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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His daughter must always come first

247 replies

MelGrange · 23/10/2019 16:13

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 23/10/2019 17:25

I don’t think anybody here said he is ‘highly attractive’ because he puts his child first Confused

There doesn’t seem to be anything you like about this man so move on

Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:27

@OooErMissus

“And my God, the 'my daughter comes first' tagline is so mealy-mouthed, coming from a man shacking up with a flat of loser stoners, meaning he can't even have her back for dinner, let alone to stay the night. Yeah right, 'she comes first’”

Yes, this is what I can’t reconcile. He has spent the last 6 years not being able to have his daughter to his house for tea, to play, to stay over. Tell me my opinion isn’t valid as I’m not a parent if you like but to me - this is not putting his daughter first.

OP posts:
OooErMissus · 23/10/2019 17:28

You know what you need to do. Wine

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2019 17:28

Red flags all over the shop OP. End it now.

I’m a SM, a pretty happy one. Our relationship would never have got off the ground if DH had binned off handfuls of dates to pander to his ex and tried to guilt me into accepting it.

This isn’t about his DD, if he was that fussed he’d provide her with an adequate home time with him each week.

Greenglassteacup · 23/10/2019 17:30

Dust him off and put him back OP

Supersimkin2 · 23/10/2019 17:33

How into you is he? Because I suspect the DD may be a red herring. If you are to have a future, he needs to value you properly. Not your garden.

Virtue-signalling about DD is just annoying by the way. Does he sound genuinely sorry when he blows you out?

sauvignonblancplz · 23/10/2019 17:35

I think you’re instinct is 100% right. YANBU.
It’s the disregard for your time as well, and the thought of him moving himself in is not good.
End it and move on .

Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:44

@Supersimkin2

I have wondered this. He was single for 5 years before he met me. I wonder if he sees me as a financial lifeline but nothing more.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelGrange · 23/10/2019 17:44

Thanks @OooErMissus

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 23/10/2019 17:50

That his daughter comes first for him is great, nothing wrong with that, but there's absolutely no reason why she should or would come first for you.
You've got to 43 having built a life for yourself which hasn't included children & any man suggesting he & his child, who he ranks higher than, you should move in with you without proper discussion & acknowledgement of the adjustments needed for everyone is a bit suspect.
He probably has a lot of good qualities that drew you to him in the first place but they don't seem to outweigh the not so good ones. It may be time for you to end the relationship.

CinnamonMentos · 23/10/2019 17:51

With every update it sound more and more like you’ve over this. He’s not the man for you. End it

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2019 17:54

He is not wrong for putting his daughter first. You are not wrong for wanting to be first with the man in your life. They're just not mutually compatible. Even if he were as handsome as or as rich as Croesus, you are not right for each other. Time to call time. Your dilemma was the main reason I chose NEVER to date a man with children. I wanted to be first, and I wanted him to be unencumbered. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm not saying he doesn't 'care' about you, but he sees you having him move in & providing a home (your home) for his DD as part of you 'caring' about him. That's a big 'get on the Nope train to Nopetown' for me.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 23/10/2019 17:54

Okay, in the first message it wasn't clear that the ex was being flaky - hence why I said what I said @Elodie2019 and @timeisnotaline - it said several dates had been cancelled to look after the daughter. Over the space of a year that isn't massively unusual. I've had to call on my ex twice in the past two months as I've ended up with hideous migraines. He didn't have any plans, but still. I wouldn't call that flaky.

Since then OP has said ex can be flaky - fair enough, and I agree with both your points - the OP shouldn't be put out all the time for the exes cancelling or her DP rising to it all the time. And it's absolutely reasonable and advisable for her to be questioning the relationship and the longevity. I wasn't getting at OP at all, in fact I sympathise as my ex had an elder son and I remembered some of her feelings well with regards to my ex jumping through hoops for his ex and his son.

OP - it's all about boundary setting. If ex is going to continue to be flaky (what defines flaky in this situation) and your DP is okay will chopping and changing plans without much consideration of you, yeah, have think about how much this relationship is benefitting you.

I'd also be cautious as to whether his desire to move in is more to do with him getting a leg up in the world from his current situation. You'd be prudent to be wary about this. But from what else you've said, it seems you're reaching the conclusion it might not be for you anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2019 17:57

Oh, and don't think it'll change when the children are grown. My sister (in her 50s) and her bf (also in his 50s) have this problem with her grown children. When they need her, she's going to be there. He thinks she should put them second to him. Nope. Even DH and I, married over 30 years, agree that if either of our sons truly needs one of us, that parent will be there for them.

LazyLizzy · 23/10/2019 17:59

He's not exactly putting his daughter first if he has been house-sharing for 5 years and she can't even go there for tea.

The only way he'll have his daughter overnight is if you provide the house.

Dad of the year.

Don't leave it any longer, you're not compatible.

lyingwanker · 23/10/2019 18:03

I 100% agree with you OP. I'm a mum of 4 children and haven't been with the eldest 2 dad since they were toddlers. I have very very occasionally asked him to have them unplanned and at short notice. Some times he's been able to but sometimes he's had plans and that is totally fine by me. I certainly don't think any less of him as a father for saying "sorry I've got plans". Now if he was cancelling his pre arranged contact days to go on dates with you then he wouldn't be putting his daughter first but as it is, he's only putting his ex first.

My ex moved out of our family home into a nice, grown up style shared house with other working professionals. It was only a temporary thing though until he sorted out a small 2 bed terrace so the kids could stay over night. Now that's a man who's putting his children first, unlike your boyfriend!

GlitchStitch · 23/10/2019 18:05

I don't think he sounds like he's a great Dad at all, he doesn't put his daughter first if he hasn't managed to sort out somewhere to have overnight care for the past 6 years. Going out for dinner isn't parenting. I'm not surprised his ex makes demands sometimes, she's probably pissed off that she never gets a night off and thinks she may as well take what help she can get from him.

He's clearly seeing you as a means to improve his living situation, I wouldn't find that attractive at all. Cocklodger in the making.

Frouby · 23/10/2019 18:11

You don't need permission or a reason to end it OP.

allthesharks · 23/10/2019 18:14

I would end it with him as this clearly isn't a relationship that works for you. But, in ending it with him, please don't tell him that the reason is because he puts his daughter first. For one thing, I don't actually think that's your biggest issue, but as a single with an ex husband who can barely be bothered every other weekend, I would hate for this man to think that he has to compromise his time with his daughter in order to make a relationship work.

(Also, purely speculation, but potentially the reason he lives in a shared house is because he's paying a big chunk of his income in maintenance.)

Shinyletsbebadguys · 23/10/2019 18:18

I think there are separate issues here to be honest.

I think it's fair enough that you seem to be deciding this is not someone to have a future with.

It's difficult because my exdh lives in the spare room of his mother's house and at 45 is , I accept on paper not a great prospect when he actually is a really good guy. He would be great for the right person. The issues around where he lives are genuinely as a result of a divorce in his forties (obviously from me) and I wouldn't be impressed if he was judged on that as although we had good reasons for splitting it doesn't mean he was bad at finances or a loser. Neither of us thought it would end it was just one of those things.

Now saying that , I almost never change contact with his dc, I think once in two years I've asked him to help out in an emergency. I fully accept a flaky ex is crap to deal with but I do know exdh would not remotely give up contact with dc for anyone and new partner would absolutely need to accept that.

The weed smoking....no that's ridiculous , and I'm amazes his daughters mother allows her around that...I sure as hell wouldn't .

Ultimately op if you are not happy then it's not the relationship for you. You don't have to have a reason it's just not working for you. However i don't believe it's the daughter but the package.

I would expect anyone with dc to put them first but if it's part of a bigger picture that is not working with you.

The text about putting daughter first is clunky. ..it's a given and he's playing silly games. I don't need to say my dc come first I just make the choice so they do, it's emotional blackmail.

Chewingbubblegum · 23/10/2019 18:18

If he has recently ended his relationship with his ex, then it might take him time to find his own place. If there was a divorce and he made sure his daughter is well provided for by moving out of the house, allowing her a secure roof, while going back to square one to build himself up again, then that's understandable.

Presumably he has not always lived in shared accommodation and it's transitory?

On any case, it doesn't sound like he is the man for you so end it.

Oblomov19 · 23/10/2019 18:19

End it. You are not his priority.

But I disagree with most about the child coming first. I put Dh first sometimes, Ds1 first sometimes, Ds2 first sometimes, all of us as a family unit first sometimes.

I don't believe in that rule of always putting a kid first. I think it's bullshit.

CallmeAngelina · 23/10/2019 18:21

What an idiot!
There he was, cultivating you nicely, lining you up as someone who would provide a way out of his current unsuitable living situation.
Then he went and ruined it all, by over-egging the "my child comes first" pudding, and alerting you to the fact that he simply views you as a means to an end.
Lucky escape on your part, I think.

CallmeAngelina · 23/10/2019 18:23

I agree with you, Oblomov. I think people trot out that line, thinking they'll get kudos as a "good parent."
But actually, it means nothing, on its own. Although I can show you a lot of spoiled rotten kids at my school, who've been brought up to think they "come first" and mistakenly believe it applies to everything they experience in life.

aweedropofsancerre · 23/10/2019 18:25

I don’t trust his motives and I also don’t believe that his reasons for cancelling on you all the time has anything to do with his DD.

Cancelling a couple of times due to urgent issues is one thing but every week is another matter.... he is eyeing up what you can offer which is a house for him and a room for his DD

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