I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

If it was any other problem, as in "i have realised im treating my oh like shit but ive recognised it and want advice on how to change" youd be giving advice on how to change and not name calling and putting down.

This is no different. Op has asked for help. She wants to change.

Being a stepparent is very difficult op and you have my sympathies. Emotions are all over the place after having a baby and existing feelings can feel exacerbated.
I do wonder if this will ever change. You may be much happier not having to think or worry about being a stepparent anymore, and that will only ever happen if you aren’t with your dp. You could go through counselling to try and work through your feelings and try to make changes, but I think when you get to this point you’re at now you really need to think about your own mental health and whether going down that route is worth it. It may feel a little bit better for a while and then something will happen again and it will trigger these feelings of resentment again.

I say just have a fresh start and concentrate on you and your baby. I bet you’d feel like a big fog has lifted away out of your head.

It doesnt come naturally to love other peoples children

This isn't about loving other people's children, it's about resenting and wishing your own step child didn't exist,

And no matter how much you shout it is the norm, it's not. It's simply your norm.

bluntness

its not my norm actually, so please don't assume. I have had fleeting moments in the past 6-7 years where I have resented the situation, I don't love DSS like my own son and I never will.

I think the really important part that you are deliberately ignoring is that OP HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THIS AND WANTS TO CHANGE.

Her feelings are normal for someone in that situation, and the fact she wants to change them is really positive.

You're just making yourself look really ignorant by ignoring the advise and opinion of people who have been there and done that and know how it feels and have come out of the other side.

Dss is 14 and our relationship is fine, fwiw.

Well we will need to disagree that it's normal to wish your step kids didn't exist and resent them, no matter how little they are, but you keep on flying the flag for it. Go you.

im flying the flag for beaten down step parents who are TRYING.

What part of OP KNOWS THIS IS WRONG are you not getting?

or are you just conveniently ignoring it?

she wants to change, is that not ok either?

flamingo

The point is, that’s not enough. This isn’t like being in denial about addiction, or wanting to lose weight, or any similar deeply held habit. In those circumstances, acknowledging the problem is often the first step to recovery.

It’s no big deal at all that the OP acknowledges her feelings and has written about them on an Internet forum. While she’s doing that, possibly with a view to doing something about her feelings, this 5yo child’s life is going on in the same way. Who’s the child here?

so she wants to change and be a good step parent but that's not good enough?

what would be good enough? baring in mind she cannot turn back time?

honestly this place. delusional.

flamingo. On threads like this, there’s no point. It’s all very one dimensional and deeply judgemental. Hopefully the poor OP has taken advice from the few of us who have genuinely tried to help.

If we lived in the stone ages, the stepparents board on mumsnet is the very real embodiment of people who called people they didn’t understand witches and had us burned at the stake. They weren’t the most insightful then and I doubt many of them moved on since them. What can you do?

I also pointed out that she treats the child well when he is in her care.
I know, I did read your posts. My point was that no matter how much you smile in the child's presence, they will be able to tell if your hatred is so strong that you wished they didn't even exist. Speaking from first hand experience here. So saying that she treats him well in his presence is a bit irrelevant. Living/spending lots of time with someone who hates you is only going to damage you.

so she wants to change and be a good step parent but that's not good enough?

If a mum who smoked 50 a day around her kids wanted to change and be a good parent, would that be enough? Or would she actually have to stop the damaging behaviour?

Or would she actually have to stop the damaging behaviour?

well the whole point is that she wants to so presumably she will..

why do you think she wont?

do you know something about op that we don't?

well the whole point is that she wants to so presumably she will.. why do you think she wont?do you know something about op that we don't?

You were the one who said wanting to be a good parent was good enough. So I replied saying that wanting to be a good parent isn't good enough, you have to actually be one.

The fact that she hates her step child to the point that she wishes he doesn't exist is the damaging behaviour, because whether she thinks she's displaying it or not she definitely is. The only way that she'll stop thinking this way is if she convinces herself that he deserves to exist or through intensive therapy. I doubt her feelings are going to go away through a nice cosy chat with her husband about how much she hates his son and wishes he would disappear so they could have more money and her son doesn't have to share his toys

So unless the OP is convincing herself to think otherwise or going to therapy, no I don't necessarily think that she's stopped or tried to stop her damaging behaviour. Especially if money is such an issue when it's spent on her stepson how is she going to afford therapy?

by wanting to change I mean wanting to change and actually taking actions to do that (which is pretty bloody obvious isn't it!)

you're being deliberately obtuse to prove your point....

maybe she cant afford therapy but she might not even need therapy, I think you're making this out to be so so much worse than it actually is.

The money is an issue not even directly related to the child himself, and honestly just reminding yourself to hate the situation and not the child can really improve your mindset.

If you haven't been through this I think its unfair to assume what kind of "treatment" you think OP needs.

stealth yep you're right! I imagine I would have been drowned long ago if it was down to the decision of mumsnetters!

by wanting to change I mean wanting to change and actually taking actions to do that (which is pretty bloody obvious isn't it!)

It's actually not. I've met many a parent who is damaging their child yet spit out the bullshit of 'oh but I want to be a good parent! I want to change' then do fuck all. Wanting to change and actually changing are completely different things. You've never met someone who tells you how much they want to lose weight all the time then never actually do it, for example?

maybe she cant afford therapy but she might not even need therapy, I think you're making this out to be so so much worse than it actually is. If you haven't been through this I think its unfair to assume what kind of "treatment" you think OP needs.

Maybe if you haven't been through living with someone who you know hates you and wishes you didn't even exist(like I have) then you shouldn't be minimising the effects it can have on you.

It gave me extreme anxiety that has lasted into adulthood. She tried to be 'nice' around me but it was obvious that she wished I didn't exist. And the effects of her damaging behaviour are still here and I'm 38 now. So yeah I do think it requires more than trying a 'different mindset' by yourself because her feelings need to change drastically, and fast before she damages the child even more. Which is why I think further action needs to be taken.

well I thought it was obvious, and just because you know a load of old bullshitters, doesn't mean OP is one. She's posted because she needs help.

Sweetheart, don't be so quick to assume. I actually did live with someone who resented my very existence for quite some time so I unfortunately know a lot about it. Hence my very different approach at step parenting than his. I don't think im minimising at all. But then he didn't care for me like op does, didn't even speak to me for the most part, actually.

I'm sorry that its given you extreme anxiety, but its not the case for everyone is it? I think your experience is also clouding your view of this thread and I can now understand why you have attacked OP so viciously.

by further action you clearly think she should leave, but what will that actually achieve? that little boy will see it as someone else abandoning him and daddy will probably just move the next one in. He will never get his birth family back together.

well I thought it was obvious, and just because you know a load of old bullshitters, doesn't mean OP is one. She's posted because she needs help.

I didn't say OP was a bullshitter. You said that it's obvious that the OP is going to change if she says she wants to change, and I pointed out that isn't true.

Sweetheart, don't be so quick to assume.

Don't patronise me, please. You're the one who told me first that it's unfair to say what help OP needs, assuming that I've never been a step parent when I have. So maybe you should listen to your own advice.

I don't think im minimising at all.

You've said it really isn't as bad as I think it is. I think it's quite damaging, and I think saying that a hatred and a will for someone to no longer exist aren't that bad is minimising.

But then he didn't care for me like op does, didn't even speak to me for the most part, actually.

In what way does the OP care about her stepson? She resents his mere existence!

I'm sorry that its given you extreme anxiety, but its not the case for everyone is it? I think your experience is also clouding your view of this thread

Are you trying to suggest that because I had a bad experience I can't see clearly what is happening in this situation? Do only non damaged people have valuable contributions, then? Surely a person who has been in the same situation as the child in the OP's life would give a valuable insight into the potential effects? If anything I understand more what the potential damaging effects are to children in this predicament.

And obviously not everyone gets extreme anxiety but obviously there is going to be some kind of effect on you if you are living with someone who you can sense has a hatred for your existence.

I can now understand why you have attacked OP so viciously

Bullshit. Please give an example where I have attacked the OP viciously.

that little boy will see it as someone else abandoning him and daddy will probably just move the next one in

How on bloody earth do you know that? Do you know something about the OP's husband that we don't?

And personally I think a child is better off in the care of somebody that thinks he should be here on this planet instead of fucking off so her kid doesn't have to share his toys.

Genuine question, but if someone is nice to you and hides their feelings, how can you know they don’t like you? Fake it till you make it and all that.

I manage to put on a smiley face to people I would rather not be around, so how would they know I don’t really like them if I hide it well?

How do children pick up on this more than adults? Again genuine question. I thought children would be more oblivious if anything.

Genuine question, but if someone is nice to you and hides their feelings, how can you know they don’t like you? Fake it till you make it and all that. I manage to put on a smiley face to people I would rather not be around, so how would they know I don’t really like them if I hide it well? How do children pick up on this more than adults? Again genuine question. I thought children would be more oblivious if anything.

It's a good question. I'd say it's quite different to putting on a smiley face to someone you don't really like e.g. an acquaintance because when you actually live with someone, or spend a great deal of time with them it's impossible to hide your feelings if they are hateful enough to the extent that you wish they didn't exist. You can tell by the way they look at you, the way they hug you, the way they talk to you. Obviously with kids it's more noticing when they cuddle their baby all day and tell them how much they love them, but don't look at you much, or you can tell by the way they act towards you.

Or a child can easily notice if a step parent was loving and caring towards them before, but after they have their baby they change. Kids, even as young as 5, can notice a change in how people feel towards them. They might smile but you can tell they don't like you. There's a coldness there. You can't really fake caring about a child if you hate them so much you wish they didn't exist.

So im lying as well now am i?

Ps im not at all in the same situation as op so theres no reason why id feel like she does.

I have been that child but no tbh it didnt damage me. I was older than the ops ss though.

Im going to leave this thread now because im not going to be accused of lying.

You're the sort of person I dreaded my ex meeting because of our son. Luckily his partner is a lovely woman who loves my son as much as she loves her own daughter.

Very convenient that flaming decides to flounce instead of responding to my post