Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

skids is an accepted abbreviation from what I have read

No, it's not and never has been. I can imagine the type of forum you are frequenting where it is an acceptable term.

I think that the best that these children can hope for is for your DH to realise the potential further damage your attitude may cause and step up and do something about that

@HugoSpritz I think she meant 3 figure as in the hundred thousands.

@CJsGoldfish - gosh, really? Typical stepmother bashing. Jog on love. Don’t need your so-called advice.
And if you don’t like the term skids, don’t use it. Simple as that.

Yes I agree dh is part of the problem in some ways. If I were in his place I would have taken some time off too. But I think he too was ‘abandoned’ in some way - grew up with a succession of nannies and au pairs whilst his ex wife was under the care of an aunt rather than with her parents. So I think both dh and ex w seem to have a slightly different perspective to most posting on this forum and myself too (to an extent).

Typical stepmother bashing.Jog on love.Don’t need your so-called advice
'Typical stepmother bashing' is the overused justification trotted out when you don't want to see how damaging your actions may be. These children DON'T need you, that is clear, but jog on love.

And if you don’t like the term skids, don’t use it. Simple as that
Thanks for the advice. I won't be using the term as I find it pretty abhorrent to purposely use a term once it's been pointed out to me that it is offensive and derogatory. I mean, who'd do that?

@CJsGoldfish - no only snowflakes like you find the teen abbreviation derogatory. I don’t, it’s just an abbreviation.
The children don’t need me no, they need their mum. I’m only the stepmother. I can’t replace the mother.

I think a lot of people-not just snowflakes- find “skids” an u pleasant term, to be honest.

I think a lot of people-not just snowflakes- find “skids” an u pleasant term, to be honest

I'm pretty sure the OP knows that and is just being purposely (more) unpleasant.

Could you have a look - both you and DH - at a book called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. Look at the family meetings. We have kids and step kids and we find them really useful. Not quick particularly but really helped us all have a voice.

@user1484986087

How's it going now? How you feeling ?

Have you managed to have a chat to DH?

Hope things settle down

Thanks for asking! I have taken on board the comments made and I am trying to draw the kids out and bring extra nice to them. Dh also recognising this. We are still going away this week and the kids are fine with it, no tears or tantrums. We have also decided to have a date night every fortnight and dh will take them out one evening each weekend to give me some space. I Also managed to catch up with a goof friend over the weekend and have planned a night out with her. I think it helps me not to view the kids as the enemy and to have stuff to look forward to! Appreciate your concern x

God OP, so much of your post resonates. I think you’ve got a bit of an unfair time on here. Your honesty is so refreshing though.
4 years ago my DSS and two DSD (now 21,18 and 14) came to live with us (me, DP and DD (now 19) and DS (now 15) ).
It was a sudden and unexpected move owing to an altercation between older DSD her bio mother and the mothers new partner. Police were called, they advised the kids stay with us for a few days to take the heat out of the situation and they’ve been with us full time since. (Youngest has been to see BM a few times but she’s just largely decided to shut them out of her life). Anyway, what has followed has been the most intense few years for every single one of us. We are still in the rough stage but my two cents would be:
-get a bigger place. We are renting somewhere larger (we had to move out of town to afford it and it’s still a stretch) so that everyone can have the space to retreat when needed.
-plan one family holiday per year (financially we missed one year, it’s hard but try make it happen). Invite everyone (our eldest opted out this year, he’s 21 now so that’s ok but he was still invited)
-any family things that happen, EVERYONE is invited. This was hard to navigate with both of our extended families. Again, no pressure on anyone to come but if you have kids dealing with parental rejection, deliberate inclusion is so important.
-put yours and your husband’s relationship at the centre of the new family and prioritise it. Your relationship is the rock that all the kids will cling to when times get tougher (and they will)
-do something for you (that doesn’t involve work or family) every week that you’re passionate about. Prioritise it (even though you’ll probably get guilty feelings and maybe even accusations of being selfish for it). I work full time in an intense job too so being healthy and present for both my family and work team needs some dedicated time for me and me alone.
-have trusted friends that you can rant about the “joys” of blended families with. I never managed to find one that was going through the same thing but my close friends now “get it” and it’s helped me so much.
-extended family need to know that their jobs are to support the new family, not criticise it. (We’ve an issue at the moment where DSD goes to SIL any time she feels persecuted about something. SIL loves to hear the gossip and joins in about what an unwelcoming witch I am because I go crazy when the bathroom floor is left flooded. C’est la vie)

You won’t be appreciated for being there for them, you’ll be resented, you may even be hated because of the complicated feelings that arise from maternal rejection. Your husband will likely get loads of plaudits for “taking this all on” while you’ll only be able to take inner recognition by knowing he wouldn’t be able to do it without you.

Most of all, eat well, sleep well, laugh where you can and don’t lose yourself in it all. I know exactly how you’re feeling and I can’t even tell you that it gets better or easier??

@Geniejay thank you! Good to see others in the same boat whom have come through to the other side. Dh refuses to get a bigger place, his reasoning being that the older of the 2 kids with us (there are 3 dsc in total, 1 at uni) will go to uni in 2 years. Otherwise am trying to do most of the things you suggest 😄. Completely agree with your comments te resentment of stepmother too.

I understand this must be an incredibly hard situation for you op.

But the way I see it is that those poor kids have been abandoned by their own mum. How awful.

This is a great opportunity for you to step in and get involved and create a wonderful family unit

The poor kids. It sounds an awful situation all around. With respect though if anyone gets together with a man with children you must entertain the thought that his children will live with you full time.

Dads are as much of a parent as mums. Women should never bank on every other weekend.

You need to explain to dh that your relationship won’t survive another 2 years of this and more space is needed now to house everyone happily.

@MzHz
He refuses to move and refuses to agree an alternative (ie the kids go away at holidays either with or without him). He won’t engage with me at all. The only way I see forward now is that he either starts engaging and we can agree on a plan or I start thinking about taking my money out and buying a 2 bed for my son and self. The other alternative is they I stick it out until my son is older and then decide. I just don’t understand why dh thinks that our living situation is fine. It is not .

You have a massive dh problem, if he refuses to discuss it, what other option do you have other than to protect yourself and your child?

He needs space to be a decent parent to these kids. So do you.

Buy yourself a house, it will be a good safety net anyway.

You can still have a relationship with him... but not at the expense of a relationship between you and your son, because he’s going to suffer, you’re going to suffer - which affects our ability to be a good parent.

Start making enquires, look at options etc, it’ll help you feel less powerless.

Im only half way through the thread... I
had some sympathy with you until you referred to them as skids.

Tells me all i need to know

If your DH refuses to consider a bigger home try coming at it from a different perspective: your dsc might be off to uni soon but if they don't have a place to come back to, they won't and he'll lose touch with them. He's obviously invested in their wellbeing so make it about that, not about what you want

I have already pointed out to him that we can’t possibly house the 2 elder ones once they are both at uni (one is already away), and they will need a base in holidays and to stay, but he doesn’t seem to care and is brushing it aside.

I’ve told him that I want to move out, for the flat to be sold so that I can take out my equity to fund buying my own place. Or he considers alternative solutions