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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:

EggysMom · 23/10/2019 17:05

He will become a cocklodger. Stop this now, before that happens.

floodypuddle · 23/10/2019 17:05

Would I do it again at your early stage? Probably not no.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 23/10/2019 17:06

OP I think you know that you need to just end this relationship right?

You clearly aren't compatible when it comes to expectations, responsibly, financial security... loads of things.

You don't need one of you to be wrong / right to end it, you knowing you can't see a future with him is reason enough.

It shouldn't be this hard, especially not so early on.

Like I say there's not even a need for there to be a goodie / baddie or reasonable / unreasonable. The fact is that you aren't compatible enough, in a number of ways, to have a healthy and loving long term relationship.

Belfield · 23/10/2019 17:06

I would end it. I don't see it as daughter comes first either. How is being disorganized, swapping all the time and jumping to the ex's beat "putting his daughter first". Surely setting boundaries is more beneficial to his daughter and putting her first. I wouldn't entertain him staying in my new house either.

Original poster

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:08

@drallcome

With all due respect, I think you have got the wrong end of the stick. I haven’t even mentioned any of this to him. Also, he doesn’t smoke weed, his flat mates do. I don’t know why he doesn’t move though, he complains that it’s too expensive taking his daughter out for tea 2-3 nights a week as he can’t take her to his house.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 23/10/2019 17:10

He sounds a lovely dad and he is of course right. If you are not ready to embrace being a full on step mother to his little girl then end it OP.Your not wrong to not want to do this no one would judge you it is a life changing thing that needs consideration. If it is not for you then I would walk. Its hard to do the right thing but its so much worse to stay and mess up all of you.

Nousernameforme · 23/10/2019 17:10

Yeah you don't seem to like him much anyway which is fair enough. I don't think I would either.

Yes his DD comes first or at least he says so how do you know its not that he just doesn't fancy going out that night or for the weekend away. I mean it's not like you can call him on it is it.

You are allowed to find someone who will put you first at least some of the time.

Candace19 · 23/10/2019 17:11

Why have you spent a year with this man ?

Original poster

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:12

@IAmPrettyWisdomous

I think @SprinkleDash was making a joke and trying to lighten the mood.

Thanks to all those that have offered me balanced advice though. Lots for me to think about.

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 23/10/2019 17:12

I love the fact that the Op is just coming back with more and more negative comments about this man 😂

Drabarni · 23/10/2019 17:13

yep he should put his daughter first, but introducing you to her in less than a year wasn't doing that.
run for the hills, he's already talking about moving his dd into yours when you get a garden.

diddl · 23/10/2019 17:13

How much does he see his daughter?

Maybe he just likes the extra time with her?

But then he shouldn't say yes to his wife all the time.

The garden comment is very presumptive!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2019 17:15

does he just see me as a financial lifeline

YES

he complains that it’s too expensive taking his daughter out for tea 2-3 nights a week as he can’t take her to his house

Sorry, but this, combined with the fact he's dropping hints about moving in...

I would run a mile. He's planning on getting his feet under your table. Along with his DD. Quite rightly he's putting her first, but everything else about him sounds so disorganised and screams wanting a wife/maid to organise his life for him. Sorry.

SunshineCake · 23/10/2019 17:16

What was the he point of the thread ? Great that he puts his dd first. Not so great he doesn't trust you enough to know you won't complain when he can't see you to see her. Not so great he's hinting to move in and hoping you'll provide his dd with a garden. You think its smile worthy a comment about Hitler and you sound like you don't like him very much at all.

What's the point in any of it ? Can't be money so is he great in bed or are you desperate not to not have a boyfriend?

Snugglepumpkin · 23/10/2019 17:16

Ask yourself this...
If you buy this bigger house & he moves in, are you happy that he will want his daughter to have her own furnished & dedicated bedroom in YOUR house?
Do you think he will want to pay extra rent to cover this dedicated space as well as his own living costs?
Because of course, his daughter won't just want a garden, she will want a bedroom.
What about all the time she will come first in your own home once she has a room there because where else would she be spending her contact time?

I have nothing but respect for a man who does put his kids first, but this sounds like he sees you as a way to provide more for his daughter & not much else.

I don't think he is the right man for you.

OooErMissus · 23/10/2019 17:19

I'm disgusted you just smiled at what sprinkledash wrote and even more disgusted that she felt saying she'd rather date Hitler than a man with a child was an okay thing to say, honestly wtf?

Calm down!

I feel exactly the same, and I have kids!

If, God forbid, something were to happen to DH, and I found myself single, there is zero chance I would ever date a man with children. No, no, no.

I'm not cut out for step-motherhood at all. I recognise it, and fully embrace it.

OP - dump and run. My advice to you - do it before you move into your new place. Your gut feeling about what will happen is 100% bang on the money.

And my God, the 'my daughter comes first' tagline is so mealy-mouthed, coming from a man shacking up with a flat of loser stoners, meaning he can't even have her back for dinner, let alone to stay the night. Yeah right, 'she comes first'. 🙄

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 17:20

I would run a mile too.

His EX is taking priority.
Writing "my daughter comes first" is so unnecessary and patronising. Of course she does, but the need to spell it out?
I am a mum, it's not something that anyone or I would ever need to say - even when we cancel plans at the last minute because one is sick or injured.

Moving in with that man? Sounds like a terrible idea.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 23/10/2019 17:20

@MelGrange Yea, I would not call that a joke, referencing Hitler as a comparison is vile and ill-thought. Interesting you found it funny.

But yes, you don't seem to have anything positive to say about this man so it's honestly a wonder why you are with him.

Original poster

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:21

@notanurse2017

The negative comments were in response to those posters who immediately said he was highly attractive as he always puts his daughter first. He doesn’t though, as other posters have said, he always puts his ex first. Then tries to guilt me into staying quiet by saying his daughter comes first - what reasonable person would respond to him and say “actually I think I should come first”. I’m not wrong to be hurt and wondering whether or not I want a future in this situation though.

My point is that, unlike what some posters think - living in a shared house with weed smokers at the age of 43 is not attractive to a lot of women. It also isn’t putting his daughter first. Putting his daughter first would be moving somewhere safe for her to visit. He’s inconsistent with what constitutes putting his daughter first - hurting me is fine but inconveniencing himself (by moving house) isn’t.

OP posts:

ThatMuppetShow · 23/10/2019 17:22

If you buy this bigger house & he moves in, are you happy that he will want his daughter to have her own furnished & dedicated bedroom in YOUR house?
Do you think he will want to pay extra rent to cover this dedicated space as well as his own living costs?

of course his daughter should have a room then, that wouldn't even be the worst scenario. How much say will you have in your own house, that would be my worry!
If daughter can do no wrong, can say no wrong, it will be a complete nightmare.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 23/10/2019 17:22

@OooErMissus I'm very calm thank you, the problem is not not wanting to date a man with a child - I am the exact same, it's not something I could do. It's the ill-thought comparison to Hitler, it is not funny and can be upsetting for many. People should think before they type at times.

Original poster

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:22

@Drabarni

Sensible and blunt as always.

OP posts:

OooErMissus · 23/10/2019 17:23

have nothing but respect for a man who does put his kids first, but this sounds like he sees you as a way to provide more for his daughter & not much else.

Absolutely.

You're nothing more than a means to an ends.

Runningsmooth · 23/10/2019 17:23

I was all for saying it was good that he was putting his DD first and if I were him so would I but I would be annoyed to keep receiving those texts. Everybody has priorities but there is no need for him to continually remind you that you are not his priority particularly as you don't sound like you have ever objected to him spending time with his DD or tried to 'compete' with her. Why is he trying to make it into a competition and repeating that she comes first when you have never acted otherwise? I'd leave him to be rude to someone else.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 23/10/2019 17:24

Seems MNHQ agree with me, you don't compare someone who murdered millions of people in a gruesome manner to a man who has a child. It was fucking vile and not funny. Thankfully they deleted the "joke"

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