Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

[Caorunn]

Around 20 months Peruvian, so yes still fairly early days I guess. My former husband's partner was the OW so frankly it will be a cold day in hell before I mellow towards her.

We have a 50/50 arrangement (for the younger two); the eldest spends far more time with me. If the situation arises where the children express a desire to spend time with their father's partner independently of their father I will need to think long and hard about my response. As you say their feelings and opinions do of course count. But then my response will be driven by my responsibility to my children not with reference to a third adult nor for mine or my former husbands convenience.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

Caorunn, would you like if if your Ex didn't drop the kids back without telling you and kept them for an extra night? It dropped them back early? I'm bet you'd want him to run it by you first as it effects you. Any change to the norm should be run by the people it effects . I'm glad my DH ex understands this

[TheJingleMumsRush]

or dropped them

[redredholly]

People are very different. I have been surprised by how my DSD's mum has never cared at all where DSD is and whether she's being looked after by me or DH. She's teen now.

[Sethspeaks]

I can see what Caorunn is saying. And equally I get that it's respectful to run things by you. but I found that's one of the things you have to get used to as the partner of a parent - that the child or children aren't optional. So to him if he is asked to have them, of course he is going to say yes without speaking to you - especially as he sees them so little. Many Dads think that they can pick and choose how often they see their child, and leave all the responsibility to the mum. If you have a partner who isn't like that then you've got a good one. I know it's shit to have to cancel plans for ny and valentines, I found you just had to find the positives and celebrate in a different way. It's all part of being with someone with a child.

[Petal02]

people are very different. I have been surprised by how by DSD’s mum has never cared at all where DSD is, and whether she’s being looked after by me or DH.

It was like this with DH’s ex. She had no interested whatsoever what happened to DSS during access, providing DH collected/dropped off as per the rota. Then DSS was diagnosed with a medical condition, and needed medication, but the ex never mentioned this to DH, nor sent any medication with DSS when he came to us. I honestly think she hoped there would be some sort of calamity with DSS’s health whilst on DH’s ‘watch’. She really was a witch.

[Libby10]

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to be asked if it is OK to have the stepchildren on additional nights. It does seem strange to me that the only other nights your DP is asked to look after the children is on "significant" nights. Does his ex not usually ask him to look after the children if she is going out or is your DP the last resort. It may be that if he is missing seeing his children more often then he needs to talk to his ex about seeing them more frequently.

[Letitgoletitgo]

Definitely get where you are coming from. My DP has dss any time offered, at the drop of a hat, on top of every fri and sat night. I think over Christmas dss was with us more than my dcs who also spent time with their dad, my exh, it seems dss mum wasnt bothered! It is frustrating when it done 'behind your back' as such, it feels like when you are a family there should at least be a discussion or comment. I will often start mentioned doing something together on a certain night when my dcs are with their dad (very regular arrangements there!) for dp to say 'oh I've got dss that night now...' Unfortunately not much that can be done about it because any 'discussion' would only have the same outcome anyway. We can only ever have weekends away if dss has been taken away with his mum - so a handful of days a year where it then depends if I have my dcs or not too!

[Petal02]

And people wonder why step mothers get resentful ??

[Mummy1106]

Just think this: if it is like this in the "honeymoon period" what is it going to be like 3 years down the line...

[Mummy1106]

No, you are not being a brat, you have to know that your needs matter.

[Caorunn]

JingleMumsRush - I am not seeing the connection to be honest? I would quite rightly be extremely angry if my former husband changed the agreement without consulting me. His new partner may well, understandably, feel the same - my point is that I have no responsibility to that partner so why would I care?.

I am asking my former husband to make a decision regarding the care of his children, based on what he knows re: his plans, his commitments and his ability to care for them in a house which is to be viewed as an equal home to the one that I provide for them. The plans, commitments and opinion of a third adult are not a factor I consider nor am I willing to accommodate.

Petal02 - stepmothers may well get resentful but hopefully with the correct person - that is their partner. Not the involved children or their partner's ex. This is about the relationship between that couple. Nobody else.

[itsbetterthanabox]

It's not hard being a step parent if your partner only has the kids one night a week...
I think as he does hardly any parenting as it is it's fair enough the person who does do it, their mother gets some special nights to herself.
You and him can do what you want 90% of the time. She can't as she is raising his children! Be grateful!

[PeruvianFoodLover]

my point is that I have no responsibility to that partner so why would I care?.

I appreciate emotions are still very raw for you, caorunn - and I can relate to how you feel only too well.
What I didn't factor in, and I wish I had done so sooner in retrospect, was the contradictory messages that I was sending to my DD.

I expect DD to treat other people with respect and consideration; it is a basic value of mine - be that strangers in the street, friends, teachers, family members - no matter who they are and what her opinion of them is, they all deserve to be treated, within context, in the same way as she would like to be treated. And I hold her to that.

And yet, I was modelling something very different. By not caring about the impact that my co-parenting was having on DDs stepmum, and by disregarding her existence in DDs (and indirectly, my) life, I was failing to live up to the standards I place on DD.

DD wasn't fooled by my apparent disinterest, either. She was old enough to understand that when a relationship ends, there are hurt feelings and broken hearts. So my attempts to ignore the existence of her stepmum only added to her confusion - she knew that it did matter to me, so why was I pretending it didn't? I'm surprised she didn't quote the MN adage to me did you mean to be so rude?. DDs stepmum is an important person in DDs life; ignoring and failing to consider her undermined my DDs trust in her own judgement, embarrassed her, and left her hurt by my hypocrisy.

I know that right now, you're not in place where you can hear this. Neither was I. But when I began to emerge from the fog, and question the justification for my own behaviour, I remembered what others has told me when I was where you are now. One day, I hope, you may remember this thread, and be in a place where you can consider it more objectively.

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

It's better - she has only agreed to one night a week she wants max maintance. This is what she has told him. So I'm not greatful to Her. She is a nasty piece of work. Spiteful and an emotional blackmailer. I have seen the texts she has sent so it's not just him telling me one thing.

Anyway we have had the conversation about run plans past each other and he didn't realise that he wasn't.

Caorrun - when you are in a better place I really hope you change your views. I had nothing to do with the break up of their marriage but I am seen by her as this uber bitch. I am not I am involved in her children's life and she needs to get over it. I could have taken no interest in the children but I do.

[Caorunn]

Peruvian - thank you for your words and thoughts I know they come from a good place.

Sorrybut - if you were not the OW then there is no comparison between our situations. I presented an idea as to why your DP doesn't refer to you when asked to take his children on extra nights - if his ex thinks you are an 'uber bitch' then perhaps she may react as I would if my former husband suggested he contact he refer to his new partner.

Suggesting she 'needs to get over' you being involved in her children's life may however go someone to explaining why she thinks you are an 'uber bitch'. Having your ex move on with a new partner is one thing; having that new partner involved in your children's life (the only person who will ever have such an intimate relationship with your children that you do not know, a relationship which you have no control over, no ability to monitor, observe etc. etc.) is a very different proposition.

Finally regardless of you partner's ex's wants your partner can of course pursue additional contact via. mediation or indeed the courts. If as you suggest she wants maximum maintenance your partner can choose to pay at whatever level he wants; there is no need for a correlation between maintenance and the time spent with each parent.

[Sethspeaks]

You can only be responsible for your own reactions, not someone else's. She may or may not get over things and if she does it will be based on who she is, what other experiences she has had, what support she has and the choices she makes. We are all different.

You sound really angry at her. Why is that? You are in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, you enjoy having your step child, you only have them for one night a week, so get loads of couple time. Are you really going to let being angry at her spoil all that?

And an Rp doesn't get to say what contact there will be. He can go through the legal channels to get that rectified. Unless of course he doesn't want to, in which case yes, he will pay full maintenance and rightly so.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

Carro, my point is quite clear. Like you said, you would be angry if you weren't consulted and the same goes for the OP

[redredholly]

I think Caorunn is in a difficult bind emotionally. If my DH and I were to break up mutually or without someone else involved then I would not hate his new partner, when he got one (though I'd probably mildly dislike her on principle!). However if he had an affair I would always, always hate the OW. I don't think I'd ever come to terms with it, or accept that they were a 'stepmum'. To me they would always be a harlot! And I would be bitter that I was left with 3 kids. However, as I say, if the relationship broke down on different terms I probably would be able to be much more adult.

[itsbetterthanabox]

So you and their dad would happily have them 6 nights a week if she'd have them on Sundays, NYE and valentines yes op?
Maintenance is very low usually unless your partner is very highly paid. Strange incentive..

[Caorunn]

TheJingleMum - I agreed that the OP may well be annoyed but she needs to be annoyed with her partner not his ex or the children.

But my point, and I am sorry that I haven't managed to explain it clearly enough, is that the OP's partner may well not be 'checking' in advance of agreeing as his ex views the OP as irrelevant in the decision making and would like an answer from her former partner based on his position not that of his new partner.

redredholly - thank you. The dynamic and emotions involved when the 'new' partner was the OW are very very hard - I struggle to see a time in the future when I will be able to view her with anything other than disdain.

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Oh ffs stop projecting at no point have a said that I am annoyed at the children I was annoyed at him for not running it past me.

I am angry at his ex for a whole host of other reasons which are nothing to do with this.

He did have them move I think 4 times a week before we lived together but the ex changed her mind when he addressed the issue of child support. She with drew contact instead of wanting a small amount paid

[sanityseeker75]

The thing is is this was in AIBU that the DH had agreed to have inlaws stay or a friend and not checked then everyone would be quick to say that you were not BU. As soon as SC are involved you are expected to go meekly along with what ever.

I still maintain that common courtesy is that you are and should be expected to be consulted regardless off whether the ex expects you to be or not. He does not have to tell the ex he is checking with you he could just say he will check his diary and let you know. This is from a SM who frequently has her DSC even if DH is out or away or whatever because they are part of my family and my DS's family and we still want to see them even if DH has to go away with work etc. They must also want to see us because they are offered to come or stay with mom and choose to come.

That said if DH or their DM just assumed I would have them then I would be fed up at whoever had made that assumption.

[Petal02]

Yep - the minute you mention 'step children' then conventional etiquette flies out the window. Under any other circumstances it's considered quite normal to discuss extra guests/visitors with your partner. Apart from anything else, there are practical implications such as changing beds and ensuring you've got enough food in the house etc etc.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

the OP's partner may well not be 'checking' in advance of agreeing as his ex views the OP as irrelevant in the decision making and would like an answer from her former partner based on his position not that of his new partner.

And if the DCs father lives alone, that's perfectly reasonable, but once a parent chooses to share their home and life with another adult, then practical decisions they make regarding the children directly impact on the other adult in the home.

caorunn if your ex shared a home with his parents or an adult sibling rather than his DP, would you be more accepting of the need to check with them whether it was convenient to change the care/contact arrangements before agreeing them, or would you still expect him to make a decision about whether or not he could accommodate the DCs unexpectedly without talking to the other adults he lives with first?