Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

[user1484986087]

I find the focus on my job and fact that we have a nanny ridiculous. I believe it is not so unusual to have a nanny where both parents work in London.
Anyway to update those kind enough to empathise and understand the situation: my husband has been for counselling, ss has calmed down slightly and things are settling down a bit. The lack of space is still getting to me, dh still refuses to buy a bigger place. The sc are going to their uncle’s for Xmas with their older sister (we don’t celebrate xmas but they do) and we are going to see my parents. Have suggested to dh that he takes the sc away for Feb half term. I don’t think the sc are happy either living in such a small space but what can we do? It’s up to dh and he just refuses to acknowledge the need for space. At least sd 16 will be off to uni soon and if dh can’t or won’t acknowledge the need for more space, it’s his problem that affects sc. for instance, the older sd is coming over during Xmas and will need to stay in an air b n b as we have no space!
Thanks to all with their helpful suggestions!

[stuffedpeppers]

OP is getting a hard time because her lack of compassion and understanding for a 9yr old whose mother has abandoned him - purs out of her posts - holiday with the grandparents over the summer, home to find Mum gone, move into flat where patently not wanted, new school year, big brother at uni - new baby brother in his face, so not the baby anymore - the poor kid is struggling.

All OP can go on about is how he "still" wets the bed, her life is disrupted, she did not sign up for this, i work full time in the City, I can afford a nanny, will leave recently abandoned 9 yr old with a nanny so I can have some me and DH time on holiday.

And i do get how hard it is. 3 SDCs have descended on my house, Mum is having major health issues and the next 6-9 months are about getting Mum better without the stress of looking after 3 kids. It may be for longer.

Oh and yes I can afford a nanny, actually without having to make any sacrifices OP!!

[Ginger1982]

"if you read a bit more carefully, you’d see that I work full time, in the City. Have always paid my way and went back to work when my ds was 8 months old. Love my job and I could never be a a SAHM (no disrespect intended)."

"Are you jealous that we both work hard and make sacrifices to afford a nanny, perhaps?"

🙄

[Disfordarkchocolate]

You do have my sympathy but those poor children, I cannot imagine how much distress they are all in. I think you all need to focus on the 9-year-old to start with, how bad must he feel to have started wetting the bed?

He needs legal advice and residence sorted.

You need to move house, your husband must have more spare money now. Don't rush into it but it might help your stepson feel like he has a place of his own and not he's not a visitor.

I don't think there is any quick fix to this, but if you pull together you can settle things down and make everyone feel more secure. Also, your husband needs a bollocking off someone for even thinking he could send his son away.

[LatentPhase]

Just popping in to say I truly don’t understand why OP is getting these nasty replies. Truly.

OP I hope you and all the kids are managing to keep it together and that your OH is finding a way to hear your concerns. Hope you’re ok too.

Agree totally with Sassbott

[stuffedpeppers]

OP - you are the one who mentioned you were a well paid city worker and not a SAHM - you obviously consider yourself better than those who are SAHMs.

She is from the outside not the best Mum - but she is the SDCS Mum and no she has not practiced parental alienation against you because you do not want the SDCS in your perfect little life. Your views on their mother and her reasons for anything need to be separate from the children.

It takes time to build a bond, I have been unbeleivably patient in my view with my SDCS 2 are easy, one has been more difficult / a nightmare. Now having to live with us ( Mum v ill) alebit hopefully temporarily - it has been hard work Difficult child is now wavering a little but your attitude is so harsh, melodramatc and so uncompassionate it beggars belief. You do realise these people are your childs siblings.

[user1484986087]

‘the adults in this mess - trying acting like one not a self absorbed well paid City worker who has put SAHMs down, slagged off the mother and everything else.’

Completely unwarranted. I have been kind to them but they have never been interested. In fact, all but one have been very rude. I might be well paid but at least I work for it! And if I have ‘slagged off’ the mother, she deserves it. Not for being a SAHM but for being a greedy entitled self absorbed individual who uses her kids as pawns, and is so lazy that she would prefer to dump her kids and go AWOL rather then stepping up and getting a job. Not to mention practising parental alienation against me. Honestly, I would have taken any job had I been in her situation.

Sorry I will write back with an update for those kind enough to enquire but I thought this comment was so ridiculous, I had to say something!

[stuffedpeppers]

OP - no one expects you to step up and be mother but compassion understanding and a modicum of kindness would make you sound even a tad better than you are coming across.

1 DC at university abroad - is not in your "flat"
1 DC studying quietly and probably hiding from you
1 DC struggling and what a surprise

YOu exaggerate your inconvenience, belittle the devastation the DCs in your house must be feeling and never wanted 4 kids - you do not have 4 kids, your DH does and is trying to do the best for them whilst his wife whines in the back ground as life gets re adjusted.

My 3 SDCs have just moved in with us - not expected but currently unavoidable - we are all pulling together ( middle SDC never liked me) but a few tentative feelers out in the past few week .

am not sure whether you noticed you are one of the adults in this mess - trying acting like one not a self absorbed well paid City worker who has put SAHMs down, slagged off the mother and everything else.

A bit of humility and compassion would not go amiss

[Bibidy]

I don't know why I'm surprised at these nasty replies.

@user1484986087 I sympathise with you massively. I don't know how I would cope if this happened to me, and I think your husband should be more understanding of the fact that your whole life has been turned upside down because his ex is a twat and has abandoned their children purely because he wouldn't finance her anymore.

I can see how he's under enormous pressure too and probably doesn't know which end is up at the moment, but it sounds like he's not giving you any space to even talk about your concerns.

To all the people saying OP should leave if she's not happy with this new turn of events, what about her own child with her DH?!? Why is his happiness and comfort not as much of a priority as the older children's? It is not as easy as OP just up and leaving.

[sassbott]

I’m bumping this. OP how are you getting on?

My first thought reading this thread is that your DH is in shock and overwhelmed. His brushing off of serious conversations could simply be that he is pure survival mode. He’s eating, breathing, sleeping, working and trying to get his kids through this car crash of a situation.

Now whether that is causing A level of denial in the severity of what has happened, I don’t know. But this much is clear.

All the children should be getting professional support/ counselling. For a parent to abandon their children in this way must be horrifically traumatising. A parent (dare I say it) mother should never abandon her children. This wrench must be horrific and all the children will need help processing this trauma. There will be sadness, anger, confusion, shame (these children will think it’s something they did wrong). The child won’t speak to their mother. No I’m sure they won’t. Why? Hearing her voice will probably make it worse. They are in pain.

The bed wetting should be getting medical attention. This will impact a child’s confidence hugely and your DH is not doing his job properly.

You absolutely have to find a bigger place. You say you’re in central London and paying school fees? Well then move further out and get more space. As you say, even children who are at uni need a base for the holidays. He’s clearly not thinking this through.

You (as a couple) need to get into counselling ASAP. You can get through this but the team that has to be the strongest is you and him. And that means starting to communicate and for both of you to be heard and compromises made where possible. The children may be acting up but they need stability and to know that their dad is not going to leave them. If you need to organise it, organise it. Who cares who organises it, so long as it helps.

This is an awful situation. For you all. I can only imagine how overwhelming it is.

Re holidays? In your shoes I would suggest that your DH takes those children away. And focusses on 121 time with them. I think they need it. And it takes the pressure off you.

Are you then able to get away with family? Friends?

Divide and conquer. Get your space. Do things for you. And honestly? Step back. Detach. Support. And let him stabilise his children. That’s what they need.

You have my intense sympathies Op, this cannot be easy x

[BarbedBloom]

Just read the whole thread, I do think you have a DH problem too, but I wanted to post about how I think your ss may be feeling. He has grown up with his mum probably saying horrible things about you. He had an unhealthy relationship with his mum, as you've explained. Then his mum left. He has to battle with all the things his mum has said, a suddenly uprooting of his whole world. Then in the back of his mind, he thinks bonding with you may then mean you vanish too. It is no real wonder he is pushing you away really. I suspect what he needs now are boundaries and to feel normal. But your DH has to be the one to start making it clear you are there to stay, which in term may in time make him less hostile. My friend adopted children who behaved in similar ways because they had never developed healthy attachments. He needs counselling to help him learn ways to deal with all of his emotions. This is why I say you have a DH problem. Right now he is failing to support all of you, just in different ways by pretending everything is fine.

Of course you are not his mum and there is pressure on you, but your DH needs to see that helping his son to deal with all of this leaves more space for you to deal with it too. You also need more space. Even with people I get on with well, all being crammed together leads to arguments and bad feeling. Then you are possibly also dealing with the terrible twos with your own son.

It is your DH that needs to listen. You are stressed and confused and even you recognise your stepson is majorly struggling. The key thing here is that if your DH didn't form proper attachments with his own parents due to always being with nannies, he probably doesn't understand why his son is struggling so much.

It is such a hard situation and I sympathise with all of you. You have a traumatised child, perimenopause, a husband who is doing the equivalent of la la la and a busy job. I can see why it is all falling apart.

[user1484986087]

Fair enough.
Ss is extremely difficult but even if we divorced, my ds would still be exposed to his behaviour (most likely 50/50 residency). Ss might get better as he gets older but if not I will consider moving out with my son.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You don’t have to but what’s likely to get better with time? Your SS sounds very troubled, his dad’s response is to tell everyone to be nice to him, you’re worried it’s affecting your own son.

It’s your life but you asked for advice and mine is leave this stressful horrible set up and give your son a better life.

[user1484986087]

Why should I end my marriage over a stepchild and his mum’s actions, and have my son go through the agony of this ? I think that’s what the ex is hoping for in absconding the way she did.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d honestly just end it. It’s not up to him to say no to divorce if that’s what you want. Yes your DSS is going through a lot but he’s not the only or most important person in the family and the future looks shit.

[user1484986087]

Sorry been v busy with work and travel
It’s a 3 bed 2 bathroom flat but all one level and small. Basically not much privacy or space.
So dss is constantly wetting his bed and some nights crying for his mother. Dh has asked us all to be ‘extra nice’ to dss. Which I have tried to do (despite his resentment and dislike of me). One thing I did was to try to organise his birthday for him, which is coming up in the next few days. He is not interested and not even interested in choosing a cake. I suspect he resents me organising it so I am backing off (this is the boy who has previously thrown my gifts aside saying he doesn’t like them). Really don’t know what to do. I have at least 8 more years of him living with us if his mother doesn’t return (likely). I could probably cope with it if it was just me but I’m worried about my 2 year old ds picking up on his half sibling’s behaviour (neither does dss have any manners , for the last few years he refuses to say please or thank you without prompting. Any tips on dealing with this please?

[MzHz]

You’re trying to be extra nice, keep going. That’s all that matters, it won’t hurt dss, and it might get through someday.

Your dh needs to keep reinforcing to the dc that they’re welcome and safe, but he does have to deal with the fact that you do need more space

How big is the flat you’re in? How many rooms? Do the kids share rooms?

[user1484986087]

Been through finances with him, no money to buy a bigger place until next year. He doesn’t want a divorce. Has said that either we or kids will go away during holidays so that we get some space in the flat (not sure I believe this). Other option is for me to rent a room in our block and have some space that way - that’s still very expensive for me but will look into it early next year.
There is talk of counselling but he wants me to sort it out!
Stepson crying for his mother and still playing up. Refuses to call his mother . I’ve tried to help him and be extra nice to him
But he is just hostile back to me. Apparently his mother is saying that it is dh fault that she had to move when he stopped paying all her rent as she can’t work having been a SAHM with kids (despite the fact that they have been divorced 7 years and both court and mediators have told her to look for a job, even if not full time). Dh no longer has money to sustain full time rent in central London plus food living costs of ex and kids on top of school fees and cma!

[FemaleEcho]

I think your husband sounds like a bit of a twat.

That he was initially not going to step up and take responsibility for his children and send them to love with his own parents.

That he's refusing to get his child medical help for his bed wetting that's been going a while.


That he was/is going to fuck off on holiday with only one of his children and leave the rest with a nanny.

If the kids were only with you every other weekend before this then I'm assuming they weren't left with the nanny during his few days contact with them and then because his father took no time off to support his children were they left with a nanny from the start?

Refusal to discuss appropriate sized housing for all his children too?

I think what their mum has done is shit, but it always confuses me when fathers who paint the mother of their child in such a negative light seem to be content leaving the children in her care the vast majority of the time instead of fighting for residency. If I genuinely believed my child's father was causing them the emotional harm your dh has claimed there's no way I'd settle for four days a month contact.

I know you said you signed up for only one child under your roof permanently but realistically he couldn't and shouldn't have made that promise when he's as responsible for them as their other parent and his children could have asked to live with him, disability could have happened, death could have happened, there's so many reasons why a father may be required to take full time responsibility for his own children.

You're saying the nine year old can't cope with his dad being away from him for date night, how can you confidently say he will be fine when he's father takes his young let brother on a holiday and leaves him behind? I genuinely don't think I could go if he can't make it through a date night without needing his dad.

You guys really do need to sit and talk though, I think I'd maybe be cancelling the trip away but keep the nanny, maybe leave all the children with the nanny during the working day while you and your dh take yourselves out to discuss all the children and their needs and how to meet them.

I kind of think until his son is emotionally secure then his son does come above you for a little while, but with a husband that refuses to discuss anything and him expecting you to have no input, that's massively unfair, if he started the ball rolling with counselling, for all of you to be honest, and tackling the bed wetting for example at least shows it's not gonna be like this forever and that's he's trying to aim for stability and normality for everyone long term.

Best of luck because I think you're going to need it.

[MzHz]

Mate, this isn’t the marriage you wanted, he’s not a partner, he’s an enemy!

If he won’t see sense, then divorce it is. Please don’t be scared, it’ll be a lot better with him as an ex than living like this.

[user1484986087]

I wish I could afford to just buy myself another place and keep the relationship but I cannot. He’s just annoyed me again by telling his son to apologise to me for door slamming (not yo himself) and refusing to not let him disturb us on a night out/dates etc which then leads to him spending the rest of the evening with his son. He refuses to acknowledge that putting his son above me constantly is not helping our relationship

[user1484986087]

He is not interested. Now talking divorce.

[Ginghamricecakes]

Hmmm...
All I can say, OP, is that these situations have a funny way of coming back on themselves in the long-run.
Maybe you won't fully understand the context of your actions, or your DH's actions, until your bio son grows to be the age your DSC are and you realise how reliant on you and his dad he still is. If this causes the breakdown of your own relationship, and your bio son ends up with a step-mum of his own, how would you like him to be treated? Especially if they then went on to have more children?

It's no easy ride for you, by all means, but those children have endured a huge traumatic event. By the sounds of it there mum hasn't been great, but perhaps there Dad has been emotionally absent also, by remarrying and having another DC. The sense of abandonment they must feel is enormous.

My concern from your recent post is that you may be trying to, even if you don't quite realise it, make your DH choose between his children and you by threatening to move out.

Your dsc are just that, CHILDREN, even the eldest. They need guidance, security and a feeling of being safe. They're probably far from thrilled to be living in a new house too, but it's worth remembering you are the adult in this situation, you signed up for the baggage that comes with marrying a single-Dad, they did not.

Going forward, I would suggest you all need to seek counselling and external support, for dss9 perhaps through school or GP. Its a massive upheaval, but there is still opportunity to make this work, especially with professional support.
Best of luck

[Jojowash]

@user1484986087

Ah shame. I get it though. He needs to see you side. Brushing it away hasn't helped, just forced you to make a massive decision. So put the house up for sale, he either decides to let you go or buy a bigger house. It isn't working he isn't communicating with you, you e tried to talk. Now actions needs to happen.

How are things now

[notapizzaeater]

Did you look into family counselling?