Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

Parents agree to changes when they have good relationships and there is trust and goodwill there. Your partner hasn't earned any and she likely knows that if she gives an inch he'll take a mile. She is treating contact as non negotiable at present, which is entirely appropriate given his history and how much damage he has caused his children. Her girls and their well-being are what matters to her, not your son's birthday plans.

Of course he could cycle 7 miles. I used to do that to work every day! there and back.

No offence, but 7 miles isn't a particularly long cycle. So if he wanted to, he could have cycled back.

You are like a child playing at being a grownup and you are teaching your children to be just as self absorbed as you are.

Why on earth couldn't your partner have cycled 7 miles? He'd be done in no time.

Your partner has three children and needs to step up. Hopefully one day he will stand up to you but sadly I think he's too pathetic.

It's just so sad that you are playing such a big part in crappy parenting of 4 children.

And if he had a bike, he could get to work at 3am and you wouldn't have to take him.

If your 180 UC is extra money you don't need, in addition to the pocket money of 200 a month from your parents you could more than afford a small motorbike or moped for him.

And you relied on tax credits, don't talk rot. You had a post where you were visiting the kids on a Friday and had to pay a few pound to get into a school Halloween disco and you didn't have it because you only had 53p left. Til your tax credits came in on the Monday.

That magically became your last tax credit payment when you were challenged on it, and you said you'd told them that very day to move you to UC.

And even that was the ex's fault, because your partner had had to pay her all the CSA money out of one week's wages, because that was how you worked your money, it worked better that way because you could use the tax credits for day to day expenses.

Good point.

Why don't you use that £200 a month that your parents are giving each of you for fun money to pay for a bigger house for those girls? Or aren't your parents reliable?

Your birthday money????? How old are you?

My kids don't go without emotionally, physically etc. And we give to the girls aswell. So please don't tell me I am not parenting my kids well. They want for nothing from us. And everyone around us even comments on how well mannered, polite behaved, clean my kids are. So I am a damn good mother to them!

We would need to invest in a bike it's not something we would have had to hand yesterday to be honest.

If the ex really actually gave that much of a shit she wouldn't be sending them to people most nights to have them stopping him then also ringing them as her family won't accept calls from him. We are looking at getting the eldest a phone for her birthday so he can keep on contact.

What is the point in paying extra gas, electric and for a extra room for 4 nights a month when they aren't allowed to stay st the moment for one and secondly when they have beds to sleep on they aren't sleeping on floor, plus getting w court date could take a while anyways.

@Grazek I am 26 but you know what it's not my fault that my family are generous and still give us the same amount of money for birthdays and Christmas as they did when we were younger and that money is meant to be spent on us: my Dad has threatened to now buy vouchers Instead so I actually spend something on myself and not use it for the kids

no that is defiantly not us

Funnily enough, I don’t believe you!

Does anyone else know? Same poster whose partner left child in freezing bath and was high as a kite at the park with DC?

I am sure you would have your partner cycle 7 miles, spring for a taxi from the station or find an extra 150 odd for rent every month if it directly benefitted your boys. Wouldn’t be such insurmountable obstacles then I bet.

Nobody is saying that responsibilities to children don’t come with a huge amount of inconvenience. The girls’ mother has to deal with that alone 99 per cent of the time. She probably has to deal with the kind of issues you raise all the time alone. The only difference is she can’t decide it’s too much effort and wriggle out of it. No wonder she is unsympathetic to your never ending tales of woe surrounding one afternoon a fortnight.

Before you take on any kind of management role, you really would benefit from learning how to communicate in written English.

That other poster was Redstripelassie I believe, and various similar namechanges. She didn't have stepkids though, just a daughter and then last time I noticed her she was pregnant again. She was equally delusional to this poster but her writing style was much better.

If I was her family, I wouldn't be taking any phone calls from him either tbh.

I suppose you're going to have to save up for the money for the phone for the eldest. You may put it on your list.

If the ex really actually gave that much of a shit she wouldn't be sending them to people most nights to have them stopping him then also ringing them as her family won't accept calls from him.

Eh? Can't decipher most of this but the first sentence- questioning how much she cares about her kids?? Really? Their mother who raises them singlehandedly. You have got some nerve when you facilitate and defend that specimen you are sleeping with.

I wonder how your partner would cope without you.

He can't manage travel to see his girls without your help. Your parents provide all the extra money and support. You manage his money for him. He can't handle his own children on his own. Oh and he's a gambling addict.

Oh and having to pay for a bigger house is just part of being with someone who has kids. Does your dp begrudge you having to pay for your son to have a room heated and lit up. Plus you don't actually need a spare room. You should have a three bed place. The boys can have a room each then share when the girls visit.

Thanks twisted!

OP, try as you might to paint the mother as a shitty parent, your partner is infinitely shittier.

He is the one who left his children with her and moved away, who went months without seeing them, who lied to get out of seeing them, and he is the one who continues to leave them with her when you try and portray her as neglectful.

If you are both so much better than her, why is he, at least, not stepping up and moving back to be a decent parent to his children?

Or, indeed, if she's so shit, why isn't the court case being prioritised, with the aim of having them to live with the OP and her partner full time? I mean, if the mother is as neglectful as she's being painted here, then the OP's partner is doubly shit because he's leaving them there and not fighting to get them with him all the time.

Can't wait to hear the excuse for that ...

Sorry badly worded. Most evenings and weekends she has the girls at sleepovers with family and her friends so that she can go out, and especially weekends she has her step kids as it results in her eldest daughter sleeping on the floor of the youngests room with their step sister, whilst the step brother has her room.

She knows by having the girls stay away from home and with her family they won't accept my partners phone calls to speak to the girls so they can go several days without talking to him when she does this. However when they are with the family members they get well looked after, go to school look presentable and the teachers have no complaints.

I have always been honest with him and said I don't think I could have them live with us and if he doesn't understand that then he knows where the door is. It wouldn't be fair to uproot them from their home and friends.
I have a question though.. so it's not ok for him to live far away from the girls, yet your suggesting he moves back closer to them and be further away from the boys. His is that fair? It's always going to be a no win situation.

I wasn't suggesting he moves back closer.

I was suggesting they come to live with you and him. You're a disgrace saying you wouldn't have them live with you. That's disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself.

So it's not OK when the girls have to sleep on the floor at their mum's house, but it is ok when they're at your house? How does that work then?

Because only one of those boys is actually his, and is a baby who will adapt far better than at the age his two girls were.

And since you think you and him are so incredibly flexible and superior, I'm sure you could make it work.

I haven't yet commented on this thread as I think you are not listening or taking anyone's advice on board unless it benefits you and your boys but I have been reading it. What you just said about you couldn't have them live with you is weird. You got with this guy knowing he has two kids so you wouldn't have got with him if his kids were already living with him? I have two step kids and yes they are a hand full and drive their daddy nuts but that's part of having kids and I'm sure your own kids will do the same. How would you feel if your DP treating your kids the way he treats his girls? Do you honestly feel like it would be ok?