Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

is his ex living with someone else?

has there been a history of problems with contact?
why only one night a week?

You're not wrong but at the same time, he could argue that a grown man shouldn't have to seek permission to spend time with his children.

If his ex hasn't 'moved on' into a new relationship, perhaps she would like more time off? She may well be open to discussing a couple of nights a week or every other weekend or something different which might put a stop to this kind of ad hoc request?

Why should you spend Valentine's Day with your partner without his children but his ex can't spend it with hers because she has their children to care for?

Is he scared if he says no, she won't let him see the children at all?

If his ex wants him to have the children but you say no, what is going to happen? How is he going to resolve that?

How would you feel if he did mind that you were doing whatever you're doing on Saturday? Would you not do it because he asked you not to? Would you, for example, post-pone a trip to visit your family on his say so?

Very complicated...I would tackle it gently with him sooner rather than later but the history might explain why he's doing it without asking you. It can be very difficult to sort out the situation to be fair both to the adults and children involved in all sides of a blended family and compromise is key. How is his relationship with his ex generally?

He has them once a week, and you begrudge him and then one extra night in 6 months so far... NYE.

Valentines is over a month away, plenty of time to make plans to celebrate it a different night.

Yes you do sound like you're being a bit of a brat if I'm honest.

His ex is living with the OM no problems with contact and it's been agreed Sunday night and it's been that way since they split.

She wants this time to go out her bf so it could be argued the other way.

He isn't scared to say no and to be fair he wouldn't listen to me. I'm not asking him to ask permission just to mention it to me before he agrees to check we don't have plans.

If he had plans for us I would happly cancel.

His relationship with Her is non existent

It's not the fact he's taken them it's the not letting me know before it's the done deal.

Like I say I'm new to this whole step children dynamic and don't gave children of my own

But did he really need to pick NYE and Valentines as days for extra access? I don't think his insensitivity with dates is helping here.

I think I can understand where you are coming from. Is it the ad hoc nature of the extra days and the lack of consultation with you that's the problem , rather than the actual days per se ? I don't know what his relationship with his ex is like, but you might bear in mind that some exes are very very tricky and will go out of their way to make sure you never get a 'special' day with your dp. We were subject to this type of behaviour for years. Had to get a court order because she hated them coming to us, but guaranteed, every nye, Valentine's, his birthday, our wedding (!) we would have the children sprung upon us. Dh NEVER said no, for fear that he wouldn't see them again. I also understood and smiled and said (through gritted teeth) of course we should change our plans at last minute. .. If you think this is the game being played, then preempt it. change valentines to another day, maybe the day you two met. Be like the Queen and have an 'official birthday for dp, and keep these dates secret between you. nEVER let important dates get back to the ex... And you will never be disappointed its a win win, because dp will get extra days and you won't mind because you will be expecting it !!

OP, so far, we are only talking two occasions in six months. Not really a regular occurrence.

I don't know why he's only seeing them one day a week but imo that's woeful and worth revisiting.

I think Kittens idea about celebrating events is great - you and your DP have the luxury of 6 days a week to yourselves between now and 14th Feb to celebrate Valentines day.

As for Christmas, NYE, etc you should expect to have his children with you every other year, that would be a starting point for discussions about Christmas contact between your DP and his ex. That this year happened to be your first proper NYE together is just one of those things.

If his ex were to drop dead tomorrow you'd have them permanently and you'd never have a single Christmas, birthday, Valentines, anniversary, etc, without having to factor in his children being there.

But he only has them one day a week so surely he can be expected to have them more on occasions. What makes your Valentine's day any more important than hers?

I think if he only sees the kids one day a week, and she deals with 3 kids the rest of the time then it would not kill him to watch them while she went out. You have him 6 days a week to do Valentine's Day so 2 occasions in 6 months is really not unreasonable for him to cover.

If she dropped dead and he had them every valentines, birthday, and other special occasions a baby sitter could be arranged as they are not "extra" time that could be lost

We have DP's FOUR kids plus our baby DS obviously as he lives with us on valentines day. Any chance of anything remotely romantic has gone out the window and we're going for a lovely night away the weekend before.
Cheaper than actual valentines day so every cloud and all that....

Why is hers more important than mine?

I just feel like she picks these days to stop us doing anything. She knows that the children are not the type to go to bed and let you have some peace and adult time.

I really think I'm in over my head at times it's just all too much sometimes. Sorry if I sound pathetic

That sounds nice. He works 6 days a week and has set holidays his only day off is a Sunday so we can't really do random weekends away. Please his ex starts demanding extra for the boys if he mentions going away

My step kids drive me completely insane. I'm the first one to admit it. There's been the occasional ranty post from my on here about them.
But as hard as it is, his kids will come first. And NYE, valentines, your birthday will come second. Every time.
Yes, it's shit and I have an internal sulk about it sometimes but that's really as it will stay.
I would say to you, have a really long think about if you're happy to share your DP. It's not fair asking him to choose and you will always lose. Trust me.
If you don't think you can put up with it, I would say get out now, it'll be kinder for everyone.

I don't mean that to sound harsh and I'm sorry if it's taken that way but really you have to learn to plan your life around the kids and just put up with it. He was a dad before he was your DP.

Then stay one step ahead and give false dates and keep 'special plans an absolute secret !! Works for us ??

But if he works 6 days a week his only day to be a parent is that sunday so you do have to realise weekend's away are not going to happen. He has to be a parent with his children not going away so he literally has 2 weeks away from his children. It hard on you but in this instance he should be pleased he has extra time with his children. They will not be children for ever, and you will both have plenty of time together and do already have plenty of time together. If your oh had the kids 50/50 I could understand where you are coming from but it's not so I really don't think it's worth making a big deal. Just celebrate the day before or the Saturday before. No biggie

Tell him if your having the DC Valentines then you'll be celebrating this St Dwynwen Day. Welsh valentines day. If you read up on it I think its very romantic and as its celebration hasn't caught on commercially you can celebrate romantically without breaking the bank.

It's not the fact he's taken them it's the not letting me know before it's the done deal.

What would you have said had he mentioned it first? Told him he couldn't see his children?

I don't think the issue is how often he sees his kids, more that he agrees to have them on special occasions without checking with o/p. It's manners and consideration isn't it? It's her home too.

Rather than telling her they're staying valentines night, he could simply say "oh ex has asked if they can stay valentines, is that OK? I'll treat you another night instead". Then o/p is likely to say yes that's fine, without any resentment.

O/p the good news is they do grow up fairly fast :). I've gone from being where you are now, to not caring if SDC stay as they're old enough to stay on their own if we want to go out. Soon we'll be able to leave them babysitting. Every cloud and all that :)

I would never ever say no to him re seeing his children but as the last few posters have said its just a courtesy thing. I'm more than happy to move plans for the boys and change when need be if we had anything planned. Micha has summed it in her first few paragraphs

If he doesn't need to ask permission and you would cancel any plans then I think you need to ask yourself what the problem really is. If you already know about Valentines then you've had plenty of warning; it's not as if he's told you the night before. One night a week plus one extra in 6 months isn't really much at all...if you're struggling then perhaps you're not ready to take on step-parenthood or to be with someone with children?

Maybe I'm not

Oh fgs Ling, not ready for step parent hood? really?

Again, it's not about the number of nights, or "giving permission" it's about respect for his partner.

Telling her he's having the kids on a special day, makes her feel like her views, wants, needs, aren't important. Asking means he's thinking about her as well as his kids.

Asking he's in a win/win. op will say yes and feel good about it. Telling and she'll eventually feel put upon and resent it.

Same as if Dh wants to go for a weekend with the boys or whatever. I'd expect him to at least check with me it's OK, we don't have plans etc, even if it's not asking formal permission.

It's not an insult

The OP herself says she feels 'out of her depth'

I should imagine it's bloody hard being a step parent. I'm sure I would have struggled with it.

How old are the children OP?