Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

[stuffedpeppers]

OP is getting a hard time because her lack of compassion and understanding for a 9yr old whose mother has abandoned him - purs out of her posts - holiday with the grandparents over the summer, home to find Mum gone, move into flat where patently not wanted, new school year, big brother at uni - new baby brother in his face, so not the baby anymore - the poor kid is struggling.

All OP can go on about is how he "still" wets the bed, her life is disrupted, she did not sign up for this, i work full time in the City, I can afford a nanny, will leave recently abandoned 9 yr old with a nanny so I can have some me and DH time on holiday.

And i do get how hard it is. 3 SDCs have descended on my house, Mum is having major health issues and the next 6-9 months are about getting Mum better without the stress of looking after 3 kids. It may be for longer.

Oh and yes I can afford a nanny, actually without having to make any sacrifices OP!!

[user1484986087]

I find the focus on my job and fact that we have a nanny ridiculous. I believe it is not so unusual to have a nanny where both parents work in London.
Anyway to update those kind enough to empathise and understand the situation: my husband has been for counselling, ss has calmed down slightly and things are settling down a bit. The lack of space is still getting to me, dh still refuses to buy a bigger place. The sc are going to their uncle’s for Xmas with their older sister (we don’t celebrate xmas but they do) and we are going to see my parents. Have suggested to dh that he takes the sc away for Feb half term. I don’t think the sc are happy either living in such a small space but what can we do? It’s up to dh and he just refuses to acknowledge the need for space. At least sd 16 will be off to uni soon and if dh can’t or won’t acknowledge the need for more space, it’s his problem that affects sc. for instance, the older sd is coming over during Xmas and will need to stay in an air b n b as we have no space!
Thanks to all with their helpful suggestions!