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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want a weekend without my stepson. Selfish?

202 replies

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 20:54

Extremely confused. My fiance and I being together for a 1.5.years and actually living together since January and we just had a daughter a month ago. Yup, all really fast.
Well he has 3 kids of his own and I have one.
I always tell him to go spend time with his kids, that I'm ok with staying home that way they feel more comfortable n have him by theirselves, but today I asked him for something. He picks up his son, which is 2 years, every weekend and I ask him if could give us, me and his daughter, a weekend just for us two, meaning for him not to pick up his son 2 weekends out of the month. He exploded and he said hes not gonna do that, that that's his boy. Okay i said, then atleast give us one weekend. He said no as well.

Now, am I being selfish for wanting him to spend time with our new born daughter and myself only, atleast one weekend? Weekdays are difficult cause he works, then goes see his kids from like 230sh to 6 then comes home. And when he doesnt its cause hes working, which we dont see him either.
I feel like I shouldn't ask for this, but I also feel like we need time.

P.s. my daughter is 9 n lives with us. Her dad is not in the pic at all - I think diff. Is that she doesnt need my attention as much as his kid does. Also, keep in mind that he only spends time with him and doesnt see his other daughters (they all are from same mom).
Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Napqueen1234 · 26/08/2019 21:30

YABU. I dare say in 2 years you’ll be negotiating how often he sees your newborn DD to fit in around a new pregnant partner and previous kids...

KTCluck · 26/08/2019 21:31

Congratulations on your baby. It’s probably down to the hormones, but YABVVU. Why is your newborn daughter more important than his son that she needs ‘weekend time’ without her brother there? Do you send your 9 year old away for a weekend? If you had a 2 year old yourself would you be sending them away? If you have another baby would you feel that that baby would be missing out by your DD being there?

YANBU to wish that you could have a weekend to yourselves without a toddler who isn’t yours to run round after, but YABU to actually ask him not to pick his son up.

The poor boy already has his time with his dad limited and now has to share him with a baby when he does see him. When you choose to be with someone who already has children you have to accept that family time will include those children. Just because you and your newborn’s dad are still together this does not make your new DD more important than your SS.

Imagine if you split up and he goes on to have another child with someone else. Would you think it reasonable if he said he couldn’t see DD because he wanted ‘weekend time’ with his new family? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t.

I totally understand it must be hard having a toddler and a newborn at the weekends, but please don’t make him choose your DD over his DS. That are both equal to him and he shouldn’t have to.

joystir59 · 26/08/2019 21:31

You are a blended family OP. You need to embrace his children as your own and vice versa. Nothing else will work

Cloudyyy · 26/08/2019 21:32

That’s exactly what I said! My husband doesn’t spend one weekend every four just with me and our newborn! We are a family so we have our older DC with us as well His son is his family and should be included in your weekend family time along with your older daughter, why is that so difficult to understand? I cannot understand the situation with his other daughters - SO HORRIBLE!!

Tiredtessy · 26/08/2019 21:34

Why dont you give your daughter away for the weekend so the boy has a weekend with just you 2? What would you do if he had full custody of said boy or are you saying the other 3 girls dont get a look in? If so you've made a rod for your own back cos hes a shit dad and you knew that and it will never change

Dippypippy1980 · 26/08/2019 21:36

Please tell me this is a wind up?

You don’t want to have to cope with two small children, so this little boy has to see less of his dad - who he barely sees as it is?

But your daughter gets to be there all the time? And your new baby gets to be with his dad all the time too?

How would you feel if he said he wanted alone weekend a month without your daughter - sure it’s only a weekend. She could go somewhere else.

The wicked mother stereotype does have some real life applications😩

Wolfiefan · 26/08/2019 21:37

Not entirely sure why you’ve chosen to have a child with the sort of person who has either ditched his daughters or has behaved so badly to them that they don’t want to see him.
This was entirely predictable. Start planning to do this alone. Eventually you’ll probably have to.

SuzieQ10 · 26/08/2019 21:37

Sounds like you shouldn't have rushed straight in. Lots of children's needs to consider. SS 's time with his father shouldn't be reduced because you quickly had another child before adapting properly to being a blended family.

KTCluck · 26/08/2019 21:38

Sorry, missed the part about him not seeing his other two daughters. How old are they OP? As it sounds like he sees them all through the week, are they older and don’t want to see him at the weekend? I certainly wanted to spend less time at my dads at a weekend in my teens. I wanted to be out with my friends. If not, then is still think YABU to think he should reduce time with his son for your DD but he certainly should be seeing them all reasonably equally and I’d have concerns about his suitability as a father if there’s no valid reason why.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2019 21:40

There’s a lot of unanswered questions here so if your not going to bother engaging with people OP I’m not sure what the point is.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 26/08/2019 21:41

I feel like I shouldn't ask for this

You shouldn’t.
The poor boy.

Techway · 26/08/2019 21:42

How did you meet this man and was he even separated from his Ex?

How old are the other children?

I suspect you feel he leaves all the housework and DC care to you every weekend and during the week so no doubt you are exhausted. Do you have family support? You may have made a big mistake moving so quickly with this man but you are now so vulnerable it is not really the time to make decisions.

He should not have exploded at you for making a suggestion as this isn't a healthy reaction. Is he often angry or since you had a baby, sadly abusive men tend to start behaviour during pregnancy or shortly afterwards.

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:43

Alright everyone, let me rephrase.
His 3 kids are from the same mom (tech 2 kids r his cause the 3rd one it's his step daughter) The three kids live together with their mom.
He sees all 3 everyday from 230 to 6.
During the weekends he only brings his son.
Also, his son is about to be 3, meaning I met him 1.5 years ago when he was 1.5 years old.
And I'm not saying for him not to spend time with his children. Never that. I'm just asking for a weekend for his other child.

OP posts:

Henrysnoopy · 26/08/2019 21:47

Where you the ow by any chance? He left a small child and his twos dds got you pregnant and then you're playing house together and suddenly only want you're two precious dds not his dc. Do you not see the irony in youre post when youre complaining about him favouring his child. Its unclear why the girls dont see him as you dont want to answer that. I'm guessing because they are older and saw you take there dad away and made a new family. He should continue the regular access to his son. You got with a man who had dc you cant expect to him to send his son away and keep you're dd there from a previous relationship. Here have

Wolfiefan · 26/08/2019 21:48

But your son has all week with his dad and at his age couldn’t care less. Sounds more like you want you to be the priority.
Honestly you’ve jumped into this complicated situation with rose tinted glasses firmly on and now you expect your perfect new family to be the most important thing. It’s not.
Give it a few years and it’ll be AIBU not to expect my ex to dump our DD because he’s had a new baby.

lunar1 · 26/08/2019 21:49

How often are you planning to send your daughters away so your partner gets time without them?

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:50

@areukiddingme haha...I didnt..who would?
It happened.

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 26/08/2019 21:51

Sorry, I’m confused, do you not live together?

RLOU30 · 26/08/2019 21:52

You should have thought about this before or when you found out you were preg if it wasn't planned. Just because you have had his latest (and I doubt last) child doesn't mean he had to spend any less time with his elder dcs

MsSquiz · 26/08/2019 21:54

If you want a weekend just you, him and your newborn, where are you sending your 9 year old daughter that weekend?

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:56

@Henrysnoopy haha I been answering if you see the comments. And no, I was not the OW or whatever yal call it, I'm not familiarized with these short terms, but I did not broke their fam if that's what it means. And i never said he doesnt see his daughters...I said he only takes the son on the weekends. He doesn't take the girls because of the "space".

OP posts:

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:57

@MsSquiz she stays with her grandma and aunts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:58

@InsertFunnyUsername you're right. Thanks

OP posts:

Henrysnoopy · 26/08/2019 21:58

Well surely if it space why doesn't you're dd from the previous relationship go away and stay with you're family so his dd can visit there dad? Of course you wouldn't so why expect his son to?

Original poster

Debbie01 · 26/08/2019 21:59

@Napqueen1234 him not seeing my kid will be better honestly.

OP posts:

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