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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Blended family creating marriage problems

277 replies

user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 06:58

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2019 21:42

Have you seen the gp about the bedwetting?

There is fabulous medication available now. Both my cousins used it and it worked perfectly until they grew out of it.

It doesn’t necessarily mean there is an emotional issue.

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 21:45

@Dollymixture22- I’ve indicated to dh that he should go to the gp or at least take professional advice. But he just laughs it off saying dss will grow out of it...

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2019 21:47

Okay - But just thinking of he is making friends he might be invited to sleep overs. Most parents deal with this fine, and kids are more sensitive these days, but might still be embarrassing for the little man.

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 21:49

@Dollymixture22 - I fully appreciate that it is embarrassing for him, in fact he was invited to a sleepover a few weeks ago and dh would not allow him due to this issue. I do feel for him. But dh refuses to see it as a serious issue, for whatever reason, and same with his mother. If it was my son, I would have taken him to the gp when he was much younger

OP posts:
HugoSpritz · 20/10/2019 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 21:59

@HugoSpritz - I’m answering questions. And since I dint have parental responsibility for dsc and the ability to take time off work for their medical appointments etc, I can only make suggestions to my dh...which are ignored or laughed off. I can’t do much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:01

@HugoSpritz - skids is an accepted abbreviation from what I have read. You of course don’t have to use it.

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 20/10/2019 22:11

skids is an accepted abbreviation from what I have read

Not on this forum. Would you like your children referred to in that way?

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:13

@Sotiredofthislife - I wouldn’t care. It’s just an abbreviation.

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 20/10/2019 22:13

Righty ho op. The dc are just fine with being dumped, and you're just going to expand on what a cunt their mother is to excuse your behaviour. And next time you'll plan your holidays for the first rate family when they aren't there. Way to make them feel wanted. Not so much a blended family, more a sieved one, with the unwanted bits filtered out.

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:18

@Trainspotting - I fully respect your point of view. But you’re not me and you dint know my stepchildren. The sky will not fall in and any ‘trauma’ caused by being away is nothing cf their mothers behaviour.At least I have taken them in and trying to help them, unlike their actual mother. I don’t expect s medal for this boy there has to be some recoginition of the fact that I am merely the stepmother and can spend time alone with dh. I’ve been given some great pointers on here re going forward and in terms of improving my relationship with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:22

Also they will have their own holidays with dh without me. You could argue that this is leaving me out too judging by your argument. Blended families need time apart as well as together time.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 20/10/2019 22:36

Skids is a horrible term. I've never seen it used.

I actually think that it's not just the poor abandoned 9 year old that needs special love and attention but his older sister is at a really tough age to go through this too. Please don't just dismiss her as being busy with school work.

You came asking for others perspective and when it isn't in agreement with your feelings you are dismissing the advice.

I have 3 kids and can tell you that the relationship does change. Everything is about the kids. But that's what they deserve.

You and DH need to love bomb these kids. There is no way you can go and leave them behind. The fact you can't see this is abandoning them again doesn't reflect well on you.

Do you think the fact the kids are abandoned at their grandparents over the summer may also have created issues. Why does that happen?

I hope these kids get the love they deserve.

MzHz · 20/10/2019 22:46

Love bombing these kids will confuse the crap out of them tbh, faaaar better to be normal around them and try to find some peace and happiness together and accept that not every day is going to be sunshine and ponies.

MzHz · 20/10/2019 22:47

Normality is the aim here, by the sounds of it, they haven’t even known normal (no parties/football/friends etc) so little by little rather than a tidal wave of something they’re not used to and won’t trust.

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:52

@Mumdiva, people have given advice which I am grateful for...clearly there are those whom have a different perspective and criticise me. That’s fine.
We are doing best with kids. I haven’t dismissed dsd but she doesn’t talk, in spite of my best efforts. This family doesn’t do feelings unfortunately (unlike my own).
They always stay at their grandparents during the summer due to the fact that we both work and prior to my son had no childcare. Grandparents have an idyllic house on the beach and they get to du all kinds of activities. Also my bil And his family go there too. I don’t think this is an issue - plenty of my colleagues send kids to their families during the summer break, and so will I when ds is school age. We don’t have much choice given holiday entitlement.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 22:54

@MzHz exactly, you’ve hit the nail on the head. They are not used to doing everyday activities other kids take for granted. You speak a lot of sense.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 20/10/2019 22:56

You have a full time nanny so why is it disrupting you so much?
They're his kids, they've been abandoned by their mum. You're deranged if you think he should have done anything differeny

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 23:05

@LemonPrism- yes we do but obviously she is not here all the time, only when we are at work. The hard work involved in taking on traumatised kids who have been taught to hate me is still there m.You seem to have absolutely no idea about the history of this or the impact, so may I suggest that you take stock before calling people deranged. Are you jealous that we both work hard and make sacrifices to afford a nanny, perhaps?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 23:06

@LemonPrism clearly he has no choice or I had the choice to leave. Am seeking advice on how to deal with this upheaval.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 20/10/2019 23:26

Has your DH not taken any time off work to help his DC at this time?

But he is happy to take time off work to go on holiday with you and his new DC. Also you know that you are coming back after your holiday but the traumatised 9yo might not believe you are

user1488806051 · 20/10/2019 23:31

Wow can’t believe some of the vile judgemental comments you have had. They are justified though cos your only the step mum right...... ?!? Typical MN posters! If you were in any other situation of suddenly having 3 children with serious emotional trauma to look after you would have help, advice, support! But because your a step mum your expected to suck it up and get on with it.
I really feel for you OP. This is a massive sudden change and a lot of responsibility to take on. Of course you feel for the children and will do your best, doesn’t stop it being extremely hard for you. You also definitely do need some time with your husband, to chat things over and have some you and him time. Your are absolutely no good to anyone if you are stressed and falling out with your husband. If you and your husband are working as a team you will be better and stronger for everyone, you might talk out solutions and compromises. It might even go the other way and you don’t feel supported enough to be able to take this on.

Either way you have a really difficult time ahead. I sincerely hope it all works out for you. X

Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 23:32

@ineedaholidaynow- he has not. His argument is that we have a nanny. In fact, I will be picking up dss from his football camp a few days this as am wfh then. I don’t mind doing this though it should br dh perhaps.Dh says he can’t work from home, even to do this. This holiday was organised a long time ago and he has taken time off with them during the summer and will at Xmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 20/10/2019 23:35

@user1488806051-thank you. To be fair, this forum attracts all sorts. But plenty of good advice and recognition. As you say, I’m the hated stepmother. Try as I may, there are limits to what I can achieve. Am working through things with dh now and hopefully things will settle down and a degree of normality will kick in.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 20/10/2019 23:38

I think part of your problem isn't the step kids it is your DH. He needs to be stepping up right now. If his ex had died would he still have carried on working and saying don't worry the nanny can look after them.

The nanny is not a replacement parent, they have lost their mum (possibly temporarily possibly permanently) who however rubbish she may have been in the past was their main carer. He now needs to be the main carer not you, not the nanny.