Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

You could have just transferred the money back, if you were so outraged at your DP not being able to "prove his point" about the shoes.

The thing is all this stuff about the ex is irrelevant. Even if it was true it makes no difference to how your partner behaves and what a useless Dad he is. In fact it just makes his neglect of them even worse because he can't even argue they have a good stable homelife so he doesn't need to worry. So which is it? Is your partner an even worse parent than we thought, leaving his kids at the mercy of a lazy selfish woman and palmed off to various places nearly full time? Or is she, as I suspect, just an ordinary woman doing her best with no help from your partner and you are so immature that you think smearing her makes you look less awful?

I will ask again.

If you can’t afford school shoes, you can’t afford nights away in fancy hotels. Which you said you paid for for his birthday. You. Can’t. Afford. That.

Why are you doing that when you had 53p left on a Friday and no money to pay a couple of quid for a school disco until tax credit came in? Why re you doing that when you can’t afford shoes for his children? When you buy your son expensive stuff for snacks that you can’t afford for his children? Why are you doing that instead of getting passports for the girls?

I really struggle with your justifications. And I have no idea why this thread is still going... but if you would like some perspective.
I am 26 and have my two step children full time with my dp. Their mother sees them once or twice a month at our house.
I am the primary earner of our house and my dp works part time as dss has extremely complex needs and requires 2 to 1 care.
All of my earnings go on my family and they are a huge part of my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do for those kids and if I was lucky enough to have a baby of my own... nothing would change.

You behave disgustingly. I can't believe we are the same age.

If you have those children so much, take your precious boys and leave your man child with the magic penis. I can't bear to read any more of your excuses and justifications for the poor treatment you give those girls and how you enable that man to prioritise cola and Xbox games over them.

Also, I would never ever make my step children call me mummy. That's disgusting... they have a mother and I do my best to force that woman to be involved in their lives, I don't even give a monkeys that she pays us 100 of maintenance a year. It's them having a relationship with her that matters

You should feel the same way about enabling those girls to spend time with their dad.

I have no idea what they did to deserve you in their lives. But I swear you are the reason step parents get such bad press!!

My life, my money shouldn't have to revolve solely around the girls

His money too surely? And your joint money revolves around days out, holidays, jewellery, fizzy drinks, Xbox, hotels, gambling, branded snacks and special beds for your kids.

The girls have no money given for school shoes, branded snacks, bigger sized meals, passports, holidays, additional insurance, anywhere to sleep, school disco tickets. And you were recently attempting to minimise their maintenance too. There is no fear that anybody will EVER think you revolve ANYTHING around his girls.

When she already rang and told the ex wife we couldn't exactly send money back and say no.

My partner birthday was middle of November. Finances then were different to finances back in August. I paid for a DBB so it was all included. I saved my money from my parents out of the £200 to do that for him as a birthday treat. Again my money so I can spend it where I see fit and when I already give so much in my time driving to see the girls, wear and tear on my car; when I was the one paying for their food and accommodation when they first started staying st my house I am Entitled to that

Neither boys or girls have expensive snacks no more. I go to aldi after it was recommended and have made alterations to what I buy them but it saves me a fortune and they all get the same bought.

Yes he is no dad of the year to the girls and could be better. But that isn't all down to me. But he's a excellent father to the boys. He acknowledges he needs to try and have them more hence court and then he can assess them a bit more when we have the more full weekends

You know that night in a hotel would probably have paid for a court application OP? Wouldn't that have been a nicer present for him if he is so concerned about his kids?

When she already rang and told the ex wife we couldn't exactly send money back and say no.

Yes, you could. Absolutely. "We can't afford to pay MIL back for the shoes, so she won't be buying them".

Except, I don't believe it happened like you say, so maybe not.

Hang on. You said only a few month ago that,your parents were giving you £100 each. But your partner and your son both have birthdays mid November? So last year your parents were already giving you £200 a month and now they’re giving you more money. Wow.

How were you paying for the girls accommodation at your house which you had anyway? You didn’t move to accommodate them.

When she already rang and told the ex wife we couldn't exactly send money back and say no

Well done to MIL, that at least forced him to do something for his daughters. And school shoes are a necessity, not a treat.

Ofcourse you could have send the money back and say no but that would have showed you for the selfish people you are, not a good look on FB.

£200 a month free money and it all gets wasted along with the UC they apparently don't need. It could fund an extra bedroom. Or certainly a court application. But despite all this extra cash they even can't afford to buy his preteen child an adult McDonald's meal let alone include his girls on a holiday.

I was paying the heating, electric, for their beds and the food when they first started staying it was my house and he wasn't contributing st the time as he was paying her a lot in maintenance and hadn't fully moved in.

Now we have moved back in together the money from my family will be stopping January which is understandable and we are grateful it has given us enough spare money to buy Christmas presents for everyone: and to also buy stuff for the new house as we needed w new bed for my son and a freezer as our otherone came with the old house. I spent my money on me and my kids. To try and give them some treats plus we had a lot of birthdays. We haven't had our first UC payment yet.

I bought their beds as he didn't want them to first come down and have blow up beds and it not feel their home as he had moved away.

This thread is serving no purpose at all, the OP is not going to listen, take advice or moderate any behaviour.

I'm surprised Op given your complicated life with children, steep children, families that don't support you in time and a management position that you can spend so much time on this thread. Just what are your boys doing this morning.

If he didn’t want blow up beds why didn’t he buy their beds?

Didn’t you have a bed in the bedroom already?

No because the house I was in then had a attic with two bedrooms in, but as i had no reason for beds up there when it became me and my son there was no beds. So I bought some of Facebook.

My youngest son is actually been sleeping because he's still really poorly, and my eldest is at the cinema with my sister for his birthday present from her. I start work at 3 so have had time.

Why didn’t he buy the beds?

What do you mean “when it became me and my son”?

Some of your posts are incredibly hard to follow.

Because he was gambling and she was in control of his finances? His wages got paid into her account, didn't they?

Not then I don’t think? And even at that, it would still be his money that was paying for the beds?

@Innocentconglomeration when it became me and my son when his dad left: when my sons dad left I was left with a big house, it had two bedrooms we were using, and then in the attic you could have two bedrooms too. We had to move as he was selling the house. But it was a bargain at £650 a month. He didn't have the money to get the beds the week they were coming down as he had to give me fuel too. And he was paying £80 a week in maintenance. I was originally going to buy the ready beds then because it made sense as they were only staying fortnightly but he wanted proper beds so I found two on Facebook for £50..

We then moved to the house in April which was £700 for a three bedroom but the baby's room was a box and the other room wasn't too big either or big enough for them both permanently. This landlord is currently selling as he has been evicted. Originally promising us long term.

The house we are in now is £625 but only two bed, if we wanted 3 or more it would be £825 the cheapest

Yes it would then be the OP paying on her partners behalf with his money but that doesn't quite fit the narrative.

So your mum can't babysit for both, but that's OK, not her fault. Your ex can't be bothered to see his son on his birthday but that OK, he can celebrate it another day, but your OH being there only in the morning, all because he is seeing his own children, terrible. His mum not rushing on the train to babysit for both your kids when it suits, terrible.

The ex asking for what she is entitled to in maintenance, greed, you making sure you get an increase for your son when his dad get a promotion, a due. You oh being a good dad to your boys, another due. He's being a crap dad to his daughters, no big deal.

His reducing his working hours to look after your boys and allow you to work longer hours makes him a good person in your eyes. The ex getting help looking after the girls because she works hard and sometimes needs respite: neglecting mother.

You kljudt can't be real, at least not as you des rube yourself. No way anyone could possibly consider your are management material.

Excellent summation swingofthings.

I'm not saying it's ok he didn't see his son on his birthday but I can't drag him from
Work. He starts at 10am and finishes at 11pm he works in catering and is the kitchen manager, it's a 45 minute drive each way to my house. I never said it was ok but just have to accept it and that's Upto him how it affects his relationship.

The ex isn't getting rid because she works she is doing it because she can't cope with how she has brought them up and allowed them to turn out.

Yes it is greed when she demands more and more, I never expected more csa automatically calculates your payments and sends to the father. So that isn't me asking for more. I infact knew last year when I applied I was getting less than our private arrangement but it stopped him using it as a bargaining tool. You'll get your maintenance if you do xyz.

I'm not saying it's terrible just feel she needs to treat all grandchildren the same and if she isn't prepared to or can't afford help us out financially when we needed to move, be a guarantor etc then babysitting is a form
If help. My kids would never have to worry when they are parents if they need help I will give it.