I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

Ok, I am not a stepmom, but a former stepdaughter. Look, you may have post-partum. I had it, and it sucked, but it really made me clingy to my kid.

If you don't want to be with a man with kids other than yours, divorce him, you shouldn't have married him. But, you are punishing a practical baby for your husband's and his ex's failures.

You cannot expect "I love my husband, hate his kids-- he should give them up!"

I can honestly say I think I feel the same as you.

I don’t really have any feelings towards my SD, I don’t love her, at times I can barely tolerate her.

Don’t feel like you have to love a SC. Some people have different feelings, neither is right or wrong.

It’s hard when you’re not on the same page as your husband with issues. Perhaps sit down and discuss the issues with him and remember you’re on the same team.

I don’t have a magic answer to this issue as I’m currently going through something similar and have been for the last 5 years.

If you feel that way about his kid, you shouldn't be together. Period.

His kid comes first, not you.

I know how difficult a step mother can be (as one myself) and its ok to feel to feel ambivalent towards your DSS but please focus on changing how you feel rather than accepting it as a given.

My advice to you would be to fake it until you make it. Imagine he is your adopted son - it's not an instant bond, it takes time, love, nurturing and consistency. At first it feels contrived. You might not love him but act like you do. Care for him like you do, spend time and interest in him like you do and then one day you might just realise you actually do (as happened to me and it was an amazing feeling). This poor boy has had such drama in his short life he needs more not less love, care and attention. He is your son's brother for his whole life - making it a close relationship is a gift to them both. I can also guarantee you that you will much better about yourself and your situation. Good luck.

I am a SM and understand the feelings of resentment sometimes, but really you will make yourself more bitter if you go down this rabbit hole of jealousy.
I agree with the last post whole heartedly!

Op I had a bit of postnatal dep and I masibly struggled with x3 stepkids. Still do and we were close before. Some of it is that I'm at work and don't have the energy to parent a baby and three others that aren't mine as well. I just don't.
Speak to hv and to your dp. It's okay to feel how you do, despite what others say, it really is. But you can do something to change it. My health visitor assured me. It was normal and okay. So that did help.
I'm better outside of the house and a weekends with stepkids than in the week as I feel less pressured and closed in /have time to take time out. Could that work for you.? Also he has a dad. Could his dad take him and his brother out to play somewhere like a nature centre or swings or the zoo/sealifr and give u a break?

Also if it helps. I love that my baby has siblings who love him. His little face lights up when he sees them. Focus on that: your baby has a built in playmate and that's pretty cool.
It helps me when I'm having a bad day!

I don't think you're evil OP. You're a human who has feelings. They aren't always rational but it doesn't make us bad people.

I can see where you're coming from. I went through a lot of fertility problems and it lead to me going through a stage of feeling differently about my SC. I wouldn't say I resented them but it definitely would have made my life easier emotionally if they weren't around and I did become bitter and look forward to our time without them.

I feel awful admitting it but that's how I felt. I'm not a bad person, I was going through an awful time and my thoughts weren't always rational.

You would be unreasonable if you acted on the way you're feeling but it doesn't sound like you do, it sounds like you try hard to look after this little boy. You would be unreasonable if you just accepted the way you felt and didn't question it, but you aren't. You're here asking for advice and admitting you know the way you're feeling isn't good.

I have come out the other side of the way I was now and we continue to have a good relationship (me and the children) and I actually look forward to their time here more now.

Do I love them like my own children? No I don't. That's me being honest. I think people's expectations of step mother's can be far too high in this regard.

Would I care if I never saw them again? Yes I would. But like another poster said, my world wouldn't stop. I certainly don't miss them like DH does when they are at their mums. It wouldn't bother me if contact didn't happen for a few weeks for example whereas DH would miss them a lot and be desperate to see them.

There's so much pressure on SMs to be oh so perfect all the time, love SCs like their own children, never think anything remotely negative about them or their behavior etc... But it doesn't always work like that. Don't beat yourself up. You know you need to work on the way you're feeling and I hope you do and manage to come through this for your sake and your DSS's.

Try and sift through the hysterics and find the good constructive advice on this thread. I do think you need some help working through these complicated feelings and support in separating them out as so much isn’t about the boy himself, he’s in danger of becoming the scapegoat and you want to be fixing that before it has time to start happening. Also you might need some support in yourself to avoid you getting pnd.

OP, sorry, but this is pretty monstrous and I don’t understand why other posters have validated your feelings just because you’ve been ‘honest’. Bottom line is you don’t like your little stepson as he takes financial resources away from your own child, notwithstanding that he existed before you came onto the scene and has every right to his father’s financial support.

Thread is over a year old.

@Fiercemamabear86

Its hard- I get that, I am Step "mum" (not married)to two little girls. I find the feeling I have confusing- I don't love them. They are sweet enough but i don't feel anything really.

try and talk to someone- i think its unfair of people eon here to say your thoughts are wrong- they aren't- they are your thoughts and you are entitled to feel how ever you want.

I think maybe look at counselling? This is something i am toying with- not with my partner but alone. Being a step parent is hard- these children come into your life- you never asked for them and then you are expected just to love them and be pleased they are around- its hard work. I hope you feel better soon XX

I know this is a zombie but this:

In the eyes of the law still married and effectively committing adultery

Aghahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha 😂😂😂😂

Did this ever get better?

Don't listen to these judgy people they are obviously not in the same situation and shouldn't comment as it doesn't help at all!

They are probably the mums of the damn children they are pandering over making this situation extremely hard and they don't understand..

Well I feel very sorry for your son as he grows if you're that nasty about his stepbrother. As for 'paying through the nose for maintenance', you're disgusting. My kids dad pays hardly a penny and I'm grateful for the small amount he gets forced to pay me, but men should pay. Why should women have to buy everything for the child ffs.

I don't particularly like my bf's 5yo 🤷‍♀️ he really irritates me. I don't really want to be around anyone else's children either tbh. Thankfully, we don't live together and never will.

I think the only answer is that you and your DSS are stuck with one another so you really need to work on changing your attitude, appreciate that none of this is if the DSS choosing, and if that fails, change your circumstances.
Your attitude at the moment is very negative towards him, how would you feel knowing another woman who had care of your baby felt like that ?
He needs patience, kindness and understanding, it will probably get easier once your baby is older, the two of them will probably become good friends. Your treating him like some kind of threat, he isn' t, he' s a typical five year old.
I personally do not believe humans are wired/ programmed to raise other peoples kids, some do manage to do a good job of it, but alot don' t.

This is the zombie thread to end all zombie threads.

I doubt the situation is still the same for OP 3 years on, one way or another, so maybe we just let sleeping dogs lie. Nobody would want to be reminded of this...

I feel for you OP. In my 1st marriage I had two step daughters, although older than your Step Son and I could’ve written some of your post. My marriage ultimately failed because my SD’s told my ex that they didn’t want any half siblings and he went along with that. I couldn’t help but blame them that I remained childless and had to get out.

Have you spoken to your husband at all about your feelings?

I think you shouldn't be in this little boys life Tbh, there's a reason he's the way he is and it's all down to how he's being treated by the grown ups in his life. He knows how you feel about him much though you think you hide it, poor baby.

Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn

this is very disturbing, why would the system take that into account, he is this child’s father, and has a responsibility to financially support him. End of. How much isn’t based on what the others earn so he can get away with less.

I also found this very hard to read, to take against a little child like this, just because you want a little family unit without him and want more money, it’s so selfish and unacceptable.

my dd is 5 and couldn’t imagine someone having such spiteful feelings towards her. He was there before you and your son. He’s friggin 5 years old!

You should never have had a baby with someone when you have such strong negative feelings against his existing child. Or when you can't afford to adequately house all of you - don't blame your stepson for the fact you live in a small house. Its not his fault you added another child to the mix without thinking about how you were going to pay for everything.

I very much doubt he hoped your baby would die. My dc is 6 and they say stupid things sometimes. They're still learning about the world and if they're anxious about stuff it comes out in weird ways.

That poor little boy has been through his parents breaking up, an acrimonious divorce and now has a new baby brother and a stepmum who hates him. No wonder he seeks attention.

How do you cope with it? You realise that your current situation is entirely due to your own choices and not the fault of a small child. I'm a stepparent and it took a long time to recognise that while the ex may be a royal pain in the arse and that paying towards dsc was sometimes difficult to manage, none of it was the childs fault.

ZOMBIE.

I remember this thread first time round.

There are a couple of things in your post which resonate with me strongly OP and I think some of the more negative comments may be because some people may not know what it's like to be very hard up - which it sounds like you may be? I was in a similar situation ( marriage didn't last). We barely had enough money for our own family. Our children had very few toys and those that they had were precious. It was important that my H paid child support but very difficult to be happy with it when we were struggling and the ExW was quite well off in her new marriage. It was all made more difficult for me as I was the main earner and my H used to take all the children out and then spend twice as much on my SS "as there is only one of him and two of the others". I recognise your feelings. All I can suggest is that you put most of your child's toys away when your SS comes to visit and you take your child's toys away from your SS if he finds them BUT it is very important that you do that the other way around as well when your child is older. And - you just need to fake it until you make it - treat your SS as you would treat your own child. It won't be easy but quite frankly it's not always easy with a child you have given birth to! You will understand more as your own child gets older, they will most likely also do some of the things the older child is doing now. Nobody can be blamed for the way they feel, just for how they act on it. Oh - and for the poster who suggested splashing the cash on counselling.... 😂😂😂😂😂😂 from experience - if you are counting the days until pay day this is really NOT an option!