His daughter must always come first

[MelGrange]

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

[Winterdaysarehere]

Came on expecting to read you had dumped him op.
He is a leech imo.
Sucking at your niceness and working towards bleeding you financially long term.

[Effiedg]

He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.


It sounds like he wants you for your house because his daughter would benefit.

[Imustnottelllies]

Fucking hell OP he sounds really abusive reading the follow up questions.

My partner had Disney dad tendencies and had nothing organised for the kids staying at his flat despite being here for 6 months.

I've done everything since I moved in but at least mine went out to work to fund every last bit of it and he has reined in the disney behaviour because I pointed it out everytime his kids spoke to him like shit over it.

Kids do not always come first IMO. Stability comes first and you cannot claim to be stable if your childs every whim and demand comes first.

Neither my or my partners kids get to come over every time they ask or their other parent asks. Same as they dont always get to go back to them when they're here and they say they want their other parent. It's not possible to say yes every time. How would any of us pay our rent? Hold a job down? Is living on the streets in their best interests in order to say yes every time the kids say they want to come over? Some people on here are so short sighted its unbelievable.

[RandomMess]

@MelGrange how are you doing this weekend?

[fedup21]

It sounds like he’s viewing you as a potential meal ticket and is throwing the ‘my daughter comes first’ card at you when something happens that he doesn’t want to do.

I would end things now.

[MotherofTerriers]

You could carry on dating him. Get him to move his stuff out because you are asking an estate agent to value your flat and it needs to look uncluttered and as if there is more than enough storage space. And he’d better shave and shower at his as yours will need to be pristine for viewings. Better he does washing at his too.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think sometimes an OP won't realize how bad things are until they post one problem. An overwhelming 'don't put up with that' response can lead them to think about other behaviours, things that have sort of gone 'under the radar' in the relationship. And so they add those to the current thread. I think that can look like a drip feed, but isn't really.

[TheWhatWhats]

This man is a lazy, cheeky fucker, cockledger...get rid.

[Smilebehappy123]

I would end it OP
These kind of set ups always end in tears and he doesn't have healthy boundaries with the mother of The child, just because he had a daughter doesn't mean your feeling dont count and your time isnt important
I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing and wouldn't date a man with previous children. I couldn't be bothered with them or the interfering x , you will always be second best in this relationship.and take it from my previous experience just enjoy your life and dont get stuck with his rutt

[SandyY2K]

Is there a difference between dripfeeding and answering other posters questions?

From your initial post, it kind of sounded like he was a good guy, apart from letting you down last minute to look after his DD and the comment that she always comes first.

Your subsequent posts, then make it clear he's pretty useless and has no attractive traits whatsoever.

I think that's why some ppl were telling you he's a good dad without the facts. Had the info about him trying to move in when you move, leaving his stuff there, spending 4 nights a week, playing loud music etc.... then you'd have got lots of responses like the later ones.

You left out key information about the relationship... and tbh his DD isn't really the issue here...he's not worth being with and is using you
Even if he didn't have a child... he's a poor specimen of a BF.

Having said all that, it does seem like some of these things only just sunk in with you as the the thread has developed and ppl asked questions.

He could be dad of the universe (he's far from it)..but if he's not a good BF...he doesn't serve any purpose in your life and that should be your primary concern.

[MelGrange]

Is there a difference between dripfeeding and answering other posters questions?

[HouseworkAvoider10]

This is quite the dripfeed.
He's a cocklodger.
Dump him and run.

[SandyY2K]

He said I should be careful otherwise I’ll end up a bitter and twisted old woman

Be careful of what exactly? Is that be careful to not know your worth?

Be careful that you don't set a standard for the type of man to date? And accept a 44 year old man living in shared accommodation.

Your only mistake here is not seeing that he's as useful as a chocolate teapot and realising you can do so much better than this.

Take away his DD from the equation....he's a crap BF and brings nothing to the table.

He is an absolute liability and you'd be much better off without him.

[Tooner]

Using you and your home so he can get out of that awful house share he is living in
Not contributing financially whatsover despite eating your food without even having the courtesy to ask if it's okay and staying up late using your electricity and disturbing the neighbours to boot.
Not cleaning up after himself after showering or helping out in the house at all.
Cancelling dates frequently because his ex wants him to come running.
Making plans to move in when you buy a bigger house and excited his daughter will have a garden to play in

The only good point it seems is that he loves his daughter and is great at having her at a moments convenience. (Despite not bothering to get a place where she can spend time with him overnight....is this too convenient for him I wonder?)

Are there any other good points? I really cannot see what you are getting out of this relationship except for trying to explore whether you are maybe too set in your ways and whether you may need to change that. (i don't think you do by the way)

[Mackerz]

@maddy68

Why should OP put up with this? You are expecting her to accept being a 2nd class citizen just because she isn’t a sanctified mother.

Taking his child out for tea a couple of nights a week but not having a safe home for her to play in or stay over, is not being a great dad.

[maddy68]

I think he sounds a great dad but not right for you. He's right to put his daughter first and to have a good relationship with her mum. But you are going to struggle with that unless you fully embrace it, and it's not easy to do some serious thinking for you to do

[RandomMess]

12 months in and he is making zero effort

Bin him off ASAP!

[GCAcademic]

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? I can't find one positive thing you've said about him. Cocklodgers are usually men who are living in your house, by the way. This one has managed to be one before you've even moved in together. It's not going to get any better.

I have to confess that I don't understand it at all. You should like an extremely successful woman who has got her shit together. You can do much better than this. Being single is much better than this.

[AcrossthePond55]

He said WHAT?!?!?!? 'Bitter and twisted'? No. Ohnonononono. Just no.

Sounds like HE is the bitter and twisted one to me. Get rid!

[aweedropofsancerre]

God the more you add the worse he is. He probably thinks your on your a good thing with him given your age and should be thankful , oh and won’t be surprised if he also thinks his DD is an added bonus as you don’t have DC if your own. Enjoy being single!

[pinkyredrose]

He only adds mess and problems to my life keep repeating this to yourself.

A good relationship enhances your life, it makes your life better.

This relationship is fucked.

[sassbott]

He said you’ll end up bitter and twisted? Do NOt move in with this man. That is manipulation and an abuse of the position you’ve given him in your life. When you let people into these positions, their words can cut deep and over time, if you’re not careful, you can start to internalise these digs.

I know how hard it is, you love him. And that’s why you are where you are. I’m not saying dump him (That’s a journey you need to go on and decide what’s best for you). But I would put the house hunting on hold and start having the grown up conversations.

About your concerns (him not pulling his weight, and this isn’t financial, we all know the non financial things that can be done to show appreciation. Little cards. Thank you notes. Small bunch of flowers. Even acknowledgement of what you are doing for him).
Raise the fact that if you move in together, will he sign a co-habiting agreement? (These are legal contracts that are completely enforceable). You have every right (and would be quite naive if you didn’t) to protect your financial assets.

Ask these questions, when out at lunch. And watch for his reaction.

If he has a negative reaction, that is a red flag. And you then have more facts upon which to decide how to move forward.
If he listens and seems taken aback but acknowledges that he understands your reasoning and is happy to talk about all of this, then that is more likely to show someone who isn’t actually with you for your money.

I am in my forties. One divorce down. Financially stable. There is no way I would now move in with someone without a legal agreement in place. Love can change in a heartbeat and for a lot of people, they can become vicious about money. Nothing says true love like a cast iron co-habiting contract! And I’m not even joking.

[MelGrange]

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last week and the negatives outweigh the positives. I think I was trying to be more open about who I date but that hadn’t really worked out. Lesson learnt. I realise a lot of men in their 40s have children but if I date one again then I’d want to make sure they were financially capable of looking after them themselves and are more organised with childcare.

[aSofaNearYou]

Why on Earth would you want to keep dating him? From your last post about how he speaks to you he doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features at all. He seems to think you should be grateful to be with a flaky, separated dad with ex issues and a kid to accommodate, who doesn't respect your time or money and has a superiority complex when it comes to his child that he uses to put you down.

I think it's quite likely he's projecting there because he is so very far from being a catch.

[MelGrange]

It might not be a popular opinion on here but once the possibility of children is out of the equation then a lot of men are not good prospects.

It occurred to me that letting him move himself and daughter in by stealth puts me at financial risk as well. If we split up in the future then he could have a claim on my house and I could end up paying him maintenance for his daughter.