Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

Sorrybutilikekatie I think the main thing here is to know that you absolutely allowed to feel fed up with your DH for just agreeing without talking to you first.

You may be new to SM thing but the fact that you have come onto a site like this to find out if your feelings are natural proves that you are a considerate wife and SM and just want the same treatment back. You will hear both sides of the argument and for what it is worth it is often useful hearing the other side of the argument just to gain perspective on what the mom may feel or even your DH.

But you have talked to him and he has agreed to try and that is all you can really hope for - you may have to keep nudging him in future but it is an excellent start.

OP - I am sorry if you have taken my later posts as suggesting you had an issue with your stepchildren, although I did say explicitly that your issue was with your partner. The conversation had moved on from your original question and was talking about suggestion made, not by me, that if an ex does not accept that new partner then sometimes the stepmother becomes annoyed with /withdraws from with the children. I am fairly sure that wasn't directed at you by anyone. And apologies again if you post didn't refer to me - I did take it that it was, so felt then need to respond.

Lots of interesting points and yes sad stories, about the extreme ends of the spectrum and less than ideal behaviour from all of the adults involved. I am not going to comment on any of the specific because they were personal anecdotes and it is not my place.

My children may well not decide to talk with their feet in which case I can only assume they are okay with their situation and happy with the adults in; I do hope however that they view their dad in the same way as I describe him and or refer to him with them - that is a good dad, who doesn't love me any more but who still adores them. We are respectful in our interactions and unless they can read either of our minds I am fairly sure that is all they see. They are also aware that the OW and I will never be friends, that their dad knew her before he left and I feel both he & she treated me badly. They also know that as long as she is kind and treats them well (which I think she does) then of course that is fine. They are intelligent, emotionally well-balanced children. Who spend 50 per cent of their time with their father and will continue to do so as far as I can.

But the key exception to that is my eldest - she is 16, she was a real daddy's girl, had a far better relationship with her dad then she ever did with me. But at the point of his affair was 14 - she knows he had an affair, she asked me explicitly and I did not lie. She knows his current partner was the OW. She of course still loves her dad, thinks the OW is nice. She spent 18 months spending her time 50/50 with the two youngest. She hated it. She became increasingly miserable. She stopped contact for a month. It resumed after a lot of persuasion, effort and talking from me. It lasted 6 weeks. She now spends the majority of her time with me, with regular agreed contact with her dad.

I did everything in my power to support her and her father in maintaining the previous level of contact. But it came to the point where I wasn't going to 'force' her to stay somewhere she didn't want. Why didn't she want? Lots of reasons - some practical/some emotional. She hated living in two houses; she wanted to stay close to her friends, she wanted to relax in what she views as her home and her room. She didn't want to be - her words - paraded around the OWs family & friends. She resented the forced - and again her words - playing at happy families. She wanted to show support for me. She felt betrayed and angry with her dad. Not because of my actions or words; but she is a young adult, she saw me crying, she saw me lose a great deal of weight, she saw me take time of work (unheard off), she saw me sad. And she was pissed of with her dad. Her dad who was probably the most important person in her life let her down.

Is that the story that her dad and the OW will be telling? Do they accept that their actions had consequences for his relationship with his eldest daughter? Do they respect her views as a young adult? Not from what I can see. In their selfish actions they thought of none but themselves - well he had paid a high price in terms of his daughter. Do I hope my daughter and her dad's relationship recovers. I sincerely do. Am I responsible for it's breakdown - am I hell.

In their selfish actions they thought of none but themselves - well he had paid a high price in terms of his daughter.

It is she who has paid the price, not him.

Have you and her dad considered youth counselling, or even some family therapy, for her? My DD had external support when she was struggling; she was younger than yours when we split, and I avoided displaying my emotions about the situation in front of her, and explained away my time off work, weight loss etc.

It was his response to his guilt that she struggled to deal with, and I couldn't always protect her from that. But talking to an independent counsellor, and being supported to express her pov to both me and her Dad, helped her a great deal and she still has a positive relationship with both families.

She is older now, and we have talked about her experience back then. At the time, her perspective was that we had, as we had explained to her, grown apart. I doubt she will ever know the "truth" - because, like in all relationship breakdowns, it it's multifaceted and complicated.
The reasons cited for divorce are superficial - unless I am wiling to fully explain the background and context in which they occurred, there is no benefit in my DD knowing.

Peruvian -I do not lie, and, we have discussed this before (your posting style is very distinctive), there is plenty of evidence to support that approach. i will not build a framework of lies around my relationship to my daughter and lead her to feel further betrayal from those she should be able to trust. Your daughter was much younger if I recall correctly - well I am assuming so given the lengthy history you have in your current relationship and the issues you face there.

I see nothing wrong with showing emotions, good and bad, to children. It shows them that you can be hurt, sad, bewildered and that is okay. That you can and will recover. That it is okay to cry. That, even for adults, life can be shit. But it also shows them how time helps, how you can and will improve over time and and then life can be good again. If they don't see their parents modelling these behaviours where are they supposed to learn them and view them as a normal, healthy part of life?

My daughter refuses to participate in counselling which has been offered although I am not convinced she needs it it. As a general premise people (and I include young adults in that) are allowed to be angry, feel betrayed, change their perspective on people and life, redefine a relationship based on their growing experience, self of worth and social mores. You live and learn to deal with all these emotions and to suggest they are in someway so extraordinary or perhaps even wrong such that assistance is need to deal with them would do my daughter a disservice. She has no problem in expressing her view to either parent. Although imo I believe she is heard but not listened to by her father.

As to your reference that the reason for a divorce is superficial I so very much disagree. That tends towards 'victim' blaming - imo there is no multifaceted veneer which could ever excuse protracted emotional and physical infidelity. None. Someone who is prepared to do so is telling you something very loudly about who they are. They should not be surprised if that message is heard by many.

Finally please don't revert to your old trick of taking a snippet of a much longer nuanced post and building an argument around that - the paragraph from which you quote relates to the behaviours of my former husband and his partner hence the focus of particular sentence. There is nothing more to be read in to it.

caorunn - I'm afraid we may be at cross purposes or I'm being mistaken for someone else?

I don't think we've "discussed" this before and as far as I know, I don't have any "issues" in my current relationship (unless you know something I don't?) - I've always been open that I'm a former, rather then current, stepmum, but I post on this part on MN from the perspective of a mum whose DD has stepparents.

I know some people feel that means I have no reason to post here, but it helps me a great deal to see things from a different perspective.

I'm sorry if I've misled you in some way.

It sounds like your eldest had a correct moral response Caorunn but that is not always the way. My eldest DSD did exactly what your DD did at 14 (now older teen) and stopped seeing her dad (my DH) and refused to take his calls, etc. Her mum has never been upset about their split / lost weight / stopped work etc. as it was she who was the serial adulterer, and now she is happier than ever with a steady stream of boyfriends / her ideal worklife etc. However she is also quite bitchy and seems not to be able to be cordial with my DH having 'rejected' him, and this affects her children. I think she is angry that he moved on and doesn't beg her to come back. My DSD made an incorrect 'walk with her feet', and now is stuck 100% with mum. Her mum seemed to need the ratification and supported rather than challenged DSD's decision ('that's why I couldn't stand to be around your dad either etc', 'he is so boring/conservative'). She isn't growing up well now, and perhaps if 'walk with your feet' hadn't seemed so much of an option / been supported she would now not be on drugs / failing school.

I know this isn't the same as your situation.

My eldest (now 19) voted with her feet and it's done her the world of good. She's less angry, more settled, doing well on life. It's contact with her Dad and partner that can upset the apple cart. And he and his partner LOVE to blame me for that, and for him seeing less of my youngest. It simply isn't the case. His partner would rather none of us were around, and he colludes with that by blaming me for his lack of contact. It's that thing of one finger being pointed at me and 3 back at themselves.

But that's just my situation. There are so many different dynamics in all our situations, the choices people make, the reactions we have because of who we are, the reactions others in our dynamics have. It's really not quite so straightforward as mum just needs to force them to go, and she's not acting in their best interests of if she doesnt support it.

Again I agree with Caorunn about not hiding feelings. That doesn't mean badmouthing their Dad or trying to turn them against him. It means giving them the opportunity to express what emotions they are feeling, rather than having those feelings and having to hide them because I am pretending it's all hunky dory with their Dad.