I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

You don’t have to love him.

You do need to see things from his perespective and develop some empathy.

You do need to accept that maintenance needs to be paid, regardless of the other parent’s income, and that you have no control over how that money is spent.

I would seek counselling. Your feelings are damaging for all concerned and you are risking your marriage and your own child’s long term security if you continue as you are.

I'm a step mum. And mum. We have DSC 50/50. I treat them all the same but I definitely don't love them all in the same way. Do you think you might expect to much of yourself?

DH and I only fight about the kids. Not always the same one, but mostly. You always defend any injustice you perceive towards your child.

We have joint counseling on top of DHs counseling. It's really helping I think. It's CBT but it's very situation based. I would recommend it.

I haven't been a step parent but I have spent a large proportion of my life looking after other peoples children. OP you really don't need to love this little boy ( and you don't actually have to like him) but you do need to carry on with the good day to day care you are giving him unless you choose to leave your marriage. 5 year olds can be a bit tricky just after they start school and this little boy may also be developing characteristics that you don't enjoy being around. My 5 year old GS recently asked what I'd bought him! But if you look at it from the view point of a five year old if he's usually given stuff each time he sees people he will expect it. So fake it til you make it. It's not full time and I imagine your feelings are multiplied since having your own precious child. Maybe it would help to give the care to the five year old that you would want to be given to your nine month old by another woman if you are your child's father were ever apart.

That was hard to read. I think you're getting way too much sympathy here. You're a grown up and he's 5, his whole life changed and he can probably tell you don't like him. The comment about his tries to take your sons toys made me so angry, he's 5 for fucks sake. You need to grow up and stop acting like you're 5 yourself it's disgusting

I think you should definitely go to counseling to help with your feelings. As others have said, it’s ok not to love him, as long as you’re treating him kindly. But you need help with your feelings of resentment, it will make you all unhappy. Sadly, I don’t think these feelings are unusual and are perhaps unfortunately maybe biologically innate, but you could argue so is cheating and few excuse that. It’s good you’re self-aware as hopefully that means you can work on your feelings. Counseling definitely - or else you might need to break up the family for everyone’s sake.

You're not a monster at all. You would be if you didn't realise something was not right with your feelings and/or didn't want to do anything about it. You do and you realise that the change needs to come from you. That alone makes you a caring person so don't beat yourself up too much.

As you've said, you need to find a way to change your mindset and as already suggested, probably only a counsellor can help you with that. You don't know whether how you feel about him comes from the child he is which you find hard to feel close to or from the resentment that deep inside you are focused on how perfect your life would be of he didn't exist and blaming him for the things that are not perfect, like your financial situation.

You see that if your oh didn't pay so much maintenance, you could have a much nicer house etc... but wouldn't you also be in a better position if you hadn't have your son? So ultimately, both kids are impacting on what you can and can't have. The ou difference is one means everything to you, the other means nothing.

Seek counselling and explore all these issues and hopefully, you'll find ways to turn your mindset so that whatever the outcome, you, your oh, your boy and your SS don't suffer.

My widowed dad remarried when I was university age - and I found it so painful!!!! (I was pleased for him but his wife was not warm to me. DD moved to her home hundreds of miles away and I never felt welcome there.) I say this to show how hard it is for a young adult to cope- how must it be for a 5 year old?
Now widowed myself with young kids, it's hard but i have vowed NEVER to remarry. I can't think of a single example in my real life of a step family that has worked out.
Sorry - no help to you so far. I'd say carry on caring for him, even if it feels a bit mechanical. You can't just be expected to love him like your own but perhaps a different type of relationship can develop. Affection, respect?
Recognise he may have difficult/ unpleasant traits or behaviours but they are all to do with what he has been through. You say the divorce was stressful for you- imagine how stressful it might have been for him, aged 5, rocking the very foundations of his life-with no ways to understand, cope with or articulate his hurt and confusion.

With regards to the money, if you are ‘struggling’ then that means you couldn’t afford another baby not that you shouldn’t spend it on your step son.

Op try and imagine you and your oh splitting up and your son having a step mother who feels like this about your child when he is 5.

I have similar age gap between my dc and a 5 year old preferring baby toys over their own is completely normal. Try and have a little empathy for a 5 year old child who may be struggling with family dynamics.

You don’t have to love him, but he is a 5 years old little boy who’s world has been turned upside down: new family, siblings, school etc.
And yes, they can be absolute little shits, biologically yours or not.
Be kind, OP.
Second: you’ve just had a baby. That in itself is hard, it is relentless and very full on.
Third: the family dynamics have changed, logistically,financially etc.

You’ve got a lot on your plate. I’m not saying ‘breeze through it’, I’m saying acknowledge the whole picture. But don’t take it all on a 5yo. He doesn’t have the solution to your problems and he is not the problem.
Work through the issues methodically, change what you can, accept what you can’t change.

And FYI, maintenance is not just for clothes. It’s for EVERYTHING.
I receive maintenance for my own child. The amount covers the bus pass, the school lunches and her phone. Everything else comes from me. If she wasn’t living with me, my outgoings would be halved, I would have over a £1000 spare a month. Her Dad’s contribution is not even one fifth of her needs and wants, doesn’t cover half her basic needs (food and shelter).

Maintenance does not pay for my nails and nights out.

Reiterating what some PPs have said - this little boy has been through so much. If the divorce was stressful for you and your husband, he will have been feeling that too, and that's overwhelming for someone that age. He's going to be acting out all of that turmoil inside him, throw in to the mix a new sibling, school, stepparents, plus it sounds like MIL isn't helping... read some step-parenting books or get some counselling, provide him with firm boundaries, but above all a safe space full of kindness.

Your DH needs to tackle the money stuff with his ex - it's not fair if you're taking on a disproportionate amount of spend on shoes and similar.

Separate out each of these feelings, and get help. You've started in the road by admitting the problem, but be prepared for it to take quite a bit of time and a lot of effort for it to get better. You're the adults here, you're the ones who can improve it.

Yeah, that is why I mever wanted to date a man who already had children. I thought that it would be very difficult.

You know you have to fake love for this boy and treat him well, you don't need me to tell you that. Would it help to keep in mind that since you love his dad to look for the same qualities and quirks in his son? Also counselling might help you become more positive about him and at the very least more mindful of your behaviour.

I've not read all the responses yet but just wanted to say

But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel exactly the same way. I'm not expecting it to change so I just get on with it and accept that is the situation.

OP i have no experience of coping with feelings towards a stepchild after having a baby. But I do have a stepchild pretty much the same age as yours. She’s lovely but things like becoming more materialistic - please can you buy me this/that - seem to be part of the age territory.
In terms of building up your relationship - have you tried mumsnetty love-bombing?
I do it with my almost-five-year-old DSD. When she arrives for weekend I find a little moment when it’s just her and me and I give her a big hug and tell her how happy and excited i am that we are spending the weekend together. I do it away from her dad so she gets a clear message from me to her. All the time i call her my favourite girl in the world etc etc. It felt a little fake at the start but I see she likes it (even on the occasions she squirms away from my hug I see her smile!) and now me too :-)
I think this makes her more secure around me which makes her more relaxed which makes her more fun to be with which makes it easier to love her.

If your DH can't afford the maintenance maybe he shouldn't have fathered a child with you.

I feel sorry for your SS but he isn't going away, is he? You need to sort out your feelings.

Why do you resent your stepson for wishing that your newborn might die when you're the one thinking that his mere existence is a burden?

OP. Well done for coming on here and seeking some advice.

Firstly. Ignore the ‘your feelings aren’t normal’ comments. Intensely judgemental. Unkind and I always wonder who gets to decide what ‘normal’ looks like and feels like. Because for every step parent who hasn’t felt like this I can guarantee there is another who has and I’m one of them.

1. if the separation/ divorce has been high conflict and you as the partner have been the primary support person for your DH through these difficulties, then the emotional/ psychological impact can be huge on you as the partner. And they may take months/ years to appear.

2. Sadly, if the feelings these conflicts garner in you (resentment, anger) aren’t aired and discussed with your partner, then they fester. Get buried because you feel deeply ashamed and then because they’ve not been dealt with, they surface in very ugly ways that feel out of our control.

3. The conflict will have affected the child/ children involved and undoubtedly that child will themselves struggle with conflict that may manifest itself in behaviours not seen in’normal’ children (see, the term normal an be incredibly offensive). If that conflict leads to rejecting behaviours towards you the stepparent. It makes bonding intensely difficult.

4. the resentment can grow and grow. resentment about what? Well, life. This person can become a very real manifestation/ reminder of why you have the struggles you have. Why you don’t get sufficient time and attention from your partner. Then later on a baby that you are hyper protective over and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There is nothing wrong with you. It happens. Coming on here and admitting it is brave. But I do agree you won’t be able to tackle this alone. You will need professsional intervention. Because the anger/ resentment needs to come out. And right now it hasn’t.

None of this is this child’s fault. But you need some tlc yourself. I’m curious, do you feel that you get enough of your DP’s time and attention when his child isn’t with you both?

Agree completely with stealthmode and explained much more eloquently and clearly than I could have done.

God this is so difficult for me to read. I understand you cannot help those feelings and you obviously want to try change them. If he behaved better maybe your feelings towards him would improve. You know kids know instinctively when you hate them? Can you imagine what that feels like. Can you try put yourself in his shoes and imagine what he wants and needs. He is probably crying out for love and attention and reassurance - knowing deep down that you don't like him.
Think of the older brother relationship you are denying your baby by feeling this way. It's an other person to love your baby for the rest of their life. The way it is now this won't happen, it will just be resentment and bitterness between them.
If you feel dumped on then you need to talk to your partner.

Can I please ask those people coming on here and wading in and telling the OP to think about the child and ‘try’ more. Stop. It’s the most unhelpful advice ever and is coming from people who have never experienced this.

It is identical to my giving advice on the postnatal depression board (having never experienced it) and saying, come on, snap out of it, your poor child, think about what your actions are doing to the baby. Does that ever get said to anyone? No. It doesn’t. Because we recognise that that person needs help. And telling them to try harder actually piles further pressure on and makes them feel worse.

OP, I have been in your shoes and you have my deepest sympathy. My advice is not to think about the 5 year old right now, or ‘try’ but to take a step back from it, take a breather, and ask yourself what is the bigger picture that has lead you here.

For me, my DP’s court battles have been horrific. His EW is a piece of work (to any poster wishing to post on this and comment on that last comment, feel free but I won’t respond) and his EW is intend on causing maximum disruption to not just us, but our future together. Time, emotional energy, money...all has been redirected into the things started by her. As opposed to us being able to focus on us and simply have a healthy relationship. She has via her DC inflicted a lot of conflict in my world, via my DP.

It’s caused intense resentment and incredible anger at times in me. And those feelings and conflict have manifested themselves in DP’s Dc and had severe ramifications on how my DP’s DC feel about me and vice versa.

In high conflict situations, specialists see this all the time. And there are coping strategies.

The first is that you simply have to sit down with your partner and be brutally honest about how you’re feeling. These things have to be said, and aired and discussed between you. Nothing about what you’re feeling is wrong, hiding the feelings and feeling guilty about them is wrong.

Your DP needs to listen and work with you to put in coping strategies. Does he need to spend some 121 time with his child away from you and give you some space. You say that you both drop everything and the world rotates around your DP’s DC when they visit. Why? That’s not a healthy dynamic for a family and your world shouldn’t come grinding to a halt every time his child comes.

My DP does this, his whole time is focussed on his DC when they visit and for a while he expected me to do the same. It’s too much pressure. After a while I refused. Why? Because my life needs to carry on, irrespective of whose children happen to be around. When mine are with me, nothing in my world stops, so why should it be different for his Dc?

The other notable thing I realised is that I felt intensely resentful of the amount of time and energy his whole situation for vs the time and energy he poured into us. It felt like scraps. So I articulated that and we were able to work on us.

The thing here is that i think a lot of this comes down to partnership. If you feel rock solid with your DP, you will naturally start to feel more open and caring about his DC. It’s like a circle.

Would I care if I never saw my Dp’s dC again? Yes, but my world wouldn’t stop. But when I see them, have I been able to pivot to warm and welcoming and engaging? Yes. Because my DP and and I have worked on us and we have brutally honest convos. Counselling also helps.

Ignore the other judgemental people on here. Totally unhelpful so just don’t give their posts and brain time

Oh god - this is hard to read. I think some people aren’t cut out to deal with being a step parent (I think I would be someone who struggled with it too, so I’m not judging) but you feeling like this is going to be terribly damaging to the esteem and emotional well being of a five year old child and not very good for your mental health either from the sounds of things. You are an adult you have choices the 5 yo does not - you need to leave.