I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

Christ this thread is judgy.

diagnosing the op with anxiety and postnatal depression and telling her she needs therapy.

As much as the ex wives club don't want to hear it, these feelings are normal and I do not know one step parent who in RL did not feel like this at one time or another.

5 year olds are hard work. They are harder work when they are not yours. When you have to do everything for them and you get nothing back. 5 year olds are obviously selfish because they know no better. The way he has been brought up by the sounds of it does not help the situation, but if his mother has also noticed that this is a problem then that's really positive.

I think its also natural for your feelings to change for a step child when you have a biological child. I'm sorry, but you will obviously feel differently for a biological child, unless maybe you have brought up your step child from birth and their bio parent is not at all involved. Pre having your own kids you obviously don't know how different the love is, and when you then have your own child its obviously highlighted. You protect your own child fiercely without even thinking about it, its a biological reaction. I don't think its easy to teach yourself to be like that about another child, who has 2 perfectly good parents of his own.

Its not an amazing situation op, and you need to take your issues with the money away from the child. Whilst I do agree with you that maintenance is sometimes not calculated fairly, and leaves one party skint whilst the other is living the high life, its not your step sons fault. Hell, he probably has no concept of money at this point in his life.

I do understand your feelings and you really should ignore those who say this is abnormal, because in my experience it really isn't. Its something that nobody wants to admit for fear of seeming heartless. You're not heartless, or a bad person, you're struggling which again is very normal within blended families, especially for step mums.

Hate the situation, that's fine. I have hated my situation one hundred million times. Try not to hate the child. He has not done any of this, he wont even be aware of any of this.

also saying " you need to leave" is absolutely fucking stupid.

Ah yes, you need to leave. Ok, so by leaving you wont see the child any more, but your life will still be dictated by that child, and its parents, as ill best my last £ that your maintenance, your access etc is worked around the "Original" child.

but of course, on mumsnet, nobody gives a shit about you or your child and the impact on them.

Just leave, split your family up, over a really common issue that will likely resolve itself over time as it does for a lot of step families.

Have you seen any pictures/videos of him when he was a baby? Could you ask your husband to tell you stories about him being little? I find I really bond with children that I have seen grow up vs new kids on the scene that are already 4, 5+ etc. Maybe you can learn more about his early years and see how tiny and innocent he was and that might create a bit of a soft spot in your heart for him.

My boys are 4 and 5 and they are a lot like you describe, spoiled, ungrateful, steal their baby sister toys, etc. And they are my own kids!! But I love them like crazy and we have a bond that could never be broken. I think you just need to work on kindling that bond with him.

One thing I'm doing with my boys now is watching an episode each night of a special Netflix show after dinner. We cuddle up and it's our special time. It sounds so dumb but maybe you can come up with an activity or ritual that you both would enjoy and it might bring you closer. Another thing we do is they help me give the baby a bath at night and it's always cute and fun and helps them bond with this new baby that steals a lot of attention away from them.

For every 5 minutes of attention you give DSS now you will probably get a year of decent behaviour when he is 12 or 14 or 16.5 or even 8.

These early years are the most important in any DCs development. What has happened and how he behaves is not his fault. But over the years he will be either living with you or at the very least expecting financial support from DH until he is 18, or, if he is a damaged, troublemaking drug taker (possible scenario of unloved badly disciplined child) he will need financial support and also living support for all of DH's life. This means he will also be in your life and your DS's life ( and probably having a major influence on DS behaviour).
You really need to switch off your natural instincts and fake it until you make it. Pretend you love him, pretend you are not fazed by his rudeness/ laziness etc etc. You need to win him round for your own sake and the upshot could be a lovely big brother for your son.

But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I think OP is getting a hard time here. If this is how she feels, this is how she feels. All that matters - just like someone working in a school - is how she behaves. OP - in your shoes, I would just concentrate on what I needed to do. You must be polite, kind and considerate of this child’s relationship with your DH. Just concentrate on that. You aren’t his mother, so there’s no shame in not feeling as though you are. Can you spend some time with your own child when he is here and give him some one on one time with his dad? Are there friends you could meet up with and take the baby (again, so the little boy can have special time with his dad)? Might be helpful all round.

So this little boy has seen his parents split up, a new SM a new SD a new baby, start school. I think he's had to cope with a lot more than the adults around him and to top it all a SM that doesn't want him around. Grow up OP.

I think counselling would be really helpful.

I'm not saying that in a judgmental way - I think you've recognised that your feelings are disproportionate and hugely detrimental to your relationship. You haven't been able to "just snap out of it" by yourself. Talking through how you feel and developing coping strategies sounds like it would be hugely beneficial. There's really no shame in seeking professional guidance in a challenging situation.

Hi op, I think you've been brave to admit how you are feeling, also the fact that you want your relationship with dss to improve is a great starting point.
Does your dh spend time with dss alone? I think it's important he gets time with his dad, but also with you all as a family too.
Don't be too hard on yourself because you don't love him, I feel that that's something that can grow over time. It sounds as though you care for him well, which is great, try and find some time for him though... Ask him about school, things he likes, make time to watch a favourite show together. Fake it until you make it as they say! I think in time if you persevere with dss you'll find that your feelings may begin to change and hopefully resent him less.
Could you get dss involved at home too? let him help to look after the baby, and with regards to the toys, does it matter if dss plays with babys toys? He is only five and is probably just interested in the toys too, something new and different. Encourage the two of them to play and share as they grow together.
Let him help you with little jobs, putting away the shopping with you, helping you set the table at mealtimes etc, anything to help him feel special and involved.
The more you try and warm to him op the more he will warm to you.
Hope all goes well.

I'm a step-mum (dsc are all adults now) & I completely get where you're coming from although I had reached a stage where I genuinely loved them when my own dc came along (7 yrs later).

Try to see him as your ds's brother rather than your step son. He may never feel like your son but he is definately your sons brother if you see what I mean?

Also the money thing, you HAVE to let go. It will make you bitter & resentful for years if you let it. Treat it like just another bill if necessary. A non-negotiable one.

For practical things like you said taking care of him like a school teacher would but not loving him just keep going with it. You can't force yourself to love someone but you can be kind & understand he is just a small boy who didn't ask for this situation.

I wish you luck, I had many dark days during the first few years of being with DH (before we got married) & nearly walked away a number of times as it was so hard. I'm glad I didn't walk away & it also gave me an insight into how DH was as a father before we had our own.

diagnosing the op with anxiety and postnatal depression and telling her she needs therapy.

She does need therapy though. Feeling like your stepson is a burden on your life is a reason to talk with a professional and go through your feelings. It stops resentment.

She also needs to talk to her partner and maybe take a breather / step back from the situation. And not be told to try harder. She can go see a counsellor all she wants, the person she has to talk to is her partner. And he needs to support her.

And he needs to support her.

I agree with this definitely but OP you need to be careful about how you word your opinions about his son to him. If my husband told me that my son was a burden on his life and that he didn't like him in all honesty I would probably leave him, because I wouldn't want someone who wishes he wasn't there in my child's life. So be kind about him.

I disagree that she needs it. I dont think its a must for what are entirely normal feelings.

Without wanting to stick the boot in to the OP, who I think has been quite brave in sharing her feelings, I don't think her feelings are normal to be honest.

Even if her feelings are normal though, she has made clear that they are having a detrimental effect on her life and her relationship with her husband. Why would she not consider therapy when the alternative feels to her like leaving her marriage?

Well shes already said theyre struggling for money so thats one big fat reason there.

Also maybe shed rather try and work through it herself first. To me therapy is not something you jump into without actually trying to change yourself first.

Unless youve been in this scenario im not sure you can say its not normal. In my experience its entirely normal, its just most people do not publicly admit it.

Found this really hard to read. I feel for you and the boy. I have a step son and I love him more than anything in this work and I Wish you could feel that for yours.

I feel quite scared for the dss reading this. It really doesn’t sound a safe or healthy environment for him to be in. Op should confide her thoughts to her DH who should then consider spending access times ŵith his ds alone, and I would also have DH let his ex know. I know absolutely that I would not want my ds to spend time with someone as mentally unstable as the op. I had an awful time as a step child growing up and thought I was the exception, but when I come on this thread it seems to be the norm. So sad to read.

someone as mentally unstable as the op

What healthcare qualifications do you have out of interest?

diagnosing the op with anxiety and postnatal depression and telling her she needs therapy

So what is it you suggest? Because as a parent who has seen her children through a number of awful step mum’s who have, without fail, clearly resented their existence, I can tell you at some point they are going to need support to work just why these women, adults who freely entered a relationship knowing of their existence, quite clearly couldn’t stand them. Perhaps more importantly, they will need to come to terms with the fact their father put his own happiness way before theirs and stood by whilst these women overtly abused them.

I don’t think the OP would want to think of herself as being that woman. So it’s up to her to deal with it.

Flamingo, you don’t need to be a health professional to see that the dc is in an unsafe environment. Re-read the thread and tell me if you would feel your child would be safe with the OP. There’s a hell of a lot of deep seated resentment in her post. Therapy is definitely needed before she should be allowed around the child.

Flamingo I think therapy would be a fair bit cheaper than a divorce no?

Well for one the child is safe and if youd read it properly youd see that the op does things for him and treats him well while hes there. Shes also realised this is a problem and wants to change.

I would think my child was safe yes. I equally wouldn't expect anyone else to love my child like i do.

canileave ive agreed she needs to deal with it i just said i dont think therapy is absolutely necessary unless she tries to deal with it herself and really gets nowhere.

I am not sure why it needs to be therapy or divorce.

There are a lot of ignorant posts flying around tonight.

I completely understand how you are feeling and how much your struggling. Anyone criticising will not help either. I at times have felt like this about my step children. I now tend to try and get DH to see them without me and do days out with just them and then cook for them when they get back. I found when we had our joint child I began to find these feelings intensified. It is hard and I do sympathise. Try and take a step back. Perhaps worth looking into CMS as they take into account your resident children in your house when assessing what he should pay and in our case for my DH his reduced massively. Think sometimes as they remind us of our husbands former life unfortunately we can develop feelings we don't intend too.

I would think my child was safe yes. I equally wouldn't expect anyone else to love my child like i do.

So you would happily leave your child under the care of somebody who resents them to the extent that they are a burden on their life and wishes they weren't there at all?

I would never want that for my child not would I feel comfortable leaving them with someone who felt that way towards them.

OP, I think you've been really brave to actually say what many step-parents feel. I was so niave when I met my DH and believed everything would be great. It was for a while, but as DHs children lived wirh us, I struggled with the lack of my own space, the fact they'd been brought up in a way totally alien to my own upbringing, the additional mess and the amount of money I was having to spend on them. I kept my feelings hidden and everyone commented on our 'perfect family'. I know my feelings for my own step-children changed overnight once I'd had my first child. I felt so protective over my child and saw them as a threat. I felt bitterness, resentment and could barely tolerate them. My DSD was always particularly difficult and the main problem was my husband's inability to deal with everything/anything . He buried his head in the sand and hoped everything would be fine. Honestly, I could have written everything you wrote. We are now over 10 years down the line, and if I'm honest, things only massively improved when my DSC moved out. They are young adults now and we are all very civil etc, but I don't particularly enjoy being around them. My children (their half siblings) absolutely adore my DSD so I'm pleased I've manged to help foster that relationship when I can't have it myself. You're not alone .