Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

You criticize ex for babysitters but want babysitting?

She has 2 kids and gets less than you do because your partner can’t be arsed to do full time hours an soends almost half a year deliberately work dodging. And now she’s goijg to be entitled to even less because it suits you.

Didn’t he live with her at all and have anything to do with rearing them?

And as for MIL. She doesn’t have to do what you tell her. She doesn’t owe you babysitting so you can go to a hotel, or do ANYTHING with your son (who isn’t her grandchild) and she most certainly doesn’t have to be a guarantor for two people with defaults on loans, credit cards and one of whom has CCJs and a gambling addiction.

*spends

*going

My kids would never have to worry when they are parents if they need help I will give it.

I assumed this applies to the girls when they have children as obviously you would want to treat all of them equally?

The ex isn't getting rid because she works she is doing it because she can't cope with how she has brought them up and allowed them to turn out

I understand being abandoned by a parent can impact on a child's behaviour. Does your partner not bear any responsibility?

I never said it was ok but just have to accept it and that's Upto him how it affects his relationship
And how about how it affects your son, do you care about that?

I think you summed all up in these few words. You are clearly raising your eldest to consider your new partner his dad not because its what's best for your child but because it's what best for YOU only. You're not the first to make that error or wanting to replace your kid's father because youve stopped loving him, you assume that so has your son. You're are not the first who will see this backfire badly because that's not being a good mum, that's being a very selfish mum.

Your relationship is massively fragile and only a few months ago you were posting about leaving your partner, the man who is too weak to be a good dad to his children, yet you think you are doing a good thing by encouraging your son to consider him his dad when he might very well want nothing to do with him if indeed you were to separate.

It really doesn't get more selfish than that. Maybe if you spend more energy analysing your parenting skills, you'd have more time to critisize that of the ez who from what you have been saying seems to do a better job than you.

You say that your partner has to go on holiday because you found it hard travelling with a toddler solo. Yet your posts about the ex drip with judgement that she can't cope.

Parenting is hard and you get loads of help from others (financial, practical, emotional). It is completely hypocritical to paint yourself as blameless when you enable your partner to be a shit father to his dd.

How can you be with such a man-child?

@swingofthings you don't know me and what I have done for my son and his dad. I have always encouraged it and still do. And actually we get on fine. We have a family WhatsApp with both me and him and both our partners and share photos and videos and daily updates. We also have a handover diary. I have requested he rings our son durn the week which most weeks he does. He had an affair; I could have been bitter but I haven't I do all I can. That even meant sat at hospital one day with him, her and myself and our son. With the woman who stole his dad away! So actually I do give w duck and I have tried. I am always asking him to have him extra, always offering him to have him at Christmas and birthdays but he works in catering: he's the kitchen manager and he has a responsibility there and to his son. He works 6 days a week at the minute and it isn't always possible when he is 45 minute away: I offer to even take my son over on his lunch break. Using my fuel! So don't tell me that I don't care and that I'm trying to damage my son. As it's far from it. I have been the bigger person and pushed and pushed but if he chooses to prioritise work more then there is physically nothing I can. And a solicitor has said that he is having him
One day overnight a week and that the courts will see that as him tryingz

@swingofthings and I am not saying it's easy. It took a lot to get to this point with him, solicitors, social services referral from hospital because of something my son said about his dad, visits etc. And this is the man I trust every week with my son and do what I can to help him have a relationship with his son

So let him be so and don't confuse your son by making him believe that your oh is his dad too, he isn't.

He's hardworking and has his son for regular overnights. That's far more than your partner does.

You don't really seem to take advice but if I could give you one piece of advice I'd advise you to stop expecting things of other adults, eg parents. If they give you money, great, if they offer to babysit, great, but all of it is a bonus and they don't have to do it. It's not right of you to judge them if they don't offer.

I find it completely baffling that you clearly think his own dad isn't up to much, yet instead of protecting him from further disappointment, you insist on lumbering him with a stand in who is proven to have even worse track record.

Every message you write makes you sound more and more unpleasant.

Do everyone a favour, split up with this 'man' (it's really bewildering why you are even with him, he's a total loser), look after your two boys, don't get involved with his ex or girls since you loathe them all so much, let your youngest ds have time with his df, but other than that keep away from this bloke and de-drama your life.

What strikes me is that you have taken over management of your partners money, but you are very tight with what can be spent on his daughters. Any money spent on treats for your boys has come out of your personal money, which is fine, you have no responsibility to spend your money on your sc, but where does all your dp money go. Why does he have nothing to spend on his girls.

You either need to have joint finances, in which case you spend on the girls as well as the boys, or you keep your finances separate and you allow your partner to put money aside for his girls.

Take a look at yourself OP, there's nearly 600 replies on this thread and none thinks you're behaving well. Doesn't that tell you something?

@Chardeemacdennis1 he needs to pay £250 into the bills each week, and I contribute £200 each week into the bills. This includes visits to the girls, csa and everything else. And ar tbe moment most weeks after tax he is bringing home £265. Plus £137 CB and my csa from ex.

Our rent is £625, council £150, nursery fees, £187, csa £164, fuel £160, food seeing girls £40, gas and electric £96, water £60, car and insurance £300, credits card/store accounts £100. £200 for food for us all.

So as you can see it's tight. Water bill I can't get cheaper because my partner has 2 baths a day and the rest is as cheap as I can.

That's why he doesn't have the spare

Why on earth are you paying £300 a month for a car that only one of you can even drive?

No phone? No internet?

Why is his contribution to the bills more when he is on less money than you.

So you have combined your income and outgoings. So again, you can find extra money to treat your boys, but not his girls. Seeing as you have joint finances that is extremely unfair.

I would think you should split your finances. He shouldn't be contributing to your eldest nursery and you shouldn't be paying his csa.

Also two baths a day, what the actual fuck. Why is that needed in anyway.

What a mess. How can you live like this op?
Nobody needs big days out or holidays abroad in order to have a fulfilling life. Cut those out until you can truly afford them and you will be on to a good start.

Or dump him and you will save money that way too.

I can understand your frustration at grandparents not making the effort with certain grandchildren because of the parents. No matter what the parents of the children are like, it’s never the children’s fault and two wrongs don’t make a right. I know people might not agree with that but I don’t think it’s ever right to take things out on the children.

I think you’ve lost your way since being with this man op. Life will much simpler without him in it! Sounds like you had a decent place to live before he came along too.

I have to ask, do any mumsnetters have a criminal minds style board complete with screen shots, red string and a list of inconsistencies?

Because someone should, and it can't be me because I have no space, I've been taking tips from the op and my boys now have rocket beds each, a slide and climbing frame each, a ball pool each, and I realised how ridiculous it was making them share a piano-so now I've got two.

I've no step children so I'll have to make DH live in the porch. All four of us are going to have two baths a day each-we will convert the kitchen into an extra bathroom, meaning that we will have to eat out every night-obviously no choice now. DH however will only be allowed a happy meal and the toy can double up as his Christmas present, my boys need an Xbox, PlayStation and switch (each of course).

I need to contact DH's parents now, I'm so cross they won't chip in for the cost of converting the kitchen! Catch you all later...

I've no step children so I'll have to make DH live in the porch. All four of us are going to have two baths a day each-we will convert the kitchen into an extra bathroom, meaning that we will have to eat out every night-obviously no choice now. DH however will only be allowed a happy meal and the toy can double up as his Christmas present, my boys need an Xbox, PlayStation and switch (each of course).

That’s basically the op’s life! Aka a bloody minefield!!

Why would you expect your MIL to be your guarantor or give you money to help you move? Then expect her to “make up for it” by providing free babysitting!

That’s incredibly entitled OP!

Guys stop replying to op she is clearly a Walter Mitty and enjoys the drama created by her threads