Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

Only going from your posts op. Where you say you never wanted them to live with you, resent your dp not foisting them on family, and running round after dc that have just been dumped by their mother, want to leave them with a nanny while you take the first class dc on holiday etc.

Of course there are many different ways to be a step parent, just as there are to parenting birth dc. But in either case, if your resentful of the child and don't want to do wholeheartedly, it's something you either need to fix, or walk away from. Not reflect in your treatment of them.

@Trainspotting - I don’t resent the skids. It’s not their fault. However the dynamics are complicated given the way matters have developed over the last few years (none of which has anything to do with me). Essentially I just want a break from it all for 3 days and to talk with my dh in a less pressured atmosphere. Even in ‘normal’ family set ups this happens - our problem is that we don’t have any of dh’s family in the uk to look after the 2 skids for a few days. I’m sure if they were going to their family rather than being looked after a nanny people would not be quite so vitriolic! don’t maintain that there is anything wrong with this. We will be calling and the younger stepkids has been away to camp before without any parents. It’s not as if he is being left alone plus he will have his own holiday with his dad soon (they also had one in the summer).

@Sweetpeach3 you said “as a wife you should...”

You’re telling another woman how she should behave as a wife. She could do birthday stuff if that’s what the dsc would like, but many would want their dad to do things for them for their birthday and that’s absolutely understandable.

I’ve bought cakes etc for my oh dsc when they spent the birthday with him, but he bought the cards and presents because dsc are his and they have a mother

In this case accepted the mother has fucked off, but it really does need to be dad who steps up primarily here, the dsc in this situation just aren’t close enough for op to go all out

FWIW, many mums wouldn’t want to do the makeup/fingernails stuff with their own dd, but you have a scenario that works for you, and that’s all that matters. Op here doesn’t need telling that she’s not being a good wife

@GrumpyHoonMain

Not everyone is the same. Pnd acts differently in every person. To accuse that is low. To suggest someone has a mental illness because they are stressed with a very stressful situation is cruel.

She is doing amazing. And she been strong to take on what she has: hats off to her.

@MzHz thanks for the rationality! Actually I have bought birthday cakes and presents for skids before (only for the younger one to throw my gift to one side saying he didn’t want it) because this is one of my family traditions. Dh doesn’t really care about this stuff and he says his kids don’t (though I think they do), and didn’t really mark birthdays when he was with ex wife.

Understood, they might think your trying too hard, and obviously there’s a really unhealthy dynamic under the exes roof because her kids aren’t thriving mentally and she’s left them.

All you can do is be there if they need you, but not force it - tricky line to walk, but keep talking to them and to your h and encourage them to be open and honest so that they have half a chance to process their feelings.

They are hurting to the core. You’re struggling with the change in circumstances, the crowding AND your hormones are giving you a kicking- take each challenge separately and see what can be done to alleviate

Main thing is to keep communication flowing between you and h. Don’t shut him out, don’t compartmentalise your life, be a unit

He does need to make an effort on their birthdays - sounds like that was a symptom of the malaise in that house, if she’s disengaged to the extent that she’s abandoning them, him making a bit of a fuss over all the kids on their birthdays might make them feel better

I remember you posted about a year or so ago. It's never been a smooth relationship between you and the Ex.

I recall his Ex is not particularly well educated, who means she wouldn't get a job paying much over here.

Were you upset he was spending money on their private school fees and there may not be enough money left when it comes to your DS?

He met her whilst working abroad. You slagged her off a lot then and I think I recall saying...that he choose to marry her and have 3 kids with her. So he saw something good in her. Now you say she wanted a boy, but if he didn't want more kids he'd have done something about it.

She's not thinking of her DC by just walking away like this. Terrible behaviour, but you need to support the youngest child at least.

Have the new Forest break when the 9 year old can go... in half term would be good.

Try and be kind to the others too. It's not a great situation by far...but sending the kids to another relative would be very damaging.

I think you do need a bigger house, because even when you're at Uni...you do come home and need space. Your DH needs to realise kids going to University isn't where it ends.

This situation is sad all round, the poor children and poor you op, you never wanted this situation neither did your step children, sorry I don’t have any answers for you, all the best xx I could not cope with this, this is why I would never be with a man who had children, I would prefer to be single.

have taken them under my roof (yes that I co-own). I didn’t have to do this

So what would the alternative have been?

I don't think you had a choice, except to move out or get your DH to move out.

I can sympathise that this has been an overwhelming transition and not what you were expecting. I can see why you might be desperate for a few days away but I think that it’s too soon after your stepchildren have been effectively abandoned by their mother. I mean the 9 year old wetting the bed indicates that they are really emotionally stressed right now.

While the break might do you good, it could really add to their emotional stress and I think childrens emotions should take president at a time like this.

I know your lo is just 2 and a 9-year-old must feel very grown-up by comparison but in reality, it's still incredibly young, especially to be without their mother. It's a sad situation and one that those children didn't ask for. They need stability and to feel wanted right now so I’d urge you to delay your trip even though I know that's not what you want.

Could you just rent somewhere bigger and rent out your own place for a couple of years? Obviously, need to clear mortgage hurdles by getting lender consent and post tax wouldn't pay for the bigger house alone, but seems like it might be a good idea to give you all breathing room.

@thetoddleratemyhomework it would be the best solution but dh not keen on it. Mostly because the dss has just got settled in a new school and actually made some friends (his mother didn’t encourage this) in our block and he had as good as confirmed this. I think there is also an element of finding tyr time to do this, as we both work full time with no familial support and dss playing up all the time, so dh has no headspace for this right now.

@SandyY2K - spot on, thats me. It got to the point where dh was running out of money to effectively maintain 2 households plus the elder dsd uni fees in addition for this year. He offered ex w financial assistance to take a course and pointed her in the direction of organisations which could assist her in finding a job, but she was not and has never been interested. Despite pleading poverty and allegedly blowing her divorce settlement, she has now ignored the court order and just absconded to Africa - no idea when, if ever, she will return. Convinced that this is one step in her tit for tat game with my dh for more money - she wants us to fail so that we can ask her to take them back, at which point she requests more money. It wasn’t a case if my dh not contributing to her costs at all, but he just needed a contribution from her in order for him to pay their kids school fees and fund uni for one. It astounds me that she would rather run away then support her kids but she she feels that working is ‘beneath’ her.

I completely understand wanting a break and to discuss things in peace with dp. But not why you'd want to take one dc without the others for that purpose.

And personally, it's nothing to do with it being a nanny over family. If you intended leaving all with a nanny, I'd sympathise with you. But I'd feel exactly the same if you were leaving the other two with a beloved relative and taking your ds.

@TrainspottingWelsh mostly because dss has school and it’s too late now to start switching dates (already done it once).

@TrainspottingWelsh — as i said before, my dc is 2 abd far too young to leave with nanny. Once he is 3 I would do that. My dss on other hand is much older and is used to spending time alone with his sister, most summers they have been at their grandparents where they were pretty much left to their own devices and booked for summer camps. That was for at least a month. This is only for 3 days in his home, he has a routine plus we will speak to him each day. And our nanny is amazing, almost part of the family. My skids are very self contained and as far as I’m aware they are free to contact their mother or whomever when they want. When they were with their mother we never heard from them by text or calls, even on special occasions. When they are with us Or the grandparents they don’t seem to contact their mother.

Dc going away or staying with his sister in other circumstances is very different to leaving him behind and taking your ds.

So 2 is too young for the nanny, but 9 and your mum has just dumped you is ok. If anything, it's the reverse that would be logical.

You do seem to be a bit in denial about how traumatising being dumped by their mother must be for these children, to be honest.

Not at all. Even my husband was saying they will be fine. It’s just 3 days and nobody is ‘abandoning’ anyone. We will limit our future holidays alone to when they are with their grandparents/uncle but this couldn’t come soon enough for me.

@BertrandRussell, I’m just stating the facts about my stepkids and how I have seen them behave. Give the younger one a tablet all day and he barely acknowledges anyone. They are used to spending time away from their parents and it is not as if dh and I are going to disappear into thin air as per their dear mother.

Actually it’s a good thing their mother has gone. Dss has finally been allowed to play football, have friends and go to birthday parties, all of which his mother did not allow. He generally spends after school and weekends playing football with his friends.

Dsd is just all about preparing for exams and uni choices at the moment. She is not bothered at all but not coming and probably will appreciate having an emptier flat and no 2 year old crying etc for a few dats whilst she is on half term and we are away (nb: dss has a different half term altogether).

So basically you are saying that being abandoned by their mother is a good thing and not traumatic at all. While you having to have your husband’s children “under your roof” is so traumatic for you that you need a holiday. OK then.

@Aria2015 - just to be absolutely clear, the 9 year old was wetting his bed at his mothers the whole time, so much that he wears nappy pants to bed the whole time I have known him. I understand he is emotional and maybe anxious right now but just wanted to explain this correctly.

@BertrandRussell - I am saying that it is good for him to be away from the pernicious influence of his mother in the long term.She hasn’t really done much for him or his development at all other than feed and clothe him. This was more of an aside really

Some people shouldn’t have children just to use them as pawns and to give herself assurance in the event that a marriage breaks up, at least she is a je to claim something from the ex. This may be regarded as a slur but when you see the track record of this woman, you will understand why I say this.