I want a weekend without my stepson. Selfish?

[Debbie01]

Extremely confused. My fiance and I being together for a 1.5.years and actually living together since January and we just had a daughter a month ago. Yup, all really fast.
Well he has 3 kids of his own and I have one.
I always tell him to go spend time with his kids, that I'm ok with staying home that way they feel more comfortable n have him by theirselves, but today I asked him for something. He picks up his son, which is 2 years, every weekend and I ask him if could give us, me and his daughter, a weekend just for us two, meaning for him not to pick up his son 2 weekends out of the month. He exploded and he said hes not gonna do that, that that's his boy. Okay i said, then atleast give us one weekend. He said no as well.

Now, am I being selfish for wanting him to spend time with our new born daughter and myself only, atleast one weekend? Weekdays are difficult cause he works, then goes see his kids from like 230sh to 6 then comes home. And when he doesnt its cause hes working, which we dont see him either.
I feel like I shouldn't ask for this, but I also feel like we need time.

P.s. my daughter is 9 n lives with us. Her dad is not in the pic at all - I think diff. Is that she doesnt need my attention as much as his kid does. Also, keep in mind that he only spends time with him and doesnt see his other daughters (they all are from same mom).
Any thoughts?

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting they are 3 9 and 15.
3 doesnt go to school, 9 is homeschooled, and 15 gets out at 2.
He goes to his exs house to see them from 230 to 6 which is the time she gets off from work.
During the weekend he only picks up his boy, cause apparently we dont have space. Which my house has 2 living rooms - if he really wanted them he could pick them up then drop them off before night since we really dont have extra room to sleep, or we can work out our room for them to sleep there, plus they live 2 blocks away.
I didnt expect anything. Pregnancy was not planned, i was on birth control, I was having health issues so i removed it, one month later in was pregnant, even after taking the plan b pill.
Honestly yes, it will be really difficult for me to let my daughter go with him and not have her with me

I am extremely young , 26

@Wolfiefan I meant I dont approve of him saying we dont have space. I have told him that before. And his daughters must feel like shit I agree..just the way their mom feels cause he doesnt pick them up. Just the way I feel for not spending time with new daughter. And just the way we both, ex n I, feel for him putting his son first over the daughters.

You sound younger than 26, you keep backing tracking 9n everything you say I cant even be bothered to go bk and re paste it. You and you're dp have let those dc down.

Well done everyone! Helpful comments as usual. NO you are not being selfish. Has everyone forgotten what it’s like to have newborn? Jeez guys, cut the OP some slack. She only wanted one weekend!

She only wanted one weekend! no she started off wanting 2 a month then dropped it to 1 a month

That isn't how fanikes work op. I have a 4 yo and am pregnant with twins. Once they're here I can't dump the 4 yo somewhere so we can have 121 time with the babies, we'll have to do it as a family.

He goes to his exs house to see them from 230 to 6 which is the time she gets off from work so who is homeschooling the 9yoand looking after the 3 yo before he gets there.

And 26 is not extremely young.

She could ask for two, three, four? It doesn’t make her selfish, it makes me wonder why?? Op are you coping ok with motherhood, not judging, just asking. I found it extremely hard after my son was born and I was 30! I asked then begged my H to give up one weekend a couple of times during the first six months. Families have different priorities at different stages. Sometimes you have to live in the moment and just roll with it.

I'm guessing op that what you are feeling unhappy with is the imbalance between the girls and his son. It appears he is showing favouritism to his boy, am I right in that assumption?
If he sees his son 7 days a week, I hardly think you are being unfair for asking for 1 weekend to be spent with your newborn. I'm guessing again he isn't much help with her?

Sorry but you are being unreasonable that is his son.

It’s not his sons fault that his mummy and daddy aren’t together and anytime he can spend with his dad shouldn’t be taken away. You chose to be with a man with kids and you chose to have another kid with him, sorry but time has to be shared equally between all kids. He spends everyday with your baby. You’re being very selfish and I applaud him for standing his ground!!

I wish my exh would want to spend time with his kids but only wants them on his allocated days and times nothing more! He even says his saturdays is for him as he works he needs a break! Pathetic. Can’t pick and choose when to be a parent.

Anyway I don’t mean to sound harsh, we are all entitled to our feelings and no one can tell us how to feel but from the outside it is very selfish and he will resent you for trying to lessen his time with his kids.

Have the girls ever said anything about not going?

I have some sympathy for you OP, although I don’t think you should ask parents to reduce contact time with their children.

Sounds like the set up you have suits nobody but the dad and that it’s all about his preferences and convenience.

Why doesn’t his other children’s mum ever get time with her son at the weekend? Is she ok with the arrangement? If I were that lady I’d be fuming about him only taking one child and I’d also want weekend time with the son. So I’d actually think an every other weekend arrangement with dad taking all kids, or at least his bio kids, would be normal.

Does he ever look after your baby girl alone? Do you get any time off? Does he take care of your baby along with his son at the weekend? Does he actually take care of his son, or does he expect you to do all of the childcare for all of the children in the house?

@sleepingstandingup the grandma is?
I'm not sure why do you keep asking for so many details. Does that even matter? I didnt know I had to say the whole life.
I should go back to my post.

@sleepingstandingup that's just plain nonsense if the 4 yr old is from your same marriage. And if I started with 2 was because that's what I wanted, but I also understand the situation.

@WitchyMcpooface I just like he doesnt pay enough attention.
Like tries to fulfilled them and us, but in the trying he neglects both of us (meaning families).
When hes here sat n sunday I literally have to get the newborn away from him cause the son gets upset

@purpleboy Yes you're correct!!! Its not only about my daughter, but the others too.
I know in my heart if it would of been a boy everything will be really different. He said it since the beginning he wanted a boy.

@londongirl07 That's the difference. He does not spend everyday all day with the newborn. If you read my post it says he sees his kids everyday for about 4 hours just about the same or more time that he sees the newborn , plus all weekends with his son.
If it was equal then it will be 2 weekends for him n 2 weekends for her, instead of 4 for him.
Right?

@MangosteenSoda I think that's my main thing here. He absolutely does not look after him when hes here. I feed them ofcourse, but he doesnt tell.him to pickup or to clean. Ofcourse I dont expect him to do it hes a toddler!! But dad doesnt do it either and I end up with it. Sundays afternoons the kid is just around and hes asleep resting, so when do I rest? I wouldn't mind at all if he actually takes responsibility of him.
That's exactly what I told him - get the weekends with all the kids n take them out have time with them or bring them.
I honestly dont leave the newborn with him, I have some type of anxiety by doing that. He doesnt tell no the son so there you have him In bed with shoes and cars right next to her head and I'm afraid hes gonna hit her.

Debbie, you will find that you have the occasional weekend to yourselves in the future, your partner's youngest child isn't going to be 2-3 forever and will develop a social life of his own. However I don't think the regular arrangements should be disturbed at the moment, it wouldn't be fair to the little boy. We all have to put our children first especially when they are still small.

Why not plan a weekend away for just the three of you? A mini vacation wouldn't be the same as you regularly having a weekend to yourselves, no one would complain if you planned to go somewhere. Though I wonder what you would do with your older daughter who might feel left out, unless she has things to do with friends. I expect your partner's two older children have arrangements of their own at weekends.

It's difficult to navigate these relationships, you can't please everybody all the time. I can see all points of view. Think about it, you have a little baby who is loved and lives with you both, your man's son is not much more than a baby and needs the security of knowing his dad wants him. Dad has to be reliable. The present situation won't last forever so make the best of it while it does.

YABU given your daughter lives with you full time and does not see her dad EOW. I would be a little more understanding if your daughter was away EOW, then what you are requesting would actually be true. But YABVU your DSS is only 2.

Normally, I try on this section to make sure I’m not falling for the mumsnet “anti-stepmom” brigade.

But honestly, YABU.
It doesn’t matter how hard you try and explain it what it will sound like to your bf is that you want him to spend less time with his son. You say he favours his sons over his daughters, well then that isn’t going to go down well.

He sounds like a shit dad and partner.
Of course you shouldn't ask him to see his son less. You should be asking why he doesn't see his dds.

It would make sense to integrate his children with his new family, so ywbu to tell him to spend time away with the boy. He should spend the time in his home.

But you have a legitimate demand that he does his share of parenting at home and doesn't add to your burden.

In summary,, if it's for life, make sure to integrate his children in your family life as your own, ensure he parents all of them too and does his fair share at home.
Forget time alone with him and baby. This wouldn't work if all the children were from both of you.
Keep talking about what's working and what doesn't. And how to bring the family all together. No exclusions and no going away.
You're a family. He's your partner. Both of you should act like it.

Are you going to send your daughter away for a weekend a month? Of course not.

He lives with your child and likely is financially supporting the, yet you begrudge him seeing his own child at the weekends?

Actually I just wodnered if your partner was just being disingenuous about all the time he's there alone with the kids.

When hes here sat n sunday I literally have to get the newborn away from him cause the son gets upset you're storing up problems for later. The 2 yo needs to understand Daddy has more than him, that baby is his sister and thst he has to share. I actually think that's on your DP not you BTW, and given everything se plus the fa t he doesn't even cook or tidy up after the kids, I think the thing is you have a DP problem.. He needs to grow up.

I find it weird that he goes every week day to see them there and doesn't bring them to your home.

If he won't bring all the children together because he says there isn't any room he shouldn't be bringing the 2 year old on his own. If that was me if bring them all for the day then take them all back home so he has equal amounts with them all (that's bearing in mind they all want that level of contact).

With regards to the wanting some time at the weekends I think you are right. Most people have the every other weekend set up with a day here and there in the day so that both parents get good amounts of time with the children. I find it strange that the mother doesn't want her 2 year old with her to do some fun things at the weekend especially if the other girls are there too.

There are a few comments on here saying that if the 2 year old was yours you wouldn't be able to whisk him off somewhere else but you are in a blended family so the normal rules of a traditional family don't apply as there is another mother who also has time with her child. Also, there are a lot of grandparents that have their grand children overnight to not only spend some time with them but to give the parents some alone time. We are even going away for a long weekend next year and my mum is having our daughter. I don't see it as vastly different to you wanting some time alone with your partner as it sounds like you never get a break. And guess what, my step daughters mother is having her daughter while this happens too.

No you aren't being selfish but you were never going to get supportive answers or people seeing your view on here