Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I want a weekend without my stepson. Selfish?

202 replies

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 20:54

Extremely confused. My fiance and I being together for a 1.5.years and actually living together since January and we just had a daughter a month ago. Yup, all really fast.
Well he has 3 kids of his own and I have one.
I always tell him to go spend time with his kids, that I'm ok with staying home that way they feel more comfortable n have him by theirselves, but today I asked him for something. He picks up his son, which is 2 years, every weekend and I ask him if could give us, me and his daughter, a weekend just for us two, meaning for him not to pick up his son 2 weekends out of the month. He exploded and he said hes not gonna do that, that that's his boy. Okay i said, then atleast give us one weekend. He said no as well.

Now, am I being selfish for wanting him to spend time with our new born daughter and myself only, atleast one weekend? Weekdays are difficult cause he works, then goes see his kids from like 230sh to 6 then comes home. And when he doesnt its cause hes working, which we dont see him either.
I feel like I shouldn't ask for this, but I also feel like we need time.

P.s. my daughter is 9 n lives with us. Her dad is not in the pic at all - I think diff. Is that she doesnt need my attention as much as his kid does. Also, keep in mind that he only spends time with him and doesnt see his other daughters (they all are from same mom).
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
brightfutureahead · 27/08/2019 09:22

He lives with your child

That won’t mean anything in a few years. He will just ignore her like he does his other daughters in favour of his son.
But of course as always with second children, the fact that he lives with his daughter full time, will just be used an excuse to shut down any upset she may have with her dad leaving her out in favour of her brother Hmm And once his son is a bit older too, it will just get worse because he’ll just be wanting to do all these father son things all the time.

Op, at the moment your baby doesn’t know, but she will. Hopefully you’ll see sense and kick him out and leave him to it.

WitchyMcpooface · 27/08/2019 09:28

Are you getting support from friends and family? I sense you maybe a little overwhelmed which happens when your tired. Are you getting out of the house? Are you having any time to yourself? Posters on here are very one dimensional, please don’t take the negative comments to heart, they’re not walking in your shoes right now and do not see the bigger picture. Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2019 09:39

timelord92 makes a good point re balance of time. Do you think he's working up to fighting for custody of DS? He has him 20 hours in the week plus all weekend, Mom must be getting a little bit before work, a lite bit after work and a few hours Sunday at most

AE18 · 27/08/2019 10:23

Just looking at the contact agreement, I wouldn't say that he should stop any of the weekends but would say it is not right if he is spending every single weekday evening at his son's house, meaning he is not present during any of your daughters waking hours during the week, because this is not an equal division of his time.

However, this is pretty much a moot point next to the absolute fuckery that is him not caring about any of his three daughters and elevating his son above them because that's "my boy", not "that's one of my four children who I love equally regardless of gender". You should absolutely not be with this awful, misogynistic man.

pazwaz70 · 27/08/2019 10:43

OP, why is he spending every day at their house? Surely he should be helping you with a newborn?
It's a strange set up,I would be questioning why he spends more time at his Ex Wife's home & not at yours!

TwentyEight12 · 27/08/2019 11:24

I think what you are saying is that you feel DP spends more time seeing his other children than he spends seeing you, your daughter and your new baby.

Basically, you are trying to figure out how to make the division of time fairer.

So he works in the week and sees his other children in their home from 2.30-6pm most weekday nights. Then he spends alone time with his son every weekend.

Ok, so how often do you see your DP and how often does he see your new baby and your child?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 27/08/2019 16:50

Of course it isn't okay to ask him to reduce his contact arrangement with his two year old son to suit you. Also bear in mind that little boy will love baby daughter and she will love her big brother. Why would you want to do that to dp, his son and your daughter?

Gingerkittykat · 27/08/2019 17:55

I can see why you are frustrated, he spends more time with his other kids than with your child together. On one hand the fact he is looking after them everyday shows he is stepping up and being a good dad and not leaving it all to the mum, on the other hand he is spending almost no time with your newborn.

I can see exactly why you want him to spend some more time with you and your daughter.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 27/08/2019 18:15

Who homeschools the 9 year old when her mum is at work Debbie01 ? That set up sounds impossible.

Did you notice difference in the relationship he has with his biological daughter and his son in the months you were with him before you became pregnant, or during your pregnancy?

Are you sure he isn't still in a relationship with his older daughter and son's mother? Why is he going over when she's home instead of the two of them working opposite shifts to cover homeschool and childcare if their two children between them?

Your baby's father sounds as though he's keeping you in the dark and feeding you shit...

The open, extreme, acted upon preference for male offspring sounds medieval and unforgivable.

Peanutbutterforever · 27/08/2019 18:35

Why doesn't their mother get to have them for any weekends?

peachgreen · 27/08/2019 19:04

This arrangement makes no sense. This whole thread makes no sense.

choli · 27/08/2019 19:52

Why is he going over when she's home instead of the two of them working opposite shifts to cover homeschool and childcare if their two children between them?
I read it that he is providing the childcare between school end for the 9 yr old and his ex returning from work at 6pm. It is the 15 year old who is homeschooled.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 27/08/2019 19:57

Nope choli yesterday at 22:46 she posted that the 9 year old is homeschooled

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 27/08/2019 20:03

The 9 year old can't be properly homeschooled if her mother works til 2pm.

She must be at a childminder or with another relative with the 3 year old.

Then both her parents are with her and her brother and sister from 2pm til 10pm.

What time do the 9 and 3 year olds go to bed?

I think the OP's baby daddy is lying to her and leading her advance all over the place.

He's still with his ex.

Why either of the mothers of his daughters would want him when he treats his daughters so shamefully is the biggest puzzle - they should both show him the door if they've any consideration for their daughters' self esteem.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 27/08/2019 20:03

*a dance not advance

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 27/08/2019 20:11

choli sorry you're right that his older children's mother works til 6 so he's not with the children at the same time as their mother!

However I was right that it's the 9 year old who's homeschooled.

How is she homeschooled? By whom if her mother's working? Is her father homeschooling her? That's a fairly significant fact if so!

Does her mother leave for work at 2:30 and get home at 6pm - so work about 2.5 hours per day? Or is she doing full time office hours - in which case we're back to who homeschools the 9 year old?

MyNewBearTotoro · 27/08/2019 20:38

When does your baby daughter get a weekend without your 9 year old daughter?

It’s unfair to ask him not to see his son, but that said he should be ensuring them some weekends are spent as a family and not always one-on-one with his kids so that his baby daughter is involved.

universitydreams · 27/08/2019 20:45

@Debbie01 OP, you’re literally having your daughter who isn’t your DHs child there.

You want it to be you, your daughter, your other child with DH and DH.

You’re excluding a child. How nasty

universitydreams · 27/08/2019 20:46

And I agree with PP.

If baby DD needs time with her dad and mum without SS, why doesn’t she need time without your older DD?

That’s very funny @Debbie01

AE18 · 27/08/2019 20:46

@universitydreams

Not nearly enough attention drawn in comments like that to the fact that her partner is excluding three of his four children because they're not boys.

Original poster
Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 21:17

@Tyersal Gosh I see that!! I'm new here and all these answers are making just cancel my account. Not because they say I'm selfish, that I understand, but just the way so many users talk(msg) about it and how they just want to keep knowing more that has nothing to do with my question lol.
I feel better now that I know I'm not the only one that thinks these people have no manners at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 21:18

@brightfutureahead thanks a lot for your helpful comment. I surely think the way you. And all because the newborn is not a boy.
His lost 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 21:20

@WitchyMcpooface thanks for the helpful comment, I see most of these comments are just hateful ones, I doubt it they even know what is it like.
I actually have a lot of support, but from other people rather than him. I feel like my issue here is that the newborn is not a boy and I always tell him that. Thanks for your comment:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 21:24

@AE18 thanks for ur comment.
I believe that's the issue too. It's just his boy.
Dont get me wrong, I'm with him, but I know one day he will be slap in the face for favoritism his boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Debbie01 · 27/08/2019 21:31

@pazwaz70 I actually tell him to go and spend time with them. Shes off at 6pm...probably gets there by 630🤷🏻‍♀️ and hes at our house by 5sh to 6.
Sometimes I think like you do right now and my brain gets on fire, but I choose to trust him and I know he needs his kids.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread