Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

And let's not forget you moved out from this guy not so long ago, so you were happy for your 4yo to not be with his "daddy" then, but now they cant be apart for a few hours on the SS birthday?

I think you should go and see your family with your boys and he goes to see the girls as normal.
Will your ds not want to see his actual dad?

Er your partner is the one who chose to move 2 hours away from his kids when he doesn't even drive. Stop acting like all of these unfortunate things that make contact difficult were beyond his control.

Your DP moved away from his children to be with you and your son. Why the hell would anyone who loves those girls go out of their way to help you both?

And the girls no they are favourites over the boys as the eldest always tells us!

@AnneLovesGilbert his dad is working and can't take time off so he is having a seperate day to celebrate.

@ZigZagZebras we use to have the to stay but she stopped it. They live a two hour drive away and I'm the only one who drives. And I have told him to mention it before however he's been too concerned iof the uproar she will do. And the sofas aren't big enough for us to sleep on, my partner is 6ft 2! They have got ready beds which they love with their favourite characters.

He moved for work we didn't even know each other when he moved down here so he didn't move for us. And even though he moved out he still saw both boys every day! Either took them to the park, or when I was working and out for dinner.

are you 12? Contributing your birthday money to the cause?

Yeah moved for work and didn't bother to see his daughters for several months but found time to start a new relationship and make another child. You really can't see why his ex has had enough? Would you move away from your own kids and ignore them for months OP? I doubt it. So why constantly defend him?

@LivingDeadGirlUK no but I'm not being funny but my family have given me £300 in total as birthday money for me to treat myself yet I am using it to give to him to help with the court costs. I techinically don't have to, it's not my responsibility too but I am for the sake of the kids

Why are your family always giving you stuff? They pay for holidays, for you and your partner to go to theme parks, £300 for your birthday! You are like a child.

And I'm not sure how you think a court will help your partner. She has a lot of ammunition against him, and with a court order he will be expected to turn up regularly and constantly which he is incapable of doing long term.

*consistently

And he can buy you jewellery and you can afford to go to musicals but you had a thread recently plotting how you could reduce maintenance and he couldn't afford to buy his girls school shoes.

I can't believe any of this is real, I've read the other threads and I don't get why anyone would come on here and continue to defend themselves when everyone agrees your and your DH behaviour is nothing short of an utter disgrace. You must be getting some kind of sick kick out of it.

@TwistedStitch musical tickets got bought back in February when the tickets went live!! It's not that they always give stuff but me and mys sisters all get the same amount of money if our parents, Nan and grandad for Christmas and it's not my fault that at 26 they still like to give a fair amount. Yes they paid for our holiday but that isn't actual uncommon! I know lots of people who's families pay for holidays. And the theme park was a gift from my sister. It's normal that families can buy each other gifts etc and We know we are lucky our families can afford too. X

Forgetting the neverending treats/ trips out for a minute, how do you think a court will help your partner? He will be expected to stick to a court order and continuing to behave as he has so far would reflect very badly on him.

Okay, apologies. But he still CHOSE to move away from his kids and very quickly shacked up with you and started playing happy families. So again, why do you feel so hard done by that it's only your family helping you out?

If I was a member of his family, I wouldn't even want to admit it. I'd be embarrassed by him and ashamed of him.

If your family are so generous, and there is enough money floating around for fancy rings and extra presents, it sounds like there's enough for a 3 bed house. That would have solved a lot of the made up stories.

You two need to invest £20 in a blow up bed for the lounge and sleep on that instead of the sofa. It's perfectly adequate for a few nights, especially when the alternative is not seeing his daughters. You should be moving heaven and earth to accommodate them. Court orders are a waste of your time, the court will find against the father who is feckless, unreliable and not making any real effort to be a presence in his daughter's lives.

How the hell you have managed to con convince a childminder to work unpaid is beyond me. And I wonder if its even covered by her insurance / OFSTED.

@Lovelife12345 thats fair enough but don't you think its a waste of money going to court when he already can't stick to the current arrangenent? His poor girls see him so little, your son sees him all the time. Yet you want him to change his contact to see his step son on his birthday when your sons actual dad isn't expected too? Its crazy. Your husband needs to start prioritising his kids, then you will have a leg to stand on in court.

@TwistedStitch we are hoping it will give us the overnights back, and also set time durn school holidays so we cam ore book holiday from work and time off and make more of a plan for their visits

He can't stick to the arrangements as they stand. What makes you think he could stick to a court order? Although actually having legal input might be beneficial to his ex as she can share her concerns with the court/ Cafcass.

If we had a court order and was allowed them overnight next Friday then we would pick them up from school, and be home
In time to collect him from nursery and then have the evening together with him for his birthday.

Yes there is money on the family but why should I expect my family to give us the extra £125 a month in rent money just to have a 3 bedroom house. For the sake of at the moment one week a year, or the sake of every other weekend if courts grant it. It's not Upto my family to pay my rent to benefit his girls coming down.

The girls wouldn't share our bed they would fight all night. We once all stayed in a premier inn in their home town when we had a wedding and they shared a bed and it was a nightmare so seperate ready beds is better. It's still adequate. Plus also better they have Their own ready beds with duvets and pillows and mattress because they are always constantly covered in head lice so it saves us have to treat our bed every time when their blow up ready beds are easier to wash down.

She doesn't work for free as such, but she has reduced the hourly rate we pay for him on his contract to half, I have done a huge favour and swapped my boys around with her so she can accept a family of 3 for the next 4 years; it's a good contract for her and in return she has helped me out:

Obviously court order wouldn't sort by next Friday but using that as the example if ther was one how much easier it would be, plus they would be included in more

Everyone is entitled to a birthday treat. Umm no, no one is entitled to a treat, it's just nice when you get one but that sums you up well.

In any case, what do you mean by 'treat'? As said, your OH can treat your son in the morning. Why does a treat in your eyes need to be all day and evening?

You are wasting your money on court. His ex will have a blast proving how unreliable he currently is and courts like reliability amongst anything else because reliability is what kids need most, way above Xmas presents but that's something you are clearly not getting.d no your OH doesn't in any way priorities his DDs not when he is contemplating giving up his job to stay at home to look after his other child and SS at the detriment of any financial support to his elder kids.

Honestly you can't be real! How can anyone expect to move into management with so little insight on who they are as a person?

@swingofthings for your information I am
Already part of the management team, and he was going to reduce his hours not stop completely! My son starts nursery at 8am Friday until 5.30 so yes celebrations would be evening

What time does your ds go to bed? Most 4 yo are knackered after a long day at nursery on a Friday. He won't want to celebrate for hours. He will much more receptive to celebration in the morning. What a pathetic excuse to not bother going to see his DDs because we know how he feels about going there.