I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

I feel so sorry for that little boy. I found your post incredibly hard to read

You are not suited to a blended family. You've tried but it's not fair on anybody.

I'd tell your DH how you feel then cut your losses.
You can't carry on for years until DSS is an adult. He is 5yrs old, he needs love and security now.

How do you snap out of it? You just do.

His mum has a new husband. His dad has a new wife and a new child. They all live full-time in their own homes, living their lives. He’s the only one being shunted around, fitting around everyone else. And he’s FIVE YEARS OLD. A kindergartener. Only a couple of years ago he was wearing nappies and toddling around.

You’re complaining that’s he’s spoilt and precocious and that this is the MIL’s fault? Honestly, sounds like she’s the only one putting him first.

The four of you need to shape up. This poor boy is going to resent the lot of you. And to think you resent him .....

Looks like you have 2 options, carry on with the care taker role resenting the child more and more or leave.
I think leaving would be the best option. That little boy needs and deserves more from a step mum than what you can offer.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. You've got a baby, and it's bloody hard and these feelings are normal, even if they are unpleasant.

When I'm in a caregiver role of someone I don't feel particularly fond of, I think about what they need from me. Often when I feel like I want to bring a spoilt child down a couple of pegs, the most impactful thing is actually to love bomb them. To praise them more so that you get more of the behaviour you want to see. It'll feel forced to begin with but it does work.

Try and mentally separate what pisses you off about the finance side of it from the child. He will always be part of your life!

Oh yes let's all be nice because she's being honest.

This child is five. In his young life he's had his parents split up and his dad remarry and a new family created. And the woman his father married wishes he didn't exist and resents her husband spending money on him,

Lioness protecting her cub my arse. This is going to damage this child and it's going to damage his relationship with his father and his half sibling.

Op for the child's sake you need to leave. Just go. Because yes this is indeed monstrous. This is a five year old you're talking about.

yes this is indeed monstrous

No, its not. Its normal. Opinions like yours mean people do not admit it.

Op has acknowledged things must change.

Leaving is not necessarily the answer.

Like it or not I wouldn't want my kid around someone who wishes they didn't exist. You might claim to not show it OP but kids can feel it when someone resents them to that extent. If my husband felt that way around my child I'd ask for a divorce.

taco thats entirely your choice isnt it?

Ops husband maybe considerably less judgemental and realise its not easy to bring up somebody elses children nor does it come naturally to a lot of people.

Again, which you all seem to be conveniently ignoring, op realises this isnt great.

She doesnt think its fine and take joy in treating the child like shit, which is what youd assume she was doing reading some of the responses on this thread.

No, its not

Yeah, it is monstrous, accept it. This is a five year old child. One she wishes didn't exist, who she wouldn't care if she never saw again, who she resents.

It's going to damage the child, and he comes before her.

She needs to fuck off out of it before she damages this little boy.

If my husband felt that way around my child I'd ask for a divorce

This would be my only option too. I could not permit my child to be around someone who resented their very existence.

Its not monstrous and she does not need to "fuck off out of it" at all. She obviously wants to make things better and she can so why shouldn't she do that?

This made me so sad to read. I feel very sorry for that little boy. Your own son will be 5 before you know it and will sometimes be naughty and take other children’s toys and ask for things... that’s kids. You need to seek counselling as you could really damage this child, he will pick up on your hatred of his existence. I would really really try to think about your own son in a few years and imagine if he had a stepmum who felt this way about him and you had to send him off to spend weekends with her, it would break your heart. This boy is your husbands son - if you love your husband then can’t you find it in you to really try to find some kind of connection with his son? He is your child’s half brother too and your son might adore him before long, as younger siblings often do with their big brother / sister. You owe it to your own son to try harder and foster a relationship for them, rather than wishing he didn’t exist. Think about in 10 years time if your son adores his big brother and he knew you wished he didn’t exist? It’s a bigger picture than right now. You chose a man who already had a child so you need to step up. You could end the marriage of course but be prepared to have to share your son and send him off to his dads and a potential new girlfriend who hates him and can’t tolerate him. How would that feel?

It really was a hard read. So much resentment towards a child is really sad.

As usual...in these scenarios it was the Ex wife having an affair.

Telling the OP to think how the child feels is good advice IMO...because not only could that be her son one day, but having some empathy for what he's going through, especially because he had no choice in all this is important to recognise.

You chose to be with a man going through an acrimonious divorce with a toddler. Now you want him to disappear into thin air.

He has 2 new adults in his life as steparents. That's 4 different personalities with varying degrees of a parenting role. How terribly confusing this must be...not forgetting to add MIL into the mix too.

You say your DS doesn't get a look in when SS is there... firstly why are you ignoring your own child and secondly your baby is hardly aware of what's happening at his age.

I concur with those saying to seek therapy. This will help work through your feelings and identify coping mechanisms. This deep resentment could end up very badly for your SS and he doesn't deserve it.

You mentioned doing quite a few things for your SS. Is his dad leaving it all to you? If so, you need to raise this with him.

I personally think it's unrealistic to love a SC like your own. You don't have to either, but the deep rooted resentment you have is quite disturbing.

If I was married to a man who felt that way about my child, I would have no option but to leave in order to protect my child.

Having seen the damage (to the child through to adulthood) that resentment of a stepparent can do, I simply couldn't risk it.

Poor little boy. Imagine if someone felt like this about your beloved son. He deserves so much better than this and it’s good you’ve realised that things need to change. I also think you should get some therapy as a starting point.

God OP, I really get you.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago and honestly since he arrived my feelings towards my DSC changed so drastically. Everything got harder work and I am so protective that I am going to be honest in saying I am just a ball of anxiety when they’re around.

I’m also completely with you on the MIL, she treats the DSC completely different to the baby, and it does cause a lot of strain. I know he’s only a baby but It is blaringly obvious, and no doubt will affect my DS when he’s old enough to see for himself.

I am looking into counselling, purely to find the root cause of these awful resentment feelings and to hopefully find a way to cope and manage these feelings, as it really isn’t worth splitting another child’s family up, or your relationship.

I don’t have much advice as I’m dealing with it myself, please ignore people harping on about how they’re finding it hard to not judge you and that he’s an innocent child or that you have post natal depression etc. I explained all my feelings to my doctor last week and she said they are not only completely normal, expected and common, she also added that nobody understands until they become a step parent. Nobody at all. She herself is one and agreed with me on many points.

Being a step parent is so much harder than a parent in so many ways. Especially when things aren’t amicable on the ex front. My DP’s ex made life unbearable for us for years, and even now ‘tries’, that will no doubt cause some of these feelings towards your SS.

Please don’t be kicked whilst you’re down with these replies, I can’t believe some people with no clue are saying horrible things above. It’s like commenting on veganism if you eat meat. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion and you have wrote a post on mumsnet I suppose, but this is exactly why I didn’t bother.

You have acknowledged these feelings aren’t ‘right’, just like me. You have asked for help and you would like things to change.

All those things are exactly why you ARE NOT a bad person. Like pp said, it is an absolute instinct to protect your own, I’ve never known anything like it. And unfortunately SS isn’t your own, and it baffles me how people are so quick to remind you you MUST treat him as equal, you MUST cater to all his needs and put them before your own and the needs of your child, however will be as quick to remind you he is NOT your son, it is ‘nothing’ to do with you, and to tell you to keep your nose out etc.

Concentrate on you and your son and your relationship, and the rest will follow. I will private message you but in case you don’t see, I really hope you find some help and things get abit better. I’m really glad I’m not the only one (even though my doctor reassured me there are thousands of people that feel this way from time and time, and it is normal in the circumstances) xx

@icouldwriteabook & @FierceMamaBear86 - just wanted to say to both of you well done & being able to come on here & admit how you're feeling. This is what this forum is supposed to be for - support not sm bashing. I'm a dm & a sm & I think how both of you are feeling is perfectly understandable.
As you know @icouldwriteabook counseling is the route to go down & it will help & @FierceMamaBear86 I hope you find some help also - it really does work.
I have seen a counsellor for years & the relief at being able to air your worst thoughts to a neutral party is indescribable. Being a stepparent is a ball of shite ('scuse my language) a lot of the time & being a sm seems to be a particularly thankless role & we need all the help we can get.

No idea why that's in bold - apologies.

Madga72- Thankyou so much for your reply.

I only replied as I was relieved I wasn’t the only one, but aswell just to get the OP so see somebody else’s real point of view, instead of all of these horrendous replies from people who genuinely don’t have a clue what it’s like.

I am looking forward to getting help to sort this out, and hopefully life will become a lot easier and more enjoyable.

This is how it is when you start a family with someone who already has children. You knew what you were getting in to. These are all thing you should have considered prior to having a baby with him.

You knew what you were getting in to

Buuuulllllllshhhhiiiiiiiit!

If that were true id say 98% of previously married men with children would be single.

Flaming are you denying that the OP's feelings are damaging the child? When someone resents a child to the extent that they wish they didn't exist, they can feel it. I have first hand experience. Children are not oblivious to people that hate them.

It's not 'judgemental' as you say to protect my child. It's not 'judgemental' to not want your child in a damaging environment or under the care of somebody that wishes the didn't exist! How can you feel comfortable leaving your child in the care of an adult that hates them because they wanted to play with a baby's toy or wishes they didn't exist because they have money spent on them?!

taco if youd bothered reading my posts ive said that she needs to address it. I havent said its not damaging, ive said its normal. I also pointed out that she treats the child well when he is in her care.

It is judgemental but again i said that would be your choice to make.

If her husband was bothered maybe he would take care of his son and not leave it to op which is sounds like he does and i bet thats got a lot to do with how op feels.

Just because you feel it and some others does not make it "normal" nor does it make it acceptable, knowingly proceeding with a relationship knowing you're hurting a child, damaging them, is one of the most selfish things I've ever read.

No one has said, love the child, or love them as your own, but resenting them to the extent you wish they did not exist, accepting you're damaging them for your own selfish needs is horrific. People trying to say it's normal to salvage their own consionce, to try to justify their own behaviour is one of the hardest things I've read on here.

As others have said would these posters be so blasé about it, if it was their child, they were sending off to spend time with a man or a woman, who wished they didn't exist? If it was their own partner who felt this way? I sincerely doubt it.

People trying to say it's normal to salvage their own consionce, to try to justify their own behaviour is one of the hardest things I've read on here

Thats not why im saying its normal and its incredibly small minded and judgemental to assume thats the reason behind it.

A lot more people feel like this than youd believe and actually it is normal and especially normal when youve recently given birth. Regardless of whether you like it or not it happens. It doesnt come naturally to love other peoples children.

Nobody has said its ok, nobody has said oh carry on as you are op. People have said yes its normal but you need to change why dont you try xyz.

Posters who simply say "youre awful leave" are being unhelpful and you can really tell that theyve never been through this or anything similar. People speaking from experience are being shot down left right and centre even though their responses have been honest and constructive.