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What do you do?

(190 Posts)
ilovemykids2018 Fri 25-May-18 09:39:45

Do you have photos of your step kids up around the house? I did photo collages of me and me eldest when I was a single parent and have those up to remind me of everything we did and went through and came out of. As we went abroad on our own whennhe was 16months. I have other photos of me my partner and the boys that people have done us as Christmas presents etc. My partner now wants us to display a massive poster in our bedroom of the step kids. I struggle with them staying let alone having to see them every day.

What do you about their birthdays? We do parties or whatever for the boys as they live here, their mum does parties for them. If we did one we would have to travel 100 miles to them first, as we are never invited to the ones she does.

Am I wrong that I can’t always find the money for him to go to every school play or assembly as it is 200 mile round trip!

Would you give them their own bedroom.

Do you pay any extra than csa? I personallly won’t but he gets guilt tripped.

My partner wants to ask to have his eldest daughter for 2 weeks in the school holidays to get her swimming lessons as the mother doesn’t, and ‘because we pay for the 3 year old and 9 month old’ it’s a lot of money to fine the extra.

I don’t like them picking up their baby brother because he is a really heavy 9 month old plus they are always covered in nits. Which I constantly treat however they come back again covered.

I have done them their own snack draw like I have for my eldest, but they always claim it’s never good enough compared to his. He has the yoyo bear fruit things, and the fruit shapes etc because he is still that age to have them and they are expensive so we get them like the Maryland cookie mini packs (as we do for my sons draw.) and sometimes Asda own bits which apparentlt it’s not branded so they won’t eat. So inkeeep catching them stealing stuff out of my boys draw! What would you do?

What do you typically spend when you have your step kids?

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the
House.

Do you expect your parents to buy them Christmas and birthday stuff even after last time the eldest SD said ‘but my present is a lot smaller than hers and I have one less present (my parents bought them the same value presents.)

Do you stop Christmas Day and not give the kids living with you a Christmas Day until the stepkids stay and have to together? Last year I did Christmas Day, and then we did a second Christmas Day a week alter and I kept some of the boys presents back from Christmas Day to open too and my partner said that was wrong.

Is there any other scenarios you mummies have? Xx

Mini2017 Fri 25-May-18 09:49:04

This can’t be real

whingeyarse Fri 25-May-18 09:51:52

shock

This is horrendous. Please remove yourself from these children's lives. It's clear you hate them.

I hope you're a troll.

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 09:55:24

Things that stick out in your post

- you struggle them visiting your home
- you don’t want to incorporate family photos of your step kids but happy to display your own kids and your dp accepts this
- I was confused about the party thing you said do you no mark it with a small celebration? If not yabu

- why would you begrudge family money being spent to see your dp kids plays?

- CSA is he minimum payment required that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t help with activities for dc or setting up a bedroom and space for them to stay.

- holidays abroad why wouldn’t they not come? Why is it ok for your dc to attend from your previous relationship and not them?

It sounds like you don’t like them very much and baffled as to why you’ve had more dc when your not able to accept his step children as family.

I have ds from a previous relationship ex pays maintenance he always goes half’s on activities, and we alternate on school dinner money. I buy him clothes for my house as does ex and his dw. Ds is going abroad twice next year. They have photos of ds with his sibling and inlaws on both sides by ds a gift and celebrate his birthday with a party and cake. Christmas they do gifts with ds later in the day.

There’s really no excuse to be unkind to children, ds is made to feel part of both families not an outsider of two families.

ilovemykids2018 Fri 25-May-18 10:04:26

There was one week where the girls had 5 different plays. That would have cost us £200 for him to go to all of them. We have agreed he goes to their Christmas play and potentionally summer one if they do one. However they ex wife is kicking of if he doesn't travel the 100 miles for a 10 minute assembly getting a certificate. I am trying to
Show him he can't go to them all, like there will be times the kids living with us have plays and assemblies and he can't go to them all when he's working.

We do celebrate their birthday, last year I suggested going out for a nice meal or bowling. However he is wanting to through them a big party with bouncy castles etc when the mum is already doing that?

I never expect my sons dad to pay more than maintenance as he has to live aswell and keep a roof over his head, she is just all about the money.

We use to have a bedroom when they stayed with us, now they don't, however we have moved to a smaller place and although it's three bedrooms the rooms are tiny so the boys wouldn't be able to share.

All I am looking for is opinions and experiences. Some of my friends don't take their stepkids on holidays, some do. Some plan parties some don't. Me and my partner have discussed a lot of things already but these are the last few we need to agree on.

This poster he wants to put up in our bedroom is nearly the size of the bus stop advertising posters. I'm
Sure most woman don't want to wake up durn the night and see a poster that huge of their step kids staring at them. X

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:04:58

Interesting username OP. Does your DP not love his kids too then? Is he not allowed to have pictures up of his kids, take them on holiday with him and all the other stuff you want to exclude them from? Would it be okay if he did the same to your eldest child that isn't his?

SingleDingle Fri 25-May-18 10:05:05

Is the baby your dp’s? Because if so, every other disgusting aspect aside, how come you could afford another baby, but not afford for your DP to play the part in his children’s lives that he wants to??

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes Fri 25-May-18 10:06:33

Gosh OP it is very clear that you totally resent the mere existence of these children. I feel very sorry for them. It seems that you have more children than you both can afford (how many altogether?) and you want the dsc to be the ones who miss out. Is your partner not working? You said several times that I have to find the money for him to go to see them.

ilovemykids2018 Fri 25-May-18 10:08:50

The 3 year old is from a previous relationship, the 9 month old is ours together. He only seems to be pushing for these things since they ex wife has been messaging him
And nagging him everyday. If I don't remind him he won't even call them durn the week or FaceTime them. He plans days out with his family and never once asks to include them. And he was the one who said we can't afford to rake all the kids so we will still go though. A lot of this was his decision. When he first lived here he didn't see his kids for 3 months, when I always offered to drive him up, as at the time I was just his manager at work.

He wanted another baby, as he wanted to try for a boy as much as I wanted another. Thing is my son lives with us so he can't exclude him
When he lives here

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:08:51

But you aren't putting a roof over their heads are you? They have no room at yours. I often hear that argument simultaneously on here- maintenance should be limited because we also have to provide them with a home/ bedroom for when they stay but at the same time why should stepkids have a room with us, they don't live here and have a room at their Mum's.

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 10:08:52

I bet your previous child from your previous relationship gets treated as a member of the family no? Does he get his own room? Own parties? After all he’s just your dp STEP SON? It works both ways. Maintenance is for basic living but activities etc should be extra it’s for the benefit of the child not the mum. Why downsize and add more dc? Where on earth does his dc sleep? Are you surprised they are unhappy? Why can’t they have a bouncy castle and invite friends? Why do you live so far from them?

Aprilmightbemynewname Fri 25-May-18 10:09:26

Tbh I wouldn't want pics of my own dc in my bedroom. Passion killer imo.
In theory both dps would attend every special school moment but in reality it isn't practical. Even for your own dc. But really it's up to their df how he parents them.

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:10:18

Then why would you have a baby with someone who was clearly not a good Dad to his existing children?

ilovemykids2018 Fri 25-May-18 10:13:32

My partner has a gambling problem so all his wages get paid to me now, as otherwise he was gambling a lot of his wages and left us struggling. His work now know not to change the bank details that they pay into.

When they stay the youngest girl will stay in with my son as he has one of these custome made castle beds (I bought it second hand) which he can have a mattress on top and underneath. The eldest daughter wants to sleep in the little area that next to the hallway upstairs which is all carpeted, and we pop books down there she has asked us for a blow up sleeping bag thing as she said it's quiet and away from her siblings which is fine. We had no choice moving house as
Our landlord was selling and it was the only house available in the area, with my partner not driving and starting work
At 4am we had to stay in the area xx

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:13:50

Is it any wonder his ex gives him grief about not doing enough? He went 3 months without bothering to see them! Poor kids.

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 10:14:54

Judging by the timeline op wasn’t with her do long before having another baby. I wouldn’t be surprised if cm has gone down for her dp dds to take into consideration ops two dc

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 10:16:13

Those sleeping arrangements are appalling.

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:17:53

Sadly he just sounds like another shit excuse for a father. Barely bothering with the kids he already has but then quickly having another kid with a woman who resents his existing kids. Still at least he has a son now hmm

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 10:19:15

Poor kid sleeping in a sleeping bag is utterly utterly disgraceful. She’s a member of the family she should have a bed.

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:19:52

So your son has a custom made castle bed and your stepdaughter sleeps on a blow up sleeping bag in the hallway. That sounds quite representative of their status in your home tbh.

NukaColaGirl Fri 25-May-18 10:20:30

shock I dont know who’s worse, you or your spineless DP for being with you when you clearly don’t like his children!

Whattheactualfuckmate Fri 25-May-18 10:22:33

lovemy

What an awful situation for your step kids, your partner has totally failed them as a father .

You would have thought you could have dug deep and found some empathy for them seeing as your first dc is from a broken family but you just seem dead hearted to them.

This is why I would never split up with my dh incase he met some one like YOU

ilovemykids2018 Fri 25-May-18 10:22:35

We have the step daughters options for sleeping. Either we put baby in with us whilst they stayed and they have his room, with camp beds. Or they could choose what they wanted:

The youngest wants to sleep in with my son in his bunk bed thing so that's upto her she made that decision.

The eldest wanting a quiet secluded room that she decided and wanted w didn't even suggest it she came down to us and said can we do this. We let them decide and make decisions.

We were together 5months before I got pregnant. My three year old will be four in 4 months. So he is over 3.5 technically.

Dancingmonkey87 Fri 25-May-18 10:23:23

If I was the mother I wouldn’t be allowing over nights until adequate facilities were there for them the minimum being a bed.

LunaTrap Fri 25-May-18 10:24:44

5 months when you both already had kids to consider. Utterly ridiculous and now you resent his kids and he can barely be bothered with them.

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