I resent my stepson and I don't know how to stop it!

[FierceMamaBear86]

I resent my stepson and I kind of hate myself for it.

I've been with my husband for 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His divorce was very bitter and a lot went on that caused terrible stress to us as I met him just before divorce proceedings began so I was around for the whole thing.

I don't know if that has impacted my feelings towards my stepson or not but these are the facts.

We now have a 9 month old baby boy and my tolerance levels toward my stepson have plummeted. I just don't love him. I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. When he's with us I do my best by him, take him out to nice places, read him stories, help him get dressed, cook him healthy meals etc. etc. But in all that I just feel like a caretaker, like someone working in a school might. Like when he's under my care I look after him but I don't love him.

I feel extremely protective of my son, not only in the obvious sense (like my stepson kept talking hopefully about him dying when he was relatively newborn) but in terms of being hyper sensitive to how my husband treats him and if I feel he makes less effort with him or spends less money on him. It's putting a terrible strain on our marriage but I just can't snap myself out of it.

I find my stepson to be precocious and spoilt, a lot of which is my MIL's doing. His own mother has said she finds him to be like this and we're all trying to counteract it, us and her and her new husband. He doesn't ever seem happy to see anyone and usually asks if they've got him anything. He won't play with any of the gifts he got for Christmas or his birthday when here but insists on playing with my son's toys all the time and trying to take them for his own. I just find him so annoying. Plus I resent the fact that we pay through the nose for his maintenance when we're struggling for money in a house that is too small for the size of our family and they're off on weekends away twice a month because the system doesn't take into account what the mother or new husband earn.

I just feel like his whole existence is a burden.

And I don't need to ask if this makes me a monster, I know it does. But I have no idea what to do to make it feel better? Or do I just accept that this is how I will always feel and call it a day on my marriage rather than stay and fight over it almost every day? Because it is wearing us down but I can't seem to curb my bitterness over it all.

Please get screened for postpartum depression. Your situation and your feelings about it are complex, for sure, and as a new mom you are no doubt exhausted. But, please get screened.

First of all, I want you to pat yourself on the back! YOU are doing something a lot of people have a hard time doing - BEING HONEST! You don't love this child and you can never provide him with a loving, safe & comfortable space. That means that you don't belong with the man you selected! You knew his situation and you likely thought you could make it, but now you know you can't. There is NO SHAME in being honest about your feelings! However, now that you know exactly how you feel, you have to move on and find yourself a man who you can love WITH ALL OF HIS BAGGAGE, who DOES NOT have children from a prior relationship! There are PLENTY of men who do not! PLENTY! Your husband has obligations and financial constraints that you DO NOT want to deal with - and that's ok. However, what's not OK is staying and taking your anger and resentment out on your stepson. It isn't his fault that he is in this situation. He likely feels left out at home, since mom has a new man, and left out at your house, since his dad has a new son who gets to stay with him all the time. It must be so hard for him to carve out his own space in life. I can imagine he is troubled. His situation is troubling! Here he is with his parents apart and he is struggling to figure out his place and his worth in all of these different households AND he has a stepmother who doesn't warm to him. Kids know when people don't really want them around. You aren't a jedi! Your body language and language will give that away! You need counseling, BUT you need to GET OUT! You're looking at 13 YEARS of paying progressively more and more. AND, let me tell you something. You should consider yourself LUCKY that your courts don't take the mother and step father's income into account because in the US, they add the mother's income and the father's income and then take a percentage that is paid based on a ratio of the time spent with each parent. So if the mom makes a lot and the father doesn't, but she is the custodial parent, the father is going to be paying more than he thinks is fare because the percentage is based on the COMBINED value! Do you want to deal with that? No! MOVE ON and find the relationship that is right for you! It is OK to back away and move on. It is NOT OK to stay and make your stepson miserable! GET PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP AND GET A LAWYER SO YOU CAN MOVE ON AND START OVER!

You are absolutely normal. I feel the exact way about my step son. My job was always to make sure his needs were met when we had him but it stopped there. I never had the desire to thrive as a step parent. We always put our marriage ahead of his son and even our children. Children become adults but your marriage comes first and should. I know my husband loves him as much as our kids, but of course I dont. That is not how we are made. I would love to not have a step son, I think that is totally normal to want a life that is just you and your husband and your own children. Having another child outside your home also changes the dynamics of your own childrens relationships with eachother and their dad. He does treat his other son better when he is around to make up for his son not having the great life our kids have with having their parents together. I dont think that is fair to my kid and its okay to have resentment. The best thing that happened for all of us is he lives full time with his mom. It saved our marriage, my kids lives and my step sons life. The only person that sacrifices is my husband, but he knows its whats best for everyone including his son. The back and forth was not healthy. Too many adults mingling lives was not happening for us. I didnt want to live for 18 years like that. I became a different person when he was around because I hated it. My husband acted different. My kids fought more because now there is another kid in the mix. I think all of this is normal. I see other blended familes loving being step parents and spending holidays and times together. It was just not an option for us. And we are ALL thriving now.

In 20 years on Mumsnet, this is the saddest thing I have ever read.

He is 5.

Its not the man you chose, you just need to put your marriage and yourself first. Realize your son deserves a mother and father together. It might take someone else to talk with you and your husband about priorities and boundaries. Our dynamic changed the moment I had my first son and it took some time for my husband and I to be on the same page and it came down to our life which was him and I and the kids we had together.

A close second

Oh come on! She’s not acting on this, she’s unbottling it so she can find some way of dealing with it.

when the ex has been so bloody awful, when your lives are harder because of that, because the system doesn’t take into account the mothers income or her husbands, and they swan about, of course you’re going to feel resentful

the poor little lad represents that part of life, but he’s also trying to get attention from you.

try to step back a bit, you’re racing with hormones too, and that is a factor.

It’s not his fault

repeat this over and over

you don’t have to love him, but he’s part of your family and will always be. Try to make peace with this.

So you've effectively managed your husband's child out of the family, and now you're all much happier. Well done you!

My oh dc is hard to bear, for one reason or another mimics the mother to such an extent that the panic attacks the mother used to trigger in him are now triggered by dc.

he’s done therapy and stuff and is getting there, but having the dc to stay over can’t happen, he has contact on neutral ground and by phone/FaceTime etc.

if we had this AND we’re struggling, I’d feel like you do @FierceMamaBear86

Its been 8 years and yes we are ALL thriving. Thank you It took a lot of work on all of our part. He lives with his mom and step dad and brother and we have our 3 kids in our home. We see him when we choose if it works for them and there is no bantering back and forth. No money exchanged. We live in peace and they live in peace.

Its been 8 years and yes we are ALL thriving. Thank you It took a lot of work on all of our part. He lives with his mom and step dad and brother and we have our 3 kids in our home. We see him when we choose if it works for them and there is no bantering back and forth. No money exchanged. We live in peace and they live in peace.

Oh, wow - so not only has his father abdicated from the responsibility of bringing him up, but he doesn't pay maintenance either? What a prince.

Not that it’ll help, but in part, how we feel about these little people is down to their mother’s behaviour

we all wish our kids are treasured by everyone they meet, but it’s not a given and by being difficult, cruel or evil, it’s a consequence that others will view your child as a stark reminder of your behaviour and the resulting resentment could affect how they are seen.

worse still are the many, many mothers who weaponise their kids.

in the end only their own child is the one who is harmed, but the rest of the equation picks up the pieces. I just wish my oh ex saw this. The damage she does to everyone around her is awful.

try and offset it? She doubles down. The only answer is to back off and hope that one day it’ll all be explained and damage repaired.

"These little people" have absolutely no control over their mother's behaviour, nor are they in any way responsible for it. They have no agency in the situation at all. You, on the other hand, are a fully grown adult - and I'm amazed you can talk so brazenly about taking your resentment against the mother on the child, as though you think that is a reasonable position. Unbelievable.

Some of the posts are very unsupportive. I used to think I'd love a stepchild but now I'm in that position I realise I don't. Perhaps it will happen but I don't expect it to.

One thing I wondered was why you are reading your SS stories and dressing him? I'm more of a fun auntie with my partner's child and my DP does all the parenting. He's included in all activities, I'm warm and welcoming and we have fun but bedtime etc isn't my responsibility.

The money side you will have to let go. Unless you are paying way in excess of CMS calculations it's a small amount for your husband to pay to bring up his child. And was a pre existing expense before you were together. Imagine if he resented paying maintenance for the son you share together.

This post is really upsetting. I feel so bad for your husband’s son.

i wasn’t talking about me, I’m clearly talking generally.

stop throwing rocks just because it suits your agenda

of course these ds aren’t on any control of their mothers actions, adults have to try to manage that, but it’s natural to feel anger and frustration at the situation that’s so utterly pointless

all I wish is that high conflict mothers realised that they’re hurting their own kids to hurt the dc dad.

Further more , as I said, if you try to be kinder to the dc, try to undo or compensate for the batshittery, the dc mum gets worse and does more damage. In. Our case, the more fun the dc had, the more the mother was mean/downright evil.

its a shame you don’t get this.

having this in your life really is awful and of course it makes you dread them coming to stay/visit. Their presence equals someone trying to fuck up every single second of it.

that’s what is meant here

It sounds like all your understandable frustrations are being targeted at this little boy. And we'll done you for wanting to be different. Just remember, none of your frustrations are his fault. He is trying to get his needs met in a confusing time (new sibling.)

Maybe write down your feelings and then put yourself in his shoes. It may help.

What a horrible thread with horrible responses from some really nasty women married to nasty DHs.

Some of you should be ashamed but you won't be of course. You are just congratulating yourselves having managed to successfully peck the cuckoo out of nest. Just wow.

I just wanted to add that in my experience all 5 year olds are precocious. It's a character trait in most 5-6-7 year olds I find. And all kids find other kids toys infinitely more interesting than their own. That's an oddity of small kids and a fact of life I'm afraid.
I'd be more surprised if he wasn't showing these traits in these dynamics. Little kids are ridiculous (and somewhat annoying) by nature.
You need to dig deep and find common ground and a way to connect with this little lad xx

This thread is from March 2019, why so many new comments?

You have been very honest. The little boy is only five and does not deserve the resentment you have for him. Especially a little boy who’s mother does not care enough to get him shoes that fit, that’s heartbreaking. However, I don’t think you are the only step parent to feel this way, I suspect most do. You are an adult, you would have know how the child support would effect financials and the living situation as a whole, you made the choice to continue the relationship. Maybe own the choice and please don’t punish a five year old for being five.

Op why do you think that the Mothers income or her husband's income should be taken into account regarding how much maintenance your husband pays. You knew he was married when you started seeing him, you knew he had a small son you knew he would have to pay maintenance you knew your stepson would come and stay with you yet you are on here complaining about the amount of money your dh spends on his child. And he buys him shoes as well. I think it is all to do with the money and nothing to do with dss personally.

Never mind then!