Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

If you meet someone with kids you should be prepared that one day they may want to live with their dad or in your case be dumped with their dad. I took on an 11/12 YO when I was 17 myself. It's part and parcel of your partner. You make it work if you love him, it isn't the children's fault so don't resent them! They like it as much as you do but make them feel wanted and do best by them. Show them what a true mother is and be their for them! I found it very overwhelming at first as their is only 5 years between me and my oldest Ss and their mum abandoned them both but they always turn to me when they needed help and advice. It's me who did parents evenings with them and the doctors appointments. It was me who sits in a and e until all hours if they fell of their skate boards an popped their elbow out- every bloody week even on my due date I sat in a and e until 4 am!! Even to this day they mither the life out of me and iv got 3 young baby's in the mix now but it's nice because at Mother's Day they always get me a card. If they go on trips out they always buys me silly little gifts and I'm glad I have them! They drive me up the wall with smelly shoes, football socks that stink, left on my bathroom floor and they eat more then an elephant would but The situation is what you make it, either find the common ground and make it work or leave ! Don't dare take it out on helpless kids who didn't ask to be put in that situation. They can sense you don't want them and imagen been in their shoes. It's fucking tight !!

Their your child's siblings like it or not

I think you’re the one who needs treatment. All of your posts so far have suggested you have a MH condition. Did you have pnd with your youngest - was it ever treated? I think you should focus on your health first - let your DH handle all the kids for a while

@Sweetpeach3- for what it’s worth I’m the one buying their birthdays cards presents etc. I do make an effort to include them. They are not usually interested. Neither have I ever been unkind to them, whereas they have to me. Yes I understand they are kuds (well 2 of them are) but it’s still really unpleasant.

@GrumpyHoonMain- a bit rich considering the way ex w has behaved, but yes I suffer from pmdd and possibly am perimenopausal..which may make me react in a certain way...in the interests of being honest.

@Sweetpeach3- also I took them out to buy a Mother’s Day card one year. Didn’t repeat it again after their stormy faces and dh saying I shouldn’t get involved with anything to do with their mother

So focus on your MH first. Get a child free day once a week and make your DH take all the kids out for the day. Things will look very different once you’ve addressed your MH issues, I promise.

@TrainspottingWelsh

No but you are completely undermining the affect it has on a person. This person reaches out, needs a place to vent and talk and she's shot down. This might be the straw that breaks the camels back.

What she's done what many people wouldn't have, honestly, how many people would. you don't hear of those people because they don't care enough to ask others about it. They simply make up their minds. She's asking because she cares and she's stressed. She's not saying they need to leave! She's taken on 16 and 18 ur old! My god my own are hell and they are my own! The 9 year old needs a mother and she's gone, she is there for him/her. She needs a break she human

This woman has been a star.

No. No she hasn't. You might have some sympathy and understanding for her situation but to make this claim is utterly ludicrous.

@GrumpyHoonMain- I think it’s a bit patronising for you to suggest that my Mh is so bad that problems will certainly work themselves out! My issues do not cause me to not be able to work or function on a day to day level.
Like I said, the only people who know how this feels are ones whom have been through similar. The rest of you are coming at it with some rose tinted perpective.

It’s been very interesting and helpful seeing all the responses. Yes I am trying to work on my issues and bind the family together, but like I said, this is not going to solve the problems and debris of the mother’s behaviour. We do the best we can as humans.

Hmm so you think despising or resenting your dsc to the extent you leave them behind on holiday after they’ve been abandoned by their mum is normal? It’s not. If you don’t have your MH issues as an excuse then it paints you very, very poorly. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but if you don’t want to get help then sod it

@user1484986087 @Jojowash - Actually I’m the sister of a woman who had pnd and treated her kids and stepkids like this. I had to intervene many a time as she did stupid shit too. Then she got treated and three years on still feels guilty for taking so long to be treated.

If anything the crazy ex wife should be getting some help for her issues. I’m not perfect but I understand the kids predicament and have taken them under my roof (yes that I co-own). I didn’t have to do this understand others have not in similar situations. Am not trying for stepmother of the year status and neither should people expect me to be a de facto mother.

@GrumpyHoonMain- to reiterate, I’ve never treated my stepkids badly - read above. I just don’t like the situation I find myself in and am trying to sort it. Keep your subjective advice for your sister!!

As a wife you should be buying cards and making their birthdays etc special it's just a motherly thing to do even if they aren't yours... their still his
And most kids of an older age don't want to do anything but you can try to make it as fun for them as possible not just your child or even do days out they want (Alton towers or nerf shooting)
Their probably the way they are because kids aren't stupid and can sense where they aren't wanted !! You seriously need to wake up on the right side of the bed and make effort with them. Your ment to be the adult here not them so you and only you can sort it.

Iv been in these shoes I took 4 extra kids on but it's you who needs to make the effort DsD didn't speak to me or her dad at first and now we can't get rid of her lol. She stays every weekend and we have dvd nights. Make hot chocolage an waffles and things. Do our nails and a face mask with our pjs on, Friday just gone we even got new pjs each and sent dad to the local desert bar for a treat instead ! Kick dad and the boys upstairs when baby's go to bed so they have boy time an we have girly time.
Then when it comes to family days it goes in turns. Once a month we have a day out catered for the younger ones an then month after it's the older kids. Younger is aquarium mostly and Older ones like the water centres and ninja things etc. You have to cater for them also !
I can't stress enough that you need to make time for them also and include them all together as a unit not just as your husbands children.

Try to not focus on what their mother has done as it cannot he helped. She's dumped them and fucked off. Nothin more you can do or say on the matter. Just focus on making the best of your situation. Tell dh to have your child so you can bond with his kids for the day. The stormy faces will soon subside an you'll get on just fine but it's making the step to go out your way to show them you care and your their for them not just the wicked step mother you've come across as x

I urge you to tackle the peri menopause stuff ASAP, that will be hugely impactful on your state of mind all by itself

Then you’ll start to gain a semblance of control over how you feel and it builds from there.

I’m not about to post about my situation with oh and his ex their dsc but having endured a tricky Dsc situation over summer with My own HRT not working I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. At least I knew there was a time we’d get our peace and serenity back, you don’t have that, but you can work towards it.

You CAN help yourself here, I think you’re brave taking about this and ultimately it WILL help you to get through this.

Please get a dr appointment for some HRT next week? It’s one less pressure you don’t need

As a wife you should be buying cards and making their birthdays etc special it's just a motherly thing to do even if they aren't yours...

Wifework @Sweetpeach3

It’s 2019 last we checked

I agree that focusing on the ex wife isn’t going to help, no point in being angry at her, she’ll lose eventually- and everyone will judge her for eternity

They can say what they like op, but you’re the one who is stepping up, even if it’s he’ll on earth atm. Nobody would take this situation on out of choice.

@MzHz it isn't wife work ? but genuinely as a mother I enjoy getting the kids cards and decorating the house for them and things making it special like having cakes made etc. The exiting part of been a mum/SM

jojo venting would be having a disappointed rant about cancelling/ changing the holiday. Not proposing to leave the 9yr old with a nanny so she can spend time with her 'proper' family. Ranting about how they speak to her because of their mother, and asking for advice to improve it. Not moaning that dp isn't paying her enough attention and trying to justify fucking them off because their mother is a dick. I don't think my very different treatment of dsd is anything to admire, or that of any other caring step parent. It's just normal because that's what children deserve. So forgive me for not admiring someone that has only gone so far as resenting them moving in.

No op, you didn't have to legally do this, but morally you have no cause to only do it begrudgingly. So what if you co own the home, the moment their father moved in they had as much right as your ds to be under your roof.

Being a shit parent is the most unattractive trait anyone can have. The mind boggles as to why anyone would be in a relationship with someone and then be disappointed their partner isn't up for treating their older dc as inferior.

Just returned to this thread to see that it has descended into the usual stepmum bashing bullshit. What a shock.

I feel for you OP - it's a shitty situation.

@Trainspotting - what utter rubbish. No one said I wanted them to “f££k off” as you so eloquently put it. It’s about learning how to deal with this and also getting some respite. Step parenting is not a universal concept - as long as everyone is respectful of each other, it doesnt matter how you do it. Fine if you want to do it one way, but don’t criticise others for their different styles of step parenting. As is clear from my previous posts, I have tried to include skids even previously but they were not interested. Of course I realise now that I might have to step it up a gear, but I repeat, I am not their mother and never will replace her. Some good advice on here as to how do that, which I will follow up on.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - I was fully expecting this kind of crucifixion and sanctimonious useless drivel from some of the people on here, but amongst the dross, some people have given very useful advice (mostly from those whom have been through similar situations, so not entirely a useless exercise.