Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

Treated* n

I'm not saying it's not ok.. I'm simply meaning that she allows them to sleep on the floor so can't really complain they have ready beds at our house etc that what I mean. I think she is bad for shipping them off to everyone else all the time, showing everyone else to sort Their nits and hygiene out, she won't even get their hair cut my partner mum sorted it. Or take her girl to the dentist when he tooth wasn't coming through properly as the previous one was still there.

When we first got together and the girls were much different and it was easy; and not stressful then yes I would have had them live with us. But now with their behaviour, the school reports, attitudes, and how difficult their mum is i for my own sanity couldn't do it, and I told him this. Because the boys are so very different and I fear how they would then turn out and neglecting them for the sheer amount of work it would take with the girls. That's why. Either way one set of kids would be neglected and pushed aside and simply we couldn't afford it. We would get the child benefit to help, but obviously it's capped at 2 kids for UC which we would actually have to rely on again if we have all 4, with club costs and uniforms etc. I never expected all this to be honest when he first moved down and we went out and had a drink etc it was only meant to be a bit of fun, I wasn't expecting this x

Well, you're the one that got pregnant. Unless that was the ex's fault too?

How can she be bad for getting someone to keep them occasional nights and he's dad of the year for moving away, never seeing them and at best seeing them one Friday afternoon a month?

You are a hypocrite.

OP would you stay with your partner if he said he didn't want your eldest living with you? Of course you wouldn't. But he stays with you when you have said exactly that about his girls. It doesn't say much for him as a parent does it? How can you have any respect for him?

And the point about him living so far from his daughters is that he chose to move away from them when he was a single man with no other children. Yes you have a child with him now that complicates the issue but that doesn't mean him moving away in the first place was acceptable.

I never expected all this to be honest when he first moved down and we went out and had a drink etc it was only meant to be a bit of fun

You knew, when you met him that he hadn't bothered seeing his kids for months. You said so on one of your early threads and that it didn't concern you because it was his problem. So yes you did know exactly what to expect, you knew exactly what kind of man you were dealing with, and that there were going to be two confused and possibly angry children who had been abandoned.

Why does one set of kids have to be neglected though? You both decided to get together knowing the situation. Loads of people have 5 or more kids and manage to share the love between all of them. As I said I have two step kids and one of my own and we plan to have another. If his kids decided to live with us we would be more than happy as the kids would be happy. My kids wouldn't be neglected and neither would his. If you couldn't afford it financially then he needs to get a job and provide for his kids. I just think it's a horrible thing to say about his kids that you wouldn't have them live with you. If I said that to My DP I would expect him to say fine then leave

I think, to be frank, it says an awful lot about you that you actually said that to him and that he stayed.

I have already had the chat with my boyfriend to make sure that he and I are on the same page when it comes to kids and we both would make sure that either of our kids were always welcome if we were living together.

That type of thing matters, so that you can be sure you share similar values. I suppose, however, that you and he share the same values of leaving those girls out and treating them like inconvenient second class Potters.

@Innocentconglomeration he seems the 2 Friday's a month, would be two weekends still if she allowed them to stay

@TwistedStitch I never expected we were going to end up in a relationship the way we have, for me it was just some company and fun whilst my son was with his dad or the nights he stayed at my mum. So yes it was his problem he didn't see them as I was never expecting a relationship.

He chose to move because st the time it was better pay and prospects and he was able to send £80 a week to the mum in maintenance plus pay all their school uniforms etc. He wasn't paying rent st work to live there in a room so he had more disposable income.

And no I wouldn't stay with him, that why I did give him the option to leave but he has chosen to stay. He knows how I feel, and I have respect for him because of what he does for the boys, plus because he does pay his maintenance, see them, rings or tries to ring them. And because he now is applying to the courts. I genuinely think yes it's taken time for him to see the court order for what it is but he's getting there slowly.

So the ex is in the wrong for asking her family to help with the girls, but your family are being stars for doing the same for you and the boys.

And what a surprise that the girls behaviour has changed since being abandoned by their dad.

I never expected all this to be honest when he first moved down and we went out and had a drink etc it was only meant to be a bit of fun, I wasn't expecting this x

Maybe I have misunderstood this, but he moved down to be with you, hours away from his children, for a bit of fun and drinking?! So he didn’t even ditch his girls for a committed and loving relationship.

I thought he hadn't the money for court?

Two Friday afternoons a month then - woop dee do, father of the year there. How very dare you say his ex is a bad mother when he does that! 10 hours a month. Out of 720 hours. Father of the bloody year indeed.

@ohmygawdman my kids would get neglected for a while if they moved with us as it would take a lot of work to get them into our routines, sort out their behaviour and attitudes, the school appointments they have for the youngest and behaviour the counselling the eldest has to go to. My kids would be pushed to the side for me to help the girls be the girls they were before. The girls when they first came to visit.

But I have been honest with him and it was his decision to stay. Xx

So he moved because he had a job with better pay and prospects, yet in other threads you say he's on minimum wage! He must've been working for free before then

@dinosaurglitterrepublic no he moved down here for work: better paid work. Couple of weeks into him being down here I then met him and we went out. We didn't know each other before he moved.

@HiHoToffee I'm not saying she's wrong but my family have my son once a week. She is shipping them off most nights. She barely does any of the work

zero hours contract as well and he's cutting his hours to what? 16 a week or something because the OP is the high flyer and going full time and he's going to be the main carer to the baby and her son.

And don't forget he has months and months off every year with depression that even the OP admits is just when he can't be arsed going to work he puts on.

#greatcatch

No his job now is minimum wage. When he first moved down he was on a job for £9 a hour, but he has since left that job as it got too much for him and had a few months not working and now is in this job which is less pay

She barely does any of the work

the irony of you saying that when the cocklodging father of the year can't even be arsed to reliably go to see them, cuts his hours so he doesn't have to pay maintenance but gets you to pay it out of your wages, and doesn't even bother to de-nit them but (wait for it) leaves all that to you as well.

She barely does any of the work
😂 how do you know

So yes it was his problem he didn't see them as I was never expecting a relationship.

Well actually you did expect a relationship with him when you actively tried for a baby with him. I know you have since changed your story to say that it was an unplanned pregnancy but you very clearly state on this linked thread that you tried because he wanted a son and you wanted another baby. The thread makes interesting reading, only 6 months ago and demonstrates very clearly your contempt for him and just how appalling your partner is. You have since changed your posting style to try to make yourselves look better but this awful thread can't be spun.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3258930-what-do-you-do

*your contempt for him AND his girls. Now he's a saint of course.

that's the thread I remembered, and was trying to find, with the separate snack drawer with the nice things just for golden child not for the potterchildren.

All of a sudden you seem to know an awful lot about the ex's life.

Just stop changing the narrative to suit your story, stop trying to paint the ex as an neglectful parent and start putting the blame on the appropriate person, your partner.

You would get a lot more sympathy and help if you stopped embellishing the truth.

Reading that thread.

Apart from anything else - Second time in six months that your landlord has sold up and you had to move?

And yet again, the house you got was "the only house in the area", just like this time.

What spiffing luck.