into compliance.

[Ilady]

He is telling you that he is putting his child 1st every time he is letting you down by canceling dates or weekends away at the last minute. .
If he was putting his daughter 1st why is he still living in a shared house after 5 years. He can't provide a place for his daughter to stay but tells you that DD would love a garden.
You will soon have a home that he can move into along with a spare room for his daughter. Has he mentioned buying this house with you? Has he any savings?
He just thinks he can let you down continuously but he can move into your new house and sort out several of his problems at one time.
My advice is to tell him that it is over. He is showing a few red flags and moving in with him will just make things worse for you long term.
You will have to put his daughter 1st always. She will end up living with you more than expected because he will never say no to her mother.
Along with this if you and him brake up once he has lived in your home a while he might have some legal rights to the house or its value.

[Daaps]

So for the last 5 years he’s been living in a place where, not only can he have his child overnight, but she can’t even go and have a sandwich and a drink of water?
In my experience anyone who says “my kids come first” falls into the same category as people who say they have a good sense of humour. If it were true, it would be self evident. It’s not.
What’s worse, a few dates getting cancelled because of his parenting responsibilities, the very notion that once his meal ticket gets a bigger house he will cocklodge right into it, or that he doesn’t have enough self awareness to see how much “my daughter comes first” is cringy af? If it’s the first one then carry on.

[Billben]

I can’t see this relationship working in the long run to be honest. I definitely wouldn’t want to live the rest of my life with somebody like him.

He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I bet he has. But what is HE bringing to the table?

[KatherineJaneway]

He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I am sure you are attractive op but maybe your nice big home is what he has his eye on.

[KatherineJaneway]

A home he will likely never be able to give her.