Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

4 7 10 so still Young

[Cupcakes123]

It is bloody hard being a step parent, you have to become tolerant and selfless pretty quickly especially if you don't have kids yourself, Well IMO anyway

[Foolishlady]

It's really difficult being a step parent, I wouldn't do it again. If you're only 6 months in, for your own future happiness you might be better moving on? Especially if he only has one day off a week so hasn't got a lot of time to share out.

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Its been 6 months of us living together but we have been in a realtionshipship for a while. I really don't have an issue with the children I love them being around.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Quite often my dp will have the kids on nights that aren't 'his'. It pisses me off when i hear him tell his ex before he's consulted/asked me if this is ok. I usually say something like- 'oh, I take it we have no plans!!!??' He usually apologises for not checking first.

Your dp sees the kids one day a week. An extra day here and there isn't a biggy but it's nice to be informed.

I think you need to talk to dp. Tell him that you don't have an issue with the extra days but in future could he check that there's no plans been made first.

[AuntieStella]

The problem here is your DP making decisions without talking to you about them. Because there have been a couple of big ones involving the DC, you are focussing on them; I think the focus should be on the person who is making the decisions.

If he communicated better, and you felt more included and valued as a result, then decisions to have DC a few extra times (and special celebrations between you two on random, not set piece days) won't seem such a biggie.

OP seems a little reticent about talking to him about this though. Have there been other communication problems?

[redredholly]

OP you sound young and like you have no DCs of your own. I really would move on. Ten more years of issues like this, and then if you throw into the mix your own children. I am a step-parent, and a very hands-off one, but I wouldn't do it again.

[sanityseeker75]

I don't get why people think that it is unreasonable for you to be consulted beforehand - it is just courtesy. You have not said that you would have said no - you just said you want to be included in discussion before he agreed to it. I think as you live together and this obviously does impact on you also - regardless of dates you want to be included in decisions that he and his ex makes that directly impacts on you.

[Petal02]

That's exactly the point, SanitySeeker. It's courteous to speak to your partner if you're going to invite someone over to your house, and/or change any arrangements. I'm not sure why step children seem to be excluded from basic courtesy.

[Maroonie]

For me it was about courtesy, I would have never said no but acknowledging that I should have an input made a huge difference to how I felt.
Compare it to having anyone else to stay, no way could my partner not let my mum visit, but I'd still check if it suited or if he had anything planned for the same time.
I spoke to my partner and he changed his approach- slowly- I also had to realise that he had been a single parent for so long that he wasn't used to 'checking' with someone else so automatically just made decisions himself.
SS is with is us full time now and I feel the same about plans that are made without my input.
Whether it's extra activities and clubs, going to his mates houses or anything else-it's about feeling a respected and equal partner.

[thebluehen]

It's irrelevant how much contact OP's DP has with his kids, he should still first consult his partner and talk to her about any changes of plans with regards to home life.

There should also be some flexibility to account for everyone's needs, and that sometimes, will include the OP.

[wheresthelight]

I do love it when people like ling post on her nut have absolutely no experience of being a step parent.


likekatie what you are feeling is perfectly natural and something that most step parents will feel and experience at some point and quite often in the early days.

there is nothing wrong with how you feel or the expectation that your dp will check for prior arrangements before agreeing to additional contact.

you are both new to this and he is probably just not used to thinking about you in the equation. I would suggest an open and honest conversation and make it clear that you would never stop him seeing his kids but that it would be nice to be consulted in case you have or were planning to arrange something etc

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok let's be very clear here Im not prepared to break up with him over this and this isn't an issue on the children being here this is their second home.

I'm not young we are both in our early 30s and you are right I have no children of my own.

This is soley down to him just running it past me before its a done deal and I'm the last to know what's happening in my own home I'm glad some people have posted with great advice.

[Caorunn]

I am not a step-parent but my former husband does have a new partner and actually it pisses me off no end if he feels the need to check with her as to whether he can accommodate a change in schedule. As far as I am concerned the only two people with a vote on what happens with the children are me and my former husband. It is up to him to manage his diary and his relationship but if his response to a request were to be 'I'll need to check with X' then I would tell him not to bother and I would make alternative arrangements.

Equally I would have no issue with him saying 'No, I have plans.' fine all well and good. No threats be 'difficult' but I have no responsibility to his new partner and have no interest in her view.

Just an alternative viewpoint you may want to consider. We tend to make any requests in writing with an agreed 48 hour turnaround - during that time I am sure he does discuss with his new partner. But I would react very badly (and have in the past) to him saying, 'oh I need to check'.

[Theoldhag]

It is only good manners to communicate with ones partner on such matters.

I would find it questionable if a partner didn't.

[Caorunn]

wheresthelight - Nothing to do with the children and surely any sane stepparent would recognise that?

I would agree it is polite to check but I have no responsibility for my former husbands relationship and no interest in his partner's view. So shrug. His call.

My children have two parents - I am not asking my former husbands partner to look after the children but their father. Surely he as a grown-up is capable of making an informed decision as to whether he can accommodate that or not. If there are plans which are so important then presumably he will be aware of them and can factor them into his decision making?

And as I said we have a method which works - requests made in writing, 48 hours to respond, during which time he can do all the checking he needs.

OP - I was only presenting an alternative viewpoint not suggesting my way was right. You can of course ignore it.

[Caorunn]

What contradiction wheresthelight?

Also, venom is a harsh description for a viewpoint that differs to yours. My former husband's partner is irrelevant to my life - my children have two parents. The opinions of those parents are the only ones which matter to me.

Needaholiday - surely he knows what plans they have as a general rule? Surprise scenario aside which isn't that likely to be fair. And it would be very unfortunate if it came up. Within the context of their relationship they need to set their ground-rules and both agree what works for them; he also needs to co-parent with me within the terms he and I have agreed. I am under no obligation to my former husband's partner to consider her at all - that responsibility is his and his alone.

They do have every right to discuss it however and whenever they want. I equally have a right to respond however I want. In my case that has in the past been to make it clear that if he is unable to agree without consultation with another who is for me irrelevant to the decision making process then I will make alternative arrangements.

There would be no schedule change which left my children in the sole care of my former husband's partner. If he is unable to accommodate a change request then I will arrange an alternative. And indeed if he is unable to care for them during his 'time' they also come to me.

[PrimalLass]

Valentines day is a pile of shite. You need to grow up, they are his children.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

There would be no schedule change which left my children in the sole care of my former husband's partner. If he is unable to accommodate a change request then I will arrange an alternative. And indeed if he is unable to care for them during his 'time' they also come to me.

Are you relatively recently separated, caorunn? I ask because I remember feeling just as you do - adamant that we (my ex and I) were DDs parents and his DW had no part in that. I sought a mediated "right of first refusal" over two years after we separated, and expressed my strong conviction that if a parent was available, that was whom should look after DD. It is only in the last year or so, 6 years after the end of the marriage, that I have changed my view.

I have (fortunately) mellowed with time, and in a recent post, sought advice from Stepparents as to whether I would upset my DDs stepmum if I offered to have DD on a weekend that her dad is away. Of course, I could adopt your approach, which would be to disregard DDs stepmums feelings and demand that DD spend the weekend with me, but that doesn't take into account DDs feelings and opinions.
She and her stepmum have developed a relationship which is independent of myself or her dad. If she wants a Disney Princess movie marathon with chocolate icecream and marshmallows with her stepmum, then what possible justification have I to prevent that? If I believe DD will be at risk from her stepmum, then I should have addressed that years ago. It would be my own selfish desire to monopolise DDs time that would lead me to intervene and prevent quality time between her and her stepmum.
I may not want to spend time with DDs stepmum, but DD likes and respects her, and DD is her own person, not an extension of me.

Given the behaviour/attitude and untidiness that my DDs stepmum tolerates in her home from DD, I am grateful, not resentful, that she is willing to spend time building a positive relationship with DD.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

....and of course, I've since discovered that DD was occasionally left in her stepmums sole care, despite the agreement between me and my ex. No one died, and in retrospect, he did the right thing and spared my DD unecessary conflict and disruption.
I say that as you sons utterly convinced that neither your ex or your DCs would dare defy you on this. I thought the same.