Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

How surprising to find that few people want to understand the OP's point of view. She's a step mother and only worthy of contempt, eh?

Going on a short break is not abandoning the other children. It's giving the adults space to talk about what to do. OP said it's impossible to do so with the DSCs around.

So what do people suggest then? Just muddle on as they are? That way will inevitably lead to divorce.

FFS you are a joy aren't you 😡
What do you expect him to do walk away from his children?
Step up and help

this sounds tough and a shock to you all - and i can imagine living in small accommodation makes it so much worse.

but op, imagine if you abandonned your dc - what would you want dh to do? push forward, keep together, keep strong. you might find- long term that this is very rewarding- make sure whatever you do now, you can look back on it with pride...

What would have happened if the mum had died op? You choose to marry a man with 3 dc and then add a forth he was always going to get responsible for them. That poor 9 year old.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I'm aware that the poster isn't their mother.

What I was trying to get across is that these kids need a mum, as theirs had some sort of meltdown. As the OP is married to the Children's dad, she is the one that can make a difference here.

Him seeing that she's stepping up to help and has his back is an enormous support to him, and that simple act will bring them closer too.

If she chooses not to step up then I can't see anything other than a building resentment on both sides of the marriage, which doesn't bode well .

Sorry if that wasn't clearer in my original post.

I think some of the posters don't know what they are talking about and being nasty to you but would totally break if put in your situation.

I went through something similar but easier as it was only one SD and 15. It almost broke my marriage too. SD went off the rails for a while-think self harm, drugs, defiance and lies...it was awful and I don't wish a situation like that on anybody.
We survived but I wouldn't do it again. She is doing so well now and at uni..

Through it all we had enough space to accommodate everyone...SD had her own room done up for her. She didn't go with us everywhere mostly because she didn't want to. We made sure we had time just for us so we left her and DS(with a family member) and went away for weekends.

Your husband(and you) has been put in extremely difficult situation. You and him need to talk, talk and talk some more.
Does everyone have their own room- if not you should move to a big enough place. How does he see your role? Do you have authority to parent those children? Does he back you up? Is he sorting out psychological help for the youngest?
If he won't talk and address those issues with you on equal footing to him as a woman of the house I would leave him.

You have became a full time carer overnight and you need tonnes of support from him. His children will hate it snd HE needs to deal with it otherwise OP life is too short. Youngest being 9 you have 9 years of this ahead as a minimum...

@666onmyhead I disagree that the OP has to magically become some sort of mother figure overnight because the kids own mother can't be arsed with them. Yes, she has to support her husband and be kind to them. But I'm sure the kids just want their own mum in reality.

Step parenting is fucking hard and I think some of you lot need to give this poor woman a break.

This is one of those situations where you can't change the circumstances but you can change your attitude towards them.

Stop seeing the dsc as the enemy but as ,members of your team. Ones that need a bit of extra support and compassion at the moment. You and your dh should be supporting each other first and foremost in order to handle this new set up. Hoping it will all just go away will not work and only make you stay miserable.

Time away will give you both a bit of necessary breathing space. The children aren't going to disappear but your feeling put upon and resentful can.

I’m sorry but I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to prioritise your emotional needs when his children have just been dumped by their mother like this. It’s going to take a while for things to settle down. As a grown up you should accept that you are responsible for your own emotional wellbeing and, given the circumstances, you need to take care of that yourself.

I feel the need to pick this apart a bit to see if I understand fully.

There are DSC ages 18,16 and 9. One is at uni and does she come back on holidays? Does she still talk to her mum? Then there’s a 16 year old and a 9 year old. Then you have a son of your own?

Now I assume there’s a family home somewhere that his wife is no longer living in so instead everyone is stuck in a small flat together?

The ex Wife wants your husband to have the children full time? Is this until they are adults or just for a year or so, or is she just not saying?

Does your husband own the family house? Can it be sold or could you all move in there?

The think the key to this is communication. Obviously the ex wife felt backed into a corner financially when your husband said he would no longer be used as a cash cow which forced her to disappear abroad. Perhaps if he comes to a financial arrangement with her she would come back and the kids would regain their stability. Or else you need to try and talk to your husband alone about how to make this work for all of you. You all obviously need more room. Whether that means you move out (can you afford to?) it whether you all move to a larger house.

On the plus side you have two of the children very nearly fully independent. It’s not like you’re being expected to look after three primary aged children alongside your own. There needs to be a long time plan that gives the 9 year old stability and security. That’s got to be the priority as the bed wetting shows he’s very traumatised right now.

I'd be worried about the mum, is it possible in her home country that she has been forced into a marriage? Seems odd how shes gone from been very involved to nothing. Id be getting your OH to do some digging regarding that..
As for the kids, I think your been extremely unreasonable, you knew he had children, you know the responsibilities that comes with, the poor things have been abandoned and all you can think about is having a weekend away without them, do you not see how that could make them feel abandoned all over again, especially if you take your own child with you and leave them behind, you need to put yourself in their shoes and stop been a selfish cow. Take them all away, try bonding with them.

How awful for the younger DSC - that your mother has effectively absolved herself of any responsibility and dumped you. Furthermore has dumped you onto a clueless father and resentful step-mother.

Suggest the pair of you start to act like proper adults and come up with a decent plan to look after these children long term. You've got a nanny and so appear to have the finances so it should be easier than for some. But you really need to get cracking before any more emotional damage is caused.

I think this should be a warning to every woman who marries a man who already has DC , there is always the possibility that the DC will end up living with you . Would you feel different if the exw had died ? This happened to a woman I used to know . Her DH’s ex was killed and his new W wanted the DC to live with other relatives not their Dad and her ! The DC did move in but the marriage didn’t survive .
I feel sorry for your DSC , they must feel totally abandoned.

Thanks all, it’s interesting to see the variety of responses.
This is just a snapshot and a lot of background about the ex which I have not got into...ex hates tte thought of her husband getting together with someone else and has caused issues re contact from literally since the day she found out about us. At one point, she withheld contact for 3 months before it all went to court. Poor dh has had to support her all this time as she absolutely refuses to get a job and now that the meal ticket has disappeared, she has absconded to Africa (where she is from) with seemingly no confirmation of when she plans to return, when and if she ever plans to see her children. It is particularly hard for the 9 year old as she was extremely possessive over him to the extent that he was never allowed to have friends over, join after school club etc.
For those of you whom say I should have known what I was getting into - well I did. I just never envisaged that a mother would effectively abandon her kids to father and stepmother (with whom she knows the kids don’t have a smooth relationship with. This is also the woman whom blew her 3 figure divorce settlement and allegedly has no money -obviously that is not the whole story given that she is now living it up in Africa.
I have a great deal of sympathy for the kids. I just don’t like what is it is doing to my marriage and am seeking advice.
The few days away are a lifeline for me. They spent 2 weeks with their dad in the summer and will also be going away skiing with them in Feb, without me. I only think it’s fair that we all get to spend time alone with dh, as we are on top of each other in our flat. As I say, it’s not even as though we have e ow without them, they never go out and are not exactly easy to converse with. And I have been helping out on a practical level, but at the end of the day, I am not their mother and I am a mother who works very hard to ensure that her son is well cared for and happy. I did not sign up to have 4 kids permanently under 1 roof, just the 1!
Peoplt have suggested it would have been easier if the ex had passed away - at least there would be certainty for those poor kids rather than the mother playing fast and loose with them!

This is such a hard situation and as hard as the change must be for you OP you need to be the adult here and prioritise the emotional needs of children who have been abandoned by their primary carer. I cannot believe your husband assured you that his dc would be sent to family for holidays rather than him wanting to have them? Anyway, it will send an extremely bad message if you go on holiday and leave the dsc behind. Either take them all or take none. What sort of reconnection and talking time are you hoping for with your 2 year old there?

You are taking the youngest on holiday and leaving the other two with a nanny?

OK, the change in circumstances has been extreme and not if your choice. But he is their parent and just as committed to his older kids as he is to your toddler. And in fact as he is their only effective parent now, they arguably need more of him.

He is being ridiculous about the flat, you need a bigger place to live immediately, and with no longer paying the rent and upkeep for the ExW this should be affordable.

The children will be more manageable and feel more at home if they have their own bedrooms.

You got together with a parent. This was always a possibility, the ExW could have died, for eg.

Your DH has no choice, and he will rightfully treat all his children as equals in meeting their needs.

These children are also your toddlers half siblings. Invest in that relationship.

Your DH is stepping up for his kids, doing the right thing. It’s hard but your choice is support him or leave.

I can see that this would be really hard for you to adjust to but honestly, tough shit. I know that's harsh but your needs really can't be the focus here. His children have been basically dumped by their mother and you're considering fucking off on holiday and leaving them with the nanny?!

When you get together with someone with three children you have to accept that they are in your life and consider that there's a very real chance that at some point one or all of them could end up living with you.

You need to work hard on your relationship with those kids, especially the youngest. They need to feel welcome and part of your family not an uninvited guest you resent. Add them to the holiday or book something else. It would be unspeakably cruel to leave them at home,

Work out with your husband what needs to happen to make life easier. Move to a bigger place, get a good routine going etc

Ultimately, if you don't do the right thing for these kids now that will be the thing that ends your marriage because in your husbands situation his kids should ALWAYS come before you. That's how it is and if you don't like it you've made a big mistake.

There could have been lots of reasons that he became a full time dad. She could have died. Or got with an abusive partner. Or had an accident which rendered her disabled. When you get with a parent you must think that at any time they could go from NRP to RP and consider if you want to risk that change. If not, find someone else.

Their mother went off in July. They usually spend the summer with their grandparents. They get plenty of alone time and holidays with their dad. A few days away is what we need to get away and talk properly with privacy. I’m sure if I was a bio mum nobody would br criticising this decision. My 2 year old is too young to leave with nanny, I’d also like yo spend some time alone with him and dh as working full time means I usually don’t...

Can you not go somewhere with activities for your dsc or take nanny along. That way you can have time alone but not leave them out. There may be reasons why ex is in Africa, not only financial.

Come on op. Let's be honest about this - you wanted the man and the lifestyle cos there is clearly PLENTY of money with your joint income and you thought the kids would t be an issue because contact was frankly minimal. Which enabled you to feel rather saintly without requiring you to do much.
And now it's all blown up in your face and you are furious.

So you either become a better person, parent these kids, live up to your marriage vows (better or worse remember) and make a success of your family or you walk away.

You don't have any rights to an outcome. Children have rights, parents have responsibilities. Suck it up or walk away. Don't stay thinking you can manipulate the situation.

Very difficult situation for all but as a responsible parent your DH is doing the right and proper thing

If you can't deal with having the DSC full time that it is you that needs to move out not the DSC. They have nowhere else to go and have seemingly been abandoned by their mother FFS!

I don't understand what there is to discuss really. A dad is having his kids full time because their mum is unavailable. What do you want to talk about? Start looking for a bigger place yourself.

You can't fuck off on holiday and leave the traumatised children with a nanny FFS. That man has four children and he's doing his best. Why don't you all go away together and have some family bonding time? If you did somewhere that has kids activities you would get a little bit of respite.