Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

Why are you going for private rent if the council have said you’re entitled to a council house?

And that is exactly it.
You think your boys are more important than girls. You are so fucked up.

@lunar1 it's not the only reason at all. The reason is my parents paid. Yet again my parents pay for stuff, his mum couldn't even help us move but would for the ex and girls they take priority which is not fair on the boys especially as I have given her her first Grandson as she has 8 granddaughters already.My mum is paying for the holiday, she gave me £1200 for my ticket, I choose to have a cheaper holiday and use that money for us both because both boys are free!! We wouldn't have had enough for all of us to go with that £1200 and wt time of booking no spare to add the girls... plus we needed £100 for passports and nearly £300 for travel insurance which we didn't have; plus we would have needed to undergo tests and also appointments to check she could fly so was risky; and it makes it more stressful for everyone. So we are taking them to Butlin's next October. Because if the mum stops it we also haven't lost much money. If we wanted to add the girls on now we would need nearly £1000 it's not possible, and I'm not asking my family. His mum would even guarantor our house for us to move, even though
It was her sons CCJs that made us need one... so she would rather see the boys homeless. Ok if she doesn't treat my son the same as the girls fine I get that as I know my mum won't with girls but she should her actual grandson..

And why should my mum have to be w guarantor and take the hit if he's 'so bad with finances'.. surely his own mum should not my mum!!

Why are you with this man?!?!?!?!?!

Why the fuck should his mother put her own credit at risk because of your fuck ups. Ahhh you are jealous of the effort she puts into the girls. Well she wouldn't have to if your man hadn't moved hours away, took on another kid. Had another kid. Stopped seeing them. Trys to weasel out of paying for them. Makes them sleep in fucking cupboards. Now trying to get it court ordered so they have to sleep on the floor twice a month, even though you are gonna miss the contact twice in a row and for whatever else excuse.

See how your dp puts your child, not his own above his own children. Well his mother is not. And good for her.

You expect your MIL to do more for her adult child then you expect of your partner for his minor children.

Nobody "has" to go guarantor for you - his mum or yours! But that's you pair all over.

I'm starting to think you are really young or have some kind of learning disability. You literally cannot grasp how selfish you both are. Why on earth are you continuing a relationship with a man child with two children that you clearly hate, resent and wish they didn't exist.
You keep blaming other people for this crap but it's just him. I don't get it at all.

his mum couldn't even help us move but would for the ex and girls they take priority which is not fair on the boys especially as I have given her her first Grandson
This is the recurrent theme in your posts 'it's not fair, it's not fair' the moment people don't do as you wish. I don't think you have learning issues, I think you were brought up very spoilt with a huge sense of entitlement which shows how your parents are still treating you like a child now.

It almost sound like you believe you should get an award of some sort because you gave birth to a son to your OH. You OH's parents don't look at you as some sort of goddess that gave them something incredibly precious that no one else could give them. They see you as someone selfish who thought that by having a child with your OH, you would make him your possession to do what you want with. They don't respect you, they don't respect their son any longer, they respect their ex DIL who is managing incredibly well bringing up their grand daughters on her own.

Thecway these girls are treated, you can count on them refusing to come to yours in a few years, court order or not. They've already sussed out that all you/their dad is good at offering is material things. I remember your first post how terrible these girls were to ask for expensive presents, a doll it was and how you resented your OH for buying it to them when you had no money for your son, of course, all the fault of the terrible ex, when your latest posts are all about how you compensate for the lack of emotional care with nice Xmas presents.

Just wait until they are teenagers and it will only get worse because they will have learned to protect themselves emotionally and to take as much as they can of what you offer out of guilt. They will take take take and give nothing back and that will all be down to how they'd been treated all these years. Of course the Ex will be fully blamed, much easier than to look at ones own attitude and behaviour.

Why are you making a big deal about getting overnight contact when you don't want to provide them with a bedroom.

What i find weird is your attitude makes it sound like you don't want the girls in your life and they are just an inconvenience, your dp wasn't bothered about contact, but you seem to keep pushing for it. Now you're talking about court orders.

Why not just stop contact. The girls will have less disappointment in their lives and won't grow up being shown their second best to your boys, you and dp will have more money to spend of tacky rings, branded snacks and castle beds, and you won't have to bother with all this drama.

Maybe start being an adult and learn to pay your own way, can’t afford a holiday don’t go. Just because you give him a son. Doesn’t mean you get a reward, this isn’t the Victorian period and you’re married the kid. If I was the mil I would go NC with the pair of you and focus on helping my poor granddaughters

“Mum that’s a lovely offer but we can’t afford a holiday because we have all the kids to take. It wouldn’t be fair for us to go with just the boys”.

Or use the 1200 for a holiday in this country.

And stop being selfish and emotionally abisive to two wee girls.

*abusive

@bumbother yes we had to have a guarantor. If we didn't we wouldn't have the house. You have to pass credit check, employment check and also landlord reference. The credit check he failed so on order for us to be granted the house we did have to have a guarantor we had no choice in that. We could have applied to council once he gave us official notice once house sold but they said we would have been in a hostel for a while and we wouldn't want that for the boys.

Plenty of families who have step kids visit have blow up beds or sofa beds etc as it's not always possible to have extra room sitting there, and if we finally got a council place we then would have only been granted two bedrooms as we asked that question.

All I am saying is his dad (his parents are seperated) makes time for all the kids and puts all the kids first... his mum isn't. And actually would have thought she would invest a little time into a baby and would jump ar the chance to be asked to babysit, plus she would have had a few days away as we would have paid for her train down. She for a while picked up on all their bad behaviour, and her and ex DIL fell out because of it, and she agreed with us on the way she was being about things... and it now seems that suddenly because The ex wife is asking for her help again she is now 200% on her side purely because she's too scared of her stopping her seeing them again.

Not sure what his plans are now regarding contact on the Friday I am leaving it to him to sort out... if he was simply cancelling I would have seen it as unfair but he asked if we could swap the day to another this week, and I can't believe they have plans the other 6 days and can't possibly swap. As when they ring they say the have just been at home. I believe that we could give the ex wife everything she desired and she would stil whinge and moan just to be a pain, she keeps admitting how she hopes she can get him to move back up there so personally do feel she will continue to be nightmare thinking she will get that...

Holidays they are still going away to Butlin's end of next year... and it's something we will try to do yearly. If they are still getting a holiday I don't see a issue because they are still getting one. And then if we do take boys somewhere seperate then it makes up for the lack of spare funds we have for the boys when we visit girls etc and obviously my son now gets less at Christmas as we have the girls and our youngest to buy for, and all the kids do get the same spent on them for Christmas, although their piles are different sizes because we bought a lot on toysforpound. Where things retail value is really high but we pay £1... we got loads of craft kits, toy cars, figures etc for boys on there as part of their budget:... we did same last year but his ex wife criticised that it didn't look like really expansive presents and this year we are to buy and provide her receipts of what is spent. Which we have done but just means they have now a lot less for their £70 each.

We are pushing for court order because my partner wants the contact and the overnights with the girls.... we have even said we won't tell CSA or reduce payments as having them overnight but she won't budge. It's all just a control thing to get what she wants of him living up there, to do all school runs and routines again

Why aren’t you getting a council house? Present as homeless when evicted. Then you wouldn’t need a guarantor.

You needed a guarantor, yes. But no one, your mum or his, is under any obligation to be one.

@Innocentconglomeration they have said it could take months for them to get us a house, so we could be in a hostel or hotel until they find somewhere and then there is no guarantee where. It has to be in the town we live now as we live in a rural area where the earliest bus is 8 and latest is 6.. my partner doesn't drive and work can start as early as 3am. His job is brilliant and so
Is his employer so we can't really lose that.

But that’s the option rather than subbing off everyone else.

His job isn’t that brilliant it isn’t even full time.

Even if you got a court order you guys would never stick to it and would be wanting to change it for one thing or another op waste of time and money. Just carry on treating you’re little angels the way you are pet but leave those poor girls alone

All I am saying is his dad (his parents are seperated) makes time for all the kids and puts all the kids first

Unlike your own partner then. Again, what's with expecting more from the parents of adult children than your partner who has 3 very young children to consider?

I would rather ask family to be a guarantor (when in my 5 years renting I have never missed one payment at all or asked them to pay my rent.) than have my boys live in a hostel. And I can't wake them in middle
Of night to take him to work and a taxi would cost us £30. His employers we wouldn't want to lose they fit around his girls, around me and work, Will Loan money out to staff if needed, give them a 2 week salary bonus at Christmas. Not many places are as understanding as they are.

But is overnight really what's best for the girls when they are sleeping on blow up beds in your living room in a two bed flat.

You said before they can't share a room because they squabble - that was the excuse for eldest being in the cupbord. So how will them being in the living room together work.

If your going to have them overnight on a regular basis they need somewhere suitable to sleep and change.

Fwiw my ss doesn't have his own room when he stays. He has a fold out in toddlers room and toddler comes in with me. But I wouldn't dream of having him in the living room.

I think it's pretty daft not going for a council house tbh. Much cheaper rent, and security which means you wouldn't be in this situation again if a landlord decided to sell up. Plus you could always look into exchanges for something a bit bigger after you've been there a while. A short period in temporary accommodation whilst your kids are still young would be worth it IMO.

The only reason your dp wants to go to court is so he can miss the Contact whenever yet the ex won't be able to say enough, and to fuck off.
Well no that's not gonna work. You fight for it you commit to it.
He's not gonna see his children for a fucking month because you need him on holiday. Which is bullshit. You just don't want him out your sight.
A pp has you right. You have been spoilt. So no when people around you don't fall in line and behave as though your kids are the best children ever, you get mad.

You have admitted before that you aren't bothered by his shit parenting because he loves your boys.
One day you will find out how it feels to have your children neglected and treated as an after thought.