I want a weekend without my stepson. Selfish?

[Debbie01]

Extremely confused. My fiance and I being together for a 1.5.years and actually living together since January and we just had a daughter a month ago. Yup, all really fast.
Well he has 3 kids of his own and I have one.
I always tell him to go spend time with his kids, that I'm ok with staying home that way they feel more comfortable n have him by theirselves, but today I asked him for something. He picks up his son, which is 2 years, every weekend and I ask him if could give us, me and his daughter, a weekend just for us two, meaning for him not to pick up his son 2 weekends out of the month. He exploded and he said hes not gonna do that, that that's his boy. Okay i said, then atleast give us one weekend. He said no as well.

Now, am I being selfish for wanting him to spend time with our new born daughter and myself only, atleast one weekend? Weekdays are difficult cause he works, then goes see his kids from like 230sh to 6 then comes home. And when he doesnt its cause hes working, which we dont see him either.
I feel like I shouldn't ask for this, but I also feel like we need time.

P.s. my daughter is 9 n lives with us. Her dad is not in the pic at all - I think diff. Is that she doesnt need my attention as much as his kid does. Also, keep in mind that he only spends time with him and doesnt see his other daughters (they all are from same mom).
Any thoughts?

If you look on the thread titled "My Step Son", you have posted the following:

@helpmum2003 no worries. No I wasn't. They actually got separated 2 years before we got together.

Which was a question asked to the OP of that thread. Yet you answered it?

@SoyDora

Don’t be an imbecile. The OP has already stated that her partner, the father, spends every week night with his son and two daughters from 2.30-6pm. What the son and two daughters already have is their father to themselves every day.

OP, you have two biological children so I’m sure you understand this.

When you have your first child, you can spend lots of family 1-1 time with that child at weekends. When you have a second child, that’s not possible because you already have a child. You knew when you had this baby that this would be the fourth child between you (fifth if you include his stepdaughter, not sure what that relationship is like)

So no, it’s not really possible to have regular alone time with you, him and the baby because you both have other children - what about your older daughter, where would she be during this proposed time? Would you be willing to lose a weekend a month with your older daughter to spend it with him and your baby?

What you should have is family time - you should be spending the weekends together, as a family, with his children and yours.

Having said that, does his son’s mother never want to spend a weekend with her son? I can’t imagine never being able to spend weekends with my boys.

I had twins so we’ve never had alone time with both parents and one baby - that’s a luxury for people with one child.

You need to address the fact his daughter doesn’t come to stay with you. You both have daughters of around the same age, they should be spending time together. That is a terrible situation which will be really damaging her.

@SoyDora

Apologies accepted.

How is any of this helpful. Some of you are being really irresponsible. Stop swearing for starters. Insinuating people are high! Really, come on now. All I can see between the lines of the original op is a really overwhelmed mum. Have some empathy. I can’t believe how this post has escalated get a grip some of u and think very carefully about your posts. Twentyeight12 - dont your waste your time my lovely. I agree some of you must have had a really bad day. OP get off the thread for your mental health.

@WitchyMcpooface

Thank-you x

To the OP, WitchyMcpooface is right... get off this site tonight. I have done my best to help/advise.

You’ll be just grand. And remember, if the opinion is popular on Mumsnet... it’s the opposite barometer of life and you should take your own path.

Lots of love

YABU and you know it.

@Sunflowers211

I could almost admire you if it weren’t for your complete void of justification.

You are a bully, so...

The original poster is not available right now, so how about taking someone on your size in verbal ability...

I've got 2 DSC who we have twice in the week and EOW (technically). Often, we'll have them more frequently at weekends now and despite loving DSC dearly, sometimes I do long for weekends just us 2. That said, the reason I feel like that is because for 6 years it's always been EOW so you end up getting used to that routine & "missing" the time we had when those things change. However, on the basis he's had DS every weekend since you've been together - YABU to ask him to change this, even to give up 1 weekend a month to make way for you and DD. There shouldn't be a "give up one for the other" you are all a family, which you accepted when you had a child with him.
If the issue is actually that every single weekend he's off with DS, spending no time at all or helping with DD - then that's different but it's not his sons fault; it's his. You need to explain how you feel otherwise, as it appears right now, you're starting to resent a 2/3 yo who has done nothing wrong.
Also, how are you with his son when he's over? Are affectionate and welcoming? Or do you give him no attention because of DD (either consciously or not) OH might be trying to ensure that DS doesn't feel pushed out of the "family" due to the arrival of the newborn, which will be highlighted further by you asking him to drop a weekend.

Well, I think the dad is doing a reasonable job of co-parenting his first family (and ex step daughter) during the week, and covering shifts with their mother.

Unfortunately, he's a bit of an arse about having his son alone every weekend but maybe the girls have other things the mum needs to take them to anyway.

Also unfortunately, a second family doesn't easily fit this scenario. His second family (partner and newborn) are getting a raw deal as his waking hours he's either working or with his first family. At weekends he seems to selfishly leave his son with the OP half the time as well and there appears to be little attempt at all for all the children to bond.

And then there is the OP's own 9yo who seems to be getting a very short straw.

I can understand why the OP would like her partner to spend more time with her and the newborn - it actually seems he spends almost none. And to ask for one weekend doesn't seem that unreasonable taking all the circumstances into account - it would be a fairer split between him and his ex.

Maybe they should have two weekends he brings the son only, one weekend he brings all three kids and one weekend the ex has all three kids (bearing in mind one isn't his anyway). Better to help blend the family.

And he needs to step up parent his newborn as well, so he'll need to adjust some part of his schedule to do that - maybe one afternoon granny stays on to babysit and he comes home?

It's all a bit complex but I don't think the OP is being fundamentally unreasonable.

@SoyDora whenever he wants...the three weekends if he chooses. He knows that

@smilebehappy123 idk what you want me to explain. Why does it matter? That was not my question.

I personally think.. the weekends should stay how it is, with the random occasion where you may go away etc.

But these week days need to change. I honestly don't see how this is fair at all. He has split form their mother so naturally it's not uncommon that they won't be seeing their daddy every single day unless he had full custody of them. I'm sorry but 2.30-6 that is a shift. And then when he comes home he will be having his down time, ur newborn will be going to bed. Then weekend he's occupied with his son that he's seen all week anyway!! That's some sort of bull shot. Sorry OP. I'm 26 too and I'm trying to put myself I. Your position. Actually I asked my husband and he said your partner is being unfair.

And I don't think their is nothing wrong with wanting alone time with her fiancé and their new born child? Come on? What woman wouldn't want some isolated days without having to look after another child. Don't be so close minded as if that is so ghastly to want and rare to be heard of.

I think once in the week and 2 weekends a month is perfectly acceptable for a off the books custody arrangement .
Ignore some of the comments x

I think you need to have a hard think about your future with him OP. Don't be THAT baby mama.

The mum works until 6 hence the 2:30-6 contact.

Op, I’m not sure when your dp sees his son, or where, but in answer to your question, yabu to expect him to spend time just with you and the newborn.
He has other children. You have another daughter. So you spend time with all your children and include everyone, all the time. You are one big family now. You don’t get to exclude anyone.

Op you're not extremely young.

You've picked a shit bloke. I think you'll find if you end the relationship he won't see the baby. I think you know this. It's up to you if you want to be with someone completely disinterested in your child.

8 pages in and I’m still confused about the set-up and the issue.

Mon-Fri - he spends 3.5hrs with his 2 kids and 1stepchild at their house. He then spends from 6pm onwards at your house with his child and step-child.
Sat-Sun - he brings 1 child (3yo) but not 9yo or 15yo back to your house and spends the weekend with them, his child with you and his step-child (with you).

Struggling to understand why there would be a need to not have the 3yo for a weekend? Is there a weekend he also has without your DD (his step child)? What difference does it make if the 3yo is there or not. I truly don’t understand. Wouldn’t you just work as a family unit with the 3yo each weekend just as if the 3yo was a joint bio child? Surely it’s important for the 3yo and your joint child to be brought up as siblings?

I think there are a few furphy’s here.
Not sure it makes any difference whatsoever the 3yo is a boy. I would think your DH is integrating him into the family of a weekend because he is part of the family, not any other reason.
Do the 9yo and 15yo actually want to spend time with their dad/stepdad on the weekend after seeing him for 3.5hrs each day during the week. I don’t know if any 15yo who would actually want to in addition to the ‘independent life’ they are now gaining. Same with 9yo. I’m guessing they feel they have their fill during the week and don’t want any more irrespective of sex/gender? The 3yo is not old enough to voice this and obviously mum is happy for dad to have him join your household as a family unit on a weekend. Probably to have a relationship with his younger sibling given dad goes to other kids house of a week.

I’m also guessing you think the 3yo is a pest as you have no experience managing toddlers and babies? While they obviously need to be supervised together they DO require interaction and nature has designed babies with the fact they have toddler/young child siblings. I think there may be an element of ‘precious baby’ here that parents of 2 kids (baby/toddler) don’t have the luxury of. Babies cope just fine with a poke here and there, cars being driven over them etc. In fact they love it and their sibling is generally their favourite person if you allow them to have that relationship.

The real issue seems to be DH pulling his weight generally with childcare and household tasks? This does not need to come at the expense of your kids, his kids etc. It also doesn’t require one child to be banished. It’s no different to any household with multiple kids. If you need a rest on weekends he can take all the kids out to the park for a while. He gets a rest and you take them all out. He cleans the bathroom while you keep them all entertained. You hoover while he keeps them all entertained.

Hi op it is 4am here now and i cant sleep! In your first post you sounded unreasonable. People ask for more details to get the bigger picture. All your posts since, answering questions you think are irrelevant, show that you are not being unreasonable at all and, in fact, your baby’s father is very, very unreasonable in his attitude and behaviour towards both his daughters.

Why not take you daughter out for the day at the weekend. Leave him to deal with his son. Leave him to feed, teach and play with him. Don’t take on the ‘boring’ parenting bits, like cooking a meal. He should be doing all the parenting, especially since you have a newborn.

This guy doesn't sound like a keeper.

@Mintjulia

Op, I’m not sure when your dp sees his son, or where

Maybe read the thread then, it's all there.

@HoppingPavlova

Is there a weekend he also has without your DD (his step child)?

Yes, she has said sometimes her DD goes to her grandma's or an aunt for a weekend.

@burnyburny dam are some type of a stalker?? 😂😂 I'm sorry if I meant to answer it on my post and I posted somewhere else, but I'm new here?
What r you 15 or 50?

@Debbie01 my situation is a bit different but I think we share the same wants, my partner has 3 children (2 bio and one is his step son complicated I know!) We now have a 18 month old son together. We have his 3 EOW and thursday for tea the weekend we do not have his children we do family stuff with our son and that's important as their are two family that need time and myself and our baby need time together alone also. There have been occasions where his children for whatever reason have asked to come to us on a weekend that they normally wouldn't for whatever reason and I have said that I'm not happy with that because we do a lot with them which is great and we all do get on really well but that weekend is time with their mum and siblings and our weekend is ours. Then their weekend with us is all about them and doing stuff they want to and that's fine. However my partner agrees with me and yours doesn't seem to see this point of view which is a shame but just so you know there is nothing wrong with wanting your family time alone. Xx

By your logic- his son should get two weekends a month without his or your daughter. Then the other two weeks he will spend with you, your children and not his son.

That would be 'fair' right. If one child deserves 1-on-1 then the other does right?